lots of female friends

[dinkykat]

Ive been going out with my boyfriend for only 3 months and i love him to death. The only thing spoiling our relationship is my jealousy, he has loads of female friends in real life, txt and cyberspace. Its something im not used to and am finding it really difficult to trust him even though hes done nothing wrong.

 

Hes separated but still sees his ex wife who even cuts his hair for him! The thought of her touching his hair drives me mad, am i being silly? She txts him and rings him all the time and I know she wants to get back with him. He left her so I am confident that he doesn't want to get back with her, I just think he likes the attention. It has caused a lot of arguments and I dont want to lose him, hes been through depression and goes into his own world a lot, which doesnt include me and i feel ignored. I am trying to understand but it is difficult when I want someone who loves me as much as I love them.

 

Ive also read txts from female colleagues which were very suggestive, I questioned him about them but he denies there was anything going on. I try to make him jealous but he doesnt bite at all. What's going on?

 

Thanks for reading and any help appreciated.

[fnlyfrei]

Firstly, I would never date anyone who is only separated. Secondly, it sounds like he is still stretching his toes, or wings...or whatever. Newly separated people, and then later divorced people....are not looking for a serious relationship right away. They need time to work on things...find themselves...be free. It seems like he is enjoying being single...although he isn't completely divorced yet. That stuff would bother me too if I were looking for someone to love for the long haul. He just doesn't seem ready for that yet. You need someone who is...right? Or are you okay with a very casual relationship? I met someone who wanted the same things I did....and BAM we are engaged. After dating or seeing people who were not ready or not interested...etc...it still overwhelms me, but when you meet someone of like mind. It clicks. I guess you need to talk to him about what he wants firstly..before you bother to get jealous of the other birds. (sorry, couldnt help the birds thing... )

[GQstatus]

Any guy that hangs onto "loads" of female friends, after he's in a relationship has ulterior motives, IMO.

 

I too have quite a few female friends (mostly acquaintances). But once I get into a relationship, those contacts are cut if not completely, down to almost nothing. I have 1 close female friend who I'd never shut out even if I was in a relationship, but I also let my SO know this from the beginning.

 

You need to ask him what's more important, all his ego boosting female friendships, or you being his gf.

[Batya33]

the real problem is that you are dating a married man. Separated means "still married." I like Dr. Joy Browne's rule (she has a web site I am sure) of not dating someone for at least one year after their divorce is final no matter how long the separation and no matter why the divorce.

 

I would guess that he has all these female friends because since he is a married man going through a divorce (has he even filed yet?) he is itching to feel "single" and loving the attention from other women that he was not allowed to have when he was living with his wife. It's a reaction to the typical chaos of going through a divorce.

[anna_k]

I had the same problem as you dinkykat.

 

When I asked him about it, he just said that he liked their company. And besides you cannot be around 24-7 to provide him with female attention, thus, a man's gotta have back-up.

 

As the other posters have said, it's suspicious but doesn't necessarily mean he is an evil, attention hungry, man-wh*re.

 

Some guys just like a lot of female attention. And I've seen this with girls who like a lof of male attention too. It's not always that they WANT to have a bank of back-ups to screw around with, it's just the potential and ego-inflating fact that it exists.

 

When I threatenned to leave him, he did one of those eye rolls and exasperated sighs. 'If you're going to leave me, you better think of some other reason....because that's stupid.'

 

You said he has a history of depression and goes into his own world. My only guess is that he may feel he needs a variety of different and/or anonymous people to talk about different things when he's in different moods. You just want to escape reality when you're depressed sometimes.

[Batya33]

My boyfriend has several female friends. It has nothing to do with needing "female" attention - they are his friends - they have things in common - nothing to do with gender. Same with me - I don't need my male friends so I have men to flirt with or to get "male attention." In the OPs case I believe that his motive - since he is still married - is to get "female attention" but that's not the reason in many cases.

[Steven1607307306]

Any guy that hangs onto "loads" of female friends, after he's in a relationship has ulterior motives, IMO.

 

I too have quite a few female friends (mostly acquaintances). But once I get into a relationship, those contacts are cut if not completely, down to almost nothing. I have 1 close female friend who I'd never shut out even if I was in a relationship, but I also let my SO know this from the beginning.

 

You need to ask him what's more important, all his ego boosting female friendships, or you being his gf.

 

Untrue. I have just about ALL female friends, yet I don't have ulterior motives. I spend time with my gf, I spend time with another friend later, or I'll hang out with my gf and another female friend at the same time. It's all about trust, if you don't trust him with his friends, then why change him?

 

If my GF asked me to choose between her or my friends, I'd choose my friends. They were there before her, and they aren't putting me on the spot to choose between her or them. Screw that.

[Batya33]

i think it depends on whether your girlfriend is invited to meet your female friends, whether there is a sexual attraction between you and the female friends (which means you need to be extra careful not to send mixed messages) and whether the female friends are accepting of and respectful to your girlfriend. If there are serious issues with any of the above then, yes, if you want an exclusive romantic relationship you might need to distance yourself from those female friends who are not respectful of your relationship.

[Steven1607307306]

i think it depends on whether your girlfriend is invited to meet your female friends, whether there is a sexual attraction between you and the female friends (which means you need to be extra careful not to send mixed messages) and whether the female friends are accepting of and respectful to your girlfriend. If there are serious issues with any of the above then, yes, if you want an exclusive romantic relationship you might need to distance yourself from those female friends who are not respectful of your relationship.

 

So true. That's exactly how everything works out for me. Everyone needs to be on the same page when it comes to issues like that.

[dinkykat]

I've met one of his female friends and there is no sexual chemistry between them at all. They have the same interests (which I don't share which is probably why I feel like I do). He spends most of his time with me but it's just the secrecy bit I find difficult. I will walk into a room and he will put the laptop down or as soon as I walk out of a room he will be on his mobile. More often than not he won't tell me who it is. Part of his "singledom" kicking in? But if he's not ready for another relationship why tell me he loves me, lots and lots and lots?

[Batya33]

Because people say lots of things - watch what he does not what he says. He is a married man so by definition he can't be in a committed relationship with you because he is legally committed to his wife. As far as the secrecy I think it is fine to have private conversations with friends of both sexes and you should not give him the sense that you need to know everything he says to his friends.

[Rabican]

Any guy that hangs onto "loads" of female friends, after he's in a relationship has ulterior motives, IMO.

 

I too have quite a few female friends (mostly acquaintances). But once I get into a relationship, those contacts are cut if not completely, down to almost nothing. I have 1 close female friend who I'd never shut out even if I was in a relationship, but I also let my SO know this from the beginning.

 

You need to ask him what's more important, all his ego boosting female friendships, or you being his gf.

 

Couldnt have said it any better.

 

Ill add one thing though, once those girls start sending him 'suggestive' messages... then that eliminates them from the 'friend' category. They move into another category... competition. Which is something that your man should avoid if he respects you.

[Rabican]

I've met one of his female friends and there is no sexual chemistry between them at all. They have the same interests (which I don't share which is probably why I feel like I do). He spends most of his time with me but it's just the secrecy bit I find difficult. I will walk into a room and he will put the laptop down or as soon as I walk out of a room he will be on his mobile. More often than not he won't tell me who it is. Part of his "singledom" kicking in? But if he's not ready for another relationship why tell me he loves me, lots and lots and lots?

 

Then I think you should tell him that its not so much his friendships that bother you, but the way in which he handles them.

 

IF he has friendships that have a lot of sexual chemistry, or flirting thats obviously a problem. IF he has friendships that he tends to hide... then thats a behavior that looks suspicious. Tell him you are willing to accept his friends, if he is willing to act like he isnt hiding things from you. NOt to say that you need to read all of his conversations, but he shouldnt act like he has to hide them all either.

 

After all, if you dont have anything to hide, then dont hide anything.