ridiculousness of trying to find someone

[Caterina]

Does anyone have a life as ridiculous as mine? Its a rhetorical question, but let me tell you about my experiences. Every time I've dated someone its a reminder as to how hopeless my situation is since reality and what I dream of are two completely contrasting things.

I've gone out with a lot of guys and I haven't ever gotten past the point of ever seeing anything. It might be because I'd NEVER date if I didn't date someone that I wasn't excited about. I'll see a goodlooking guy around once in a blue moon. So its already hard to even see one. Then, even lower of a chance, he looks at me and smiles. But then he never comes over. I never get what I want. Maybe I'm pouting but it all seems to be a joke.

The only passion I've seen was from lustful guys who claimed to be "in love" with me when they didn't understand me or much less even know much about who I am. It was such a joke because they were imitating what I want from someone that I would feel mutually that way about.

Every guy I've dated brought more dissatisfaction then I ever had while alone.

Yet, I long to find someone to love. I've only truly liked two men. One never reciprocated and the other turned out to be a jerk.

I never meet anyone and even when I do its very hard to even make a connection. Much less all the other factors to consider!

[Yvette84]

It will happen! I was in this rut once. Ecxept the guys I dated were all unstable or pshycotic. I was never satisfied, people said I was too picky...but you should be if it's the person you're going to spend the rest of your life with!! It was when I just decided to wait for God to bring me the right person, that he finally did

don't give up hope. It will happen when the time is right. He is out there.

[Weeblie]

That part about never getting what you want...sounds exactly like my life in general. People are always telling me that I need to make things happen and that stuff won't just fall into my lap. And for some reason, I'm starting to see that they're right.

 

Have you tried approaching guys? Or putting yourself in situations where you're more likely to meet someone?

[Alabama]

I suppose all bad things have to end. That's what I think. I thought for once I may almost have had a date with someone, but then she rejected me. But life goes on and with many new chances to happen. You'll find someone, I'm sure of it...the hard part is not giving up!

[Caterina]

I have started to put myself out there...I've been going to this one group but haven't met anyone yet. My friend tells me its a start to even go because I am very shy when I do not know someone.

[TonyMar75]

Mind if I ask what age range you're in? Or, if you'd rather, how long have you been at the dating thing?

 

I shudder to think it, much less type it, but I'm starting to feel that urge to...c'mon Tony...settle...You can DO it, Tony!...down. Ahhh.

 

And so the prospect of dating for me is now framed by that, and I'm realizing that it can become a weight if we let it. Perhaps that's where you are right now. Just remember it's only a weight if we let it be. If we want it to be, we use it as motivation to meet as many people as we can in this short life so we can appreciate that journey -- including the detours, potholes and out-and-out ghastly wrecks -- all the more when we've reached the destination.

[Weeblie]

And so the prospect of dating for me is now framed by that, and I'm realizing that it can become a weight if we let it. Perhaps that's where you are right now. Just remember it's only a weight if we let it be. If we want it to be, we use it as motivation to meet as many people as we can in this short life so we can appreciate that journey -- including the detours, potholes and out-and-out ghastly wrecks -- all the more when we've reached the destination.

 

That's beautiful.

 

I completely agree with that. It's good to not get so focused on the goal of finding someone and just enjoy meeting people. It takes off the stress and you'll find that for some reason people will start flowing to you.

 

It's great that you've joined a group! Keep up with that. I'm sure you'll make friends once you warm up.

[Orlander]

Yeah, it can be pretty rough out there. I'm a firm believer that when you are ready God will bring someone into your life that you are ready for. In hindsight, after my year of struggling after my ex told me it was over forever, I had a few opportunities for real love...at least the possibility and I never saw it cause I just wasnt ready.

 

It's a challenge...feeling so amazingly able and willing to love again and not being able to find someone, but you will...as I will. We are truly special, those of us who have our hearts and souls to give and share with another.

 

There's not a doubt in my mind that I am not truly blessed and any, ANY woman would be lucky to have me because of the love I have to give.

 

I think everyone has that capability but its finding someone who is ready that is hard, but when you do, you know and please dont ever take it for granted. I've learned the hard way.

 

Everything happens for a reason though...dont feel that you are being left out. I see now that it just wasnt meant to be with my ex....I think I got lucky to be where I am today instead of trapped in a marriage with someone I couldnt love and whom couldnt love me like I needed. I see a better, more fullfilling love in store for me. I have faith as should you all

 

 

Orlander

[Dako]

I'll see a goodlooking guy around once in a blue moon. So its already hard to even see one. Then, even lower of a chance, he looks at me and smiles. But then he never comes over. I never get what I want.

The only passion I've seen was from lustful guys who claimed to be "in love" with me when they didn't understand me or much less even know much about who I am.

 

I see a pattern, and you won't like it.

 

You put yourself in the position many women do.

You only date the guys that approach you and ask you out, right?

In doing so, you're at the mercy of those men who see you as a target.

If you have a guy smile at you, why not approach him?

 

I've read a gazillion posts (or less) by women who expect Mr. Charming to come on to them and ask them out. If this method isn't working, why not change the odds in your favor? You choose the guy, instead of leaving it all to fate, or to some goober you don't like.

 

Just a thought.

Let the traditional women flame me. I can take it.

[Batya33]

I see a pattern, and you won't like it.

 

You put yourself in the position many women do.

You only date the guys that approach you and ask you out, right?

In doing so, you're at the mercy of those men who see you as a target.

If you have a guy smile at you, why not approach him?

 

I've read a gazillion posts (or less) by women who expect Mr. Charming to come on to them and ask them out. If this method isn't working, why not change the odds in your favor? You choose the guy, instead of leaving it all to fate, or to some goober you don't like.

 

Just a thought.

Let the traditional women flame me. I can take it.

 

I completely agree with this - work on coming out of your shell and be more approachable. I don't buy the "wait and G-d will send someone to you" - that is said by people who have luck and timing and in hindsight chalk it up to some other power when it's luck, timing and the work you do on yourself and in increasing the quality of your interactions with others.

[Orlander]

Well, I do believe that when we are ready we attract that which we desire. However, sitting at home and doing nothing isnt going to work. You have to take the initiative sometimes to meet the person of your dreams.

 

Some people get lucky but really...luck has a tendency of allowing someone take someone for granted.

 

 

Orlander

[Belle]

I don't believe in chasing after guys. However, I think that you need to change your attitude to attract teh right guys to you. It's hard, but if you feel confident that it's going to happen, you're going to send out more positive vibes. And that's when things get started. Every time I felt really good about my life and the prospects, it starts to rain men. Granted, I haven't found the right one. However, I get nothing when I'm disappointed and jaded about running into a bunch of guys that don't have their act together.

 

Do something for yourself that makes you feel good. And get out there and learn how to be more outgoing. It's really tough at first, but gets easier with practice. And you meet a lot of great people that you wouldn't have had you stayed at home.

[Dako]

Is striking up a convo with a guy considered "chasing after guys?"

That sounds so derogatory.

[longhaircats]

I'll see a goodlooking guy around once in a blue moon. So its already hard to even see one. Then, even lower of a chance, he looks at me and smiles. But then he never comes over. I never get what I want.

 

Maybe you are not sending a "please approach me" signal strong enough? Guys need a bit of encouragement. If a good looking guy smiles at you, smile back to him and give him a clear signal, the "look" that shows you are interested in him.

 

Remember, YOU are the one choosing the right person for you, not them. Tell yourself that you are worthy and beautiful and guy would be lucky to have you. So go out and pick the man you like and smile at him first!

[Caterina]

Perhaps you're right. My shyness is debilitating. I've only dated very outgoing men because I wait until someone asks me out. I've been told that I'm intimidating before...I need to figure out a way to seem open and friendly...approachable! There is this one group I visit on sunday nights. If a guy seems nice enough and I find him attractive, I am going to make it my goal to confidently smile and walk up to him and start a conversation. Maybe I can even sit next to him.

I am happy with my life currently. I really am happy with myself to. But confidence with other people could probably use some help. Any suggestions?

[Dako]

When a woman starts a conversation with me, I usually see her as simply a friendly person.

[Caterina]

When a woman starts a conversation with me, I usually see her as simply a friendly person.

 

That might be a good thing...maybe he's think of me as being friendly and I won't come off as sleazy.

[Weeblie]

That might be a good thing...maybe he's think of me as being friendly and I won't come off as sleazy.

 

There's nothing sleazy about talking to a guy. Unless you're talking about dirty naughty things, or exposing yourself, or grabbing him in an inappropriate manner. But I'm positive you won't be doing those things.

[Batya33]

To me chasing is when a woman asks a man out for a date or comes on to him in a blatantly sexual way, and then, if he doesn't immediately respond she continues to ask or contact him in some way repeatedly. I also find it too aggressive for a woman, after a first date, to ask the man out immediately for a second date and not give him a chance to ask her, particularly if she has asked him for the first date.

 

I think women have to be warm, friendly and approachable and yes approach men in an appropriately friendly way. It's much easier and more natural if it's done in during a shared activity or an event where you're supposed to mingle for a reason other than looking for a potential date. I'm a fan of letting the man ask for the woman's number, ask her out on a date as long as the woman has shown her interest.

[Caterina]

Well, I do believe that when we are ready we attract that which we desire. However, sitting at home and doing nothing isnt going to work. You have to take the initiative sometimes to meet the person of your dreams.

 

Some people get lucky but really...luck has a tendency of allowing someone take someone for granted.

 

 

Orlander

 

But there are a lot of people who don't attract what they desire? I mean, I've had plenty of people who I didn't desire attracted to me.

 

I definetly think you have something there behind the idea that I need to take more initiative. I think I am going to try to be more friendly.

[Caterina]

In what specific ways can I be warm and friendly?

[Batya33]

That's slightly tough to articulate - to me it comes instinctively. I do my best to listen, make eye contact (but not stare), ask follow up questions (but not to the point of prying) and if he talks about a topic I can give input on, I do and try to further the ball of the conversation. I might bring up my interests if he seems like he could be interested as well. I try to be reasonably well read and aware of what's going on in the arts, in the community (but less so in sports, unfortunately!) so that I can contribute something on a variety of topics. If he reacts well, I might at some point reference an event or party I'm planning to attend in an "open" way and gague the reaction.

 

There are infinite ways to respond - body language and warm eye contact both go a long way I have found.

[ghost69]

i know a lot of people that look way to hard. they usually end up with great people, but people below their standards of who they see themselves being with. this is where they end up breaking up. they then see temptation and end up leaving a great person.

 

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[Belle]

In what specific ways can I be warm and friendly?

 

Being happy with yourself is a really good start. If you treat yourself well and you feel good, your energy is going to attract like energy. Smile at people. Talk to random strangers on occasion. I like joking with strangers. It disarms them and seeing someone that's a little shy smile and feel good makes me feel good. And it's a vicious cycle. You make them feel good, you feel good and you want to be friendly with others...