confused_Man

I understand, and agree, it is semantics. One could also wonder what constitutes a date...I think other than the semantics we are in "violent" agreement. Thanks for your opinions!

"...but if the person is behaving badly in the main relationship, that can be a problem with little or no relevance to the third person's role." I understand where you're coming from. For most friendships, I agree, that 3rd party has no relevance, however, when the 3rd party is jealous of the time spent with the relationship partner, then they are a very relevant part. They add to the emotional withdrwal by causing the person to feel they are violating the friendship. It's a fine line, there are definitely cases I wouldn't worry about, but it's that one where the 3rd party suddenly has a voice in the current relationship that's the problem. By all means if the person having the friendship with the 3rd party is seeking out a safe place because the relationship is a bad one (abusive), then the person should seek help. But in a normal everyday relationship, a 3rd party should have no voice in the relationship. Why hide things? If it's a good friendship, the significant other will understand that. Emotional infidelity is cheating in my opinion, not because it happened to me, but because of what a romantic relationship is, it's not just sexual monogamy, it's a trust and confidence relationship. If you don't trust the person you're with, if you don't feel you can confide in them, and you don't tell them that, and you seek out that trust / confidant somewhere else while leading the one you're with to believe everything is ok, you're cheating on them plain and simple. If you're in a relationship things like that need to be out in the open, not hidden behind the guise of "friendship." I'm not saying they should necessarily stay in the relationship if they can't confide, but at least be honest about it, bring it out in the open and just end the relationship, don't play both sides of it. I've been on all sides of it, I've emotionally invested with others and withdrawn from a relationship, I've been the 3rd party, and I've been the significant other who's lost their partner due to the emotional withdraw. On all sides of it, there is some responsibility. As the friend, if you truly value your friendship and it is a good friend, wouldn't you encourage the person to either work things out with their partner or at a minimum be honest with their partner? If for no other reason than your compassion for your friend? If you're the partner and your significant other is withdrawing, don't you have a responsibility to address it and get it out in the open? And if you're the one withdrawing, don't you have the responsibility to relate to your partner that you don't feel you trust them? So you say that no sexual contact means no cheating and that the 3rd party has no relevance...then what's the line that makes sexual contact cheating? Does the 3rd party have relevance there? As much as we don't want it to be the same, it is. The person is doing something outside of their relationship that should be part of the relationship, not the friendship. I appreciate the opposing view, I guess in some way I'm trying to work through it all in my own head, and opposing views are always helpful when trying to work out your own conclusions. Just my $1.50

Emotional infidelity is definitely a danger to a relationship.... case in point: My ex-fiance had a friend whom she became fairly close to. Initially it was a good thing, we lived in separate cities, and it gave her someone to do things with. Well, it wasn't long before this 'friend' started telling my ex about sexual dreams which included her, and how close they felt to her. She did tell me about this initially, and I asked her how she felt about it, she indicated she felt awkward about it, so I didn't think much about it. Well, more and more my ex was doing more and more with this friend, so much so that even when I would go to see her, she would have other plans, or avoid me to have more time to spend with her friend....It was at this point that I really started to question the relationship with this friend. The tensions would quickly rise because...it was just a friend...Oh and did I mention that it was a female friend? She would tell me that it would be different if it were a guy, I'd have a right to be upset, but it wasn't a guy so she couldn't understand why I was so bothered...I figured the next step was to try to meet the friend, my ex had invited her to a cookout, but the friend hadn't shown up, so I encouraged my ex to please call her and encourage her to come and join in the fun. I honestly felt that some tensions could be relieved by just meeting...well, the friend turned that into me just wanting to meet for the wrong reasons, and that it was more about me wanting to demonstrate my "macho" authority than to actually give her a chance...It was pretty much all down hill from there, the engagement came after this, but lasted only a month. During the engagement, my ex even asked me not to stay with her because her friend was staying with her to babysit while my ex worked...then I was asked not to stay because the friend had moved in..... I honestly won't make any guesses as to whether there was a physical attraction / infidelity because I don't think there was, and have no reason to believe otherwise. BUT, I had no way to discuss this so that my ex didn't turn it against me saying the friendship was OK because it was same sex, she didn't understand that the relationship undermined our relationship by removing her desire to continue to confide in me... Anyway, the point is, if you're not sharing emotionally with the one you're with (spouse, BF, GF, significant other) then you're undermining the relationship, unintentionally as it may be. I think the main point is that it's not so much the act of having a close friend that is the problem, but the emotional withdrwal that the wrong friendships cause in your relationship...