BikerBoy Posted March 2, 2007 Share Posted March 2, 2007 Hello, first of all welcome. I am new here and I hope I found a right place to share my problems... I have been married for 15 years now and in relationship with my wife for 20 years. I am 37, she is 35, we have two kids, a boy 13 and a girl 9. Last year, I discovered, that she was intensively emailing with her friend from her previous work. This came as a shock as they were talking about hot sex between them (in their dreams etc.) I suspected something as my wife was hiding her screen, clicking to close when I entered the room etc. I felt devastated. Spent some night talking about it and she insisted that this was only jokes and usually they don't do it and they will never do it again. I even sent a note to the guy asking where I stand as marriage and my relationship is the foundation of everything for me. He apologised and we moved on. now the problem - I can't get over it... And my wife, knowing that I have such strong feelings about it, continues emailing him, she now has a separate email etc. and nicks each minute she is free to get onto the PC. Last Saturday he visited her when I was away which she says was purely coincidence as he wanted to see me as well (I also from time to time e-mail with him now). I also met him in person. He is 51 and has wife with whom he is for 30 years now. And tells me that he loves her to bits. I can see the characteristic font on PC screen when my wife sits there (the one they use in their notes), told her that hurts me, but she said she is perfectly OK with herself and loves me. Still continues doing that behind my back. I keep telling myself it is jealousy, it is sick and I should not pay attention to it, but I can't. I feel like cracking my wife's password to see what they are talking about so secretly but I think this would be below any standards. I don't know what to do now. I cannot pretend all is OK and smile in her eyes all the time. She says I am paranoic, so now I keep telling I have problems at work to make her think all is OK... We have quite OK intimate life etc. maybe it is just me? I feel I am really sick... any comments? BB PS. Sorry for chaotic note. I somehow cannot put it all properly together. Link to comment
tylercdurden2004 Posted March 2, 2007 Share Posted March 2, 2007 Shes cheating. If not physically at least emotionally over the internet. Is this acceptable behaviour you expect and accept from you wife? Link to comment
Honey Pumpkin Posted March 2, 2007 Share Posted March 2, 2007 I think that emotional infidelity through online romance is a HUGE and growing area. People engaged in an online affair go through several personality changes and often believe that an online affair isn’t really cheating. They believe it is a harmless flirtation because it doesn’t involve any “physical touching”. However, the emotional pain and devastation is just the same. I personally think your wife is being incredibly insensitive, to carry on this relationship and to shut you out. I think personally that counselling is the way forward for you and your wife, so that you can explore WHY she is doing this, and she can understand what it's doing to you and your marriage. Don't accept it as normal -it's really not, and it is a form of being unfaithful. You are right to have these feelings of being hurt and betrayed, and it's not something YOU have to get over, but an issue that you both need to address. Talk to your wife, tell her that she is destroying your marriage, and that you both need to address this head on. Good luck. Link to comment
tylercdurden2004 Posted March 2, 2007 Share Posted March 2, 2007 That is not the word I would use to describe her behaviour. Its down right disrepectful and hurtful. Insensitive implies some sort of ignorance or innocence. I dont see this as being teh case here. Link to comment
BikerBoy Posted March 2, 2007 Author Share Posted March 2, 2007 But what to do now? She does not feel her guilt. Trying to close herself and keeps telling me she does not cross the borders anymore. Apologised and expects me to forget it now... It is stronger than me and cannot just switch myself off ... BB Link to comment
tylercdurden2004 Posted March 2, 2007 Share Posted March 2, 2007 If I was in your shoes i would look at why she is feeling the need to look elsewhere for affection. Whats is it that you are doing to push her away. First I think you are giving her to much control and not taking control of the situation yourself. Shes tells you all sorts of crud and you back down. Ultimately you may need to take a hard look at dissolving this relationship. Link to comment
BikerBoy Posted March 2, 2007 Author Share Posted March 2, 2007 Asked her what is it she needs that I can't give her but she keeps telling me she has everything in our marriage and she is happy. I know that if this was me I would just stop emailing knowing how much it hurts. There are thousands of excuses for why I could not send e-mails anymore. But I still want to keep the balance by telling myself I am just jealous. And I love her and I want to be fair to her. Thinking that I should give her space and leave her more room which was never the case over last 20 years. It is just not like us.... And I want our relationship to get back to normal... And in the end of the day, I can do nothing... I travel from time to time and she has her freedom... I really can't get over it! I may need a specialist but my wife told me she would not go with me although I think she would if push comes to shove... BB Link to comment
Locke2121 Posted March 2, 2007 Share Posted March 2, 2007 Does she know your pain? I don't think so. He may be a confidant, but then again, he may not! You need to let her know just how much this hurts you, and if she can't feel that pain, it may be time to go your separate ways. As nasty and horrible as it is, that may be the only way that she knows how much you've been hurt. Link to comment
tylercdurden2004 Posted March 2, 2007 Share Posted March 2, 2007 You shouldnt have to ask what she needs. She shouldnt have to spell it out. This is the unfortunately the way things her are. Most likely in her mind she think "jeez do I really have to spell out everything for this numbskull". she doesnt want to go to a therapist and that should be saying a lot. Link to comment
BikerBoy Posted March 2, 2007 Author Share Posted March 2, 2007 The thing is. What if she does not do anything harmful? What if this is only friend and they just talk? I don't want to come accross as intolerable, jealous beast. She told me she wouldn't mind at all if I emailed with somebody like that. I feel I don't trust her anymore... And this hurts me even more. No touching, no real sex etc. so no betrayal huh? BB Link to comment
Locke2121 Posted March 2, 2007 Share Posted March 2, 2007 Well....there is a way to at least know what she's writing to him. Its called a keylogger. It runs in the background and unless you know its there, its invisable. Spying is a dirty thing...but required sometimes. No touching, no real sex etc. so no betrayal huh? BULL! Betrayal can be emotional as well, and in fact can be more devistating. Link to comment
BikerBoy Posted March 2, 2007 Author Share Posted March 2, 2007 Well....there is a way to at least know what she's writing to him. Its called a keylogger. It runs in the background and unless you know its there, its invisable. Spying is a dirty thing...but required sometimes. But what's the point of that? I will think even more about it... And in fact wife should know herself what is good what is bad wouldn't she? Last thing I want is to lock somebody with myself. Uncertainty and lack of trust is the pain. I would never do this and I feel I don't deserve this! BB Link to comment
tylercdurden2004 Posted March 2, 2007 Share Posted March 2, 2007 The thing is. What if she does not do anything harmful? What if this is only friend and they just talk? I don't want to come accross as intolerable, jealous beast. She told me she wouldn't mind at all if I did that. I feel I don't trust her anymore... And this hurts me even more. No touching, no real sex etc. so no betrayal huh? BB She wants you to come accross as a jealous beast? If this is the case I might read into that, that she wants you to show a little more attention towards her. Not in a jealous way but in a controled and confident way. Whens the last time you romanced her and took her out on a date like dancing or something she loves. Whens the last time you surprised her. Most women love to be romanced and surprised with nice things. not all the time but in a meaningful way that shows you are thoughtful and loving towards her. Link to comment
JoeWho Posted March 2, 2007 Share Posted March 2, 2007 Thats one of the big problems with the whole on-line emotional affair thing. The person having one doesn't think there is anything wrong with it. They think it is harmless flirting and fun while the other person is truly hurt by it. And I'm sure that if you were actually doing what she is she would care. Link to comment
tylercdurden2004 Posted March 2, 2007 Share Posted March 2, 2007 I dont think she actually thinks its harmless. That maybe her way of justifying it to herself. You guys need to read between the lines. If a guy she really loved did this to her do you honestly think she would see it as harmless. But when the shoes on the other foot. No sane person would think this is OK. They would however justify it like heck. Shes got all the power now. Link to comment
Locke2121 Posted March 2, 2007 Share Posted March 2, 2007 She wants you to come accross as a jealous beast? If this is the case I might read into that, that she wants you to show a little more attention towards her. Not in a jealous way but in a controled and confident way. Hmm, I missed that.... Link to comment
BikerBoy Posted March 2, 2007 Author Share Posted March 2, 2007 Shes got all the power now. What does this mean? That she does what she wants and I should suffer? Is this the power in healthy relationship? Is there any point where the power should be on one or the other side? I just can't get it... BB Link to comment
BikerBoy Posted March 2, 2007 Author Share Posted March 2, 2007 She wants you to come accross as a jealous beast? No she told me she wouldn't mind if I e-mailed with somebody Link to comment
Locke2121 Posted March 2, 2007 Share Posted March 2, 2007 Oi....yeah, she has all the power now. You are officially a doormat. You set there and let her possibly carry on an emotional affair right in front of you, and all you do is whine like a schoolboy whose testicles haven't dropped. See? Thats power. I know your slightly confused as to the relationship, is it serious or flirting. Use a keylogger on her computer. You will get a record of everything she types, and you'll have the satisfaction of knowing then. If its harmless flirting and really just friend talk..ok, no harm no foul. But if its more than that, you need to take back your manhood! Tell her that you know whats going on, you have proof and that its time that she makes a decision. If she wants to throw away a wonderful life together for some fling over the internet, then she needs to commit and get gone. But if she doesn't want him, then it will take BOTH of you to fix this. You need to become the man she remembers, not the boy you've become. It'll be hard, but I think you can do it! Gods bless you dude! Link to comment
ImThatGirl Posted March 2, 2007 Share Posted March 2, 2007 BikerBoy---- What concerns me is that neither of you see the seriousness of this matter. In a marriage, people are supposed to lean on each other (husband and wife.) What happens when people start leaning on others outside of the marriage? An emotional affair. And emotional affairs lead to what? I understand your attempts at trying not to rock the boat. And can't say I completely disagree with you. However, I think eventually, you will all feel much more pain than what you are feeling now if you don't go to counseling or attempt to resolve this situation. Link to comment
BikerBoy Posted March 2, 2007 Author Share Posted March 2, 2007 Locke2121, I disagree. For healthy relationship you need both sides respect and love, not control or humiliation. One can only take an amount of grief. In the end both sides will suffer (so I believe) when I walk away some sunny day. Mind we have two wonderful children who I love and can't just walk away causing them to be another victims of adults stupidity. Taking an easy option and way out is not what I have been living and working for. I am ready to bike the bullet and talk to my wife again. I want this to stop and that's it.The rest is in her hands. If she loves me then we'll survive and grow stronger. For which I hope. I realize that this is MY (or OUR) problem, but wanted to have some independent opinions to give me some backround. So far I was blaming myslef for being intolerant... BB Link to comment
Locke2121 Posted March 2, 2007 Share Posted March 2, 2007 For healthy relationship you need both sides respect and love, not control or humiliation. I totally agree.....but what respect or control do you have right now? I'm not asking you to become a overbearing dictator. I'm just saying that you are in a position where you are being walked all over by your wife. She is giving you zero respect, has taken full control and won't give it back. Well, its your choice...you can keep talking and talking and let it all go down the drain, or you can do something to regain the respect and control that you both once shared, but you surrendered to her. I'm sorry about the kids...poor things are always caught in the middle of stuff like this. I want this to stop and that's it. AH! See that?! Thats what I'm talking about! But don't be mean, overbearing or forcefull! What you want is a calm, controlled, no-nonsense approach. Don't loose your temper and don't flare up at anything she says! That just makes things worse. Be firm, let her know that to you this is unacceptable and you want it to stop. Good luck!!! Link to comment
ImThatGirl Posted March 2, 2007 Share Posted March 2, 2007 I think Blaming yourself is normal in this type of situation. You can take part of the responsibility but don't tolerate actions that may be devastating to your marriage. Link to comment
BikerBoy Posted March 2, 2007 Author Share Posted March 2, 2007 I'm not going to Cheers! Link to comment
Locke2121 Posted March 2, 2007 Share Posted March 2, 2007 Yeah, tolerance is what it all boils down to! Link to comment
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