Emotional Infidelity

[Scout]

So, I'm wondering if one can cheat without any physical contact?

 

This question does seem to leave open a discussion about what does/doesn't constitute cheating.

 

And I believe that there are instances of non-physical cheating. For example, if I had a partner who spent considerable time confiding in another woman every day, and went out with her at least once a week, I would certainly feel "cheated" - cheated out of emotional intimacy that could be used for the betterment of our own relationship. I would definitely feel cheated out of the energy and effort he was putting into this "friendship" with another woman.

[Batya33]

That's assuming there is a finite amount of "emotional energy" I'm not so sure of that. In the case you described, I might be jealous or insecure, but I would deal with it on that level not as emotional "cheating." It would depend if I was available on that evening, if they had dated before, if she were interested in him, if she respected me and my relationship with my boyfriend, etc.

[Girlygirl2007]

So, I'm wondering if one can cheat without any physical contact? For instance, if your partner is talking to another person (of the other sex if hetero) everyday for an hour about intimate things (i.e. work problems, emotional issues, relationship problems), going out 1-2 times a week with this person for 4-5 hours (i.e., shopping, movies, dinner, pub, antiqueing, etc. ). is this cheating. What if you tell your partner you feel uncomfortable with the growing depth of this relationship-is this posessive? What if your partner tells you, "I understand your concerns, by you have nothing to worry about he/she is married." What if your partner is increasing spending less time with you to be with the other person? Is this cause for concern?

 

It IS Cause for concern! I am married, got close to a coworker, and came very close to breaking my marital vows because of this relationship. Thankfully, it ended (it was painful), but the fact that I am married didn't seem to be what did us in. If they are spending that much time together, it is a very real possibility it can develop into something else.

[doyathink]

This is my take on the subject...

 

Emotional cheating is an emotional AFFAIR! An affair that has everything in the mix for a relationship...without having sex! Who shares secrets.... reviews weekend plans with.... go out for drinks with ....these type of things.....

 

A definition of emotional infidelity is a friendship between members of the opposite sex that have 3 traits to be infidelity: emotional intimacy that is greater than in the marriage, sexual tension, and secrecy.

 

 

Friendship becomes a problem when it becomes a replacement for a marriage

or takes place outside a marriage. If you put the majority of your emotions in the hands of someone other than your spouse, you're still shortchanging your spouse.

[radioheader]

well said doyathink!!! You are on the mark!

[langford]

I couldnt care less if my boyfriend had forty million girl friends,my ex boyf had a best friend [a girl] who was in love with him and it didnt bother me in the least.

 

When the best friend spilled to my boyf how much she loved him in a letter and why was he with me,he told her he preferred me because i wasnt clingy or demanding.

 

I think too much possesiveness or anxiety about his faithfulness can make a guy want to run off with someone else.

 

If your boyfriend is going to cheat he is going to cheat wether its with his friend or with some stranger.You can't control what people are going to do.

[confused_Man]

Emotional infidelity is definitely a danger to a relationship....

case in point:

My ex-fiance had a friend whom she became fairly close to. Initially it was a good thing, we lived in separate cities, and it gave her someone to do things with. Well, it wasn't long before this 'friend' started telling my ex about sexual dreams which included her, and how close they felt to her. She did tell me about this initially, and I asked her how she felt about it, she indicated she felt awkward about it, so I didn't think much about it. Well, more and more my ex was doing more and more with this friend, so much so that even when I would go to see her, she would have other plans, or avoid me to have more time to spend with her friend....It was at this point that I really started to question the relationship with this friend. The tensions would quickly rise because...it was just a friend...Oh and did I mention that it was a female friend? She would tell me that it would be different if it were a guy, I'd have a right to be upset, but it wasn't a guy so she couldn't understand why I was so bothered...I figured the next step was to try to meet the friend, my ex had invited her to a cookout, but the friend hadn't shown up, so I encouraged my ex to please call her and encourage her to come and join in the fun. I honestly felt that some tensions could be relieved by just meeting...well, the friend turned that into me just wanting to meet for the wrong reasons, and that it was more about me wanting to demonstrate my "macho" authority than to actually give her a chance...It was pretty much all down hill from there, the engagement came after this, but lasted only a month. During the engagement, my ex even asked me not to stay with her because her friend was staying with her to babysit while my ex worked...then I was asked not to stay because the friend had moved in.....

 

I honestly won't make any guesses as to whether there was a physical attraction / infidelity because I don't think there was, and have no reason to believe otherwise. BUT, I had no way to discuss this so that my ex didn't turn it against me saying the friendship was OK because it was same sex, she didn't understand that the relationship undermined our relationship by removing her desire to continue to confide in me...

 

Anyway, the point is, if you're not sharing emotionally with the one you're with (spouse, BF, GF, significant other) then you're undermining the relationship, unintentionally as it may be. I think the main point is that it's not so much the act of having a close friend that is the problem, but the emotional withdrwal that the wrong friendships cause in your relationship...

[Batya33]

"I think the main point is that it's not so much the act of having a close friend that is the problem, but the emotional withdrwal that the wrong friendships cause in your relationship..."

 

 

I don't think any other relationship "causes" withdrawal - the person chooses to withdraw and that is the problem - the third person who is the friend didn't cause anything and looking at it that way is flawed in my experience.

 

Of course choosing to withdraw emotionally is not healthy for a romantic relationship, but it's a chicken/egg thing where in my opinion what comes first is a dissatisfaction with the relationship that then leads to finding someone else to fill the emotional void. I don't consider that "cheating" unless there is also sexual contact but if the person is behaving badly in the main relationship, that can be a problem with little or no relevance to the third person's role.

[SummerGirl38]

Everything you have described is emotional infidelity to me. Emotional cheating to me is taking time away from your current relationship and putting into a friendship/relationship with another of the opposite sex. There is that bonding, that time invested in the other when it should be occurring with the person he/she is currently with. And if hurts the others person, it is also cheating in my opinion.

 

Yes, I agree 110%, next thing you know they're bunkin up.

[midnightrambler]

So, I'm wondering if one can cheat without any physical contact? For instance, if your partner is talking to another person (of the other sex if hetero) everyday for an hour about intimate things (i.e. work problems, emotional issues, relationship problems), going out 1-2 times a week with this person for 4-5 hours (i.e., shopping, movies, dinner, pub, antiqueing, etc. ). is this cheating. What if you tell your partner you feel uncomfortable with the growing depth of this relationship-is this posessive? What if your partner tells you, "I understand your concerns, by you have nothing to worry about he/she is married." What if your partner is increasing spending less time with you to be with the other person? Is this cause for concern?

 

is cyber sex or phone sex cheating?

[Batya33]

It's not technically adultery - or cheating depending on how you define it - but it is inconsistent with exclusivity and inappropriate.

[confused_Man]

"...but if the person is behaving badly in the main relationship, that can be a problem with little or no relevance to the third person's role."

 

I understand where you're coming from. For most friendships, I agree, that 3rd party has no relevance, however, when the 3rd party is jealous of the time spent with the relationship partner, then they are a very relevant part. They add to the emotional withdrwal by causing the person to feel they are violating the friendship. It's a fine line, there are definitely cases I wouldn't worry about, but it's that one where the 3rd party suddenly has a voice in the current relationship that's the problem. By all means if the person having the friendship with the 3rd party is seeking out a safe place because the relationship is a bad one (abusive), then the person should seek help. But in a normal everyday relationship, a 3rd party should have no voice in the relationship. Why hide things? If it's a good friendship, the significant other will understand that.

 

Emotional infidelity is cheating in my opinion, not because it happened to me, but because of what a romantic relationship is, it's not just sexual monogamy, it's a trust and confidence relationship. If you don't trust the person you're with, if you don't feel you can confide in them, and you don't tell them that, and you seek out that trust / confidant somewhere else while leading the one you're with to believe everything is ok, you're cheating on them plain and simple. If you're in a relationship things like that need to be out in the open, not hidden behind the guise of "friendship." I'm not saying they should necessarily stay in the relationship if they can't confide, but at least be honest about it, bring it out in the open and just end the relationship, don't play both sides of it.

 

I've been on all sides of it, I've emotionally invested with others and withdrawn from a relationship, I've been the 3rd party, and I've been the significant other who's lost their partner due to the emotional withdraw. On all sides of it, there is some responsibility. As the friend, if you truly value your friendship and it is a good friend, wouldn't you encourage the person to either work things out with their partner or at a minimum be honest with their partner? If for no other reason than your compassion for your friend? If you're the partner and your significant other is withdrawing, don't you have a responsibility to address it and get it out in the open? And if you're the one withdrawing, don't you have the responsibility to relate to your partner that you don't feel you trust them?

 

So you say that no sexual contact means no cheating and that the 3rd party has no relevance...then what's the line that makes sexual contact cheating? Does the 3rd party have relevance there? As much as we don't want it to be the same, it is. The person is doing something outside of their relationship that should be part of the relationship, not the friendship.

 

I appreciate the opposing view, I guess in some way I'm trying to work through it all in my own head, and opposing views are always helpful when trying to work out your own conclusions.

 

Just my $1.50

[Batya33]

To me it's semantics as far as "what is cheating." and I maintain that a third peson cannot come between a couple unless one or both of the couple choose that to happen.

 

It is a relationship of trust and confidence - certainly - but to me cheating and adultery is limited to sexual contact with another person (and I would include going on a date with someone else and touching his/her arm because once on a date, the intention is to be romantic). I find it inflammatory to refer to emotional involvements as "cheating" because to me the person is trying to rely on volatile labels instead of discussing the real issue. If my boyfriend started spending more time with a female friend than with me (where I was available), I would find that inappropriate and disrespectful to me and to the relationship, and I might end the relationship but I wouldn't call him a cheater (a jerk maybe, but not a cheater).

[confused_Man]

I understand, and agree, it is semantics. One could also wonder what constitutes a date...I think other than the semantics we are in "violent" agreement.

 

Thanks for your opinions!

[Batya33]

To me a date is when a man or woman asks out someone of the opposite sex with a romantic intention, whether that is communicated to the other person or not. It's not a date if the man or woman makes plans for a meal with someone of the opposite sex, or to meet for coffee or go to a movie with no romantic intentions and where that is clearly communicated to the other person (or assumed based on the circumstances and the platonic friendship). When my bf and I reconnected after many years, he and I met for dinner as friends. He had a girlfriend who was out of town. We had no romantic intentions and he was not cheating.