My parents want me to get an arranged marriage

[lovehurtz]

Hi you guys, I'm new to this site and I really need some input on an important situation.

 

I am an Iraqi Muslim girl [born-and-raised in American though]and thus, culturally-speaking, my parents want me to get an arranged marriage. Religiously, I am able to marry who I want (preferably, who I'm attracted to) but they have to be my religion, for my convenience.

 

I don't mean to offend any liberals, but when it comes to religion, its a really important part of my life. I love my religion and I want to marry someone who shares that passion for it too. However, there is this AMERICAN guy that I really like...he has liked me for 3 years now, and is even willing to convert for me. Which...to an extent, shows how much he cares. I really love him...the problem is:

 

My religion encourages to not date and get into serious relationships till one is at an age for marriage and haha, I'm not anywhere near that age...I agree with this. Culturally, dating has been prohibited and in strong-Islamic countries, you get lashes for breaking that rule because emotions are a really strong thing and should not be played with unless there is an intent of marriage or seriousness involved. That's one reasons I can't date him. and he says its okay for us to not date, but he only wants to talk. But right now, I know its not the right thing because whats the point of getting more attatched, if you're gonna have to let go in the end?

 

The second reason is that my parents are abusive parents. I was an "oops" child and my mother has told me one too many times that she hates me. I was caught dating someone when I was a freshman in high-school [long time ago] and I remember, I was beaten till I bled. Even though I love this guy, I don't want to put my life at risk and i know that if my parents found out I was dating this guy, they would stop funding me for college [and I LIVE with my parents because they made me] so they have a good chance of finding out.

 

I have worked extremely hard my whole life and excell at college. I want to be a surgeon and I'm currently attending Yale. I don't want to throw away my whole future and I know that if my parents found me dating a guy, who is not my culture, and I'm not allowed to date yet, I would be sent off to Iraq to get married. I don't want to risk this at all.

 

I would, if I was a normal girl with normal consequences. But the consequences are too high... I am not and I don't plan on submitting to arranged marriage, because its okay not to, religiously. But RIGHT NOW, since I"m only a freshmen in college, I need to submit to my parent's wishes so I can later, establish my ownself and try and follow my own heart. and I'm SCARED to get beaten up again. I get abused very often but if they found out I was dating, I would literally be putting my LIFE at stake [this is not exaggeration to those who know of my culture].

 

I've told this guy everything and explained to him from A-Z, and he completely understands, yet its hard..its so HARD to move on, when you're not ready to move on. I mean, i literally had to tell him: "I want to move on, cuz you're perfect for me". Do you think I did the right thing? I just need some reassurance badly and I want some people, who understand, to support me, because all of my college friends, though I love them, fail to understand completely and I just want some reassurance and a strong network of ppl I can fall back upon because I'm not sure if i'm doing the right thing. I want to follow my heart, and I will..eventually, but I'm not going to be able to support myself, if i run away right now. I need to be established before I do that. and I don't have the money to finish college at Yale. and...I dont want to leave my brother and sister because despite my parents' problems, I love them both and I don't ever want them to think I'm weak and ran away and I want to set a good example for them and support them through everything i've had to go through because they are next in line.

 

Thanks.

Rebecca

[renaissancewoman101]

I am not sure if you did the right thing, but I know that culture and your parents are important to you. Also, they are helping pay for your education and you risk their disapproval and being sent away if you disobey them. It might be better for you to just wait it out and when you finally do become a doctor or whatever, then stand up for what you want.

 

Sometimes laying low is the best way, esp with parents who are strict. My parents are strict about some things and I just laid low with them until I went off to college.

 

Good luck.

[lovehurtz]

Exactly Ren...

Thats how I feel. I feel like there is too much to risk right now and I can't risk that. I've worked so hard, I've put up with 19 years of constant putting-down and abuse and scars...I think I can wait a few more years and then get established and SHOW my mom that it is possible to lead a happy life with obedient children, if LOVE instead of FEAR is used.

 

I never want her to think she's won and broken my soul because that is the worst feeling in the world. But, then again, giving something up for someone you love...that really really really hurts too.

[lovehurtz]

The thread-maker here was a genius.

 

I AM SOOO DARN CONFUSED! I'M JUST A TEENAGE GIRL AND I DON'T WANT TO HAVE TO PUT UP WITH THIS BUT MY FUTURE IS IMPORTANT TO ME AND I'VE PUT UP WITH 19 YEARS OF THIS ABUSE AND SCARS AND YELLING AND PUTTING DOWN. JUST A FEW MORE YEARS to GO but NOTHING and NO ONE will ever make up for all the CHANCES i've had to give up to be FREAKING SAFE! and I'm SO sick of my parents telling me I'm not smart, and that I'm ugly and that I'm completely worthless and telling me all that crap...but I WANT to live so I CAN get out of this place and STAND UP for what I believe in.

 

Whew.

[renaissancewoman101]

I can understand how you feel. I am Chinese and my parents are very traditional. My mom was always the one who wanted me and my brother to either become doctors or engineers. I never was good in math or science and my mom constantly criticized me that I was never good in that. She pushed me very hard but I just couldnt do that stuff. Plus, I am very short and my mom hates that about me. She says it is an embarrassment to her and she sometimes wonders how I will ever find a guy and if she would have to arrange a marriage for me. Growing up with my parents was not easy, esp since I was born in the US and grew up in American culture which was more free and less restrictive about things than Asian culture.

[lovehurtz]

Of course. I completely understand where you're coming from. I mean, they always tell you that you're POINTLESS and WORTHLESS and I get that all the time for my parents. Telling me i'm ugly and not smart and just pin-pointing that i'm not good at ANYTHING. Then, I hear different from people around me. they tell me, "Rebecca, you're smart, you're beautiful...etc...etc" but its hard to believe them sometimes...when all your life, you've gotten told you're a failure...you know?

[renaissancewoman101]

Yeah I know. Most of my life, my mom has put me down for the way I look, what I do, how tiny I am, that now when people tell me that I look great and I am such a nice person and that I am attractive, I look at them with this look of disbelief, and wonder what THEY are after from me, since I dont believe a word they say.

 

I have a hard time believing that I am really good and nice and beautiful since mom doesnt think I am.

 

I understand how you feel.

[lovehurtz]

And then it sucks, that you have to give up someone that you LOVE and who LOVES you for people who have always told you that you're a failure. It just sucks but I'm scared. I'm scared of the abuse more than anything in the world and I hate being scared like that.

[Stu147]

Lovehurtz, is it ok to email you without causing you a problem? I see you don't have the 'Receive Private Messages' option available but you have agreed to receive email from users here. I would really like to share some of my own experience with you, but the public forum is not the best place.

 

I won't send anything unless you say it's ok. What I can say here and now is that I feel for you, totally understand your situation and I wish things could be better for you right now.

 

Take care...

[Locke2121]

Madam, your an adult in the eyes of the American government. You can tell your parents to stick it, find your own place, your own man and live the life that you want. From my studies, I know that Islam is based in peace. I also know that young people, especially girls often get a bum rap from their parents. Its time you made a decision, live for your parents, or for yourself and your man.

[trash mail]

lay low. Focus on your future.

The problem in which you are going through is not new, it influences many teenage kids that are being brought up within an middle eastern culture in a western country. It JUST get really confusing!!!!! whether to adopt the western culture or hold on to your cultural/religious roots.

This is when you weigh things and maturity comes in.

You asked whether you are doing the right thing when it comes to disconnecting from the guy, I would say that you are doing the right thing. Looking at the bigger picture having your education and eventually gaining your independence where you are able to choose without MAJOR reprocussions is the more matured way of handling the situation. Sometimes we have to hold back on what we want now for what we will have in the future.

Ssituations make us at times give up on boyfriends, you are young and there are many more fish in the sea/ocean. THere isn't "THE ONE" there is "THE ONE AT THE MOMENT" which means there can be many "ONES" over our life times. When time is right and situation is right, the "RIGHT ONE" with the same situation will come along.

[trash mail]

Madam, your an adult in the eyes of the American government. You can tell your parents to stick it, find your own place, your own man and live the life that you want. From my studies, I know that Islam is based in peace. I also know that young people, especially girls often get a bum rap from their parents. Its time you made a decision, live for your parents, or for yourself and your man.

 

 

Mate, do you know about the muslim culture and i MEAN really KNOW about the culture?? Or do you really not give a damn about the consequeces of your advice??

If your answer to the muslim culture is NO and you dont really give a damn to the consequences of your advice then better hold your tongue.

In this situation it hasnt a damn thing to do with the AMERICAN GOVERNMENT. If you use that line in a asian/middle eastern family argument the answer you will get is "you can take the AMERICAN government policies and shove it!". As we all know, american governemnt policies just suck when it comes to family structures and boast ignorance before common sense and understanding.

[lovehurtz]

Superior: definitely, go ahead and send it. and...how can I turn on the private messaging options ?

 

Locke: I definitely understand where you're coming from. I mean, a lot of my friends have told me the same thing, but...this is American society. My cultural society is extremely different. I'm not FREE till I am married off to another guy. I know I'm a citizen and can be "free" but, at the same time, I love my parents, though they say that stuff...I love them, and I love my siblings and I don't want to leave them. Me, running away, would put my family in danger and not only my family, but all my relatives will disown me and though, I despise the lifestyle of the people and the way they raise their kids...I still love the people. you know?

 

Trash_mail: Thank-you so much for supporting this. I feel as if I'm doing the right thing too because i'm truly risking way too much if I even tried to hook up with this guy. If he truly loves me, and if this is ever supposed to "be"...it will happen, right? No matter what.

[Locke2121]

Locke: I definitely understand where you're coming from. I mean, a lot of my friends have told me the same thing, but...this is American society. My cultural society is extremely different. I'm not FREE till I am married off to another guy. I know I'm a citizen and can be "free" but, at the same time, I love my parents, though they say that stuff...I love them, and I love my siblings and I don't want to leave them. Me, running away, would put my family in danger and not only my family, but all my relatives will disown me and though, I despise the lifestyle of the people and the way they raise their kids...I still love the people. you know?

 

I know you love your family....but will you submit to a life bonded to a man you don't love? I don't you don't want to hurt your family, no one does, but there comes a time when the decisions about your life have to be made in YOUR best interest. I hope you can make your mother and father understand that. Tell them about your man, that he is willing to go to any length to be yours.

[Stu147]

Superior: definitely, go ahead and send it. and...how can I turn on the private messaging options ?

 

I you select 'User CP' from the blue menu at the top left of your screen, then select 'Edit Options' from the options list at the left side of your screen, and then on the page that opens there is a tickbox that says 'Enable Private Messaging' or words to that effect. If you put the tick in the box and then save changes.

 

Then I can PM you, it would be much easier.

[rocio]

Hmm.. I have a few things I'd like to say. The biggest concern I have is your parents abuse. Remember that abusive parents can come from any culture, country, religion, income, and education level. While some societies and communities are more supportive of physical punishment, abuse is universally unacceptable. That includes discipline that leaves you bleeding as well as emotional abuse that leaves you feeling worthless. Nobody should have to be abused or live in fear of abuse. There is no degree that's worth that - no marriage that's worth that.. it needs to end.

 

Avoiding abuse might not have to necessitate "running away". Perhaps it means putting romantic relationships on hold, failing to disclose information to your parents, or just trying to stay out of their way as much as possible.

 

But you should also no that you do have options. You don't have to stay under their control. I left my home, my family, my religion (I know this is different from your situation, since you chose to be a practising muslim), was cut off and disowned and my family and friends stopped talking to me. That was when I was 17. I'm now 25 and have a masters degree and a job I love. Now, I didn't go to Yale but I'm just saying that you really can go as far as you want in life, regardless of whether you chose your parents' help or not.

 

The American guy you're interested in - he sounds fantastic and clearly cares about you. I have a greek friend who is converting to islam for his Iraqi girlfriend. But in their case, it's more to appease her parents. The girl isn't really religious. In your case, it will be very hard to make things work. The guy can technically change his religion, but changing his personal beliefs is more difficult. What about when you have children? Would he be willing to raise his kids in an Islamic environment if that's not what he truly believes in his heart? Would you WANT a husband who would teach his kids things he didn't truly believe in? Personally, I don't think religion is a choice. You can't choose what your heart believes. Some people are raised in Islam and they accept and believe it. Other people are raised in Islam and never stop questioning it, right? They never really are convinced. And that's not a conscious choice. It's so much bigger than that. Encourage this American guy to study the religion carefully. To attend classses and read the Quran and visit mosques. Maybe it will reach a personal place within him. Or maybe not...

[rocio]

btw, i doubt that your family would disown you if you continued to stay active within the muslim community, stayed strongly religious and married a muslim man. Would they?

[isisastaria]

I have understood your culture and religion much better since studying your culture/religion is school. Please forgive me if I seem naive or seem like I don't understand. Are you sure you want to put your picture up? the problem with going to the middle east is that they can easily kill you there, and will...if you do not follow evey single rule. The rules and laws are much different here. your parents cannot leagally force you to stay here if you are a legal citizen. I am assuming you are a citizen, correct?

[isisastaria]

My question is: do you fully understand the ramifications of dating a non-muslim man? You may not. Many muslim families are expected to end your life if you do not follow the religion. Are you willing to face the "woman's room" or an honor killing if you lose your virginity?

[rocio]

I have understood your culture and religion much better since studying your culture/religion is school. Please forgive me if I seem naive or seem like I don't understand. Are you sure you want to put your picture up? the problem with going to the middle east is that they can easily kill you there, and will...if you do not follow evey single rule. The rules and laws are much different here. your parents cannot leagally force you to stay here if you are a legal citizen. I am assuming you are a citizen, correct?

 

The middle east and islam aren't as barbaric and oppressive as CNN would have you believe..

[isisastaria]

Yes, I understand that. I don't watch CNN. I actually don't even watch TV.My fiancee was deployed to Iraq a few years back. I go by what he saw first hand. And CNN would have you believe it's far better than it is there. Thanks for the advice, tho! Most women are killed there without anyone knowing. CNN wouldn't have a clue. It's the highest cause of death for women in the middle east...honor killings of girls and women.

[lovehurtz]

Hazey_Amber: yeah, they would disown me definitely. I remember when they found me dating a guy freshmen in year in highschool, they got my passport renewed to send me to Iraq and actually got my ticket. I didn't believe it either, until they stopped feeding me and supporting my necessary needs because of what I did.

And I have definitely talked to the guy about that hahaha. I told him about how I want someone who really loves the religion as MUCH as I do and does not simply do it because he/she loves me....and that he should study it and then see what happens...but then again, I don't know. Religion or no religion I feel like we're better off going our separate ways...at least for the time being.

 

Isisastaria: Hey, hmm...I'm sure what you said goes on in a lot of places in Iraq but the place I come from, i haven't really seen much of that. I went in the past summer to go and visit my relatives...etc. And the part of Iraq that I come from is called Arbil and the life over there is quite modern...girls are freely found walking around in jeans and a t-shirt and guys are hitting on girls over there as well and actually, most of my cousins have boyfriends. ironic? I guess the forbidden fruit is always the most tempting. The picture isn't a problem because I haven't been exposed to the severity that a lot of women are exposed to but I think that due to globalization, the cruelty is decreasing in many areas, but certain areas of strongly-Islamic populated countries are still trying to stick with chauvinistic policies. Since you have been exposed to my culture...what do you suggest me doing? Do you feel like I'm currently doing the right thing?

 

Everybody: Do you guys think I'm going to be able to move on eventually..? I mean, this is the first guy I've truly loved...and I'm having to give him up because of logical reasons...not because I want to...and thats really hard. I see him every other day at college usually. And...do you think I should practice NC? I mean..I've talked to him and explained the whole deal to him and he understands so we decided to take a break, and cut off contacts till mid-april to see if either one of us has been successful in moving on...and especially, because, I want to disattatch myself a bit. I'm scared to get hurt by a)'rents b)him

[rocio]

Hazey_Amber: yeah, they would disown me definitely. I remember when they found me dating a guy freshmen in year in highschool, they got my passport renewed to send me to Iraq and actually got my ticket. I didn't believe it either, until they stopped feeding me and supporting my necessary needs because of what I did.

 

Yeah but that was because you weren't old enough to be dating, and also because (presumably) he wasn't muslim. I think they wouldn't disown you if you married a muslim guy.

 

About NC, just do what you need to. Perhaps being friends with him is the best way to resolve your feelings. You don't want to end up resenting your personal beliefs because you had to give up your first love. End it in the way that leaves you feeling complete.

[isisastaria]

It seems like you already know what you're going to do. I think it is wise. Don't you? Family is always very important. I know your parents are abusive. When you are older, you will be free. Right now, can we just protect you and make sure you are safe?

 

You know what would happen after the ticket to Iraq, right honey?

[DN]

Do you guys think I'm going to be able to move on eventually..?

Yes, you will if you decide to. You will probably have a small, secret place in your heart for him but the chances are that you will find a strong and lasting love with another man.