In love with 2 people

[Danica]

OK this is a bit long but i feel i have to tell my whole story.

I met my boyfriend of 8 years when I was 18 we had a great relationship although sex has always been a bit of a problem in fact until recently I thought I just didn't like sex at all. Other than that our relationship was great. We get along so well and are so comfortable together, he understands me like no one else does he truly loves me more than anything else in the world and I do love him too. We spent 8 years together. We always had financial problems but we always got through it together even when it got bad and trust me it got real bad (at one point we were living in our car). So we decided to take a chance and move accross the country to a more prosperous area with the hope of higher paying jobs and a better life. All was going well he got a great job and although I was just waitressing the tips were great we were making more money than ever before things seemed to be working out.

 

One of my first days at my new job a customer came in and I knew the moment I saw him that there would be something between us I don't know how but I just knew. I know this is awefull but to be honest I expected it to end up as a quick fling purely sexual. Well somehow I fell in love with him. While my BF was away for a week at a work training course I spent every night with him for the first couple days I made excuses and lied to my BF but then eventually I just told him. It was an awefull thing to do because he was far away and couldn't do anything. He obviously took it very badly and even said he didn't want to live anymore. When he got back I packed my stuff and left into the arms of the other man. Many tears were shed by both, I still loved him and hated hurting him but somehow my selfishness allowed me to do it.

 

After moving in with the other man my BF (now ex) started exchanging text messages I missed him and I told him so, I contemplated going back and I told him so, Eventually I actually did go back but only for 2 days I missed the other man and I love him too, then I left (again) and went back to the other man but the texting did not stop. So here's where it gets really hard I am now pregnant I'm 95% sure it belongs to other man he really wants to have the baby. I got scared I guess I'm not really sure why but I left him a week ago and came back to the BF he loves me so much that he is willing to take me back even now. HE's also willing to take care of the baby.

 

So here I am pregnant, confused, and in love with 2 men both of whom love me tons. Any help would be much appreciated.

[DN]

Unfortunately, only you can decide which man will be the one for you. The danger is that either or both may decide that you are not the woman for them after all.

 

But it is time for you to make a decision and stick with it. Too many people have been hurt already and now you have a child to consider.

 

You should get a DNA test done once the baby is born to determine the real father - the child has a right to know it's father and the father a right to parent his child.

[musicguy]

how long did you know the other man?

[Danica]

3 months before anything really happened 8 months now.

[musicguy]

and you sacrificed your bf you've known or have dated 8 years for a guy you've known for 3 months?

[Danica]

yeah I guess i did. Right now I have a chance to fix it (if it can be fixed) but I miss the other guy and well I'm almost sure it's his baby and he wants desperately to have it and me for that matter. I think part of the reason that I'm not trying hard to fix it with BF is that I feel I don't deserve him anymore. Nothing seems to make me happy, when I'm with one I want to be with the other. Honestly I wish there were 2 of me so I could make them both happy. I know that in a way I have been trying to have my cake and eat it too by dragging the BF along and coming back then leaving again I'm just so confused. The thought of giving up either of them hurts so much but I realize that that is exacly what I have to do and then stick to it.

[musicguy]

in a situation like this we all wish that there were 2 of us to make everyone happy, What does the other guy have that your boyfriend doesn't have and vice versa?

[Danica]

Well sex with the other guy is great (which I didn't realize it even could be)

Other guy really wants the baby and is great with kids

There's something sort of special in that it was almost love at first sight

Other guys family is great and I'm very comfortable with them (I'm uncomfortable with BF familly especially after what I did to him)

Other guy has been fairly understanding of my confusion and my bouncing back and forth but now that there is a baby he wants me to figure it out so we can get on with our life.

 

BF and I spent 8 good years together memories and all that stuff

BF knows me like no one else knows what to do to make me smile laugh etc..

The comfort I have with BF because of the time we spent together (he's my safe place)

BF has never given up on me or us no matter how much I hurt him in fact he just keeps trying harder.

[BetterKarma]

Danica, are you sure you're not confusing guilt with love?

 

Seems like you can't let go of your previous BF because of all the history you guys had together and the fact that you hurt him so much.

 

Don't be with someone because you feel guilty or is sympathetic to their pain. You're doing one of these guys a huge disservice here. Figure out your feelings and find the one you love. Let the other guy go, so that they can go find someone else to share their love.

[BetterKarma]

Okay, based off of your words, it seems like you have already made your choice but you're afraid of owning up to it.

 

You're afraid of losing your BF because he's safe and is your "safety net" in case something goes wrong with the other guy. If you read what you wrote you will realize that all the qualities you wrote about your BF are qualites of friendship not a lover. If this is the case, then please let your BF go sooner than later so that he may have a chance in finding happiness with another.

[musicguy]

My ex was like this and she used to be with other guy after we broke up cuz I was her "safety net" and it hurt me a lot. Be with the other guy if you think you have a better future with him than with your bf

[lessy20]

I think either way you will have regret with whomever you choose. You will probably get in a fight one day, or have a rough patch and wonder why you didn't choose the other guy etc. but I think that's just the price you'll have to pay. It seems you really like the other guy due to sex, which is understandable, but what is it that this guy does that makes it so great? Is it anything that the BF could improve on if he only knew that he isn't pleasing you?

 

8 years is a long time, and it will take the other guy a long time to learn all those little things you share with your ex, it's definitely a comfort thing/best friend but if you feel that strongly about the new guy you shouldn't be guilted into staying with the ex, or you will regret it in the future. But I would make 100% sure before choosing the new guy that this isn't going to fade over time, because in the big scheme of things 8 months isn't really THAT long, you may feel differently in a couple of months, and you wouldn't want to ruin the relationship you have with your ex if that is the case.

 

It must completely suck to make this decision, I hope it works out for you.

[Danica]

Well yes it does totally suck and it just keeps getting harder. But I did make a decision that I need to get away from both to be able to tell what my heart truly wants. I'm going to go back home and stay with my mom so I can make this decision on my own. Someone earlier said that guilt could be the reason I keep coming back to BF and that does make sense because I obviously do feel guilty. I just need to decide which life I want and stick with it and now I think I figured out the best way to do that.

 

Thanks for all the advice you guys are awesome and really helped.

[heloladies21]

I'm not giving you any advice or anything because a chain of events have been set in motions which can't be altered.

 

When all is said and done, you will not end up with either man.

[jimthzz]

If you somehow stay with the original boyfriend this child will always be a wedge between you and he will resent the child.

 

Your child will always know the original boyfriend resents it.

 

You do not love that boyfirned anymore.

 

All you do here is marvel about the new guy's sexual prowess and lament about your guilt for having behaved badly towards the original boyfriend.

 

Move on, clean break from that guy.

 

The one who got you pregnant may or may not be the guy for you, but whatever you do, start having a plan for your life, you are having a baby.

[musicguy]

You REALLY got yourself in a pickle, If I was your boyfriend I wouldn't have taken you back

[macgyver4ever]

Musicguy:

 

I was the "safety net" guy as well. It sucked, and I am still trying to heal. I'm from Iowa as well.

 

Danica:

Think about what you are getting into with this guy, and what you are giving up to be with him. My ex gave me up because of guilt. She never forgave herself for cheating on me earlier in our relationship, and once she met the guy she is now with, she felt SO guilty for what she was doing that she was always sad around me.

 

Make sure it is not your feelings of guilt for what you did that are driving you from your BF. These can be fixed, and things can be smoothed over in the long run, but if you leave him now, things will probably beyond repair.

 

My ex was depressed because of guilt when she met this guy. He made her feel good by complimenting her, and laughing at her jokes. He listened to her complain about me and did the opposite. Eventually she got strong enough feelings for him that she decided to make me break up with her. She strung me along for 2 months after that, telling me how much she loved me but at the same time spending every weekend with this guy. I went to No contact with her and she came running back only to change her mind a day later. This was all hell on me. You cannot do this to someone. I was with my ex 4 years before this, and I was going to propose, but she cheated on me a few weeks before the trip we had planned together.

 

If you guilt is making you run, or if it is the pure thrill of the New Guy, you may want to stay with the BF. My ex turned into a different person since she met this guy. She now parties all the time, drinks too much, and wastes her money. She's not a good person anymore, and treats me and her parents like dirt.

 

I'm glad you are actually spending time alone to make a decision. My ex could not be by herself because she felt bad about what she was doing so instead of being alone, she would go out with the new guy. She ruined our future together because she didn't love and respect herself enough to move on from her mistakes. DON'T RUN. If his family really loves you, which in 8 years I am sure they do, then don't let that effect your decision.

 

Only my advice coming from the other side.