Is this normal of a guy?! (guys opinions on this would be awesome)

[Pinkbubbles]

Ok so I've posted about my situation on here before but its changed now. For the worse it feels. This guy has been pursuing me for over a year now. The short of the story is that he was adament that we would be together, but I refused his advances for months cause he's my brothers friend. I started to fall for him, he was very sweet and charming. It all came together with my brothers approval and everything. We've never gone on a date though. We hang out when he's home from work, he works a 2 week shift out of town and 1 week off at home during the winter. We have this amazing rapport, are conversations are great, but its never anything too deep like about 'us' or anything.

 

Anyways over the past couple months he seems withdrawn, he seems to get deterred easily if I can not get together with him or I am busy. He would call me while he was away to talk about work and him hating being up there so long, away from home. I've stayed the night with him several times now and he's always been willing to talk and hang out the next time he's home. I stayed with him the last time he was home, the night before he went back to work. But he's been back at work now for almost 2 weeks and I havent heard from him.

 

I'm just wondering if this sounds like he's given up...Do guys get deterred often? I know he's held on for longer than most guys would have, but he has also invested himself in this as I have. Like how long does a guy hold onto hope? If there is no sex involved, intimacy but no sex?

[Beec]

No one else is replying, so I'll try.

 

I don't know what you attitude towards sex is or what he is either, and in order to answer your questions, that might be useful. If sex is totally out of the question for you, and he thinks it should be on the table, then there is a problem with little solution. If it's possible for either of you, then any problems are easier to address. A man may chase a woman for a long time if he has the hope of having sex with her.

 

And I think the idea of chasing may be of real significance for him and you. It may be that you might have been too available to him, in some respects. So, besides sex has has nothing else to chase. If he need not chase you to get your attention, to get some appreciation from you, etc. then perhaps you should give him something to chase. Once he catches it, or better than that right before he catches it, give him soemthing else to chase

[rocio]

To answer your direct question - guys can wait a long time for sex. A really long time, if you are keeping their interest.

 

Why don't you ask him why he hasn't called as much? Don't do it in a demanding, accusing, or needy way. Just ask if there's anything wrong, or anything he'd like to talk about.

 

Otherwise, try to be available to him when he is in town. Schedule other appointments or parties with friends for the 2 weeks he's gone. Make him see that he's a priority for you. You can also help with his boredom and loneliness when he's away at work by sending cards or little presents in the mail, e-mailing pictures of you doing silly or sexy things, etc.

 

He's been doing all the chasing until now. You talk about him calling you, but do you call him? Now that you are starting a relationship, you can do some of the chasing. Make him feel special.

[rocio]

Wow, Beec and I just gave opposite advice. Sorry to confuse you, PB

[Beec]

hazey, I like some of your advice, and it gives me a chance to clarify.

 

Men can wait a long time, but not all men will. Why I asked about Pinkbubbles feelings about sex.

 

I would not ask him why he has not called you. That conversation almost no matter how you do it conveys the idea that has an obligation to clal you, and that's just tending toward being needy. Not much you can do to avoid it no matter how you try, and I see hazey said to avoid it. I think it is too tough to avoid.

 

I might call him, just for you to ask how he is, and then ask really nothing else about or from him. A simple: "Hi I am just calling to see how you are, I was a bit worried about you. Hope you are fine." Then you hang-up. This kind of messages shows you care, it gives, it does not ask for anything.

 

At this time, I would be available to see him when he is at home, but I might be a little more toward emotionally aloof. Let him wonder how you feel, let him chase your emotions. For example, you see him, walk up to him, kiss him, stop, act happy, but not overjoyed to see him. That's you being happy, upbeat, friendly, but not happy just because he is there.

 

As far as the rest, if he is acting like a boyfriend, send him things that show you care or want him. But I'd see him act that way before sending stuff.

[Pinkbubbles]

Thanks for the advice so far guys.

 

To answer questions about my stand on sex, I'm still a virgin but I am not intent on waiting til marriage. But until I fall in love and I know I can completely trust my partner sex isnt going to be a part of our relationship. I know that he has a sexual past though. We've talked about it to a certain extent before.

 

As for the chasing, I've done the majority of the chasing in the past months. To the point where I honestly asked him if I was the annoying girl. His response to that was no not at all. So I was reassured for awhile, he began to call or text first more than he had been doing, but then when he came home I wasnt available the couple times he wanted to hang out so he stopped until he went back to work, then it was fine again until he came home. He didnt make any contact until I called him 6 days into his week to come out with some friends. He did and it was a good night. He was very "boyfriendish". He would get almost territorial when other guys would come up and talk to me, even if I knew them. Then there was a guy there that I had a bad experience with in the past and he got really defensive of me, cause he knew I didnt like him, not why, and he didnt want him around me cause he upset me. It was cute and reassuring of the way he felt towards me. But now with no contact for so long I have no idea whats up.

[spirits]

what does whether he's still interested in you or not have anything to do with sex in the first place?

 

1 year isn't that long, but you may have to describe the situation a little more precisely in order to tell whether he's still interested in you or not. What does intimate mean and what do you mean by him getting deterred? How long has it been since he first had interest in you up until the point where you became interested in him?

[rocio]

Can I take back some advice? If you've been doing most of the chasing and even asked him if you were being annoying, then backing down is probably a good strategy at this point. Let him know that he's special to you, but don't do more of the chasing than him.

[Pinkbubbles]

Hazey Amber, I totally agree with your advice. I think I should back down, I dont know I just feel that I annoying, even though he says the opposite. I got used to being the one chased now I'm not so comfortable with being the one doing the chasing.

 

Spirits, Our story is crazy and super long so I dont want to ramble about it but I'll try to give you the important info. I met him about a year ago, a week before I left for 3 months in Australia, he insisted that we would date when I got home. I talked to him on the phone once while I was away when he was at my brothers place but other than that there was nothing. Even after I got home there was nothing. He didnt call for a date or anything so I just shrugged it off and figured it was just a ploy to piss my brother off. Then one night I was staying at my brothers place and he was over, they were all drinking in the backyard but he came inside to sit with me and keep me company. I think thats when I first acknowledged that I did like him, he was cute before but now he was sweet too.

 

After that night I would see him out all the time, we would usually just end up hanging out all night, often times we would take off and go somewhere for coffee. During one of these coffee breaks he asked me when I was going to marry him. It was kinda an out of the blue question/comment cause we both knew he wasnt serious so I jsut kinda laughed it off, but he was like I know you dont think so right now but it'll happen, we'll be together. At this point we weren't calling or texting one another yet. I was still adament that we could be nothign more than friends cause of his friendship with my brother. And this was over the summer.

 

One night I went out with a bunch of friends trying to get past this thing with him but as my luck runs he was out at the same club. Immediately he came over and we started chatting and it was like that all night, eventually the people I was with were leaving so I told him I had to go, as I walked away he mouthed and gestured "I love you". I was alittle taken aback and didnt know what to do so I smiled and waved to him before I went through the door. That moment never made things awkward between us though. Everytime we would see one another it would be in public with other people cause I still wasnt ok with dating him.

 

Now in Sept I was hanging out with him again just at a mutual friends place and he asked me to go to Mexico with him to his friends wedding...he then implied that we too could get married while we were down there. He said he would pay for everything all I had to do was spend the time with him. Due to school and my brother I declined. At the end of that night he was like we should hang out tomorrow after your done work. I agreed. He said to call him after work. I did, but he felt it was too late to do anything. This made me feel like he wasnt interested so I avoided seeing him through friends or my brother. Like I was shut down by him or somethign you know.

 

He went to Mexico in October. I saw him once after he came home before my grandpa passed away. My grandparents live on one side of the country and I am on the other so I had to go home for awhile for the funeral and mourning. He made no contact to console me or to see how I was. When I came home a few weeks later my friends had a party/get together for me to lift my spirits. He wasnt invited out, intentional or not on their part I dont know. Anyways he called me to see if I wanted to come out with him and his buddies. I told him what I was doing and where. He left where he was with his buddies and came to my party to hang out with me. That night I went home with him. We spent the majority of the night talking, listening to music and cuddling. Like just being together. It was really nice.

 

He was now working those 2 weeks away and 1 week home so I didnt get to see him again til my friends birthday at the beginning of Dec which was an ok visit but not what I had anticipated for the next time I saw him. After that I didnt talk to him much. So little actually that I figured it was time to move on to someone new, to get over him. I went out one night with the girls and ended making out with a guy I used to work with. To my surprise the guy this is all about was out at the same place. I felt like such a fool and realized I wasnt ready to be over him. I made sure I spent the rest of the night with him and only him. I stayed at his house again. This was right before christmas.

 

Since then I've seen him every week that he's been home except for one and thats explain in one of the previous posts above. The whole 'other guy' thing wasnt a big deal, he was never made about it. But since then I've noticed he gets very territorial, as talked about in a previous post. By deterred I mean like could he feel like this is going no where and he feels its time to give up? By why keep at it this long if your going to give up now?!

 

I know thats super long but I tried to cut it down for you! I hope its enough background to give you a sense of how he is.

[spirits]

Okay... I'm going to be very clear that what i say may not be what he is. I'm not 100% confident about my knowledge of the situation. So just take whatever i say as something to think about.

 

- I think he lost his initial passion of wanting to be with you. It's a way to cope with him not able to be with you.

 

- I also sensed a little bit of tension here as well. Like wanting to maintain a distance so that the counterpart would be interested.

 

I didn't quite grasp what you said about the other guy you made out with. Did he SEE IT? or does he not know (even if you guys are at the same place)? I think that's a really wrong step you took, if he did see it. Very very bad. It's got less to do with the process but more about knowing you as a person.

 

- I think his logical part of him is taking place rather than his emotional part. He has less of an urge to see you or contact you, but doesn't mean he doesn't like you (which i couldn't guarantee if he saw you kiss with the guy)

 

I don't know if you are close to your brother, but you might want to ask your brother why he permits the guy to go for his little sister. I think that would give you more insights as to how he is like.

 

again, only take what i say as something to think about. Through what you've just described, I honestly couldn't grasp the big picture here.

[Pinkbubbles]

I know its hard to completely appreciate the whole situation when you dont know all of whats involved, but I do appreciate you guys trying to help me out as good as you can.

 

The whole other guy situation was a mistake and I completely understand that. Good did come of it though, I'll explain alittle more. It was just before christmas, I was incredibly annoyed with the situation between the two of us and I felt that was really not going anywhere at that point. I felt it would be a good opportunity to get over him and move on. ( I decided this before I went out with my friends) I had way, way too much to drink when we did go out, saw a guy I used to work with that I knew wanted to hook up with me before. My guy did not see us. It did not last very long at all. The good out of it was that I realized that I didnt want to be over him. I went to him, after I asked the other guy to leave, and tried to make it known how much he means to me and that I wanted to be with him. Either way the kiss didnt mean anything and he knows it, we've never established our exclusivity and he knows I had no interest in that other guy.

 

The whole idea that he is my brothers fried really bothered me. My brother and I are fairly close, we've only gotten to be friends more so than siblings in the past couple years. This is that reason I kept him at a distance, not to keep him interested. I didnt want to strain their friendship or our relationship. When I realized I was starting to develop feelings for this guy I felt I needed to talk to my brother. I was incredibly scared to though because since the time I turned like 14 I wasn't really aloud around his guy friends for the fact that I was "off limits". The little sister syndrome. Until this day he's the same way. But when it came to this guy he was totally different, like encouraging us to hang out and stuff. So when I talked to him about it his response was

that he knows what kind of a guy I deserve and he hasn't meet anyone that suits me better than this guy. He said he knew this guy, he knew that he's a good guy and that he would treat me right, he would be good for me. So that was the turning point of me resisting us being together.

 

I'm not sure what else I could mention that would help you get a better grasp on the situation though, sorry.

[TheFoglifter]

Those diggitydogg threads on this forum are very clear about what "chasing" a woman actually means. According to those guides, chasing a woman after she has said no devalues a man, and places all the power in the hands of the woman, which means that if a relationship miraculously happens (and he says it probably won't because what woman wants a man who doesn't value himself) it will be on her terms backed up by the threat of her walking at any time.

 

So to answer your question, if the man is following that school of thought, then perhaps he is trying to gain more power in the relationship. If he knows you are interested, and he scales back his own interest hoping to make you work harder, then he will have more leverage to get what he wants.

 

Knowing this may affect how you proceed, of course. If you suspect he is trying to pull a power play, then it might motivate you to walk away.

[trash mail]

Do guys get deterred often?

Not often but we get tired of games.

I liken it to a jar of sand, (sand means patience/tollerence) every time you plays games and make him wait or test him a little sand come out. The more you test him the more sand come out. It comes a point here there is no more sand and he simply can't be bothered. Whether you test him delibrately or not, whether if it is your indecisions to be with him, he will see it as a test. He might feel that he has been tested enough and there isnt anymore 'sand' in the jar. He too tired of the crap. Decide if you want to be with him or let him go.

No more games.

[Pinkbubbles]

I know I want to be with him, if he still wants to be with me. I dont want to lay it all out there for him to shut me down if he really isn't interested in me anymore though. Is there anyway I can feel it out without it being obvious?

[Skippy]

for me.. honestly is the way to go.

Love and risk goes hand in hand.

 

You really dont lose anything from telling the truth, if he rejects you, that is all it is, simply the fact that he is not into you anymore and the timing is wrong. Anything said after that doesnt matter.

If loves you back then all fine and dandy.

[Pinkbubbles]

I also think honesty is the only way to make a relationship work. With this whole situation with this guy I wasnt ever worried about having to tell him the truth I just didnt want to have to lay it all out there and get it thrown back in my face in a sense.

 

It doesnt matter though we talked for awhile last night and I've decided that if there is anything there its over. I'm done being manipulated. He doesnt treat me the way I should be treated and I'd rather be alone than play these games anymore.

 

Thanks all of you guys for you advice I think you all had a hand in opening my eyes!