Really irritated!! Should I just let this go?

[BrokenHeart82]

Ive written before about the guy Ive been seeing for 2.5 months. In the first few weeks we took turns driving to eachother as we live 45 minutes apart approximately. Then, he had issues with his babies mother as well as the baby being sick, etc and (without question) I began doing the driving as his situation was so unpredictable.

 

So for the last 6-7 weeks Ive done all the driving once or twice a week and we've grown closer. I have met his best friends, gone on group dates with him, met his family....and he has met nobody in my life.

 

In the beginning he expressed a want to meet my friends but then all this went down and this hasnt happened.

 

Anyhow, I wont see him this weekend as he will be at his parents with his son all weekend. I heard from him last night when he texted so he's keeping in touch.

 

This morning i sent a text wishing him a good morning and a good day. I said "Ive been thinking, next weekend you could come up my way and we could do dinner at my place or maybe go out in the city"

 

His response was "maybe" and then nothing else. I am a little hurt as ive done all the driving to support him in his time of need and i thought that he'd be happy to come up my way. Now that mediations are done and his schedule is more stable i want to continue our relationship but with both of us putting forth half the effort with driving to visit.

 

Im not sure how to take his cool response?

[annie24]

hm, i am not always direct, at least not at first, so what about if the next time he suggests you drive, just tell him that you are having some car troubles or you are broke and can't pay for gas. see if that doesn't spur him to suggest driving out to see you.

 

personally, i would agree with how you are feeling, he should be making more of the effort now that the mediations are over. i think you may have "spoiled" him a bit and he's taking you for granted. so, don't let that happen! if he doesn't put forth the effort, forget him! there are a million other guys out there.

[Momene]

Why not have a 'phone conversation instead of texting?

 

OK, I'm 52 next month but sometimes the old ideas are the best.

[kellbell]

Hey there,

 

Perhaps he is starting to take you for granted. You have been very nice and accomidating all this time and now he is not realizing what he needs to be doing on his end. I understand he has a lot on his plate and his child comes first in HIS life but YOU need to come first in YOUR life. Your needs are not being met at all because you are wrapped up in meeting HIS needs. And now you feel resentful because he is not even compelled to meet you half way anymore. This is what happens when people are too nice, they eventually get taken advantage of.

 

So what to do? Well, I would engage in your life for awhile. Do what YOU want to do. You have been doing what HE wants to do. You have lost yourself in this relationship and it is time to regain your identity back. Make other plans this weekend...without him. And if he calls wanting to get together, EVEN if he offers to drive and see you, I would tell him, "sorry, I have other plans. Perhaps we can plan for next weekend." You need to put your foot down and stop letting him do all the taking and no giving.

 

If you are serious about staying with this man then you NEED to have your OWN life too and not be just at his beck and call. He is losing respect for you and he is taking you for granted. I know this will be hard and awkward because you feel it might drive him away for good. If that is the case, then he is not worth being with anyway. A relationship is about give and take, teamwork, it will never survive when one person is doing all the work.

 

Make your OWN plans for this weekend...TODAY.

 

Hang in there.

[annie24]

another thing to add..... i think that your behavior towards him was really good and sweet.... but after 2 months, probably not what he deserves. i don't know, i think if you have been with him for a while, like you are a long-term gf or his wife, i think you should totally be supportive of him. but if you are giving him premium girlfriend behavior, he should be giving you premium boyfriend behavior, which he is not!

 

it is just like a law or something, people don't value that which comes too easily. if you are treating him in a really loving supportive manner, he won't necessarily react the same way to you. he needs to earn that behavior first!!!

[annie24]

very nicely said kellbell!!!

[kellbell]

Thanks Annie. You too. I like your description of being premium girlfriend behavior. Sweetheart, Annie is 1000% dead on here. You have been dating 8.5 weeks. What you have been doing is the behavior of a long term relationship or spousal behavior.

 

Time to stop being TOO nice and start being nice to yourself. Make other plans this weekend...WITHOUT him. I cannot stress that enough!

[BrokenHeart82]

Kell and Annie, thanx!

 

I AM nice to him...I appreciate that he is trying to be a good father...but im beginning to realize that what I need is a good PARTNER.

 

In the past couple weeks (starting with the impending mediations) he has only called me maybe 2 times and only to confirm plans.

 

It is nice and makes me feel wanted that he desires to see me, but as a self respecting woman i have to question that if he really truly wanted to see me (and is capable) he should be wanting to visit me and make that effort.

 

As for this weekend (he is at his parents as mentioned) I already have great plans with family tonight and friends over the weekend. As for next week, I have had to reason with myself that there is NO reason for him not to be willing (and from my end happy to) to drive to see me and spend some time in my neck of the woods...so even if it means not seeing him two weekends in a row, so be it...it is better to find out NOW that he is not open to a fair relationship then to wear myself down driving down there twice a week only to become more resentful.

 

I am glad that you have reassured me that I am not being overly judgmental..in my opinion i have given him my best and been very supportive but in a true relationship, both partners must be willing to give.

[blender]

He might just be overwhelmed. So try not to take his response personally, just take it "honestly"... right now he's with his baby.. so getting a text from you right now about making "plans" for next weekend might just be a bit to "way ahead" for him to sincerely committ to being able to drive over.. just say "okay, I understand, we can see how we both are feeling when the weekend gets closer, no worries".

 

And if you don't want to drive there to see him, then simply make plans for YOU, keep busy with your own life as well. Being independent, busy with your own life and giving him a bit of space right now could be the most powerful and attractive thing for you to do... just for the moment consider him to be "overwhelmed and busy" and try not to take it personally.

 

Breathe, have confidence in yourself, and an understanding of his situation and consider the whole situation before taking it all too personally. He simply might just be overwhelmed and slowing down a bit, this is an important time for you to be "empathetic and understanding, give him some time, space, respect that he might be pulling back a bit for many reasons... and so you can too let go a bit... relax, enjoy talking to him, be a good listener, and if in time you sincerely feel he's no longer interested in making any effort to be in your life, "then" you might want to ask him where he stands as far as your relationship goes, but for right now, give him the benefit of the doubt, he has a son, an ex wife, and many emotions to deal with.... let go a bit, and relax, and trust that it's not "personal"....

[annie24]

i agree, go do your own thing this weekend and the next. how hard is it for him to pick up the phone and say, "hey - I'm driving out to see you next week?" not hard. and yes, better to find out now he is not so interested rather than later.

[BrokenHeart82]

I should also add that I am being supportive by coming to see him but i have been careful not to just become his shoulder to cry on with family woes.

 

He is kind and pretty generous to me when i come down (dinner, movies, nights out) but for us both to integrate into EACHOTHERS life we should both be putting forth effort.

 

Perhaps he has been spoiled..but i dont text unless he texts or call unless he calls usually as we are supposed to be in the courting stage (only his butt aint courtin! in much of a traditional sense anyhow.)

 

I stay pretty low key but frankly im tired of the drive and now multiplied by his lack of interest in coming to see me, im hurt.

[BrokenHeart82]

No ex wife, this is a girl he basically had a two week stand with..but i get your point. One of the ways I best offer my support is by not over contacting, and keeping busy in my own life (easy to do, i have alot on my plate as well!)

 

So if i happen to text and dont hear back i just consider him to be busy as sometimes i am too busy to respond to him. The only reason i asked so far in advance is to put the idea out there..so that it does get to be next week and he asks "so can you come down this weekend and we'll do this and that." and I get mad or resentful at him making that suggestion. So the idea is out there now and if i dont hear from him about it by midweek next week i will make other plans for myself.

[annie24]

if he does call and ask you to drive up, don't be mad or take an angry tone with him. just be really pleasant and say, "gosh, i would like to see you, but i already made plans for this weekend!" if he is smart, he'll say, 'well, how about if i drive out and see you next week?"

[kellbell]

Hey there,

 

"AM nice to him...I appreciate that he is trying to be a good father...but im beginning to realize that what I need is a good PARTNER."

 

This is a VERY fair statement and there is absolutely nothing wrong with wanting this. And you deserve that. He may be the greatest guy in the world, the greatest dad in the world, but is he great FOR YOU? Is he meeting your needs on several levels? That is what is the issue here. Try not to get blinded with the POTENTIAL this guy has but go by what his actions are and what is going on NOW.

 

I am pleased to read you have plans for the next few weekends. Stick to them.

[Batya33]

Sounds like he needs a therapist/sounding board/personal assistant more than he needs a girlfriend. I love the "premium girlfriend" idea - it's catchy and you can use that as a mental "rubber band" when you feel yourself slipping back into "too nice" territory.

 

In my traditional world I believe that in the beginning at least the man should do more of the calling, initiating and planning than the woman and certainly should do more of the travelling/driving. At the two month mark perhaps things should equalize but since in your case you put in most of the effort it is his turn, premium girl!

[blender]

Sure you are feeling "hurt".. because you have "expectations" in your own heart.. but try to separate the "feelings from the facts".. and just feel your feelings, try not to "get him to validate them" right now... and the "fact" is he has a baby, and he's not making an effort right now to drive out to see you, but right now try not to take it "personally"..not yet.. give it some time, try a different approach towards him, get busy with your own life in an honest and self respecting way, and when any "plans" are discussed for the weekend, just simply say to him, "I'd love to see you, but do whatever is best for you because you seem to have so much going on, so when you do have time to drive my way, let me know, I look forward to it".

 

then just leave him the "opportunity" to rise to the occasion... doing so sets a new tone to your "always driving there, and trying to see him"... just try a new attitude, you are worthy of a man who is willing to make an effort to intentionally be in your life, and for right now he might just have gotten very comfortable with the "fact" that you have been willing to make that drive... so for now, simply get busy with your own life, all the while still being understanding of him... letting go in a loving way, where you are simply understanding, patient, yet still busy with your own life, doing this a bit is usually the most powerful thing to do.. for yourself and for him..

 

and make sure not to take it as his "lack of interest" in coming to see you... for right now just try to create an "opportunity" for HIM to make a choice to come and see you.. and you can do so by simply changing your own 'pattern" of always driving up there, and not by trying to make "plans" with him..let HIM make a choice to make "plans" with YOU... just let go a bit.. see what happens, it will clearly tell you more about what he might be feeling...

[BrokenHeart82]

This is the reassurance I needed that I am doing the right thing.

 

I realize that I AM AN ADULT..if I dont want to drive 45 minutes..I simply DONT HAVE TO. If im feeling taken for granted, i have to take my part in it..it isnt just him taking me for granted, its also ME putting myself out there on a platter.

 

Blender you are right in that I cant let my hurt feelings distort reality...and the reality is, if im not happy with what im doing in this relationship, then i simply need to adapt my behavior...which is why i simply suggested he come up. When he responded "maybe"..i know in years past i wouldve fired back "ya know, since i HAVE done ALLLL the driving the past 6 weeks!" but now I am at a place where I can just let it go. I should say also that he doesnt have the baby today and he wouldnt have him next weekend (id never make him choose me or his son!)

 

I put the idea out there, he knows im open to seeing him next weekend and now its his place to act on it. You cant bully a man to do more for you or like you more..pushing will only force the opposite affect (wow i have come so far in the past year!).

 

So I think now, that i will probably get plans for next weekend (as i said not hard to do with my schedule!)

 

At some point he will probably miss my presense (maybe!!) and as youve said suggest me coming down but as ive said i wont again until he makes an effort..i cant compromise myself!

[Momene]

Well done. Stick to your guns.