Friends With Benefits - Update!

[KaEdYnZMoMmi]

Okay, for those of you who may have remembered my situation...Here is an update: My FWB and I got into an argument on Feb 3rd, and had NO CONTACT until the 19th. We got into an argument because one night while he was out with his friends and I was out with mine we had gone to the same bar and he had noticed a male trying to "talk" to me. Me and the other guy walked out at the same time but I swear it was coincidental. I would never mess around with someone else, my FWB means too much to me. (we have a unwritten contract stating that we cant have intercourse with ANYONE else). Anyways- Okay well while we were arguing the 3rd we said some pretty upsetting things to one another and cut off all ties. Well on Monday the 19th me, him and his 3 year old son went to lunch. His son said that he missed me and gave me a picture he drew for me...HOW SWEET! So we went to lunch and I was laughing and smiling I missed them. Then as our food arrived he said " I see you got your nails done, and your hair cut and colored...you look real good, who you trying to impress?" I said "nobody"...and he said you look really good and very happy I was going to say we should work things out and get back together...and I said oh yeah? And he said yeah, but I dont wanna ruin your happiness...I would LOVE to be with him. I love him- it is no secret...but I didn't tell him that. He has been joking around alot telling me that he loves me. Do you think he could mean it? Or do you think he is just tryin to cut the tension??

[astaro]

we have a unwritten contract stating that we cant have intercourse with ANYONE else

 

I was laughing and smiling I missed them

 

I love him

 

that sounds like a relashonship to me.

you should tell him you want to be with him, if he only wants sex you might want to brake it off for a while to get some perspective on things, sounds to me like you are heading down a posibly very painfull road.

[Jetta]

He may be missing the sex. If you reunite make him date you and turn it into a true relationship. Skip the FWB thing especially with him. I read your previous post and I recall it being too relationship like. Plus you have a child involved here. Either be in for real or sever your ties.

[Batya33]

What does flirting or even kissing another man have to do with sexual monogamy? Do you think it's fair to the three year old to let him get attached to his daddy's FWB - given that this is not a serious relationship? I think your post is a classic example of why FWB doesn't work - you're settling for table scraps since you want a relationship, he wants the benefits of a relationship -- being able to control who you flirt with or date -- without the responsibilities -- and the poor child gets attached to a woman who is not his mother and not even serious with his dad. Ugh. Please do yourself and everyone else a favor and find someone where it is truly just sex or it has potential for a relationship.

[KaEdYnZMoMmi]

I can't lie EVERYONE (my parents, siblings, our friends, and other people who have been around us) have all said that we are basically a couple without the title. It isn't that I don't love being around his kids or even care about them. All 3 of them have become a significant part of my life. We actually started talkin about moving in together last night.

[Batya33]

I don't think it's fair to a three year old to get attached to a woman who is not married to his father or even engaged where she and he are not willing to be an official couple - that sounds like a very unstable arrangement for the child (and for you, but you are an adult - the child didn't ask for this instability). Without a real commitment you could move in today and be out in a month - and you would have allowed that child to get attached to you, and then you're gone. At least with an engagement or a marriage there is more of an incentive to work things out and the child has a positive role model of a stable relationship. Please - for the sake of the child - reconsider - it sounds very chaotic, your situation with him - and living together isn't going to lessen the chaos and may increase it.

[omayra]

you cant say that u dont want to b wit him because u obviously show ur feelings that u av for him, so i think u should go to him and tell him that u would like to b wit him again ok

[Ice Breaker]

sorry, I didnt read all your entries so i dont know your whole history.

 

But after reading your latest posting i think he does love you. It seems both of you are afraid of the commitment. Maybe the next time he is joking around with the 4-letter words ask him if he means it and admit to having feelings for him.

 

This jealous thing of his could be a problem. It means he cares and maybe more than you realize... but jealously can ruin a relationship.

 

This is my oppinion... hope it helps

[SexySadie7]

Yeah.. it sounds more like a bf/gf thing than a simple sex buddy thing. Most FWB things i know of, allow, and even encourage each partner, to be able to seek out other people.

But you both don't want this.. Why is he hesitant to make you his gf?

I must ask you Batya.. you say this, "I don't think it's fair to a three year old to get attached to a woman who is not married to his father or even engaged where she and he are not willing to be an official couple - that sounds like a very unstable arrangement for the child"

Do you think that's true of just a toddler.. or an older child, like 7 or 8 years old, would you say the same thing.

Reason I ask, is I see, so many divorced guys with young kids under 9 or 10, who just want a FWB thing. They are often not opposed to letting you meet their kids either.

Do you think a FWB is bad for a young child to see their dad involved in?

Especially if the kid is allowed to hang out with their dad's sex buddy?

 

I don't know why guys are so opposed to having a simple gf now.. It doesn't mean you are heading down the aisle!

 

I guess it just boils down to alot of guys wanting their cake and eating it too. That is.. they want the benefits of a relationship, regular sex, being able to contact their sex partner whenever they want, but they don't want the commitment of it.

It seems like someone's gonna get the short end of the stick unless all they also want is to screw someone they know.

I myself, cannot have sex with someone I am attracted to and care about, without getting emotionally involved. I guess I'm just not wired that way.

I also, in no way would want to be sharing my sex partner with anyone else! That's just SOOOO risky with all the incurable STDs out there now!

[Batya33]

Do you think that's true of just a toddler.. or an older child, like 7 or 8 years old, would you say the same thing.

Reason I ask, is I see, so many divorced guys with young kids under 9 or 10, who just want a FWB thing. They are often not opposed to letting you meet their kids either.

Do you think a FWB is bad for a young child to see their dad involved in?

Especially if the kid is allowed to hang out with their dad's sex buddy?

 

 

Hi Sadie,

My personal opinion (emphasis on personal) if the child is under 18 and living at home he/she should not be subjected to her mom or dad living with or having sleepovers with a man or woman who is not married to mom/dad or the child's bio parent. Sure, if they are engaged and the wedding date is one month or less - imininent that probably is fine as far as the message it sends.

 

I also think it can be harmful to let the child get attached (even if no sleepovers) to an "FWB" or someone the parent is just dating. Kids don't get dating they get attached, particularly teenagers.

[Metallica Lightning]

Only thing I'm afraid you're missing is the title.

[TheFoglifter]

I suspect that recently divorced men who just want FWB do so because they want all the things they DIDN'T get in their marriage. If you were previously in a situation where you had all the responsibilities and none of the benefits, its natural to want to "catch up" by getting all the benefits and none of the responsibilities.

 

Men seek out a stable source of sex before committing -- the deal that this man has is GREAT. Why the hell would he want to risk losing the sex but getting saddled with all the responsibilities?

 

If you want this to work as a relationship, it is my opinion you need to make it CRYSTAL CLEAR that he will CONTINUE to get what he wants (whether that is just sex, or whether its more) if you were his gf instead of his FWB. If he can be certain that he will still get the sex, possibly even BETTER sex, then he will not be afraid to commit.

 

This is so important I'm going to rephrase it. Ever heard the term "bait and switch"? Many guys are afraid to let their gfs get "too secure" because they are afraid that the sex will stop. Unfortunately it is too true. The same is true of men getting too secure, and then being less romantic.

 

Your theme throughout the conversation should be unmistakably this: "if we were an official couple you would get all you have now and more".

 

If your boss told you "from now on, we will pay you less, and you will do more work" would you be happy? probably not. Would you seek out another job? Quite possibly. Keep this in mind as you let him know that he does not have to worry about getting less sex.