Girls going for jerks rather than the guys who like them !

[Leonhart]

yeah, where did 'player' come into this? a jerk is a jerk. attractive or not. there are good looking guys out there that aren't jerks. i'm a mommas boy and i'm attractive. so there you go.

 

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The proof is in the pudding. Let me see your pic. lol

[ghost69]

sorry, i don't post myself on the internet.

 

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[Leonhart]

Why not? Even I've done it! Much to my dismay.

[ghost69]

not my forte. i have nothing to prove. this is getting off subject though.

[Leonhart]

You're right. No sleep makes the brain do funny things.

 

As for women going for jerks, some do and some don't. It depends on the woman. Some like jerks, most don't. The ones who do, it's their loss. To the majority who don't, they like... well, I don't really know WHAT they like lol, but I assume it is NOT jerks. Probably something along the lines of the way the guy carries himself, maybe his looks, maybe his attitude, but not the fact that he is going to hurt her. No one likes to be hurt, unless they're a... what's the word for it? Starts with m? Anyway, most people don't enjoy being hurt and would gladly choose the sweet, nice guy over the jerk, as long as they are ATTRACTED to him in the first place.

[Altruist]

I think its the aura of mystery and power that a jerk exude that women find so attractive. The nice guy is kind and gentle , like a 'warm puppy' as Batya would put it. Women find the lack of prospects of adventure with nice guys disconcerting and thereforeeee dismiss them altogether. Of course they may occasionally use the nice guy's should to whine about "how the jerk is treating me".

[ghost69]

you must be balanced. don't be so soft you look like a marshmallow or so hard you look like a statue. if you are the nice guy, maybe you will end up with some easy going woman that doesn't like to do much and just wants to have a bf. most woman like jerks because they aren't being controlled. most nice guys can be controlled easy and are not a challenge for most women.

[Batya33]

I think its the aura of mystery and power that a jerk exude that women find so attractive. The nice guy is kind and gentle , like a 'warm puppy' as Batya would put it. Women find the lack of prospects of adventure with nice guys disconcerting and thereforeeee dismiss them altogether. Of course they may occasionally use the nice guy's should to whine about "how the jerk is treating me".

 

I don't agree that a nice guy - the way I define it - is like a warm puppy. It seems that others define nice guy as someone who is more on the passive side. I define that a a guy who is passive and that is not necesarily nice.

[Altruist]

I don't agree that a nice guy - the way I define it - is like a warm puppy. It seems that others define nice guy as someone who is more on the passive side. I define that a a guy who is passive and that is not necesarily nice.

 

The description just stuck in my mind from one of your posts a few days ago.

[afrodite79]

You're right. No sleep makes the brain do funny things.

 

As for women going for jerks, some do and some don't. It depends on the woman. Some like jerks, most don't. The ones who do, it's their loss. To the majority who don't, they like... well, I don't really know WHAT they like lol, but I assume it is NOT jerks. Probably something along the lines of the way the guy carries himself, maybe his looks, maybe his attitude, but not the fact that he is going to hurt her. No one likes to be hurt, unless they're a... what's the word for it? Starts with m? Anyway, most people don't enjoy being hurt and would gladly choose the sweet, nice guy over the jerk, as long as they are ATTRACTED to him in the first place.

 

I think masochist is the word you're looking for.

I agree with you. I think that most girls if they had the choice of two guys interested in them they'd pick the nice sweet guy. A lot of jerks hide who they are and their true personaity doesn't come out until later. Some are really manipulative. I've been with jerks but they didn't come off as jerks when i first met them. It wasn't like "Wow this guy is a total a**h***. That is sooooooo hot."

 

The whole girls don't like nice guys thing is crap. I have guy friends who are really truly good people but they are just shy when it comes to asking girls out. All but one of them have a girlfriend now. Then there are guys who are "nice guys" who talk about how nice they are and how girls only date jerks. After my ex I steer clear of guys who talk about how girls don't like them because they're nice. Like my ex, some of those guys think they're nice just because they aren't physically abusive, don't cheat and pay for dates. They're usually abusive in other ways that they don't see as abuse because they aren't hitting you. I

 

've met so called nice guys who feel entitled to any woman they want just because they feel like they're nice and a great catch. One guy pulled that nice guy crap on me and told me that i was stupid for not wanting him becuase he was such a great catch. Some are angry and talk about how girls don't like them because they're nice but they're really mad because the really hot girls aren't into them. My friend feels the same way about this and she stopped talking to a guy who kept referring to himself as "a nice guy".

 

A agree that a guy who is way too passive sucks. I'd need a guy who was really nice, sweet guy but had a little pinch of jerk in him to enjoy my sarcasm.

[RogerRamjet]

Afrodite

 

Conservative men do not say to women, I am a good catch, or, I am nice. I think the point of the question was that conservative men miss out in favour of the type of people you described, who are not deterred by rejection or the impact they may have on others.

[Batya33]

Afrodite

 

Conservative men do not say to women, I am a good catch, or, I am nice. I think the point of the question was that conservative men miss out in favour of the type of people you described, who are not deterred by rejection or the impact they may have on others.

 

My boyfriend is conservative, reserved, when we first dated many years ago, painfully shy (not anymore) and he pursued me - with a great risk of rejection since we worked for the same company the first time around. Makes no difference if the man is as you describe - if he is that into a woman, he will do the risk-benefit analysis just the same as anyone.

[ghost69]

most true nice guys do finish last. nice guys are passive and do whatever the woman wants. women need a guy that is telling them what to do sometimes. i'm not saying do the dishes wash the sheets crap. i'm saying, "we are going out to xx for dinner." no chance for her to say yes or no. but going where she wants to go sometimes is balanced. it's not jerky.

[Batya33]

I am nice and certainly not passive. I am nice because I treat other people with respect and am in general warm, friendly and approachable. I am friendly appropriate to the situation - and that includes how well I know the person, how that person is treating me, etc. I don't think passive people are nice - because often their passivity doesn't come from a motivation to be nice but simply from a place of insecurity, wanting to please people no matter what, etc - often that "niceness" is fake and that's not nice at all. Often that niceness comes from repressing true feelings only to explode later. That's not nice either.

 

What I find nice in a guy is someone who has a backbone, is reasonably assertive and is unafraid to give an opinion, express a preference, express limits when he thinks what I have said is out of line or insensitive. If he won't do that then I won't feel comfortable expressing my opinions, preferences or boundaries and that's just not going to work for me.

 

I know women who prefer men they can control and who lack a backbone. Sometimes they describe that man as "nice" as in "he treats me so well." They have a different definition of good treatment (yes man) than I do (see above) That is not a relationship I would want for myself - even in a friendship, with a man or a woman I wouldn't want that dynamic. But, to each her own.

[RogerRamjet]

My boyfriend is conservative, reserved, when we first dated many years ago, painfully shy (not anymore) and he pursued me - with a great risk of rejection since we worked for the same company the first time around. Makes no difference if the man is as you describe - if he is that into a woman, he will do the risk-benefit analysis just the same as anyone.

 

Very good point Bayta I agree completely that the man should do the formal asking out, and start the initial conversation. But the female can invite the males attention in ways such as , smiling, and body language, walking close to the man to make it easier !

 

I am a little jaded atm but I have some female friends. What I notice about them, is they go out to pick up boys, but they don't go to where the boys are, they wait for the boys to come to them. The trend I am noticing is that women literally expect a man to do all of the work.

 

I think the woman should be initiating the contact by sending signals to a man she is interested in, that way, if he is uninterested no one loses face. He simply will not respond to the signals. However for a man to make a move he has to put himself on the line and can easily lose self confidence when rejected.

 

Problem is, when I do the risk benefit analysis, i'm mostly just not that into her to want to put myself on the line unless I am confident she wants me. I think a lot of guys feel the same way, I know my mates do.

 

If a man is anything short of extremely extroverted he will likely will not have the energy/confidence/desire to approach a women if he is not atleast fairly sure she is interested. This applies to the jerk situation because they jerk will approach women en mass, maybe everyong should be doing that, but I simply do not have the patience or the energy to deal with the ridiculous ammounts of lead ons, rejections, drunken pick ups where the woman loses her * * * *, and hazy next day phone calls, the woman clearly wonders why she gave me her number, not to mention a few BAD dates. So I sit around drinking with my mates, and wait for a singal that will never come. May'd as well go on an integalactic search for intelligent life.

[Batya33]

Many shy introverted men have approached me and asked me out for a date over my 20 plus years of dating.

 

I agree that women need to be warm, friendly, approachable and show interest.

[ghost69]

i think a lot of women find jerks to be strong minded; when actually a strong minded man is one that can take care of a woman respectfully, but still voice their own opinion, etc.

[Batya33]

I find jerks to be insecure - they "act" strong minded but they're really not deep down.

[ghost69]

true. but a lot of women are with one.

[Biffy]

true. but a lot of women are with one.

 

Good thing too, that makes them unnavailable.

 

Who wants to be with a girl that wants to be with a jerk anyway?

[Dating Coach]

Man.... this whol "women likes jerks" thing is sooooooooooo tired. Do you honestly believe that a woman thinks to herself, "Well on one hand I have John, who treats me like crap, and on the other hand I have Chris, who treats me with respect... I'll go with John."? Seriously now...

 

The problem here is that a lot of frustrated guys make this assumption based upon their very very limited understanding of what is really taking place.

 

The threadstarter is an example. He assumes that women only want jerks but don't want a guy who really likes them. I'm not saying this as an attack, I'm explaining the flaws here. This is a completely clueless assumption.

 

First off, if you meet a girl out at a bar or club, how are you a guy who "really likes her" anyway? You don't even know her. I think what you are really saying is that you're a guy who is interested in more than you instant gratification, ie-not a guy just looking to use a girl to park his car. If this is the case, how do you know that the guy picking her up is only out for sex? Did he say so? You're likely assuming here. Why? Because he approached her confidently, showed interest in her?

 

The problem with sitting back and doing nothing is that you are not making your intentions clear. A woman is not going to look at you sitting in the back of the room and realize that out of every guy there, you're the one interested in getting to know her better for a possible relationship. You have to DO SOMETHING to make that impression. Getting mad at guys who do something while you don't is a destructive attitude. It helps you in no way at all.

 

Girls aren't attracted to guys who are looking to use them and ditch them. They aren't attracted to guys who want to treat them badly. Girls are attracted to guys who respect themselves and have the confidence to pursue things that they want. They are attracted to guys who can confidently introduce themselves and carry on a conversation without making it awkward or weird... ie making the conversation fun.

 

What is fun? Flirting, teasing, joking, making light conversation, etc. Flirting and joking might be making off the wall comments or jokes teasing the girl about something. Such as jokingly saying, "Hey I like your hair! It kinda reminds me of what happens when you stick your finger in a light socket!!"

 

If you sit back in your corner longing to meet the girl yourself and you hear this, you might jealously say to yourself, "What a jerk! He jsut made funof her and she likes it! * * *?" but then you'd be missing the entire point. Having a confident teasing or flirty conversation like that is a lot more attractive and fun to a girl than having some guy walk up and have very little to say, awkward pauses, showing no confidence, etc.

 

It has nothing to do with "intentions" because it's very difficult to look at someone and know their intentions unless they have no tract at all (which happens-you see this guy get laughed at and dismissed often). It has to do with the impression you make. If your impression when you introduce yourself is low confidence, shaky conversation, awkward pauses, etc, then you are not going to be scoring as many points as someone who confidently introduces themselves and has a fun and easy conversation.

 

It has nothing to do with "Jerk" and "Nice Guy". It has to do with CHEMISTRY. If you are having that much trouble then instead of blaming women, try looking inward and learning. I suggest you read the first two links in my signiture. There is a lot of information there that can help you figure out that dating process and how to present yourself. Good luck, hope this helps.

[ghost69]

there is no clear cut definition. i'm just saying most women don't go for jerks, most women are in relationships with one. why this happens i do not know. but it seems there is a lot of complaining these days about a woman's bf/husband. a lot of it is there fault for dealing with this crap. not that some chick meets a jerk and is like, ooooh, i want to date him. i'm sure they seem nice at first. but then down the road they realize the guy is a jerk, but still stay with them.

[SexySadie7]

diggitydogg... you said that very eloquently I think. Women are NOT attracted to jerks!

However, if the guy is definitely showing he is interested in HER, why not find that flattering?

But... and here's the big thing here males, women are NOT mind-readers. Just cuz you are sitting in the corner quietly does not mean we know you are interested in US.

You HAVE to make the first move. And forget this stuff.. well, i'm shy and i'm afraid of rejection stuff, because that's just an excuse to make the girl do YOUR legwork.

Ever think that the girl might be shy too, and terrified of rejection? And being a girl besides, why do you make it her job to approach you? Cuz now she's not only risking rejection ,she's risking making a complete fool of herself because it's not socially acceptable YET for a girl to make the first move on a man.

When you declare, all you shy guys out there, that you find it acceptable for us girl to approach you and get all your male friends to agree that this will be okay for us, I promise you we will be more willing to do so.

Unfortunately, until that day arrives, the girl is going to feel mighty uncomfortable making the first moves.

I personally hate it when the guy makes me do all the work up front, even when he indicates he might be interested.

I hate it when guys insist you call them first. That YOU have to be the one to come see them. All that stuff is pure nonsense to me, cuz if you really liked the girl, you would show some iniative.

To not show it, is telling the girl, that maybe you are not only lazy, but maybe not that interested in her! Is that the message you want to convey? Probably not.. but that approach is the message you DO convey.

I find it very flattering that a guy would go out of his way to get to know me. The ones that just let you make all the moves even though they find you attractive just make me wonder if I'm wasting my time with them in the first place.

You don't have to be all Don Juan. Just be yourself and be friendly. If there's chemistry between the two of you, she's sure to react positively.

If not.. at least you know where you stand.

[Dating Coach]

But... and here's the big thing here males, women are NOT mind-readers. Just cuz you are sitting in the corner quietly does not mean we know you are interested in US.

You HAVE to make the first move. And forget this stuff.. well, i'm shy and i'm afraid of rejection stuff, because that's just an excuse to make the girl do YOUR legwork.

 

Exactly. And if you guys are thinking, "Well why do WE have to do the work?!" You just do. Why? Because IF you don't, another guy will. That's just how it works. A girl (usually) does not have to make the moves in order to have dating opportunities. So if you aren't making the move then another guy will. Why should she get up and take the chance on you when another equally attractive male will spare her the work? Not only that, but he's demonstrating more confidence and better social skills by doing so. If you do nothing, you lose. There is no sense blaming women at all. It's up to you.

[Dating Coach]

there is no clear cut definition. i'm just saying most women don't go for jerks, most women are in relationships with one. why this happens i do not know. but it seems there is a lot of complaining these days about a woman's bf/husband. a lot of it is there fault for dealing with this crap. not that some chick meets a jerk and is like, ooooh, i want to date him. i'm sure they seem nice at first. but then down the road they realize the guy is a jerk, but still stay with them.

 

Very very very few women know a guy will treat them bad when they meet him, and then choose to date him. What you are referring to is more along the lines of a girl being attracted to a guy who turns out to be a bum later on. By this time she may have fallen hard for him which would make it more difficult to leave.

 

This has nothing to do with the "Girls Like Jerks" idea when it comes to meeting women. When most of these girls are meeting the so-called "Jerk" they aren't seeing a complete a-hole, they're seeing a good looking guy who is confident enough in himself to approach her, flirt with her, etc. If she chooses to date that guy over the guy who sits on the sidelines doing nothing, having trouble building chemistry, carrying conversation, etc, then that's her dating a guy who presented himself better with the initial impression. That's all. It has nothing at all to do with choosing a jerk.