What do you do about a girlfriend who is not open to sex but won't see a doctor?

[Box Diver]

I agree but that is not the message you should be giving her. As I said before, to me the problem is not that she's not having sex with you (well it is but there are obviously reasons for that) the problem is she refuses to explore any reasons for her low libido, refuses to even acknowledge it as a problem.

 

So the "ultimatum" is not about the fact that she won't have sex with you, it's about that fact taht she's not acknowledging that it's a problem for you and she is refusing to see if anything can be done about it.

 

I understand.

 

Not to give you my dirty work (which I am), but how can I phrase it to her?

 

Something like, if you're not willing to see a doctor about this, I don't know if this relationship is going to last in the long run?

[melrich]

Not to give you my dirty work (which I am), but how can I phrase it to her?

 

Oh God...that is hard and I hesitate to put words in your mouth. The main thing I'd say is avoid black and white statements. Maybe something along the lines of,

 

"I know we've talked about this in the past but I'm not sure you understand how big an issue this is for me. I am really struggling with thinking about us in the long term knowing that this is potentially how my sex life will be for the rest of my life. It's not the fact that we don't have regular sex, it's the fact that to date you haven't been willing to explore any solutions to our problem. I really want to work through this together but if your not willing to I have some decisions I have to make."

 

Something along those lines may be a place to start.

[annie24]

The thing that is worrying to me isn't just that she won't see a doctor, it's really that in general, she doesn't seem to want to change things. A doctor may or may not be able to help her. Many doctors aren't very skilled in diagnosing womens' sexual dysfunctions. It worries me that your gf doesn't want to take the initative herself and maybe try to take some positive steps.

 

I can understand you love her and all and see her in your future, but with no sex? that is a best friend. who wants to go the rest of their life like that? and you are so young, it's not like you are 60, like you said.

[Box Diver]

Oh God...that is hard and I hesitate to put words in your mouth. The main thing I'd say is avoid black and white statements. Maybe something along the lines of,

 

"I know we've talked about this in the past but I'm not sure you understand how big an issue this is for me. I am really struggling with thinking about us in the long term knowing that this is potentially how my sex life will be for the rest of my life. It's not the fact that we don't have regular sex, it's the fact that to date you haven't been willing to explore any solutions to our problem. I really want to work through this together but if your not willing to I have some decisions I have to make."

 

Something along those lines may be a place to start.

 

Thanks...when I get balls to say it....it's going to be something like that.

[BeStrongBeHappy]

i think this will be HUGE problem for you in the future... she may never cheat on you, but then she may totally stop having sex with you entirely once she is married to you and has a couple kids, if she hates it so much now...

 

what happens to couples in your position is that it goes ok for a while, until the sexually deprived partner meets someone else who ignites that part of sexual longing, then the marriage usually disintegrates into affairs, anger, bitterness and blaming. she could honestly say at that point that you knew before the marriage that she wasn't sexual, and signed up for it, so if you betray her after the marriage, she will probably have no mercy or forgiveness if you start demanding sex, or seek it elsewhere.

 

you say you are too far down relationship this road to stop and break it off... but if you are on the wrong road, why is it better to just keep going on down the wrong road? sometimes you just have to stop and acknowledge this is not the right path for your life, and turn around and find the right road. if you didn't want sex much either, it would be ok, but that does not seem to be the case.

 

i think there are people who end up in sexless marriages, but most of the time they don't start out that way, or they don't realize one person has a sexual problem until after the marriage. but in this case, it is obvious she really doesn't like sex and doesn't seem to want to try for your sake, even before the marriage.

 

i hope you can talk her into treatment, but please don't make the mistake of marrying her if you do want and need sex. i think it is very abnormal to hate sex because it is a natural instinct, and unless there was abuse or other mental or physical problem, so her behavior is NOT normal. and what is more troubling is that she seems to be OK with it, and is also OK with the fact that you are sexually frustrated...

 

so please have the talk with her about seeing a doctor (physical and mental) to see why sex is so abhorrent to her, and if she won't work on it with you, and you still want to marry her, then resign yourself up front to a life with little or no sex, or acknowledge the incompatability and find someone who is more normal in her sexual attitudes.

 

and if your decision is to leave, then you need to sit her down and be honest, and say, 'i want a normal sex life, to enjoy physical intimacy and closeness with my partner who enjoys and appreciates that part of me, and that is not a priority at all with you, and you don't want to work on that with me. i need someone who wants that with me, and since we are incompatible that way, i think it is best to find partners better suited for each of us...'

 

there is really no easy way to do it, other than the truth...

[heloladies21]

A doc won't help as this isn't something medically wrong. No kind of medicine can cure someone who isn't emotionally attracted to you anymore. We talked about this in an earlier thread.

 

You can get married to her if you want, but nothing's gonna change. It'll just get worse until one of you finally gets fed up and dumps the other one.

[BeStrongBeHappy]

btw, sexuality doesn't stop at 60 anymore, especially with Viagra... and lots of long time married couples still go at it like rabbits as long as they are physically able, and if they are not that able, they get very inventive to compensate! so you have a LONNNNNG time ahead of you to be sexually frustrated, and that won't get better with age just because there are stereotypes that older people stop wanting sex... plenty of them don't, ever stop.

 

when my mother was ill and in a nursing home, the nursing home staff had plenty of stories to tell, about catching their very elderly and often infirm residents hooking up in bed together 'in flagrante delecto'!

 

so try not to rationalize your sex life away, go find someone you want to chase around the nursing home when you're 80, and who will enjoy it herself, not someone who is already turning you down and 'grinning and bearing it' in your 20s...

[melrich]

A doc won't help as this isn't something medically wrong.

 

How do we know that. The OP seems to say she's not seen a medical professional about this. There are medications which can potentially be tried to increase libido. If the issue is not physiological there are other therapies available.

 

No kind of medicine can cure someone who isn't emotionally attracted to you anymore.

 

I agree with this but emotional attachment doesn't seem to be an issue here. The OP says everything else about the relationship is perfect and that she would be devastated if the relationship ended, which suggests strong emotional attachment.

[candy604]

have you asked her on her views of sex? is she religious? perhaps her parents said sex is bad etc..

 

Maybe she has something hidden in her past that she doesn't want to let you know about. Also it sounds like she doesnt' see sex as an intimate thing to share with you, especially if you are to marry. Not sure how you can change her views on that. Perhaps look up dr.phil articles? I found one for you. There are so many on that site that deal with this issue.

 

link removed

[Paranoid]

What about simple kissing and making out? Does she do that, does she enjoy that? Is she ever the first to start kissing? Has she ever done anything with another guy, or are you her first everything?

 

Maybe she was sexually abused...raped or molested...but doesn't know how to tell you or doesn't want to tell you. It's hard to come out and tell someone about that. The first time you say it out loud it turns into something real, something that actually happened.

 

Is there any religious reasons? Maybe she doesn't want to have sex before she's married. But you make her feel guilty for not having sex so she gives in to you once every few months.

 

Maybe I'm way off with all these things...I don't know, just a thought.

[Iceman26]

She refuses to seek any kind help for this, you can't talk to her without her getting upset about it, and I am sure you are tired of feeling bad for wanting to have sex with someone you love.

 

She won't work with you so you need to decide what is in your best interests here.

 

Were I in your shoes I'd just be friends with her.