Fiancee is scared about the complications..

[CourtneyDawn]

My Fiancee is scared about the complications that we will be having soon...and I guess I cant blame him...but Im so scared he will leave me and Im not sure I could handle that.

 

I am in my 7th month of pregnancy and this baby isnt his. (He knows this of course!) We are young, I am 18 and he is 19. We were together from the time I was 15 til last May, we lived together until then, then we broke up for six months, during this time I became pregnant by another man, he turned out to be a loser and in my 3rd month of pregnancy me and my fiancee got back together and he said he wanted to be considered the father of my child and proposed to me a couple of months after we got back together. We love each other very much and he has been helping me through pretty much everything. We are renting a house (instead of this small apartment) together next month and are both excited about that. He has talked to my tummy saying just the cutest things, and worries about both of us just as if this were his biological child. But now, something has happened. Last week we were lying in bed and he told me that he was scared that this was not the right decision for him and his future. He is scared about the money, and his freedom and the fact that he is only 19 years old. Also lately he has been quite distant. He doesnt really want to have sex with me, (it used to be like almost twice a day and now its closer to once a week) not that he cant or anything he just chooses to masturbate instead of turn over and make love to his fiancee. So now he is telling me that he will be making a decision as to wether this is right for him. He says he is still madly in love with me but wants to do whats right for him. Sometimes I think, "well if he;s madly in love with me he would want to work through the hard times and not even consider leaving me" but then I have to think about it on his side, he is only 19, and he has his whole life ahead of him, should he really juggle being a husband and father whilst just starting his career, even though this child isnt even his to begin with and am I being selfish to want him to be with me? Everything seems so complicated but Im so scared because I really dont think I could do this without him. He is seriously like my rock and my hero and I love him more than anything and would be devistated if he left. Can anyone help me with this?

[sophie274]

I'll leave the advice giving to the wiser members of this board. It sounds like you are in a very difficult position - of just sitting back and watching while someone else makes a decision that has so much impact on your life!

 

So I just want to give you big hugs and reassurance. Take care of yourself and your baby.

 

Do you have parental support to rely on? Maybe you could move in with them for the rest of the pregnancy?

[DN]

Do your best to speak calmly but sincerely and tell him that you love him and need him. That you hope he loves you in return and you can spend the rest of your lives happily together. But also that you will understand if he decides to leave a hard situation and, even though it will be heartbreaking, you will not blame him.

 

Then tell him that if he decides to stay you think he will be a wonderful husband and father and there is nothing you would like better than to face all the difficulties and share all the joys of making a family with him.

[Alezia]

Wow! This is a tough one. Especially that he is not the father of the child.

There is not much you can do, except be patient and wait. Try to be understanding of what he is going through and the sacrifices he would have to make to adapt to the new lifestyle. (By the sound of your post, I think you are already quite understanding! Good job)

 

I think it is very smart of him to think about this right now versus later. Once the child does come to this world, they will probably both be attached. He doesn't hold any legal rights/requirements to him and could disapear from under your nose one day. It would be harsh and cruel for your child to be dettached from his father figure.

 

Would you be ready to read books with him on the subject or try counseling? Maybe that would help him feel more ready to make a decision on a role which he hasn't played before/has no clue how it's done.

 

I get the impression that he does not feel right having sex with a pregnant woman, especially not his. I know that a lot of my SO's told me they would be scared of having sex with me if I was pregnant.. and wouldn't feel right to 'cum' on a child's head. I don't think that it means he loves you any less.

[BeStrongBeHappy]

Oh I'm so sorry, this is a very difficult situation for both of you! Life does have some odd twists and turns...

 

I think that every young father has similar fears, doubts, and feelings when confronting the reality of a child entering his life, because a child and family is a big responsbility and change to his life.

 

but you have the added complication that this child is not his, so that when he has these doubts, he may be tempted to run from it, so his doubts are understandable, especially given his age and the fact that the child was fathered by someone else.

 

lots of men also get turned off by a really pregnant women, or 'weirded out' because for reasons known only to them.

 

but having said that, if he really loves you, he might come thru this, even after having these doubts and fears.

 

i think your best bet is to tell him the truth, that he is your rock and your love and your hero, and that you will be devastated if he leaves you now. But that you do understand his feelings. Perhaps if now is a bad time for him to leave, you could ask him as a friend to be there for you until you give birth and get settled in... and if he wants to leave after that, you will fully understand. The reality of the baby is either going to bring him closer or help him decide that parenthood and commitment to you both is not what he wants.

 

He might even leave, and then reconsider and return once he experiences being without someone that he really loves. But if he leaves and doesn't come back, it is better than having someone who stays and resents a child that is not his. he has to accept the baby wholeheartedly, or you have to consider your baby first, and recognize it is better for him to go than make the child feel unwanted.

 

Hugs, i hope this works out for you.

[CourtneyDawn]

All of your posts have been great and very helpful, although, my fiancee has decided its best for him that I go ahead and move back home with my sister. We talked alot about it, we never got mad or fought about it, and Im staying here until Thursday and so far he has been very sweet to me and helping me through this. He holds me when I cry and trys to cheer me up with silly things or suggests that I take a walk or keep myself busy. We are still really good friends, and we still love each other very much. He told me to call him whenever I need to as he will probably be calling me when he gets upset, and he will be coming down to see my daughter when she's born. Im so glad it isnt all fighting and me just leaving but sometimes I think it would be easier because right now, I dont want to leave at all. I can see myself going to my sisters and just crying and saying over and over again that I just want to go home. Back to my sweet fiancee. If i were mad at him, I wouldnt want to come back. But then I think, it wont be as hard, because I can always call him when Im having a bad day and I know I will see him again sometime. I also know that he still loves me and he's not mad at me about anything.

 

Another thing that Ive been slowly realizing and not sure what to think about it, is that he wont be in the delivery room with me when I have my daughter. For the longest time, when I thought about my delivery I thought of him beside me kissing my forehead, feeding me ice chips, holding the vomit bucket, and all that gross stuff in between. The truth is, when Im sick, he always makes me feel a little better. And now, when Im about to go through the worst pain in my life, he wont be next to me crying with me when she gets put in my arms. I was never really scared of delivery until now. I just scared in general of my future. I dont know whats next, all i know is I wont have him.