lovehurtz

Day 4 He called a couple of times this morning. Yeah. I turned off my phone [: Staying with NC [: BTW...love the song "Over it" by katherine McPhee...totally my situation!

Day 3 So he called me last night...about 3 times and I thought I had turned my phone on silent before going to sleep and I was wrong...surprise much? It was from restricted so I picked it up and it was him and he started talking to me...apparently, fate was at its best yesterday so my phone was quite statickish and so I shut it off and txted him and said"sorry. I dont want to talk." I guess during that time, I fell asleep. Woke up this morning to 21 new txt messages and one cruel voice message. Then shut it off again and woke up to apologetic voicemails. While I was listening to these, a restricted number beeped in and i picked it up and 'twas him....of course, saying how much he missed me...blah blah blah...and I didnt say much...let him talk for 5 minutes and declared that I had to go. He promised to stop calling me. Sometimes I miss him. But most of the time..I remember how he made me feel and all the mean mean things he did. ]:

Day 3 I broke NC. ]: not really though. kinda. i guess. more in detail later...

Welcome hfsf! We're rootin for you girl!

You shouldn't. A broken heart is analogous to any other wound. Why would you want to cause it excessive amounts of pain? I'm sure that checking your email and finding nothing from her stimulates the rush of disappointment that you feel ever-so-often. Would you ever go rub salt on a fresh wound? Of course not. Then I suggest that you stop doing it to your heart and block her off of your email so that you are already expecting no emails and thus, feeling less disappointment. This is not about her. Its about you.

Day 2 The true pain of healing hasnt kicked in yet. Im taking this really well, surprisingly. Donno why. Probably because I got out of an abusive relationship and I realize all the things he did to hurt me? And perhaps because its the summer...and I dont have to see the fool for the next 3 months. It may be due to the fact that I'm the dumper so socially speaking, I'm probably adopting the society's bountiful role of the dumper, because subconsciously, it may help suppress the pain. I have been socializing lately. Best-friend and I had a reunion yesterday and then went to a "dance party" which was a blast. Tomorrow, I have my best-friend's going-away party and then a friend and I are gonna go hit up some places afterwards. Then another party on Sunday. Not sure about all of next week...perhaps the gym. Saturday though...I'm going on a road-trip with a guy I dated back in the day and some of his friends....that should be mucho fun. Any ideas as to why I'm not feeling the sudden pain of the breakup?

adlkfjkladjfahhhhhh....this is sooo hard. valiantv: in early historic times, when the roots of all the religions were being built...you know that Islam gave women the most rights out of most religions in that time period? ISLAM itself, is a very beautiful religion that emphasizes good values like Christianity and Judaism and Hinduism...etc seem to do. its the CULTURE that has completely destroyed that image. I mean, is "honour killings?" or "woman's room?" hahaha. I feel like the culture of middle-east has literally destroyed the image of Islam in people's eyes and I dont feel like blaming Americans and other Europeans of having the wrong image of Islam. I blame the corrupt muslims. I mean...jihad? the concept of jihad is going to war when someone is directly interfering with the practice of your religion and AMERICA was CERTAINLY not doing that. Trust me, I am a living, walking, breathing proof of complete contradiction between culture and Islam. They are definitely not the same, I assure you and what you seem to be hearing, is more of the "cultural" side. [:

OH, he would DEFINITELY be older than me. My parents have an 8 year difference between them, that means....since I'm currently 19...they would want a guy that would probably be like in his late-20's or mid-30's...a "well-established" man....who has LOTS and LOTS of money and ZERO love to give.

Isistaria: Yes...I feel as if its the right thing to do too. and me and you both know what would happen if I go back to Iraq. My parents would want me to get married to a chauvinistic Muslim guy who would "keep me on the right track" and would require me to be his "sex slave" and basically just a toy for his desires...and I don't want that at all. Hazey_Amber: yes that was indeed true, but the thing is, religiously, it is definitely okay for me to marry anyone who I find attraction to but he has to be Muslim [for the upraising of our kids]. CULTURALLY, [which i despise truly], my parents want me to get married to an Iraqi guy who is of our race, speaks our language, follows this cursed collection of traditions. They would HATE me if they knew I wanted to marry an American guy. Which is quite ridiculous, because I've spent my whole life here. I mean, if I lived in Iraq, my definition of "attractive" would probably lean towards Iraqi men, but considering that I was born and raised in the U.S, I find American boys very attractive. Another little obstacle that I have to encounter is that since I'm not Indian...I LOOK American and I go by an American name so of course, American guys will try to make moves on me here and there and my parents will freak out if and American guy even CALLS our house. which is wacked up. Thank God for cell phones [: So, they would disown me because I wouldn't be marrying an Iraqi boy. I'm sure you're aware of this, but in middle-eastern societies, culture and religion are both almost EQUALLY strong and in some aspects, they are contradicting. Like the arranged marriage concept. DN thank-you so much for your help. I will try and move on and I think I'm going to really truly try in these coming up months till mid-april [cuz thats when we see how things are going]...and practice NC.

Hazey_Amber: yeah, they would disown me definitely. I remember when they found me dating a guy freshmen in year in highschool, they got my passport renewed to send me to Iraq and actually got my ticket. I didn't believe it either, until they stopped feeding me and supporting my necessary needs because of what I did. And I have definitely talked to the guy about that hahaha. I told him about how I want someone who really loves the religion as MUCH as I do and does not simply do it because he/she loves me....and that he should study it and then see what happens...but then again, I don't know. Religion or no religion I feel like we're better off going our separate ways...at least for the time being. Isisastaria: Hey, hmm...I'm sure what you said goes on in a lot of places in Iraq but the place I come from, i haven't really seen much of that. I went in the past summer to go and visit my relatives...etc. And the part of Iraq that I come from is called Arbil and the life over there is quite modern...girls are freely found walking around in jeans and a t-shirt and guys are hitting on girls over there as well and actually, most of my cousins have boyfriends. ironic? I guess the forbidden fruit is always the most tempting. The picture isn't a problem because I haven't been exposed to the severity that a lot of women are exposed to but I think that due to globalization, the cruelty is decreasing in many areas, but certain areas of strongly-Islamic populated countries are still trying to stick with chauvinistic policies. Since you have been exposed to my culture...what do you suggest me doing? Do you feel like I'm currently doing the right thing? Everybody: Do you guys think I'm going to be able to move on eventually..? I mean, this is the first guy I've truly loved...and I'm having to give him up because of logical reasons...not because I want to...and thats really hard. I see him every other day at college usually. And...do you think I should practice NC? I mean..I've talked to him and explained the whole deal to him and he understands so we decided to take a break, and cut off contacts till mid-april to see if either one of us has been successful in moving on...and especially, because, I want to disattatch myself a bit. I'm scared to get hurt by a)'rents b)him

Superior: definitely, go ahead and send it. and...how can I turn on the private messaging options ? Locke: I definitely understand where you're coming from. I mean, a lot of my friends have told me the same thing, but...this is American society. My cultural society is extremely different. I'm not FREE till I am married off to another guy. I know I'm a citizen and can be "free" but, at the same time, I love my parents, though they say that stuff...I love them, and I love my siblings and I don't want to leave them. Me, running away, would put my family in danger and not only my family, but all my relatives will disown me and though, I despise the lifestyle of the people and the way they raise their kids...I still love the people. you know? Trash_mail: Thank-you so much for supporting this. I feel as if I'm doing the right thing too because i'm truly risking way too much if I even tried to hook up with this guy. If he truly loves me, and if this is ever supposed to "be"...it will happen, right? No matter what.

And then it sucks, that you have to give up someone that you LOVE and who LOVES you for people who have always told you that you're a failure. It just sucks but I'm scared. I'm scared of the abuse more than anything in the world and I hate being scared like that.

Of course. I completely understand where you're coming from. I mean, they always tell you that you're POINTLESS and WORTHLESS and I get that all the time for my parents. Telling me i'm ugly and not smart and just pin-pointing that i'm not good at ANYTHING. Then, I hear different from people around me. they tell me, "Rebecca, you're smart, you're beautiful...etc...etc" but its hard to believe them sometimes...when all your life, you've gotten told you're a failure...you know?

The thread-maker here was a genius. I AM SOOO DARN CONFUSED! I'M JUST A TEENAGE GIRL AND I DON'T WANT TO HAVE TO PUT UP WITH THIS BUT MY FUTURE IS IMPORTANT TO ME AND I'VE PUT UP WITH 19 YEARS OF THIS ABUSE AND SCARS AND YELLING AND PUTTING DOWN. JUST A FEW MORE YEARS to GO but NOTHING and NO ONE will ever make up for all the CHANCES i've had to give up to be FREAKING SAFE! and I'm SO sick of my parents telling me I'm not smart, and that I'm ugly and that I'm completely worthless and telling me all that crap...but I WANT to live so I CAN get out of this place and STAND UP for what I believe in. Whew.

Exactly Ren... Thats how I feel. I feel like there is too much to risk right now and I can't risk that. I've worked so hard, I've put up with 19 years of constant putting-down and abuse and scars...I think I can wait a few more years and then get established and SHOW my mom that it is possible to lead a happy life with obedient children, if LOVE instead of FEAR is used. I never want her to think she's won and broken my soul because that is the worst feeling in the world. But, then again, giving something up for someone you love...that really really really hurts too.

Hi you guys, I'm new to this site and I really need some input on an important situation. I am an Iraqi Muslim girl [born-and-raised in American though]and thus, culturally-speaking, my parents want me to get an arranged marriage. Religiously, I am able to marry who I want (preferably, who I'm attracted to) but they have to be my religion, for my convenience. I don't mean to offend any liberals, but when it comes to religion, its a really important part of my life. I love my religion and I want to marry someone who shares that passion for it too. However, there is this AMERICAN guy that I really like...he has liked me for 3 years now, and is even willing to convert for me. Which...to an extent, shows how much he cares. I really love him...the problem is: My religion encourages to not date and get into serious relationships till one is at an age for marriage and haha, I'm not anywhere near that age...I agree with this. Culturally, dating has been prohibited and in strong-Islamic countries, you get lashes for breaking that rule because emotions are a really strong thing and should not be played with unless there is an intent of marriage or seriousness involved. That's one reasons I can't date him. and he says its okay for us to not date, but he only wants to talk. But right now, I know its not the right thing because whats the point of getting more attatched, if you're gonna have to let go in the end? The second reason is that my parents are abusive parents. I was an "oops" child and my mother has told me one too many times that she hates me. I was caught dating someone when I was a freshman in high-school [long time ago] and I remember, I was beaten till I bled. Even though I love this guy, I don't want to put my life at risk and i know that if my parents found out I was dating this guy, they would stop funding me for college [and I LIVE with my parents because they made me] so they have a good chance of finding out. I have worked extremely hard my whole life and excell at college. I want to be a surgeon and I'm currently attending Yale. I don't want to throw away my whole future and I know that if my parents found me dating a guy, who is not my culture, and I'm not allowed to date yet, I would be sent off to Iraq to get married. I don't want to risk this at all. I would, if I was a normal girl with normal consequences. But the consequences are too high... I am not and I don't plan on submitting to arranged marriage, because its okay not to, religiously. But RIGHT NOW, since I"m only a freshmen in college, I need to submit to my parent's wishes so I can later, establish my ownself and try and follow my own heart. and I'm SCARED to get beaten up again. I get abused very often but if they found out I was dating, I would literally be putting my LIFE at stake [this is not exaggeration to those who know of my culture]. I've told this guy everything and explained to him from A-Z, and he completely understands, yet its hard..its so HARD to move on, when you're not ready to move on. I mean, i literally had to tell him: "I want to move on, cuz you're perfect for me". Do you think I did the right thing? I just need some reassurance badly and I want some people, who understand, to support me, because all of my college friends, though I love them, fail to understand completely and I just want some reassurance and a strong network of ppl I can fall back upon because I'm not sure if i'm doing the right thing. I want to follow my heart, and I will..eventually, but I'm not going to be able to support myself, if i run away right now. I need to be established before I do that. and I don't have the money to finish college at Yale. and...I dont want to leave my brother and sister because despite my parents' problems, I love them both and I don't ever want them to think I'm weak and ran away and I want to set a good example for them and support them through everything i've had to go through because they are next in line. Thanks. Rebecca

oh and after saying that i want to end it all...i don't want to change my mind...because, i would be putting him an extremely unfair and uncomfortable position...but i mean, can you understand why it would be natural to want to change your mind because...what you're doing is for the future...not for yourself..?

The “Hello” Hello all, I’m kinda new to this site and I was hoping some of you can help me. It is quite a tough decision on my part though I’m hoping some of you may be able to help me. My friends are doing the best they can but this is one of the situations they can’t completely understand this situation and I think you will find out why. “The Background” I just got out of a relationship a few years ago that I am still “healing” from and I don’t want to become a part of another one though I like this guy at high-school. I like him a lot and I know that he likes me a lot but I also know that this is only high-school and things are most probably not going to last. Though I am extremely practical, my emotions tend to get the best of me, even though, I know I’m setting my self up for a heart failure one day. Hahaha. This is one of those times. “The Problem” Well, I come from an extremely orthodox family and they have submitted me to arranged marriage. When they found out that I was dating a guy for a few years [the one who I’m still getting over], they got me a one-way ticket to Pakistan and sent me to get married. Of course, relatives considered other wise and decided to give me one more chance. I do NOT agree with this ritual or tradition at all and do not plan on following it, even if it comes down to running away. If my family truly loved me, they would try to act in my happiness rather than to save some dying tradition. The thing is…no matter how much I hate this arranged marriage submission, I have to live with it till I am old enough to live on my own. Like I said, I am extremely practical and I know that I need their money for college and I plan on going to Yale…I think I can get in because states view GPA at a 4.0 level and I have a 4.73 because of the college courses I am taking along with my other classes. I can probably qualify for many scholarships [being a hardworking minority] and survive but for now, I need to hold on to what I’ve got. “The Situation” Now, I really like this guy at school and he likes me too. In fact, he has liked me and has refused to go out with another girl for about 3 years now. I feel bad because I never liked him but I do now. The thing is…even though we are not dating…we still talk, and I feel like we’re dating. I also know that I always get caught when doing this because my parents dig through my room, my book bag, my purse…etc. and being a teenager, I’m sure to leave hints around. I REALLY REALLY like this guy but I do not LOVE him like I did my ex-boyfriend. I was willing to be sent back to Pakistan for him…which I did and I don’t regret it. But this guy…is not worth that. When I started liking him, a month ago, we started talking and becoming closer…and I just am scared of getting caught because the “means do not justify the ends”. I don’t think ruining my future is worth getting cute little “like” temporarily. But emotions are strong. He has met this other girl who he adores very much [though he does not admit it]…but he has told me that if he wasn’t so in love [haha…rightttt..] with me, he would go out with her. “The Fear” I am sick of this guilt I’m carrying around and constantly being afraid of the future and I just want to get rid of this guy and my feelings for him. I’m going to tell him exactly what I wrote over here [minus the ex-boyfriend part…unless it comes up] and hopefully he’ll understand. I also do not want to talk to him for quite a period of time afterwards to get over him because telling him to “end” whatever we have and persistence in talking to him is a set-up for me liking him more. I’m scared he is going to start going out with this other girl. “The Question” What should I do? Should I break the news to him in person [he has some background of the arranged marriage and psychotic parents deal] or on the phone? Should I just get over it…or what…even though he may go out with this other girl… I mean…this must be hard for you guys to answer because this is me breaking up with a person that I don’t want to break up with. Haha, most of what I’ve seen deals with broken dumpees or guilty dumpers…but imagine how hard this is for me.