8 years together and...

[nylady79]

Hi my boyfriend and I have been together for 8 years, since college. We have a house together and 3 cats. He keeps telling me that he wants to get married. He saved about half the money needed to get me an engagement ring, but I just found out he's spent all of that money on other things. Is he trying to tell me something? He says he still wants to get married...

[Batya33]

What does deciding to get married have to do with an engagement ring, particularly after 8 years together?

[Meow18]

What does deciding to get married have to do with an engagement ring, particularly after 8 years together?

 

I was wondering the same thing.

 

Is the ring really that important? If you wait til he can afford an engagement ring, then you will waiting forever, especially with the way he saves money.

[Batya33]

Well, I would be concerned about whether he can afford to be married, particularly if you two want a family.

[Scotcha]

If your worried that he can't "afford" to be married.. Why not find someone who has more money? Afterall, that's what marriage is all about.

 

Seriously though, in my opinion, marriage isn't about money. Money certainly makes things easier but it isn't everything, not even close.

 

If you are worried about his spending habits/saving habits.. Talk to him about it. Maybe you could be in charge of the finances if he isn't very good at it.

 

I don't think that he is "trying to tell you something" by spending the money he had saved to buy you a ring. I do however think it is an indication that he may have a hard time saving money.

[flower99]

but I just found out he's spent all of that money on other things. Is he trying to tell me something? He says he still wants to get married...

 

What kind of other things??? were they important? if not, I'd feel it wasn't a priority to him....

But if you both do want to get married, just do it, don't worry about the engagment ring. Put the money towards the wedding, or the wedding rings.

 

I do understand the lack of money, my finacee & I are in the same boat. It took him 3 months to save up to buy me a ring (and it wasn't an expensive one, cheap in some peoples eyes i think 300...but it means the world to me) We'll have a very inexpenisive wedding too I think (: but it's not the wedding that matters, it's the marraige

[EvaGina]

I would want a ring, but then, I have a very simple taste in jewellary... my engagement ring only cost about $135nz... and I LOVED it. -sigh-

 

anyways, Dont worry about the ring, its silly.

My mum was married 26 years before she got her engagment ring

I dont know, I suppose I dont really understand the whole "wedding"culture... if I ever get married I wont tell anyone but hte witnesses, and then just invite everyone to a bbq and surprise them when they got there

[CarnelianButterfly]

If by other things it was like a car payment, electric bill and such then a ring is a waste of money. You don't need a ring to be committed to someone. Do you value a your relationship or the a piece of jewelry?

[Jetta]

This is a sign of how your marriage will go. A ring is a symbol and yes it is important. My ex took me with him to buy it (after he proposed without a ring). I asked how much he had saved $1500 and spent $500 less, which we used to buy the wedding bands. I wished he would have just gone out and bought it himself and surprised me. I like surprises and I didn't like being a part of choosing the ring, at least not the way it was done.

 

Okay sorry I went on a rant. Does he really want to buy you a ring? What are his thoughts on marriage, engagement, etc.? What other things has he done to show his lack of interest in marrying you? I mean 8 years together is forever! My mom says if they don't mention marriage after 2 years you're wasting your time.

 

My friend has been with a guy for 8 years, I went out and bought her a wedding dress, which she returned after his reaction. He wasn't happy about it but she was. She glowed when she saw it, was very happy. She wants to get married, he doesn't. They're still together but I think that was a huge sign that it's going nowhere, even if they own a house together. It's time to say goodbye, but she won't.

 

You are just like her. How long are you going to wait around? You know he doesn't really plan to marry you. You can give him an ultimatium but be prepared to leave first. Otherwise be happy for the rest of your life as his girlfriend or until he gives up on finding a replacement and opts to marry you.

 

I just don't know what to say to you because I know what you want and I know he's blowing you off. He's content not being married but you're living like you are married, so why haven't you made it legal? You have my sympathies.

[Stari]

Otherwise be happy for the rest of your life as his girlfriend [...]

 

Yes, but I prefer to phrase it as being LOVING PARTNERS for the rest of your life.

[EvaGina]

My bf's parents arent married... they have been together for 30 years and they are very happy.

 

They were going to get married in france when they were on holiday, but their kids werent there, so they didnt.

[lifestream]

I know plenty of happy couples living in common-law...

[Meow18]

There's nothing wrong with just being together, if that's what you both want.

 

But to some people marriage is important. So, you just have to decide what is important to you and if it's not the same as your boyfriend, then it's not going to work out too well.

[anydaynow]

nylady- do you want a ring? It's okay if you do. I don't think that being together for 8 years means you should not make a ring part of the equation. If it is important to you, that is okay. Problems start to happen when it is overly important to you to have a ring that is beyond your means as a couple.

 

I told my boyfriend of 8 years that I did not need a ring. He wanted to get me one. He wanted to get me a really nice one that I would love to wear for the rest of my life. So he did, and I love it. If I really had my heart set on a ring, and someone said, "oh, you've been together 8 years, it doesn't matter anymore," I would be upset. It matters if it matters to you. Why should it matter less or more if you've been together for 6 months or 8 years?

 

Besides, rings can be a few hundred or a few thousand. Not everyone that wants a ring is a superficial gold-digger.

[TheFoglifter]

You need to show him why it is worth his while to be forever tied to you. Men love low-maintenance women. Men are happy to give so long as they also get. Men fear marriages which degenerate into legalized slavery, in which they give and sacrifice everything, and just end up with an unhappy woman.