Sleeping around..why do i do it?

[SaRaHmArIe8588]

First off, i am 18 years old and i feel disgusted with myself at the moment because as of yesterday, i have slept with 7 guys. To some people it is a big deal, to others its not, but to me..it is.

 

I have been in one serious relationship in my life (16 months)...which in all honesty i wasnt very serious about because i slept with 2 of the 7 guys while i was with my boyfriend.

 

I'm not the type of girl who can just sleep with someone, without feeling anything or getting attatched, either. I slept with a coworker of mine in october..and i thought we could hit it off. Nope. I slept with another coworker of mine last friday...and i thought that WE could hit it off because he has alot in common. Nope. I always go and sleep with the guys and then that ruins everything because i have learned that most guys arent going to want a relationship with a girl who "gave it up" so easily.

 

I dont know if i am just attracted to the wrong kind of guys..or if i am just a pathetic, desperate mess. My friends have told me that i am just falling for the guys who tell me exactly what i want to hear. The guys i have slept with were all pretty boys..you know. Which is why in my head, i think i felt so attracted to them and wondered to myself if a relationship could develop.

 

I guess what i am getting at in the post, is that i dont know why i sleep with all these guys. I feel like i really get to know them because we talk about EVERYTHING for days/weeks before anything happens. The last guy i slept with, we had an 8.5 hour phone conversation which is why i think i developed feelings for him and felt like i really knew him.

 

How do i control myself? I love dating and having fun with guys..but i always end up feeling hurt and used. I know i will probably get the typical response.."just control your hormones because you are only 18." But i think i need a little more insight..i feel like it goes deeper than that.

 

Help?

[rocio]

When you sleep with these guys, why do you do it? Do you feel like it will bring you closer to them? that they will like you more? Or do want to do it for your own reasons (ie: you're just horny).

 

As long as you're safe and you respect yourself at the end of the day, then don't worry about whether or not it works out with these guys. You're obviously an attractive girl who knows how to get guys' attention. If these guys changed their mind about you because you "gave it up too easily" then they're not worth having around anyway. What really matters is that you enjoy yourself, respect yourself, and stay clean.

[amtjrtcet]

I'm not the type of girl who can just sleep with someone, without feeling anything or getting attatched, either. I slept with a coworker of mine in october..and i thought we could hit it off. Nope. I slept with another coworker of mine last friday...and i thought that WE could hit it off because he has alot in common. Nope. I always go and sleep with the guys and then that ruins everything because i have learned that most guys arent going to want a relationship with a girl who "gave it up" so easily.

 

Help?

 

Life is all about learning lessons. We've all made some not so great decisions when it comes to choosing partners. Don't be down on yourself. If you want to change just make a change. Start fresh, and do it for you.

 

Many girls your age think that sex=love. I think you've seen the truth behind that.

 

Don't allow the attention or flattering comments or long phone conversations fool you. NOT ALL MEN, but at your age for the most part, they will say and do just about anything to get in your pants. So don't let them. You have control of this.

 

No regrets, just lessons learned.

[Biffy]

Well you're young and maybe a little naive.

 

Get a guy to prove his worth before you sex him.

[whatsthestory]

sounds like you need a british guy to show you the way!!,, only kidding...

 

it sounds like you are focussing on sex.. how do these guys leave you?,,, it sounds to me like you attract male slappers that like to brag about who and how many girls theyve had,, i bet theyve got a tick list on thier bedroom wall at home!

 

think before you leap, if you know what i mean

[Beec]

OK, the mistake you seem to be making is not waiting to sleep with a guy until he has really invested in a relationship with you. If the guy ahs put some real effort into becoming attached to you, so it's not just about sex, then he is more likely to stick around.

 

On the other hand, you may also have sexual urges, which are not abd or wrong. The sex may do you no good and get you in trouble, but the urges are fine if resisted.

[applepie]

I don't think there is anything wrong with your number, but if you feel this way about sleeping with that many people then there is a problem. It sounds to me like you're sleeping with them with the intent that they will like you because of it. This is a vital mistake. That doesn't mean it can't happen, it just means that it won't happen BECAUSE you sleep with them.

 

I've had 2 long term relationships come out of sleeping with someone very early on, and several short terms. I've also had several guys express interest in making it exclusive with me after sex when I wasn't interested. The thing is, I didn't really care one way or another. If they ran away and didn't want to speak to me again, then that's their problem, not mine. I don't hold the deep emotional connection to sex that so many women do. I feel an emotional connection with a personality is far more important.

 

That said, it seems to me like sex IS important to you. Because of this, I'd advise holding off until you're certain that you can be with the guy first. It sounds like this is destroying your self esteem and it's not worth it.

[sophie274]

Hey

 

I think it's pretty common (especially for younger girls - not stereotyping, just reporting my observations by the way) to have sex with guys that they believe will lead to a relationship, only for nothing to ever come of it.

 

If you are fine with casual sex, then by all means go for it! However, your post sounds makes it sound like you were disappointed relationships didn't happen out of these encounters, and that you find yourself regretting your behavior.

 

My advice would be to put yourself out of situations where you can have casual sex, and decide with yourself that you will wait longer to have sex with guys, and then stick to your decision. For example, don't be in a private home with a guy until you are sure you are ready to have sex with him and he is committed to you (if that is the standard you choose).

 

Don't have regrets about what happened - doing different things and maybe making mistakes are all part of growing up. Just choose what you want to do from now on!

[splashdown]

I think the important question is not why you sleep around, but why you feel, as you say, "disgusted with yourself". Sex is not, in and of itself, wrong and it's no reason for shame.

 

You did what you did. If you don't like doing it, then don't continue, but there's no reason at all to beat yourself up for it.

[sophie274]

Sarahmarie:

 

I think you can clearly see that lavalamp is in the minority here. While you may feel disgusted with yourself I am pretty sure that 7 is either average or not that far ahead of the curve. There are plenty of people your age who have had maybe 50 partners - you have nothing to feel embarrassed about!

[SaRaHmArIe8588]

Im not sure if its embarrassment i feel...i am very open about my sex life..but i just feel like i have a hard time saying no to guys who at the time seem attracted to me/interested in me. I think what i meant to say when i said i felt disgusted , was it disgusts me that i am obsessed with guys.

 

Does that make sense?

[sophie274]

^ at lavalamp's post

 

What's done is done. Guilt is not going to help. I believe the OP wants a way to move forward, not a way to torture herself at night.

[sophie274]

Im not sure if its embarrassment i feel...i am very open about my sex life..but i just feel like i have a hard time saying no to guys who at the time seem attracted to me/interested in me. I think what i meant to say when i said i felt disgusted , was it disgusts me that i am obsessed with guys.

 

Does that make sense?

 

Do you regret having sex with them?

 

Why do you think you are "obsessed with guys". Do you think you are looking to fill some "void"?

 

If you are noticing that not saying no is not working out for you, work on saying no. In my opinion, that starts with NOT putting yourself in a position where you can have sex with guys. Once you step back a bit maybe you can better evaluate your behavior and how it is making you feel, what message it is sending to guys, how comfortable you are with your behavior and that message, etc.

[splashdown]

Im not sure if its embarrassment i feel...i am very open about my sex life..but i just feel like i have a hard time saying no to guys who at the time seem attracted to me/interested in me. I think what i meant to say when i said i felt disgusted , was it disgusts me that i am obsessed with guys.

 

Does that make sense?

 

Totally. And probably another woman would be able to give better advice on how to effectively say no than crusty old me.

 

What I hate to see is people getting down on themselves for what they did in their past. From my own experience, all that does is lead to further poor decisions.

 

My only advice is, don't focus on what happened in the past and make yourself feel worthless, focus on what you can do to change the future.

 

End my two cents

[Night Pumpkin]

Gross !!! 50 guys !! Makes me happy i am still a virgin and never kissed a girl.....

 

to original poster: if you are unhappy having sex, stop having it. You are trying to fill a void in your life with sex, and you are still not satisfied. Take some time off relationships and sex, and find out what the real issue is that you have to deal with...

 

Sarahmarie:

 

I think you can clearly see that lavalamp is in the minority here. While you may feel disgusted with yourself I am pretty sure that 7 is either average or not that far ahead of the curve. There are plenty of people your age who have had maybe 50 partners - you have nothing to feel embarrassed about!

[applepie]

Gross !!! 50 guys !! Makes me happy i am still a virgin and never kissed a girl.....

 

to original poster: if you are unhappy having sex, stop having it. You are trying to fill a void in your life with sex, and you are still not satisfied. Take some time off relationships and sex, and find out what the real issue is that you have to deal with...

 

I'll tell you, it's not uncommon. One of my best friends is only 20 and she lost count long ago. She's just a normal girl (no baggage), but her drive is insatiable. I know there are a lot of others out there like that. They just don't talk about it, due to the constant negative responses. Plenty of girls lie about their number for whatever reason. I know girls who say they've only had 2, but in reality they've had over 20.

 

In the end, it doesn't really matter. I know there are lots of guys who do not care at all. Personally, I'd rather be with a guy who's had a bit of experience, as long as he's STD free. My current guy feels the same way.

[Steven1607307306]

I'll tell you, it's not uncommon. One of my best friends is only 20 and she lost count long ago. She's just a normal girl (no baggage), but her drive is insatiable. I know there are a lot of others out there like that. They just don't talk about it, due to the constant negative responses. Plenty of girls lie about their number for whatever reason. I know girls who say they've only had 2, but in reality they've had over 20.

 

In the end, it doesn't really matter. I know there are lots of guys who do not care at all. Personally, I'd rather be with a guy who's had a bit of experience, as long as he's STD free. My current guy feels the same way.

 

 

I've had sex with prolly 20-25 girls. I get tested regularly...I use a condom everytime.

I'm still 100% clean of STD's.

I just think that if I like it...it's not illegal, then why shouldn't I? Because someone thinks I'm gross? I could care less, I make it known to my significant other that I am VERY active, and I regularly test.

 

YOUR mistake is thinking guys are going to like you more because you have sex with them.

 

Giving it up so easy makes guys NOT want a relationship. I don't find it disrespectful to have a one night stand with a girl. If she wants to have sex before a relationship I think that she just wants a booty call, just like me.

[Steven1607307306]

Are you saying I think they will like me more, or were you referring to Saramarie? If you meant me, you're sorely mistaken. I just said that the two can coincide, but it's not always going to happen that way. As I said, I've had 2 long-term relationships where I had sex beforehand. No problems there. There was mutual sexual as well as an emotional connection. I would never have sex with someone out of a relationship assuming that I what I was doing was going to get them interested. It just happened to work out that way.

 

Understood?

 

Saramarie. I'd quote you If I was referring to you.

[applepie]

Saramarie. I'd quote you If I was referring to you.

 

Sorry, I thought you did quote me. Never mind then!

[SexySadie7]

Wow.. Steven, this is a very revealing post as to the workings of some mens minds, even rather sexually active ones.

"I've had sex with prolly 20-25 girls. I get tested regularly...I use a condom everytime.

I'm still 100% clean of STD's.

I just think that if I like it...it's not illegal, then why shouldn't I? Because someone thinks I'm gross? I could care less, I make it known to my significant other that I am VERY active, and I regularly test.

 

YOUR mistake is thinking guys are going to like you more because you have sex with them.

 

Giving it up so easy makes guys NOT want a relationship. I don't find it disrespectful to have a one night stand with a girl. If she wants to have sex before a relationship I think that she just wants a booty call, just like me."

 

Geez... if the guy who have sex alot don't want to have a relationship with a girl who sleeps with him very soon on, then what do guys who hardly have sex at all think?

 

Or is it just this age that has this mindset. You are, after all, only 18! I find that attitude a little outdated myself.

 

We all have needs and I've had quite a few happy long term relationships where we had sex early on.

 

It's surprising in this day and age of such sexual freedom, that women are still deemed to be "tramps" or "easy lays" by some men.

Geez. it's also confusing, cuz men are also pressuring us to have sex early on. If we don't we are betrayed as being mean or being teases.

 

Don't feel bad, Sarahmarie. I often do the same thing myself. And I've been rather disappointed also by the results lately of having sex early on.

 

I'll meet this guy I find really attractive and actually really like and just cannot seem to wait until we have sex! I don't know what to say to you. It's hard on us women that we get judged "non-girlfriend" material by guys if we have sex early, but the guys don't have to worry about such judgement calls.

It's hard to have a high sex drive too, cuz i hate doing without sex. It's frustrating and lonely and yeah, I suppose masturbation does the trick, but it's just not as emotionally satisfying as being in a man's arms, is it?

 

I'm not sure.. and what is the exact number of times you should have been with a guy before you are allowed to go to his house or apt?

 

IS there a set period of time that a typical guy expect to spend with a woman he would consider for a relationship? A few weeks, a few months, just what is the rules now?

 

I just find dating so highly confusing now, it's not funny.

[Steven1607307306]

Well I'm not saying all guys. I'm just making a general statement that sometimes people...just want to have sex. No strings attached. Not just guys...not just girls. A certain group of people that have simular beliefs (as far as sex goes) as me, like to have casual sex. It doesn't mean there won't be a relationship. If two people click then they click. There is no certain amount of time you have to date...whenever it's comfortable. Sorry for the musunderstanding...](*,)

 

As for you applepie...sorry I DID quote you...but that was just because what I had to say at first was related to your comment. Again sorry for the miscommunication. ](*,)

[SexySadie7]

Okay, Steven, I follow what you are saying.

But to me.. having casual sex with someone, especially someone who's very sexually active, would be a huge risk to me, not only healthwise, but also emotionally.

But what you are saying is really, just cuz the guy has sex with a girl, sure does NOT mean he's into having a relationship with that girl, no will it preclude him sleeping with other girls meanwhile.

See... to me.. i would never, ever want to be in a casual sex relationship with a guy who's sleeping with other girls. It's just too risky. Course everyone thinks differently about sex... so i guess some people are fine with idea.

I'd just worry about the STDs, pregnancy, getting your heart broke, etc.

You know...it's so weird.. why is it the girl who's labeled the crummy label for sleeping with someone so soon, but you would never hear a guy being labeled the same thing for the same behavior??

Something really screwed up about that mindset, imho.

[Steven1607307306]

Right that's how you perceive it. You are worried. That's probably a good thing. I get tested every 6 months, I've NEVER came back with ANY disease. I don't know if it's because I'm lucky, or because I'm wearing a condom everytime (Trojan rocks BY THE WAY), but I'm just glad I'm still clean. Some people don't worry about it...others do.

 

As for girls being trashy...I don't feel that way honestly. My GF right now had sex with me for two weeks before we even started TALKING to each other. Eventually we started talking and I said "Hey I kinda like her!"

It's not that I think their are too easy, it's just most of them I dont get to know before I lose touch with them. You can say the same for guys, some guys are totally controlled by girls and girls will use them and dump them out. Guys just don't have derrogatory names for that except...we call them a * * * * *...which is still...degrating women.

[SexySadie7]

okay.. forgive me for being noisy but how do you have sex with someone if you aren't talking to them yet?

Do you hold up signs saying, please take off your clothes for me? LOL

forgive me.. but that sounds funny, would you mind explaining?

 

And in concurrence with your other posts, it's good too you don't preclude having a relationship wiht someone you're having casual sex with, I guess.

[RogerRamjet]

IMO seven partners is not enough ! you should keep sleeping with men until you find the right one. Afterall, you're not going to be young forever, and 18 is a beautiful age.