Big Blow Ups... every 2 months??!

[MissTee]

My boyfriend and I live together.

 

We both have full time jobs and earn good money and live good lives. We don't have money issues or trust issues. We basically do everything together...

 

I've found that we are very compatible and have joint goals and plans and are very much in love BUT once every couple of months we have a HUGE fight.

 

It's like we are going along perfectly and a little thing I do will piss him off (or the other way around) and we BLOW UP. The most recent one was just over this past weekend.

 

We went to a friend's barbeque together and he drove so I had a few glasses of wine and got a bit tipsy. As soon as we got in the car to go home, he was angry with me because he thought I was being "selfish". We had a massive fight and I ended up packing my bags and almost leaving.

 

This same thing happened a couple of months ago...

 

I'm like, we go together so well but I don't want to pack my bags every couple of months.

 

My boyfriend is extremely sensitive. Almost Hypersensitive... definitely more than i am. He gets very upset sometimes because he thinks that I say really insensitive things and that I have "attitude". He is very very very picky and seems to pick me apart. I'm a pretty resilient person and usually I will just brush it off but sometimes I just can't take it any more... And every time we have a fight he always says to me "if you don't want to be here or with me, you know where the door is". This also makes me very upset becasue it's just totally uncalled for.

 

Last night we sat down and worked it out and I said to him he's got to try and stop being so picky and senisitive to EVERYTHING I say.

 

Is it because we hardly ever fight, that when we do it blows up because we aren't used to it?

[shikashika]

MissTee..

 

I think every guy I've been with is ubersensitive... even my brothers guy friends and my dad are.. I find that with some of my boyfriends... I feel like I was walking on a little eggshell around them..

 

have to be so careful not to damage the little male ego sometimes

 

Every couple fights... I'm sure you know that.

 

Did he say why he thought you were acting selfish?

 

Were you getting more attention at this BBQ than he was?

 

Was he jealous for any reason?

 

i think that comment about "You know where the door is"... is incredibly conceited... to me.. thats a pretty self-inflated ego. Is he trying to give you a way out? something he's too chicken to do?

[Dako]

The old saw about relationships being work is no joke.

One thing that I found useful was talking about disagreements and communications when you're both in a good mood.

 

Many couples only discuss their feelings about tension and conflict during or immediately after a tiff, when nerves are raw.

If you each get pissed about a recurring trait, you need to each take constructive criticism without drama, and both actually do the hard thing and change that behavior. If you really want to be together, compomise is needed, not blame.

[DN]

When you said to him that he has to stop being so sensitive to everything you say did you also undertake to take a little more care to make sure that what you say isn't insensitive?

[MissTee]

That's exactly what I feel like sometimes! On eggshells...

 

While we were at the bbq, a girl brought up the subject of PMS. I said that my boyfriend gets sympathy PMS with me and we binge eat together and are usually both emotional around that time. He said later that I shouldn't have said that in front of his mates because it was embarrasing and I was "insensitive" by saying it. But no one even cared... everyone was laughing! Not at him but everyone was inputting into the conversation and laughing at the different comments. He also said that I was "selfish" by drinking when we was driving. I only had 4 glasses of wine! I was tipsy at best...

 

Last night when we sorted it out, I said to him to never ever say that to me ever again "you know where the door is" and if he wants me to leave to grow some balls, be a man and just say it.

 

He says that he only says that because he thinks that I want to leave.

 

Again... Hyper sensitive. ](*,)

[MissTee]

When you said to him that he has to stop being so sensitive to everything you say did you also undertake to take a little more care to make sure that what you say isn't insensitive?

 

 

Yeeeeesss I did think about my own actions and i promised to think before I speak more (taking into consideration that he is so sensitive)...

[DN]

Last night when we sorted it out, I said to him to never ever say that to me ever again "you know where the door is" and if he wants me to leave to grow some balls, be a man and just say it.

 

Well, I guess that kind of answers my previous question. Is that how you speak to him generally?

[Dako]

Maybe the packed bags were a clue that you may leave.

[shikashika]

even though I agree with you ... it didn't sound like anything that he should be offended about... sometimes we just can't understand why our boyf/girlf gets offended at things we find funny.

 

I'm guessing his 'you're selfish' remark was nothing to do with you drinking 4 glasses of wine, but to do with the pms-ing together convo.. and he just wanted to put you down and make you feel little, because in HIS mind, he felt little when you said that.

 

Have you asked him why he thinks you want to leave?

 

I can see why he thinks that if you pack your bags after every argument.

Of course, he probably doesn't want to appear like you have all the control... so by him saying that... its like he has a part of the 'leaving' process as well.

[MissTee]

Well, I guess that kind of answers my previous question. Is that how you speak to him generally?

 

lol Of course not! I only spoke like that BECAUSE he hurt me so much by saying what he said and we were fighting.

 

I would never usually use that kind of langauge.

 

He's also got a really bad habit of calling me names when we fight. He's promised to stop doing that aswell.

[MissTee]

even though I agree with you ... it didn't sound like anything that he should be offended about... sometimes we just can't understand why our boyf/girlf gets offended at things we find funny.

 

I'm guessing his 'you're selfish' remark was nothing to do with you drinking 4 glasses of wine, but to do with the pms-ing together convo.. and he just wanted to put you down and make you feel little, because in HIS mind, he felt little when you said that.

 

Have you asked him why he thinks you want to leave?

 

I can see why he thinks that if you pack your bags after every argument.

Of course, he probably doesn't want to appear like you have all the control... so by him saying that... its like he has a part of the 'leaving' process as well.

 

Totally agree. He always says to me that he is "the boss" in the relationship. I don't think he likes it when I grab the reins.

[justpaisley]

Giant blowups are almost always a sign of a complete lack of communication skills, or the lack of a desire to communicate.

 

Try using "feelings" words. Saying "I'm hurt when you tell me to hit the door" would be a whole lot more effective than questioning the steel content of his balls. For him, saying "I was angry that you drank, I would have liked to" would have been a lot more effective than sniping about you being selfish.

 

Putting someone on the defense immediately basically ensures you'll have a big blow up. Calling any names, or saying things that you know will hurt the other person's feelings, are recipes for disaster.

[shikashika]

Totally agree. He always says to me that he is "the boss" in the relationship. I don't think he likes it when I grab the reins.

 

Is he joking when he says this?

 

Does he say this when you two are on good terms, in a good mood.. or does this kind of comment only come out are argument time.

 

That would make me furious if anyone told me that he was the 'boss' in the relationship

 

Does he ever say this in defense to something you've said?

[ScreenagerX]

I'm going to go out on a limb here. I think there is personally more to it than you first may think. I think the fact that your BF can go from "going along perfectly" to "a little thing I do will piss him off (or the other way around) and we BLOW UP" at the drop of a hat.

 

Plus :

And every time we have a fight he always says to me "if you don't want to be here or with me, you know where the door is". This also makes me very upset becasue it's just totally uncalled for.

 

Makes it sound to me like he is testing you, trying to almost make you make the first move & leave. It almost sounds like he is trying to create conflict to get a reaction.

 

Whatever it is (I don't really want to speculate & worry you) but I think there may be a bigger picture here. Perhaps you need to broach this with him & straight up ask. Personally I think "hypersensitive" has nothing to do with it.

 

But then maybe I'm reading it all wrong.......................

[MissTee]

Is he joking when he says this?

 

Does he say this when you two are on good terms, in a good mood.. or does this kind of comment only come out are argument time.

 

That would make me furious if anyone told me that he was the 'boss' in the relationship

 

Does he ever say this in defense to something you've said?

 

No he usually says it when we argue. And when I says back to him "No you're not" he will say "OH YES I AM"

 

I'm going to go out on a limb here. I think there is personally more to it than you first may think. I think the fact that your BF can go from "going along perfectly" to "a little thing I do will piss him off (or the other way around) and we BLOW UP" at the drop of a hat.

 

Makes it sound to me like he is testing you, trying to almost make you make the first move & leave. It almost sounds like he is trying to create conflict to get a reaction.

 

Whatever it is (I don't really want to speculate & worry you) but I think there may be a bigger picture here. Perhaps you need to broach this with him & straight up ask. Personally I think "hypersensitive" has nothing to do with it.

 

But then maybe I'm reading it all wrong.......................

 

I think he says it to get a reaction aswell. But it's more like he's testing me to see "how much" I love him. When he says that I always go straight and pack my bags.

 

Now that I think about it.... I'm going to ask him straight up if he even wants me there.

[MissTee]

Giant blowups are almost always a sign of a complete lack of communication skills, or the lack of a desire to communicate.

 

Yup. But we communicate fine usually... which is why we hardly ever fight.

 

But then once very couple of month we do blow up.

 

The more I listen to myself type... the more I'm questioning this whole thing!

[shikashika]

yeah the "I'm the boss.. no you're not.. yes I am.. no you're not..." sounds to me like there is a deeper issue there.

 

I'm no relationship expert but I'm guessing you are have a strong, independent personality.. and he may feel threatened like that.. and by saying he's the boss.. he knows it makes you very angry.

[MissTee]

Ok... I'm going to have a chat to him tonight. Will let you know how it goes!

[TheRedQueen]

Makes it sound to me like he is testing you, trying to almost make you make the first move & leave. It almost sounds like he is trying to create conflict to get a reaction.

B-I-N-G-O!!!!

 

These conflicts I believe are instigated by a sub-consciously perceived power struggle, i.e. he sees you act independently, he then questions his role in the relationship, fears that he fulfills an inadequate role, is momentarily flooded with insecurity, and then intoxicated by it, which then leads him to perceive your independence as a product of your "insensitivity", or brutal "defiance", which leads him to full throttle combat mode, where he views you as a potential predator (after all, you don't need him, and can thereforeeee run away with his broken heart).

[MissTee]

B-I-N-G-O!!!!

 

These conflicts I believe are instigated by a sub-consciously perceived power struggle, i.e. he sees you act independently, he then questions his role in the relationship, fears that he fulfills an inadequate role, is momentarily flooded with insecurity, and then intoxicated by it, which then leads him to perceive your independence as a product of your "insensitivity", or brutal "defiance", which leads him to full throttle combat mode, where he views you as a potential predator (after all, you don't need him, and can thereforeeee run away with his broken heart).

 

Wow.

 

Sounds like speak from experience??

 

This is very interesting...

[MissTee]

My big question is... How do I stop this????

[puppy]

Maybe it is the alcohol?

[TheRedQueen]

Wow.

 

Sounds like speak from experience??

Perhaps I am projecting a bit, but this is what tends to happen between me and my SO. (We have a great relationship as well, but every couple of months or so, a fight emerges, very similar to the one you've described.)

[TheRedQueen]

My big question is... How do I stop this????

I haven't a clue, but I too would love to find out.

[MissTee]

Well it's comforting to know that I'm not alone in the world!