SHY GUYS: Who raised you?

[Weeblie]

Thats exactly like me! If I am alone, which most of the time I am, I do get shy..If I am with a group of people then I am not shy at all..It just sucks being alone all the time.

 

That's funny, I'm the exact opposite. If I'm alone with a person, I'm can talk forever. But add a couple more people I clam up. I only feel comfortable in groups when I've gotten to know all the people in the group.

[88cookie]

So you are only shy around girls but not guys?

 

 

much more so, if i started a new class its easy for me to talk to some guy cuz i mean we atleast have one thing in common (gender). but like girl wise im not gonna be all open and whatnot out of nowhere. say like walking around in the mall, im def. not outgoing enough to just go up to talk to someone. i met a girl and talked to her a lot and somehow we just click well and it made me a little more open about stuff like that. now ive been in an actual relationship for about a month and she is on a much higher level looks-wise and normally id never say anything to her in public, but we are really good together so i def. dont look back to how i was growing up. during like high school i never really dated at all (shyness def. not the only reason why) but most of my friends could relate to what im talknig about im not a convo starter with someone i dont know.

[EvaGina]

I have to say, all the shy guys i have met have been first-borns.

[Leonhart]

I am a shy male and as you postulated, I too, was raised by my mom. She remarried only a year after she left my dad, but I was never close to my step-dad at all. My mom and I were - and still are - very close, almost like good friends. So I think that had some bearing on my extreme shyness.

 

But she was never possessive or even all that over-protective with me, so that part does not apply to me. Hope that helps.

[Alabama]

My shyness wasn't caused by either my sister or parents; it was society. I developed, especially in middle school, an inferiority complex and shyness due to being made fun of as a kid, for no apparent reason. Luckily my life has gotten a lot better since then, but I'm still trying to recover.

[scotty77]

Both the school and home environments were difficult for me.I was small and sensitive [not a good combination to succeed in junior high and high school]so those days weren't a whole lot of fun.I guess I can take some small comfort in the fact that while I am of only average hieght now I am well built from partaking in the sports that I love.

[Altruist]

... average hieght now I am well built from partaking in the sports that I love.

 

Has partaking in sports helped you to overcome your shyness? I suppose you get to interact with a lot of people during sporting activities.

[Caterina]

I'm a first born and I'm also very shy. Our Mother was a dominant figure in the household although our father was certainly not absent. Two of my siblings are very outgoing and my brother and myself are very shy. We also tend to be the more intellectual types (comparitively speaking) in the family.

[Caterina]

My shyness wasn't caused by either my sister or parents; it was society. I developed, especially in middle school, an inferiority complex and shyness due to being made fun of as a kid, for no apparent reason. Luckily my life has gotten a lot better since then, but I'm still trying to recover.

 

I agree with you on this...I think that is what also caused my shyness.

[Altruist]

I'm a first born and I'm also very shy. Our Mother was a dominant figure in the household although our father was certainly not absent. Two of my siblings are very outgoing and my brother and myself are very shy. We also tend to be the more intellectual types (comparitively speaking) in the family.

 

Hmmm, have you ever thought that you might not actually be shy but are just quiet and reserved (perhaps because of your intellectual nature i.e you would perhaps rather be reading than talking/engaging in outdoor activities)?

 

Which brings me to another question, is there any strong link between shyness and intellect?

 

Thanks for all the responses so far!

[Caterina]

Hmmm, have you ever thought that you might not actually be shy but are just quiet and reserved (perhaps because of your intellectual nature i.e you would perhaps rather be reading than talking/engaging in outdoor activities)?

 

Which brings me to another question, is there any strong link between shyness and intellect?

 

Thanks for all the responses so far!

 

It may be circular but I think its a causal relationship from how you're treated by society. As a child, I was horridly treated by other children (and also adults) for the way I looked/acted. I think as a result I turned to books and other curiosity-seeking activities. I'm not quiet or reserved around friends. I'm specifically socially anxious because of strong memories of facing distinct unacceptance in large groups of people. As far as a correlation...I think that often people who weren't accepted socially tend to be deeper thinkers...but this is based only on personal experience, not any type of logical deduction.

[Daddy Bear]

(3) a dominant older brother/sister who is opinionated, arrogant and loves to have the last say could also cause the younger siblings to become withdrawn and grow up to be shy and introverted.

Defo applies here. After moving to another state from my brother's, my shyness went away completely. Could be a connec.

[CarnelianButterfly]

Defo applies here. After moving to another state from my brother's, my shyness went away completely. Could be a connec.

The less I see my brother the happier I am. Same for my Dad. My Mom encourages me to do anything.

[stopit]

(1) there is a strong corelation between whether you were brought up by a single mother, a single father, or both parents.

(2) shyness is related to how possessive the parent was during the child's formative years

(3) a dominant older brother/sister who is opinionated, arrogant and loves to have the last say

 

I've been raised by my mother, with an emotionally absent father somewhere in my life picture. I've very awkward and terribly shy. I'd say reasons 1, 2 and 3 apply (I'm the youngest), yet there are a number of other reasons out there:

 

4) School environment (as other posters have said).

5) Exposure to the real world. My parents weren't really protective of me. But due to safety and language barriers (expat), I haven't had much interaction with the community outside my school/home. I remember at 10 or so when I was in the States ordering a sandwhich at Subway, I was nervous. Nervous! Pretty pathetic. I still feel iffy around strangers just because I haven't had much exposure to the real world (I'm 17 now).

6) Natural vs. technological childhood environment. I can't really speak for the natural side (by this I mean the person as a child went hiking on weekends, played in the field and backyard a lot, had a pet, lived outdoors more than indoors, engaged in outdoor physical activities such as soccer and swimming). I was raised in the technological side, meaning I was raised mostly by TV and Nintendo. I was a couch potato, rarely exposed to open daylight, lol. I played on my game console for hours - really bad for my development, it turns out. So when I should have been developing social skills (and motor skills), I was glued to the TV, either watching nonsense cartoons or playing unlimited hours of video games. I remember when I was five, I preferred playing with my Nintendo than playing with friends. There was one time when my neighbor even came physically into my house, and I was still playing away at the games. Wish someone would have stopped me...

 

7. 8. 9... There are a ton of reasons. You can't simplify it down to a main three or four. Everyone's situation is different. You might as well look at whether the person was breastmilked or given formula as a baby. Domestic violence may factor in. Genetics. Culture. Single-sex schooling vs. coed. Personality traits (which are affected by genetics and environment). Etc.

 

 

NOw that you mention it Weeblie, it looks like a single decision to become less chatty can actually drive one towards shyness (perhaps its more of introversion). I have heard other guys saying almost the same thing. One guy admitted that he became quiet and reserved after being admonished too many times by his mother for being the home 'clown'.

 

I'd say it wasn't a conscious decision, but rather the effect of being admonished. I used to be chatty when I was really young (before middle school). Reason being I was uninhibited. I had little to no social awareness (I hit developmental milestones very late in life). And then I got picked on by my peers and became painfully self-aware. Young children (as in toddlers) talk without inhibition, without awareness of the world (completely natural) and as they grow up, they learn one way or another the concept of "self" and the concept of "others." I'd say the way we go about learning this has an impact on our perception of self later on, and hence shyness.

[Altruist]

^ I agree completely.

[pacman]

I grew up as an only child with an over controling father and very caring mother. I didnt do the normal things like play baseball, soccer, ect. as I didnt take much interest in sports because my father never bothered to teach me them.

 

Even though I am fully capable socially today (ie I dont have what you would call social anxiety) I am still always known as the quiet one in whatever group I may be in. I think alot of it has to do with not being around alot of my peers outside of school at an early age.

[Luke Skywalker]

I was raised AND STILL LIVE WITH, my mother and my dad. My mom is dominant, but rightly so, she pays for all the bills and mortgage in the house and is helping me out while I try to get on me feet selling homes.

 

She is a spiritually authoratative figure in my life, and I'm both financially, spiritually and to some extent emotionally dependent on her for moral support on some decisions. As others have said, perhaps I enjoy the comfort and security of this living arrangement, and why not, I'd hate to worry about where my next cheque is coming from to pay the rent and bills.

 

Another thing about me, I'm an only child, and was never a popular kid at school - if I was popular it was in an academic sense or I was a nerdy brainer. It turned out that I stopped looking for peer approval from Grade 5 and compensated by just sticking with the books. I always tended to ask for permission for people to play with me (i.e. "Do you want to play with me?" Do you want to be my friend?, etc...)

And for some reason or another didn't quite seem to fit in, but had a few close friends.

 

I identify with my childhood character and still seem to be the same way, except on the books/academic side, where something fell through the cracks during university....but anyway, there you have it.

[Delphi]

I was born when my parents were young, so they were still kind of starting out in life. So during my early childhood I got moved around a lot from rental house to rental house... I went through six elementry schools all around the area. So I never really came up with a group of kids for more than a year or two, I was always trying to build new friendships.

 

Then in the sixth grade I was pulled out of school to be homeschooled, and we moved again. I never really rebuilt any social circles, and went through my teenage years without interacting with anyone my own age. My parents were together up till I was 19, but they both worked full time and had active social lives outside of the home, so a lot of my time was spent watching my younger sisters (who were in school). I was pretty much self-educated, and probably spent too much time trying to take care of everyone else in my family.

 

Kind of a recipe for introversion, though it doesn't really synch up with the theories put forth in the first post.

[fredericvo]

I was raised by both parents and am very introverted.

I think it is purely genetic.I was BORN shy.

[Altruist]

I was raised by both parents and am very introverted.

I think it is purely genetic.I was BORN shy.

 

Were they overprotective?

[shadowcat]

i hope this helps:

 

i grew up with both parents, my dad was more liberal, he let me do anyhting, but then there was my mom. she never let me out, kept me in, if my friends came over shed always think they were bad influence...

 

so i was never around anybody growing up, only at skool..so i blame that on the fact that im shy..i could done alot in my adolesense

[Leonhart]

Shyness is about as genetic as it is environmental. Studies of identical twins have shown this, even when reared apart, they tend to be more shy and alike than non-identical twins raised together. For better your worse, your genes influence your disposition a lot. I find I'm becoming more and more like my dad every day.

 

And unfortunately, BOTH of my parents are quite shy. So it's only natural I be somewhat shy myself. But I'm probably less introverted than they are, only due to desire to change that.

[John14087]

My mom died when i was 4. I was raised by my dad. SHY AS HELL!!!!

[Khollest]

I had both my parents growing up (and still). My Mother owned and ran an in home day-care center so in addition to the 4 children that actually lived there, there was an additional 6-10. The point, the attention I got from my mother seemed diluted, I could sense this even when I was 3 years old. I have no doubts that my mother loved me, that was never an issue. My father is devoted to his family and such works long hours to support our futures. He was around a a lot in elementary school but didn't spend a lot of time with me, mostly my younger sister and (older)brother. Work conditions changed in middle school and he was out-of-state 6 days of the week and did a lot of damage control when he was home. I resolved to do what I always did, stay out of the way and produce or front as few problems as I could manage.

 

My father always mentions me as the kid that didn't need to be there to have a good time. How I could play on my own for hours without out-side attention. Every time he says this I immediately think about a home video from the late 80s, I was probably 4 or 5. Its a video of my bother and sisters playing in our pool, splashing, playing, laughing and the alike. Then, about 15 minutes into the video my mother asks where is and the camera pans over to me in the sand box, alone, where I apparently had been for the last hour quietly playing. I don't know why but thinking about that makes me sad, seeing myself alone, then thinking about how the following 16-17 years will follow suit.

 

My family can be described as having two middle children, me and my older sister. My older brother is a athletic socialite, always something going on, turned down home-coming/prom king. Always had friends and or girlfriends over. My older sister took the torch as the acting-out middle child and ran with it, long and hard. While she did make the decisions she had made, I think people have become overly critical of her recently and this has hurt her. My younger sister is much like my older brother, an athletic socialite with friends and the alike. At some point in their lives everyone in my family has done some degree of modeling too. What I am getting at here is my family is chalk full of bright stars (if you will) in a similar manner to my parents they both were athletic socialites.

 

I think I am the family anomaly. The child my parents couldn't figure out. I didn't (and still don't) really care about sports. Social interaction was (and still is) only mildly interesting to me. I would be tested to have an IQ off the charts, subsequently, the results were sealed from me. I was tested in 1993, 95, 96, 98, 99, 01, 02. I saw the results for the 96 test last year when I was assisting my parents move-out. It was a 191.

 

So here I am. I am now 22. I am very shy under certain circumstances. For example, I can be stupid or say do something just crazy if a couple conditions are met. 1) Do these actions have an physical implication's for the involved parties? 2) Will I have to deal with the involved parties at a later time? 3) Could the actions I imposed have prolonged repercussions beyond the initial or expected duration? If all three answer with a "no" then chances are that I will do it but, they are rarely all no.

 

Its not that I don't want to do anything its just that I have no ability to on-the-spot decipher the codes that you women throw. This might be an example of how strangely my brains works, like how if I don't understand something my brain will chew on it for an extremely long period of time until I do get it. For and example for how long, in 8th (1998) grade a really nice girl was flirting with me. I didn't figure it out until after I graduated in 2002. In a similar manner, a couple years ago I just figured out that a girl my senior year was into me.

 

So, that was long. I am not sure if it answers any of your questions so, yeah. Any questions feel free to ask.

[Altruist]

Thanks a lot for the insight Khollest. I'm sorry you had o go through such a lonely childhood. Your experiences are quite different from the norm which may reinforce what some previous posts suggested: that there is also a genetic influence associated with shyness (although I think yours is more of introversion).

 

In my opinion, introversion can be genetically predisposed and is strongly corelated with high IQ ( Wikipedia) as in your case.

 

On the other hand you may have become withdrawn as a defence mechanism by your subconscious to protect you from the pain of having to rely on your mother's limited attention. Your subconscious adjusted so that you could internalize most of your feelings and channel them towards a stronger cognitive ability. I think its almost analogous to the example I gave in one of my responses above where I mentioned that there was a guy who became shy and introverted after being chastised continually by his mother for being the home clown.

 

Introverts find it hard to quickly pick up subtle and sometimes even overt signals from others as evidenced by the examples you gave.

 

What's your social life like now? I wish you the best in your social interactions