Jealousy

[fnlyfrei]

How does one overcome the green monster? And why can one be fully aware of the destructive nature of it and still follow through with behaving stupidly that way? I know it is repulsive to me when someone treats ME that way...so why do I do it?

 

It is almost easier to be alone than to have to deal with it. Any helpful thoughts? Or am I a lost cause? ](*,)

[caro33]

Yes I think one can be full aware the destructive nature of jealousy and still give in to it - I do.

 

It depends on a range of things (ah, I seem to always say that!), like: what are you jealous of? What triggers your jealousy? What is at the root of your jealousy?

 

People say it's about self-esteem, so knowing your own esteem issues is a starting point.

 

To be honest, for me my jealousy is something I actually feed inadvertedly by choosing to wallow sometimes in insecurity and self-hatred. The person I am jealous about figures in my daydreams when I am bored and I want to compare myself to something...It's brought on by fear and boredom. It becomes habit to think that way about yourself sometimes.

 

I doubt you're a lost cause!

[Zaphod]

Having a partner that makes an effort to show you that you can trust them helps.

[FrancisHouseman]

 

To be honest, for me my jealousy is something I actually feed inadvertedly by choosing to wallow sometimes in insecurity and self-hatred. The person I am jealous about figures in my daydreams when I am bored and I want to compare myself to something...It's brought on by fear and boredom. It becomes habit to think that way about yourself sometimes.

 

god yes I know about that!

 

my friends say that i almost invent things to worry about, stress about. That i dont know how t be happy, that maybe i cant believe that its happening to me, that someone loves me, that i have found that elusive thing called true love. i worry all the time that im second best to someone that came before me.

 

but then i look around and realise there are SOOO many other women feeling the same way.

 

Its crazy jealousy, but i feel it and its because im insecure.

[Gus Almighty]

Jealousy can be good or bad I think. Jealousy is used correctly can make a relationship better at times....makes you want to try harder to get all the attention.

 

Thats a pretty picture of you, I think I am displaying a bit of jealousy now myself.

[scaredtodeath]

I once heard that no matter how jealous you get, if someone is going to cheat on you, they will do it. They obviously don't care how you feel if they cheat, so it makes no difference to them how jealous you get. All jealousy is is a waste of energy and sanity.

 

I used to be incredibly jealous, but after hearing that, I realized how true it is. Why should I try so hard to keep someone with me if they really don't want to be?

 

I think talking it out with the person that creates the jealous feelings is the best thing to do. Let them know how you feel, and why, and maybe they can ease your worrying.

[chocojay]

scaredtodeath is absolulety correct, why worry abt someone who doesnt really wanna b with u? Doesnt care enough to spare you the hurt and pain! Im in a very destructive relationship right now and a major reason for it being this way is because of being insecure, jeolouse and or possesive. which will always lead to Its not a healthy situation to catch yoruself in. Its actually quiet terrible and can eat you up badly!!!

I've been cheated on by this guy and now i cant even handle a telephone converstaion he has with any female! Like yesterday i fliped out coz he was talking all softly in the corner mumbling under his breath, and i hit the roof! Its completely insane. It can drive a person to insanity. The minute you start acting like that its a sure sign to hit the road or you'll end up tied up in a knot gone koo-koo.](*,)

[Azual]

 

Also had the jealousy thing going on. After thinking about what you said, made sense! Now it's just a matter of staying non-jealous ha ha!

 

Oh... and talking to the person that makes you jealous doesn't always work, 'cause sometimes they get mad and whatnot... then they do it more just to get on your nerves.

 

Fnly, congrats on finding someone, and I have faith that you can and will cast off the shackles of jealousy. I can't really say much more than these finer and wiser people have... but I can assure you that we are here if you ever need us!

[Nappy]

We all have insecurities no matter how confident. So I suppose that is why jealousy is normal - It's just when you allow it to eat you up is when it becomes a problem.

 

I've learned a lot about myself in the past 3 months of which I'm not too happy about. As it turns out, I'm quite insecure. And I find myself jealous of things that I'm not too sure if I should be jealous about.

 

My bf has a friend who happens to be his good friend's sister - So he's friends with her via her brother. She is very jolly, outgoing, and warm. He told me that the thing that attracted him to me when we were beginning to turn our friendship into more is that I seemed genuinely happy. Well, he later learned that I've been through a lot and am a normal gal that keeps it as positive as she can. So, when I see him interact with her, well, I worry.

 

He has said that she makes him feel good. I don't know, that doesn't seem like a good sign. He is extremely excited for her return from abroad, and really lights up when he gets to talk to her. We had a convo about my insecurities and I mentioned her in passing, really didn't put much emphasis on her, just happened to list his main gal friends in a thought. And well, he focused a lot on explaining her off all on his own. He said "She's unique, she makes you feel good..." and then eventually he seemed to get frustrated in his own thoughts and said "I can't explain it." Maybe he loves her in a non-romantic way and he didn't want to say that? Or maybe he does have feelings for her, he just has never allowed himself to feel it? (which is classicaly him - not allowing himself to feel a certain way)

 

What got me to worry more is that after that convo - Well, he didn't open her subsequent emails (yes I snooped, I know, bad). She sent two updates to all her friends - And usually he opens those. It's been a month and he still hasn't opened them. The other day I was on his comp talking to a friend through my bf's screen name - She messaged him and so I spoke to her, basically every time we all hang out together so it was normal for us to chat it up. When he asked who it was I told him - And he said "Oh." And that was it. Now, these two behaviors are classic behaviors of him to do if he wants to prevent something. The second one...Well, maybe he knows I wonder about his relationship with her so he didn't want to seem excited in order to protect me from being hurt by his excitement. I can understand being happy - But his excitement is the most excitement he ever has for anyone.

 

I trust him - I know he would never actually DO anything. But I wonder and worry about his feelings for her. I really don't want to feel like the person I'm with doesn't have all feelings for me... or be the one that is preventing him from feeling for someone else that he does have feelings for.

 

I've already told him - If he begins to really have feelings for someone else - Well tell me. Which at that point I simply wouldn't be able to handle and be gone. I just don't want to be in a relationship with someone that has to suppress their feelings for someone else. I understand we all eventually become attracted to another at one point in a LTR....But, feelings, that's something else entirely.

 

Any thoughts?

[Gus Almighty]

I once heard that no matter how jealous you get, if someone is going to cheat on you, they will do it. They obviously don't care how you feel if they cheat, so it makes no difference to them how jealous you get. All jealousy is is a waste of energy and sanity.

 

I used to be incredibly jealous, but after hearing that, I realized how true it is. Why should I try so hard to keep someone with me if they really don't want to be?

 

I think talking it out with the person that creates the jealous feelings is the best thing to do. Let them know how you feel, and why, and maybe they can ease your worrying.

 

Thats an especially good point in relation to my situation. Shes been friends with this guy for years at work, she talked about him at this or that time and it always made me jealous. I let her know my concerns and she told me she would never cheat on me.

 

In spite of that, he is the very same man she was having an affair with for about 7 months. The thought of that now makes me all the more sick about it.

 

I always knew she had something for him, I tried to be decent about it and lay back and trust her.

[ImThatGirl]

How does one overcome the green monster? And why can one be fully aware of the destructive nature of it and still follow through with behaving stupidly that way? I know it is repulsive to me when someone treats ME that way...so why do I do it?

 

It is almost easier to be alone than to have to deal with it. Any helpful thoughts? Or am I a lost cause? ](*,)

 

I'm curious to know more. I mean - have you determined that this jealousy is completely irrational and out of line? Are you getting jealous of things or friendships that mean nothing to your so?

 

I too deal with the jealousy monster. I am confident, upbeat, positive... And I don't mind my bf having "lots" of friends that are girls. But there's this one girl that he is friends with and it bugs me extremely.

[SummerGirl38]

First I have to say you are way to pretty to have a jealousy problem, but since you do I'll let you in on my philosphy of it all.

 

I had the same problem at one time with a particular ex of mine. I was convinced that he couldn't be faithful. I would accuse him, check cell phone calls, do drive-bys when he told me he would be somewhere to check his story. There was one time I accused him of going to church to hook-up because he always talked about a particular girl there. Heck, the man had not been to church in 20 years, why did he want to go back now?

 

As it turned out he did cheat and it literally rocked my world. I lost everything. Him, My Step-Kids, my dog, our business, my house, most of my belongings that I had before him, I let him ruin my credit. I lost 25 lbs. and I only weighed 120 at 5'5 before that.

 

What killed me the most is not even two weeks before he put a certified diamond on my left hand and told me that he knew I was the one he was supposed to spend his life with. He went out and bought me a couple hundred dollars worth of new clothes this same week.

 

I was jealous and I guess with good reason, but still, I NEVER SEEN IT COMING!!!

 

Why the ring?, why the clothes?, why even say that he was supposed to spend his life with me? WHY THE H E double hockey sticks play someone like that?

 

I thought to myself "Well Summer, you believed what you wanted to believe. You fell for the lies that were probably told to throw you off of his cheating scent.

 

Since then I have thought. (My philosophy) You can't make anyone love you, If a person sets it in their mind to cheat, they will. You will not be able to stop them, they will find a way. Trust someone until they prove they cannot be trusted and (the biggest thing that stops my little green monster right in his tracks)..............

 

I have had my heart broke before and survived when I didn't think it could be done. I have went on to better days with a wonderful person that I can trust.

 

If he ever breaks my heart, I'll put on that band-aid and go on, because it obviously wasn't meant to be, but until that day comes, why kill myself worrying about what "might" or "might not" ever happen?

 

I think I give my all and if that isn't good enough for someone, so be it. Don't let the door hit ya on your way out.

 

P.S. Do you know what woke me up the most to my whole situation. It was when I talked to his Ex-Wife (who he had also cheated on). I told her he had cheated and she actually said to me...

 

Duh Summer, he cheated on me, he cheated on Mary and now he cheated on you, "Didn't you see it coming, she asked?

[Gus Almighty]

Summer your such a nice woman, one of these days I may have to have you transferred to indiana

[SummerGirl38]

Aww Thanks Gus, I try my best!

[joism]

I'm in the same boat. I hate it with a passion and I wish so much that it would go away. I don't want to be like this, but yet it's hard not to be. It's hard to control your feelings. Everyone says this and that, but in actuality, it's just plain tough.