Question for step fathers/men helping to raise children that are not yours

[flower99]

Hi there, I have a question for any & all step fathers/men helping to raise children that are not yours.

I'm engaged to my best friend. We've been dating 2 years engaged for almost one year now. I have a 4 years old son, that he's been helping raise. My sons father is still in his life. He spends 2 nights a week there.

My fiancee is a good man, a wonderful influence in my sons life. My son adores him. He teaches my son the important things in life, respect, hard work, morals, love, careing, helping....while his actual father is the friend & only does what he knows best, video games. Which of course my son loves...that's fine.

My finacee tells me he hates that he has to be the father, the disciplinary, he wants to be the friend & feels thats how it should be. But because his father is the friend....he has the harder job. He's constantly battling with it. It hurts him when my son is excited to see his dad. Yesterday he told me he doesn't feel like my son his family to him.---That hurt. I'm confused....I don't feel right marrying someone who doesn't feel like my son is family. Is this normal what he's feeling? how do you get past this? How long will this last?

He also said that he no longer wants to have kids. We've been planning on getting marred & haveing a family....ect. but this is his second time changing his mind about kids.....I don't understand what's going on

Has any one been through this ???

[flower99]

thanks rodeo.

I totally agree there is more than enough room in my sons heart for both of them. but my finacee doesn't feel that way, he feels my son is always going to love one more than the other...I dont' agree but he doesnt' seem to see it the way we do.

 

Really your 2nd hubby said the same things???? And it worked out?? how long did it take? when will my son feel like family??

 

I do agree we all need to be on the same page, ex & hubby. But my ex, doesn't believe in disicipline. He says our son is only 4, he shouldn't be disiciplined. I believe you teach them now. So of course we do not agree when it comes to parenting. We have a wonderful son together, very well behaved, poliet & helpful. We've tried finding a same page, but when it comes to parenting, there is no same page with my ex. Our beliefs are far too different.

 

We all do get along. You're right there is a little jealousy (does that ever go away?) but he's been very understanding (he even let the ex live in our basement for a couple months when he had no home) I would love for us to be on the same page, but I don't think that will happen..I'm not sure how it would.

 

That is so comforting that your hubby said the same things thank you! How long till he felt better? when will my son feel like family to him???

[flower99]

I don't see how if you and your soon to be husband live under the same roof with your son, that your fiance can just be a friend.

 

He will have whatever relationship he WANTS with your son. It really is up to him.

 

You're so right!

[ImThatGirl]

Flower!!! I didn't realize you had a little one for some reason.

 

Quick question. Is it possible that you could be more of the disciplinary and your fiance could step in more on the "fun" times?

[flower99]

Flower!!! I didn't realize you had a little one for some reason.

 

I sure do...he's a wonderful little blessing (that's why your posts about the ex, seemed so familiar to me I hope you're still doing well)

Quick question. Is it possible that you could be more of the disciplinary and your fiance could step in more on the "fun" times?

 

That's how it used to be till we moved in together..well I was a single mom, so yeah that's how it was Than when we moved in together last year, we decieded he'd starts being more of a father. So it was time I let him do it & not limit him. (cause he really is a good man & father)

 

I am still fully involved, and at times I really do want him to just relax & have fun....but than when I suggest it, he feels that i'm questioning his parenting and thinks he's not good at it. He feels he's either fully involved in disicipline or not at all involved. And of course not at all isn't an option, and if I limit him, it makes him insecure about his skills to be a good father...I'm really struggling to find balance in this all.

 

Do you think he will he ever feel like my son is family??

[melrich]

I agree given your sons age that your fiance should be involved in "discipline". I also understand his issues with the "McDonald's Dad", that is hard to compete with.

 

But as another poster said, there is more than enough room in his life for two Dads.

[ImThatGirl]

Do you think he will he ever feel like my son is family??

 

I agree too that he should have a hand in discipline. I think the arrangements you have made are good!

 

 

I think that it's definitely possible that he will come around / come to feeling like your son is his son. But I'm a little concerned that this is all coming out now. You know?

 

Blended families are truly challenges. But challenges that can be overcome if everyone has the same goal and motivation / determination. I suggest though that the two of you work towards that starting now (as you're doing) and make sure that he's willing to before actually getting married.

 

And stories about blended families:

My dad (stepfather) and my mother got married when I was 7 years old. My mother had 4 children! My dad had none. He took us in as his own and has always been absolutely amazing. Were there fights/discussions about parenting? Definitely - my mom never rarely allowed him to have a say. But he was wonderful to us - taught us, loved us, influenced us, etc. etc. Couldn't have wished for a better dad!

 

A friend of mine...

Was dating a guy for a couple years / engaged for one. Moved into a house with him a few months ago. She has a 6 year old son. Then just got married. She and her husband (and her son) are having a very rough time of it. There were many things that maybe should have been ironed out before they got married. They are considering going to counseling.

 

You are a wonderful person! Have the two of you talked about it any further? I'm sorry for the pain you must have felt when he said that!

[flower99]

8 mos after we started living together. When she went to my 2nd hubby for a kiss for a boo boo, and not me. I would suggest that the new daddy give him his bath, read a story at bedtime, help with getting his dinner ready...and just spend time with him.

 

Be patient with your man, too. We sometimes assume guys are tough, when in reality they hurt just like us women, but don't show it all the time.

 

I have a very good feeling that at some point, their relationship will evolve to where your son GOES to step dad more than he does with you!

Thank you for sharing with me & helping me Rodeo. I really am thankful for it.

 

Really 8 month after living together...it's been a year of living together...now i'm really worried

My son does go to him, a lot. I see it all the time...but my finacee doesnt'. And that's my biggest problem...It's like he ignores the obvious & only see what confirms how he feels.

example. My son & I went out of town to my brothers for the long weekend. my fiancee had to stay & study for school. The night we came back & he was all over my finacee (he missed him) he kept asking " Let's do something, what can we do" I asked what we should do. Than my boy said. 'Jp & I are going to do something together, right. (as he looks at him) what should you & me do." He totally wanted to bond with his step dad. But my finacee, almost didn't even notice (I had to point it out). But 2 days later he went to see his dad & said...Yey I'm going to dad & that hurt him.

He didn't notice when it was him he missed & wanted to be with, but was hurt that he was happy to see his dad.

I thought it would be resolved by now... my ex & finacee get along well. They do have a friendship. we go out for supper together every month or so. But within my finacee, he's really struggling & battleing with this. It's been 2 years....will he ever get past this?

Of course there are no wedding plans right now...I'm getting really confused, this is all making me question things now.

[flower99]

I agree too that he should have a hand in discipline. I think the arrangements you have made are good!

 

 

I think that it's definitely possible that he will come around / come to feeling like your son is his son. But I'm a little concerned that this is all coming out now. You know?

 

Me too!!!! I'm lost on this one. We've been engaged a year, and haven't even begun to plan a wedding. I never really understood why I hadn't started...but now I think we've both been sub consciously putting off this wedding because of this. I'm so confused & I feel like I'm almost starting to feel resentment towards him because of this. I totally thought, maybe was hoping, this was out of the way..but in my heart knew it wasn't. He's wonderful, he's kind, helpful, intellegent, excellent morals, very respectful, independent,loving..ect..everything. EXCEPT, he doesn't feel my son is his & cant' get over the ex being my boys dad.

 

What can I do? I can't marry him till i KNOW this is cleared. But how long do I wait?

 

 

Blended families are truly challenges. But challenges that can be overcome if everyone has the same goal and motivation / determination. I suggest though that the two of you work towards that starting now (as you're doing) and make sure that he's willing to before actually getting married.

 

And stories about blended families:

My dad (stepfather) and my mother got married when I was 7 years old. My mother had 4 children! My dad had none. He took us in as his own and has always been absolutely amazing. Were there fights/discussions about parenting? Definitely - my mom never rarely allowed him to have a say. But he was wonderful to us - taught us, loved us, influenced us, etc. etc. Couldn't have wished for a better dad!

 

That's wonderful, he sounds like a wonderful man (: was your bio dad in the pictures at all????

 

You are a wonderful person! Have the two of you talked about it any further? I'm sorry for the pain you must have felt when he said that!

 

Thank you hun.

No we haven't talked about it again. It seems like nothing changes each time we talk about it. That was the first time he said my son didn't feel like family..but we've been through the ex issue a hundred and ten time. And I'm honestly starting to lose my patience..so I'm leaving it alone, so I don't freak on him or something.

I love him, he's a good man. I know i shouldn't be losing my patience, I do understand were he's coming from, but how much longer? I'm really confused & I just don't know what to say anymore. or what I can do. So I'm hopeing time will work this out

but how much time do I give it? another year? what if time doesnt'?

[ImThatGirl]

Whew... Okay - the thing that bothers me is that he's been comfy being in the picture as a father figure for this long but now all the sudden, he says it's a problem.

 

Secondly, I've seen first hand - men that are absolutely wonderful but shake off a child begging to play or have attention paid to them. It just bothers me. I don't expect him to feel like his dad or act like his dad but he should interact with him and often. No wonder your son treats him differently than his dad.

 

Children have huge hearts with unlimited space. They love anyone that treats them well and cares for them and cares to interact with them. I'm concerned that he is addressing the problem as he is - as though the fact that your son doesn't look at him like he does his dad.

 

I'm concerned that your fiance just doesn't have room in his heart.? I'm concerned that he makes these comments. What does he do to become closer to your son? What does he do to build the bridges?

 

I don't think it's a good idea for you to "continuously" wait around to see if this changes. (Others may have other opinions.) I worry that you will wait around forever and he will one day say "I do not want more kids and I cannot be a father to your son." Not to get you worrying but I think that somehow this needs to be resolved. What do you think? The only reason I'm thinking along these lines is because my friend that just got married - now realizes that if this one issue is not fixed, her marriage will not last. She just got married beginning of February.

[flower99]

I don't know what I think.

He plays the part, does it all (not all cause no ones perfect, but does a Lot) He takes him for sled rides, teaches him french, table manners, how to use tools, gives him baths, wrestels..ect....but it seems like his heart doesn't feel it...well I thought it did, but now i know it didn't. know he loves my son, but by feel 'it' i mean the family, the closeness.

My son treats him wonderful...i think the same as his father, but my finacee, doesn't see it....he only sees what he wants to see.I think because of his insecurities, regarding the ex being in the picture. But he knew he'd always be there. But somehow, he expected it to be different. And he's he's not accepting it as it is.

I don't know what to think. I don't know how much longer I can hope things work out....I know i can't continouslly wait, because of exactly what you said. If he's unsure now, his mind could change later & I know i can't marry someone with that piece of doubt in my mind. And honestly I think he's the kind of guy that would stay Even if he's unhappy (he's stick it out cause he loves me & it's the 'right' things)...and I don't want that.

I want someone that is sure he wants to be in this. And is happy doing this & can accept things the way they are. (regarding the ex)

I don't know what I'm thinking....I'm thinking i just want to cry, but i'm at work & can't.....I just want him to know what he wants...he says he knows he loves me & knows he wants to be with me...but I know I come with baggage that he may be unable to handle.

I feel like it might just work out it self out....but my head is saying if it hasn't yet it won't. ..this might be the beginning of the end.

[mrmaximum]

I know that you have talked to him and maybe he just needs to sort out some things on his own, however for this to come out of nowhere like this isn't really kosher. He needs to see that your son wants to be around him and he isn't realizing this. I know that it can be hard dealing with children that aren't yours (my ex girlfriend has three kids and my fiancee has two) so I speak from experience when I tell you that it can be tough sometimes on him. He will care for your son as best as he can (I would suggest that you get him at a time when your son is at your ex's and then take him to a place where he can relax and then tell him what he is missing, your son wanting to be with him.) What he has to stop doing is competing with his father(in essense trying to BE his father or the #1 father), that is a fight he can never win, he needs to be a father-figure, the step dad, the one that comes to his sports games, watches his school plays and gives him a high five when he gets good grades. Believe me I know from experience who kids can trust and who has their back. Don't force the issue, some mothers think that if they do this that they are actually helping the situation, this isn't fair to your son or your fiancee. As for him loving your son like his own, this is somewhat presumptious to expect. He and your son will have a loving relationship that will grow in time of it's own accord. Sort out this situation and have him find his feelings but you are right to sort this out before you get married, that will only compound the issue.

 

Good Luck and God Bless

[flower99]

Thank you so much for your words Mr.Maximun. I really appreciate it,you were the first stepfather to reply!

 

(I would suggest that you get him at a time when your son is at your ex's and then take him to a place where he can relax and then tell him what he is missing, your son wanting to be with him.)

question. I have already done this a few times...but i feel like it falls on deaf ears.. do you think I should do it again? I don't want to push it...I was hoping this would come naturally.

 

What he has to stop doing is competing with his father(in essense trying to BE his father or the #1 father), that is a fight he can never win, he needs to be a father-figure, the step dad, the one that comes to his sports games, watches his school plays and gives him a high five when he gets good grades. Believe me I know from experience who kids can trust and who has their back. Don't force the issue, some mothers think that if they do this that they are actually helping the situation, this isn't fair to your son or your fiancee. As for him loving your son like his own, this is somewhat presumptious to expect. He and your son will have a loving relationship that will grow in time of it's own accord. Sort out this situation and have him find his feelings but you are right to sort this out before you get married, that will only compound the issue.

 

Good Luck and God Bless

 

I do agree.

Ahhh...so it is presumptious of me to expect he loves him like his own...I was wondering that, whether i was just asking to much...or what. is it presumptious to expect my son to feel like family to him? Will that come with time? cause when we do get married, we would be family...and i was hoping i wasn't the only one who feels it.

thanks you again for your post

[jdtx]

I have some input on this. My gf has two kids from her ex. I have none. Traditionally I've avoided "chicks with kids", not because I would have to play-daddy (well at first that was a reason). But here's the thing. I want kids. I want MY OWN kids. On the premise that a woman will likely only want a maximum of x-number of kids, however many kids she already has is that many less that I will get to have. Fortunately, after much talking over time, we concluded that that shouldn't be a problem for us because she wouldn't mind having a large family anyway. I didn't especially want a huge family, but I figured it would be alright to have a family that's a couple kids more than my original plan.

 

So ok, "we" have a couple kids alright. That's fine and great. Unfortunately, their dad is still in the picture, ..when he can be bothered to see them at least. And of course they treat him like a celebrity when they see him. He is obviously going to be the "fun" dad. I admit I get defensive and feel threatened when he comes around and receives that treatment. I work so hard to BE a dad to them, to treat them as my own. He has done nothing for them other than knock up my woman and get them the occasional toy. I feel he does not even deserve the title of "daddy", but he can never lose it. No matter how worthless he is, his position is a given. It took a long time for them to start calling me daddy too, but they still call me by my name a lot too. They will never call him by just his name. Honestly, that fact pisses me off. I want him out of the picture. I consider his kids to be mine. I don't like that they can show up at any time and take them, because he's real and I guess I'm just a substitute pretender. Only time will tell how things work out though, and I can only hope their ultimately loyalty will be with me.

 

On another note, my gf is pregnant with my first kid, with a couple more months to go. I'm in too deep now. Even if I were to change my mind and decide I wanted out, ...it's too late, I'm in for the long haul now. Even without this pregnancy though, I've been in too deep for a long time, since they started calling me daddy and possibly before. I feel like I will never be able to replace him. I will never defeat the shadow he left on this family. But all I can do is keep trying.

 

You see, I have a real problem with raising kids that aren't mine. It's simply not fair to me. However, if I can accept them as mine and consider them as my own, then they are as far as I'm concerned, and they are treated as such. But as generous as I can be, there are some things I really really don't want to share. I don't want to share my gf. I don't want to share OUR kids, and I don't want to share the title I've earned with someone who is little more than a sperm doner. I have to be honest. It is harder for me to think of them as mine, the more reminders there are that they aren't. The more I see of him and his family, the more I'm reminded of this. The more those people stay away and they call me daddy, the more I feel I am.

[flower99]

Wow thank you Jdtx, you really sound like my finance. That's crazy! in a good way....because you said a lot of the same things he says..but differently..but clearer to me.

Congratulations on the baby!

how long have you been with your gf? do you regret your decision at all, I mean because it's incredibly difficult... if you could turn back would you?every time the ex is around...it kills you inside, do you think it will that always be there? have you found a way to lessen the pain?

 

I totally get that its' not fair to you men, it sucks....cause I do feel guilty for creating this mess, I know everything happens for a reason. And Believe me I cherish my son & forever grateful for him. but i wish i had done it in the right order. So there won't be so much pain. But seriously men like you & my finance & Mr.maximum & every other man who takes on these responsibilities are hard to find & are truly Amazing Men!

Your family is lucky to have you & the children will know & love you for all you have done & they will see that it was YOU that was there everyday for them.

[jdtx]

Well so much of this comes down to "wait and see". I really don't know how things will turn out in the long run. All I can do is continue to be a wise and loving patriarch to the kids, and mommy's other half. And maybe 5 or 10 years from now we'll see what's what. I have no idea if things will get easier or if I have enough fortitude to stick it out, but I sure intend to in any case. I can say this though. It IS "easier" to have their dad and his family out of the picture as much as possible. They seriously complicate things the more involved they get, and quite frankly they are all a major conflict of my interests. HE is the "anti-me", and as such, his family is also contrary to mine. Him, I personally hate. His family is a little more likable, but still complicate things no less.

 

My family is perfectly accepting of the kids. They are welcome in my family as though they were my own. I accept them as my own, and so too does my family. My mom loves the kids; they're her first grandkids in a sense. She's especially thrilled about the little on the way, the first "real" grandkid. Anyway, as long as it's just us, her family, and my family, it all works well. No awkwardness or anything. It's all great. But when we spend time with their dad or his family (such as holidays, kids b-days, etc), ...well it's not exactly the most enjoyable time for me. When the kids ditch me to run off with their dad I feel pretty low. Then when they talk about him for days after, it keeps that feeling alive. When they talk about their aunt and uncles and grandma from his family, it's not as bad but still annoying.

 

I know it's not really fair or realistic to expect that family to just disappear. But really, I don't care. I care about my family and my interests, not them and theirs. Things would be so much simpler and easier if it was just us - minus them (and especially him). But I know that will never happen so it's just one of any number of things I just have to get used to. Maybe I'll never get used to it, maybe I will, maybe I already have. But I know I'll never like it in any case.

 

I will never be "buddy-buddy" with my unmotivated and undeserving counterpart. I see him as an enemy and my goal is to defeat him, to phase him out from out life as much as I can manage. I don't like the fact that he had this family and my gf first. But I have them now, and unlike him, I'm motivated enough to keep them. They're my family now. My woman and our kids. But I can never be truly secure in that can I? She loved him and gave him two kids. I do not take that lightly. I loath his very existence. I don't think I'll ever stop seeing him as a threat, no matter how pathetic he may seem.

 

The kids pretty much understand who their dad is, especially the older one. He has done nothing to deserve their love and loyalty, but because of what he did with mommy, it's just a given. I don't think I'll ever be able to be to them what he is, no matter how hard I try, just because I didn't have mommy first. Sometimes I feel like I'm playing a game that I lost by default before I even got started, and maybe I'm just too dumb to realize or admit it.

 

Sometimes I do regret getting myself into this situation. I'm not sure my life would be in any spectacular place by now otherwise, but there have certainly been times when I wished I'd never met her (really, there's only one time I specifically wished that, after our worst fight), when I wish I had been smarter than to get involved with a single mom. It's not like I didn't know better. There is a bit of a stigma against it, and largely for good reason. Honestly, I would not recommend this path to most guys, possibly not even myself. But it's too late for me so I have to make the best of it. For a young guy thinking about it though, I would probably tell him it was not a good idea, or that he should be ready for a lot of agony and complications if he proceeded (unless the ex and his family were totally out of the picture. That would simplify things greatly).

 

On the other hand though, I can no longer imagine life without her or our family. I technically have just about everything I always wanted, though not necessarily in the way I would have preferred. I wanted a family and now I have one, and to top it off, I even have a kid of my own on the way. Aside from a dramatically better job, I guess I've gotten what I wanted out of life. I should be happy and consider myself lucky. I just could really do without a lot of the strings that came with this deal.

[mrmaximum]

Thank you for the kind words Flower, it helps to have a sweet woman who treats you well and appreciates what you do for them and their kids. It's obvious that you are this way and your child and hubby are lucky to have you, dare I say it!! Okay, this may be a book but I think you guys need to hear this. In fact Flower, get your hubby and have him read this too. Jdtx, Flower’s hubby, the biggest challenge that you are going to have to face is the fact that you are competing with the fathers of these kids. Guys, it’s a fight that you will never win, it’s like getting into a tug of war with an aircraft carrier, I don’t care how strong you are or tough you are, you is gonna lose!! Stop trying to be THE father and be you! It’s all that you can do. Trust me when I say that kids, no matter how young, will know who to go to when they need someone, they know who they can count on for real!!! Flower, Jdtx, you guys said yourselves that the exes are the ‘fun and or crap’ fathers, don’t make the mistake that the kids don’t know this either, they know that better than you, you can see it in their behavior. Yes kids say they would love to have a life with no rules, they say that but they never really mean it. If you discipline, it shows that you care, yeah?

Jdtx, your ‘opponent’ sounds just like my fiancée’s ex and my ex-girlfriend’s ex. Not the best people to be sure (actually the fiancée’s ex is serving a jail sentence right now) but he is still 'daddy' and they still jump for joy when he calls (collect don’t you know). It was my soon to be wife who told me this; They know who’s got their back, they know that when I say I’m going to do something that I will do it, whereas their dad cannot be trusted farther than I can throw the pentagon!!

Guys, from the sounds of it this will take time, but stop fighting a battle that you are doomed to fail. Look at the relationship that you can have, not the one that you would prefer to have if you had been in so in so’s place instead of the place you are now. Remember the old prayer;

 

God give me the Strength to change the things that I can

The Serenity to accept the things that I cannot

And the Wisdom to know the difference.

 

You can change the relationship that you have with your little ones, making it one where they feel loved and accepted but you can’t be their father. Be you, be an example and they will love you now, and they will absolutely be head over heels for you later!! You are their step fathers, that's not a bad thing you know!! Jdtx, you sound like a very special person, if this sort of thing is bothering you then it’s obvious that your heart is in the right place. Do yourself a favor and just focus on the things that you have power over, it will cause less stress in the long run too, not only that, your soon to be born child (congratulations by the way, that’s awesome!!) will benefit from it aswell. Flower, your hubby sounds like a good man for this to be bothering him, he just has to realize that it shouldn’t. Listen gang, I’ve been there and done that, my xgf had an ex that was the father of two of her kids and he never paid support and almost never dropped by to see them. It kind of bothered me at first when he came over and they dropped whatever they where doing and jumped all over him and such, and then I realized that there was nothing that I could do about it. Jdtx is right in saying that if he was gonzo, life would be a lot better, but he isn’t so I had to deal. As time went on, I realized that they cared for me in their own way and not only that. I WAS THE MAN IN THEIR LIFE.

I hope you guys realize what that means. YOU’RE THERE, YOU’RE THE STARTER, AND YOU’RE THE FIRST STRING!! The ‘father’ is nothing but a backup, a reprieve, see what I mean? I’m not saying that in a negative way, I just mean that you are the primary, that’s what I mean by stop fighting with him; the truth is that you don’t need too!! YOU’RE ALREADY NUMBER ONE. They wake up to you, what more can you ask for? There can be only one ‘Daddy’ to be sure, but there is only one you and I hope you guys realize this!! I mean when I say that kids know who has their back and who doesn’t, watch them, especially you Jdtx, watch the kids when they get off the phone with their Dad. If he’s like my fiancée’s ex he would promise the moon and the stars and after a while when they caught on that it was just lies, it would go through one ear and out the other, you can see it on their faces.

Guys, that is all I wanted to say, you are already number one, that is all you can ask for. I hope I got through to you guys, your kids need you and it doesn't help anyone for you to be hurting like this. I hope that you stop torturing yourselves with this war that you can't win, because no matter what you do, you can't win, ever.

 

Good Luck and God Bless

[flower99]

Thank you so much.....your words are soooo true. I pray he will take them to heart.

I'll find a way to show him this....not sure how... direct always works (:

Thank you, thank you, thank you!

You've all have been a blessing

[flower99]

Hi guys, I don't know if any of you will see this. But I just wanted to say. This last week has improved SOOO much. I hope it lasts.

I've been gone a lot more, i had to witness in a court case which meant 2 days at the court hours. So that has given the guys time lots of time to hang out. And my son has been clinging to him & he SEES it.

I can see in his face how happy he is, and it makes me soo happy that he finally is seeing it.

This morning, after we dropped my boy off at the sitter, he turned to me & said, did you get 2 hugs??? I said nope, just the one. His face lit up, with the biggest smile and he said.."I did" It was so cute. He's feeling specail like he should.

[yokeydokey]

He teaches my son the important things in life, respect, hard work, morals, love, careing, helping....

 

This is great, but I hope you didn't select this guy based on his ability to provide this for your child, since parenting your son is your responsibility first and foremost. My SO has a 13 year old son who I spend a lot of time with, but I made it clear with her and him early that I had no intention of trying to be a substitute father since he has a father already. I certainly do try to be a good role model for him, I do provide guidance and even some times a bit of correction for him, I play sports with him, help him with his schoolwork, and on and on, but I ain't his dad and never will be. I hope eventually your son's real father will grow up and shoulder his mantle of responsibility, but in the meantime your boyfriend can't do it all for him. Don't you put so much pressure on him or you'll darn sure run him off.

[mrmaximum]

Hi guys, I don't know if any of you will see this. But I just wanted to say. This last week has improved SOOO much. I hope it lasts.

I've been gone a lot more, i had to witness in a court case which meant 2 days at the court hours. So that has given the guys time lots of time to hang out. And my son has been clinging to him & he SEES it.

I can see in his face how happy he is, and it makes me soo happy that he finally is seeing it.

This morning, after we dropped my boy off at the sitter, he turned to me & said, did you get 2 hugs??? I said nope, just the one. His face lit up, with the biggest smile and he said.."I did" It was so cute. He's feeling specail like he should.

 

So glad to hear that, that's awesome that things are going better, I pray things improve for Jdtx too. Godspeed!!

[jdtx]

I hope eventually your son's real father will grow up and shoulder his mantle of responsibility

In my situation, that's exactly the opposite of what I want to happen. I would prefer that none of us ever see bio-dad again. It's hard enough running into people she's been intimate with (which has already happened more than I'm comfortable with), but this guy is the worst of all. He's the one who knocked her up and, very likely, reduced the number of kids I myself will be "allowed" to have. To hell with him. I honestly can not express enough how much of a problem I have with this guy. I wish he would cease to exist. The last thing I need is for him to "step up" and be around more.

 

but in the meantime your boyfriend can't do it all for him. Don't you put so much pressure on him or you'll darn sure run him off.

Why "can"t" he do it all ..if he's willing? Assuming attachment to bio-dad isn't TOO ingrained, why can't he be effectively replaced? Why can't a new guy take over those fatherly responsibilities? Obviously one should not be pressured into it, but if a guy is willing to do it (and let's face it, most are too selfish or smart), what's the problem? I refuse to believe that it will never be able to replace my kids' bio-dad. I have every intention of phasing him out from my family in every way I can manage.

 

I can not accept that this person is of such great standing in our lives as to be greater-than or equal to me. HE is not unbeatable and this situation is not unwinnable. It has always been hard to not feel like I'm the automatic loser here. Maybe it's the dignity and pride I try to convince myself I deserve. Maybe I'm just a foolish dreamer. In any case, this is not a situation in which I will concede "my place", accepting that my family and our future will always be tainted by his legacy.

 

I've said before that I've never been crazy about the idea of raising kids that weren't mine. It's not exactly ever been a goal in my life, in fact it's something I had specifically wanted to avoid. But then here I am, and it's fine. But THE REASON it's fine is because I found I had the capacity to see them as my own kids (something I always assumed I couldn't, or wouldn't want to, do). If I had not been able, or not willing, to convince myself that they're mine, I would not have been able to do this. I came into this situation with a handicap I didn't really feel I deserved but I tried to make the best of it anyway.

 

It could be brought up that "I knew she had kids when we met. I didn't HAVE TO date her". True. But here's the thing. Honestly, I did lower my standards. There are so many things that used to be dealbreakers, that I accepted for this relationship. I admit I've never really been a ladies man. I never had much luck/game with that. Pretty much a long series of self-esteem crushing rejection and failure.

 

I finally concluded that my standards must be too high for my own good. So then I meet this girl with two kids. Something that definitely used to be a dealbreaker. But I said what the hell, go for it, maybe things will work out. Well, it did work out in more ways than I ever would have imagined. We had a lot more in common, more compatibility, than I could have hoped for. There was just the matter of the kids, and then some more dealbreaker-surprises that came out later. But by then I was in deep already and found myself ..still willing to throw out my old standards and accept things.

 

I've had to do and accept so much for the sake of this relationship; I think I've earned the right to be happy, to finally have the kind of life and family that I always wanted. I can accept that I'm not an alpha-male kind of guy, but I'm not ready to accept that, as such, I'm unworthy of happiness or dignity. It can be hard to feel dignified when I'm reminded that I'm not raising my own offspring, but instead picking up someone else's "leftovers" ..like I wasn't good enough to to have my own (or have my own before someone else had already been there and done that).

 

Now that I am finally going to have one of my own, I expect things to get easier. Well most things will be more stressful of course, but the topic of dignity should be much improved. She has talked about getting "fixed" after the baby though, and I'm not cool with that. I was always afraid pre-existing kids would screw me out of my own reproductive potential (in other words, say she wants a max of 3. since she already had two, that's two less that I get to have).

 

I went into this relationship with the understanding that this would not be the case, that she liked the idea of a big family and would be happy to have more with me. Now she's talking about stopping after this one, effectively shutting me down right after I got started. I'm not ok with his kids outnumbering mine. I'm not ok with the fact that she so easily gave him two, but I get less. I will just plainly say that I expect from her NO LESS than what she has given .."other people". There is only so much screwing-of-me that I can forgive, and that plate has seemed full for quite a while. Of course I wouldn't leave her over it, but I'd always resent her.

 

Sorry if I hijacked the thread.

[mrmaximum]

Jdtx, looks like you and your SO have a lot of talking to do. From the sounds of it you have very good lines of communication and that is amazing, as I got older it was then that I realized how important communication is. One more thing that I will say is that even though she may have kids from someone else and even someone that didn't deserve it, she sounds like a good woman and good people are very hard to find in this day and age. Like I said before you have to find your own place or your own identity as a father figure in the lives of those children and that can and will take some time and effort. The onlt thing that seems to stand out is your belief that you can win the unwinnable. If bio-dad was gone, you could do it, he won't leave and that is the truth that you must face. I fear that you are running a race that you have no hope (and I mean NO HOPE) of winning. I realize that it helps you in the short term to deal but in the long term it will drag you down and possibly burn you out, maybe even affect your relationships with your girl and her kids. Unfortunately this is the burden step parents must bear, and at times it can be an even more thankless job than being a biological parent, all the responsibilities with none of the credit. It was just this past year that the kids gave me some recognition on father's day, for the previous two years I got a thanks for coming out.

I hope you realize just how strong you are and how lucky those kids are that they have a real man in their lives. It will take time but your heart is in the right place and things will improve.

 

Good Luck and God Bless