How to tell if gf has a promiscuous past?

[JoeWho]

-shakes head-

 

3. Does she have a right to know how many times you have masterbated?

 

 

 

I think that every woman should know that for every guy, that number is far too high assign a value to. lol

[EvaGina]

seems to me that women in this threat are really annoyed by this question.

 

It is his business if he wants to move their relationship to the next stage.

It matters to the poster so i dont think anyone should say that it shouldnt matter.

 

The saying that women will divide by half and men will multiple by 2.

It is the sigma that a women are sluts is the sleep with many men and men are stubs if they sleep with many women.

Seems the Stigma is alive and well, because it is rude to ask a women how many men they screwed.

 

Its not rude to ask, but just ASSUMING she would lie, and instantly dumping her if it is over an allocated number, with no regard to her past... is evil.

 

He should just ask, she should tell him the truth. I have slept iwth MANY men, and if my bf asks, I will tell him.

 

The stigma is only alive becuase of "men" like this.

 

I think that every woman should know that for every guy, that number is far too high to be translated into numbers. lol

LOL... we know... we know...

[fnlyfrei]

I suppose if it is his business, and he did not want anyone's opinian...he wouldn't have posted the question on a public forum....he would have just asked her. Maybe...just maybe...in the back of his mind he knows asking is going to be a big issue....

 

A prostitute? Sure...if we were exclusive and he did that...but before I met him? None of my business.

[flower99]

seems to me that women in this threat are really annoyed by this question.

 

It is his business if he wants to move their relationship to the next stage.

It matters to the poster so i don't think anyone should say that it shouldn't matter.

The fact is, you will want to know if your potential S.O slept with a prostitute, so please don't give me this privacy BS about not needing to know.

 

 

I agree. This matters to the poster, whether is it matters to you or I, really shouldn't be discussed.

And no one should be telling him doesn't matter.

To each there own. If this is important to him, lets' help him. That's what this sight is here for.

I'd ask her, just say- I'm just curious, but how many have you been with? be upfront & honest with her, don't beat aroudn the bush & make it ackward.

And in all honesty, I've been asked this question a number of times & I answered honestly. And I have asked the question before too. If a person isn't comfortable answering, they can say that.

[EvaGina]

I agree. This matters to the poster, whether is it matters to you or I, really shouldn't be discussed.

And no one should be telling him doesn't matter.

To each there own. If this is important to him, lets' help him. That's what this sight is here for.

And in all honesty, I've been asked this question a number of times & I answered honestly. And I have asked the question before too. If a person isn't comfortable answering, they can say that.

 

But he doesnt want to ask her, he wants to be sneaky, becuase he doesnt trust her? What are we going to do? advocate diary reading?

 

If hes certain she is going to lie, what is he doing with her anyway?

 

(that women halve, men double thing is absolute bs, btw)

[splashdown]

I agree. This matters to the poster, whether is it matters to you or I, really shouldn't be discussed.

 

Posting on a public forum sort of implies an invitation for discussion. Clearly it matters to him, but that doesn't foreclose discussion or criticism, and questions about motive are (it seems to me) fair game.

[trash mail]

it is always an issue and always will be, Denying that simple fact doesnt make it go away. If you are going to have to keep secrets like that then your relationship will never be able to grow because at the back of your mind you will alway be thinking, "what if he find out i slept with the whole choir". You cannot build trust if you cannot give trust. If he cannot handle it that he has to move on, but if he is willing to try handle it, then it only strengthens a relationship. Otherwise, it would be pointless to have this relationship.

Trust isnt built on HIDING.

[flower99]

If hes certain she is going to lie, what is he doing with her anyway?

 

 

I do fully agree with this.

 

Poster ask yourself Why are you so sure she will lie? and why are you with someone who you are certain is a liar?

[trash mail]

Poster, there is a saying,

"Be careful of what you ask for, you might just get it"

Remember, it can go either way. Prepare yourself for both answer and the worst. Know what you are getting into before you ask.

If you know you cannot handle worst the answer, then maybe, it is better off not asking. It just comes down to...... HOw badly you want to know against how badly you DON'T want to know.

[flower99]

Posting on a public forum sort of implies an invitation for discussion. Clearly it matters to him, but that doesn't foreclose discussion or criticism, and questions about motive are (it seems to me) fair game.

 

I do agree with you about discussion & questioning motives..

I was referring to a few of the smart a** jokes that came accross like it was mocking his post.

(to me anyways and maybe the poster felt the same... maybe not though... )

[fnlyfrei]

Mocking his post? Having a different opinian isn't mocking someone. It is just a different opinian. And I believe he eluded to the fact that we females were ashamed of our pasts...and Michelleth and Amber just said that they were proud of their conquests. No one was hurt. It was equal fire.

[splashdown]

it is always an issue and always will be, Denying that simple fact doesnt make it go away. If you are going to have to keep secrets like that then your relationship will never be able to grow because at the back of your mind you will alway be thinking, "what if he find out i slept with the whole choir". You cannot build trust if you cannot give trust. If he cannot handle it that he has to move on, but if he is willing to try handle it, then it only strengthens a relationship. Otherwise, it would be pointless to have this relationship.

Trust isnt built on HIDING.

 

Errrr...this would be germane if the question were from his girlfriend: "How do I hide all my sleeping around from my BF?" But it isn't. He wants to know how to tell if his girlfriend has slept around (which, again, I'm not sure what he was expecting as an answer..."well, dude, just sneak into her vagina and measure her cervix...every millimeter = 10 boyfriends...").

 

Which, I mean, is a no-win question. There's no way for her to answer without risking him dumping her. What if the magic number is '0'. She has no way of knowing and just has to answer and trust that he isn't a psycho.

 

It's not the hiding that is the issue. It's that he feels the need to ask the question, and will base his decision to be with her on the answer.

 

Again, she's better off if he does dump her.

[trash mail]

Its not rude to ask, but just ASSUMING she would lie, and instantly dumping her if it is over an allocated number, with no regard to her past... is evil.

 

He should just ask, she should tell him the truth. I have slept iwth MANY men, and if my bf asks, I will tell him.

 

The stigma is only alive becuase of "men" like this.

 

 

LOL... we know... we know...

 

Actually, i don't think it is EVIL for him to dump her if she has passed his allocated limit of men. It is his prerogative. If he cannot handle it, then he cant handle it. This goes both ways.

 

The stigma lives not because of 'MEN' like this, the sigma lives because of women that feel their own pressure to HIDE the fact that they slept around AND not wanting to think less of themselves. Society is not only made of Men, it is of women too, and honestly, i think from where you are coming from, you are applying the pressure to yourself for thinking it is wrong to ask or to know.

[EvaGina]

Actually, i don't think it is EVIL for him to dump her if she has passed his allocated limit of men. It is his prerogative. If he cannot handle it, then he cant handle it. This goes both ways.

 

The sigma lives not because of 'MEN' like this, the sigma lives because of women that feel their own pressure to HIDE the fact that they slept around AND not wanting to think less of themselves. Society is not only made of Men, it is of women too, and honestly, i think from where you are coming from, you are applying the pressure to yourself for thinking it is wrong to ask or to know.

 

People dont like to be judged... I can totally see why a woman wouldnt want to tell someone her number if she was going to be unjustly repremanded for it.

 

The amount of people she has slept with doesnt affect ANYTHING except his perception of her... if she still treats him the same, then what is the problem. Imo, she is better off without him.

[applepie]

Actually, i don't think it is EVIL for him to dump her if she has passed his allocated limit of men. It is his prerogative. If he cannot handle it, then he cant handle it. This goes both ways.

 

The sigma lives not because of 'MEN' like this, the sigma lives because of women that feel their own pressure to HIDE the fact that they slept around AND not wanting to think less of themselves. Society is not only made of Men, it is of women too, and honestly, i think from where you are coming from, you are applying the pressure to yourself for thinking it is wrong to ask or to know.

 

haha, my mum used to drive a Sigma. It was a POS.

[trash mail]

Errrr...this would be germane if the question were from his girlfriend: "How do I hide all my sleeping around from my BF?" But it isn't. He wants to know how to tell if his girlfriend has slept around (which, again, I'm not sure what he was expecting as an answer..."well, dude, just sneak into her vagina and measure her cervix...every millimeter = 10 boyfriends...").

 

Hahahahaha.. Funny the measurement part.

 

 

Which, I mean, is a no-win question. There's no way for her to answer without risking him dumping her. What if the magic number is '0'. She has no way of knowing and just has to answer and trust that he isn't a psycho.

This is where i believe you are wrong, it can a WIN or a LOSE. If he chooses to handle the fact that she slept with many men then the relationship has grown stronger, because she will know that she can be HONEST with him and TRUST that he will handle things when they come along in the future.

But if he cant handle it, then she lost the relationship but she WON knowing that this guy is not someone that she can be honest with and trust that he will stick in there.

 

It's not the hiding that is the issue. It's that he feels the need to ask the question, and will base his decision to be with her on the answer.

What is wrong with that? Either he handles it or not. If he can't then it is better NOT to be with him.

[splashdown]

Actually, i don't think it is EVIL for him to dump her if she has passed his allocated limit of men. It is his prerogative. If he cannot handle it, then he cant handle it. This goes both ways.

 

This is true.

 

The sigma lives not because of 'MEN' like this, the sigma lives because of women that feel their own pressure to HIDE the fact that they slept around AND not wanting to think less of themselves. Society is not only made of Men, it is of women too, and honestly, i think from where you are coming from, you are applying the pressure to yourself for thinking it is wrong to ask or to know.

 

This is NOT true. It is not wrong to ask. But the fear of being labelled " * * * *" is part and parcel of the stigma existing. Without the stigma there would be no fear, QED.

 

And in the case of this question, the question itself is the stigma, since the question implies that there is a "correct" answer. Consider, how would the OP feel if she just simply declines to answer? Would he just go on with their relationship, happy not to know. Doubt it.

 

Trying to turn it around on women is blaming the victim (as though women are stigmatizing themselves).

[trash mail]

my question is.. why is i so hard to tell the truth to someone you love?

if you cant tell the truth, (the way it is), the it is better not to be in the relationship. Not because he asked, but because you cannot tell the truth and have the trust that he will try handle it and not be judgmental.

Why be in a relationship without the most 2 fundamental importance, TRUST and HONESTY. If you don't have both, you hve none.

[trash mail]

Trying to turn it around on women is blaming the victim (as though women are stigmatizing themselves).

Women are not victims in this so stop saying that women are 'victims', this is just BS. Women are stigmatizing themselves because when and if the question is asked they refuse to give an honest answer. This in itself is a stigma created that she carries within herself. Yes society has a part, but she has her part in it.

I have known women that would matter of fact say they slept with 30+ men and not blink an eye. They don't carry the stigma simply because they don;t play the victim. Get real, women are not 'victims'.

If you believe that women are victims then you allow yourself to be a victim.

[fnlyfrei]

I can see trust an honesty at the starting point of the relationship two people have....but to want to dredge up someones past so that you can point and judge? It is clear he will judge her on it. And waiting nearly a year...after a person has fallen in love with you seems very unfair. He said that he was sure she would lie about it. Where is the trust there? She seems to be in a no-win situation with him. Some of us females just put ourselves in her place....and we think HE was lacking in honesty about what was important to him..to wait this long to bring up a dealbreaker...and then to ask a question and already know you probably will not believe the answer...HE has no trust. As above in the vagina measuring comment...how could she win? Seems she cannot in this situation.

[trash mail]

Sometimes you have to risk. Love isnt guaranteed.

sometimes to move from one stage to another requires a risk. if refusing to take the risk you refuse to move to the next stage.

Building a relationship is challenging, the challenging bit is trust and honesty, if it cant go past this then the relationship stops here.

 

Again, i say again, it is not about Winning and Losing. it is about TRUST and honesty

[EvaGina]

Trying to turn it around on women is blaming the victim (as though women are stigmatizing themselves).

Women are not victims in this so stop saying that women are 'victims', this is just BS. Women are stigmatizing themselves because when and if the question is asked they refuse to give an honest answer. This in itself is a stigma created that she carries within herself. Yes society has a part, but she has her part in it.

I have known women that would matter of fact say they slept with 30+ men and not blink an eye. They don't carry the stigma simply because they don;t play the victim. Get real, women are not 'victims'.

If you believe that women are victims then you allow yourself to be a victim.

 

No one is saying they are victims, you are taking the comment FAR to literally... "blaming the victim" is a psychological process that absolves the one being shallow of blame.

 

they refuse to give an honest answer

LOL, how do you figure that? Do you ever actually ASK? do you sneak? or are you like the OP and refuse to believe that your partner may be telling the truth?

[fnlyfrei]

What is wrong with that? Either he handles it or not. If he can't then it is better NOT to be with him.

 

 

Yeah..he should just get it over with. Then they both can move on...either together or apart. But another question...if he asks every woman he dates...how can he be SURE they aren't lying? Hmmm...you know how women are....

[trash mail]

i have actually asked because i wanted to know the woman that i am with.

I dont want to know half the woman with half truths. It is pointless if it is full of halves.

I trust she is telling me the truth and she trust that i will handle it. I have done stupid things in my past, and i mean STUPID but i dont regret it because that is what shaped me to what i am today. If she cant handle that and if i cant handle her past then we had better move on.

[trash mail]

[/b]

What is wrong with that? Either he handles it or not. If he can't then it is better NOT to be with him.

 

Yeah..he should just get it over with. Then they both can move on...either together or apart. But another question...if he asks every woman he dates...how can he be SURE they aren't lying? Hmmm...you know how women are....

 

It's called TRUST. That is his problem, not ours and not has GF or future GF. Are yo putting a Stigma on yourself that you are a liar??