revelation27 Posted February 13, 2007 Share Posted February 13, 2007 hey my g/f is 43 im 35....she doesnt have the same drive for sex as i do....she takes hormones and stuff but can only do so much she doesnt have any female stuff inside anymore if u know what i mean......well everytime i try to have sex with her she says u need to stop being so horny i say on a avg i try once about every 10 days or so....i tried talking to her before about it all and told her i have needs and etc but she says she doesnt crave it like i do....it seems lately whenever i try or try to talk to her about it she gets mad or more distant....we been together for almost a year now and i care about her alot and sex is not the most important thing to me but it is something i want from her.......any advice? Link to comment
Ash Posted February 13, 2007 Share Posted February 13, 2007 How do you arrive at the decision you would like to have sex with her? Is there any romance? Do you try to appeal to her, do nice things, be helpful and understanding? Perhaps you do, but if you don't this is certainly something to consider. Sounds like there's a bigger issue here than just her sex drive. Her not wanting to talk about it as well is not a good sign. I think you need to talk about other things that may be an underlying cause for this and not talk directly about sex itself. Start by asking her how she thinks your relationship should be. See if her needs are being addressed at all. Maybe she's still dealing with the fact she's different than she was before she had the operation. That sounds like a huge thing to me. I'd want to approach that issue in a very understanding and supportive way. Link to comment
revelation27 Posted February 13, 2007 Author Share Posted February 13, 2007 i have tried talking to her in a nice and supportive way and the operation was over 10 years ago.....no we dont live together Link to comment
DN Posted February 13, 2007 Share Posted February 13, 2007 Reading your other threads - is this the woman that you broke up with recently - did you get back together? Link to comment
revelation27 Posted February 13, 2007 Author Share Posted February 13, 2007 same woman yes we got back together Link to comment
DN Posted February 13, 2007 Share Posted February 13, 2007 In a past thread you said she was molested as a child. That would seem to be key to the current problem. Has she had therapy for that? Link to comment
revelation27 Posted February 13, 2007 Author Share Posted February 13, 2007 yeah she has....when we do have sex she sure doesnt act like it bothers her at all Link to comment
Ash Posted February 13, 2007 Share Posted February 13, 2007 It may not bother her while having sex, but may inhibit her feelings in getting to that point. I haven't looked at your past threads, appologies. Still, is she totally okay with the operation from 10 year ago? Either way, sounds like with a breakup and reuniting, things may still be a tad rocky. Are there still issues to work through as a result of that episode? Link to comment
revelation27 Posted February 13, 2007 Author Share Posted February 13, 2007 yea we have issues just like any other relationship but things are a bit different this go around and she said 2 days ago i like the way things are now with us i am very happy i am too i am very happy but just that 1 lil minor problem and if i gotta go on with this relationship with no sex at all then so be it i care about her and dont wnat her to be uncomfortable Link to comment
CarnelianButterfly Posted February 13, 2007 Share Posted February 13, 2007 How do you initiate sex? Do you make it into a romantic affair with candles, massage and such? As she is older it can be that you aren't doing enough foreplay to get her warmed up and really interested in sex. If you just nudge her and say "I'm horny" of course you're going to get the brush off. Link to comment
revelation27 Posted February 13, 2007 Author Share Posted February 13, 2007 LOL no i dont just come up to her say ok i want some i know that wouldnt work....but i do try foreplay and she stops me quick guess she knows what im trying to do....she doesnt really get me the opportunity to try to get her in the mood Link to comment
Ash Posted February 13, 2007 Share Posted February 13, 2007 When you're in your 40s, foreplay could also be considered cooking dinner, washing the dishes, cleaning the house and taking out the trash. Seriously. That's the sort of thing that makes her think you're worth it! If nothing else, that might serve to temporarily pull the attention away from other issues that might be existing. Then of course, you can proceed to the romantic stage. Link to comment
revelation27 Posted February 13, 2007 Author Share Posted February 13, 2007 ok now im even more confused hehe i thought i was doing some things right guess i have alot to learn here Link to comment
CarnelianButterfly Posted February 13, 2007 Share Posted February 13, 2007 If she has to cook dinner, clean the dishes, clean the house, laundry and all of this after a day of work, sex is not going to be an option. She just won't have the energy. When you do have sex is it on the weekends after a day of rest? Link to comment
revelation27 Posted February 13, 2007 Author Share Posted February 13, 2007 well we dont live together so i cant do all those things for her....it just happens its never on a set day or time it just happens sometimes last time was on a weekday during the day after doing a bunch of errands Link to comment
revelation27 Posted February 13, 2007 Author Share Posted February 13, 2007 well i guess i need to learn new ways to make her happy and arouse her so if u have any tips give me some Link to comment
shes2smart Posted February 13, 2007 Share Posted February 13, 2007 When you're in your 40s, foreplay could also be considered cooking dinner, washing the dishes, cleaning the house and taking out the trash. Seriously. That's the sort of thing that makes her think you're worth it! As a 42 year old chick, I second that. Getting home from work and finding the dishes & laundry done and put away is a turn on because it's less crap I have to do. Link to comment
cantexplain Posted February 13, 2007 Share Posted February 13, 2007 In a past thread you said she was molested as a child. That would seem to be key to the current problem. Has she had therapy for that? If this is the case you will have to show an unusual level of compassion and patience about this issue. I know it is very hard. I've been there. My thinking is go ahead and make a sacrifice relating to your conversation about your need for sex - this imbalance between her current drive and yours. Take the advice of one of the above posters and show romantic, friendly, respectful, and intimate feelings but not sexual. Do this as long as it takes. You see, when she was abused she had no choice. She needs to have the choice. So back off, show love, and I bet the affection will slowly build. And let her build it in a way that works for both of you. Stop talking sex. Link to comment
Ash Posted February 13, 2007 Share Posted February 13, 2007 Perhaps she needs to initiate so she doesn't have the sensation of it being like when she was molested and wasn't given a choice. It needs thereforeeee to start off in her head in the right way. Starting by touching her physically is likely to invoke some of those very early feelings she's likely learned to hate. Link to comment
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