Recently accepted the NC challenge

[MasterT]

So here's my story. 2.5 years of being with my girlfriend, and one day she just randomly decides that our differences in religion are a problem and breaks up with me. Odd, because I never had a problem with her beliefs, and she never seemed to mind mine.

 

A few days later we reconcile our religious differences and try again, only to fail again a day later, this time for reasons unknown. I of course went the stupid route and tried to persuade her to come back. I sang her a song about us, and devalued myself trying to convince her that we should be together.

 

Fast forward 3 days later. She comes by and picks up an archive of photos of us from my computer. She doesn't give a good reason why she wants them, but she does.

 

It wasn't long (about a day or two) before I ran accross this forum and decided to accept the challenge! So I've been in NC mode for about 2 days thus far. It sucks, but hey I'm up for it.

 

Yesterday there was unintentional contact however. I went to lunch (college), and sat at a table. She noticed me and just stood there staring at me. Not a word left her lips. I only saw her through the corner of my eye, because I didn't want to seem like I wanted her back, and I focused on reading a document I had been reading for the past hour, while listening to my iPod.

 

She must of stood there at least 3 minutes before she left.

 

So I can keep the NC...I've started an exercise program, I'm going to start working on my tan (shouldn't be hard, I'm naturally tan), and I've started taking new activities. I've also started hanging out with another girl, but I don't know if I want to take it to the next level since we've been friends for so long.

 

So guys, I'm on NC now. What do you suggest, and what do you think of that random encounter?

[Orlander]

My girlfriend of 4 years left me over religious differences about a year and a half ago. I should have initiated NC right then insted of being led for 6 months thinking we might get back together.

 

Keep doing NC. If the relationship isnt valuable enough to her to work on without breakup up, then it never will be.

 

Stay strong and you will find someone better.

 

 

Orlander

[Scout]

Hmmm...not all of us are necessarily on the NC bandwagon around here. It is NOT an all-purpose method to dealing with a break up because just like every relationship is different, so are the reasons for break ups.

 

Now, in my experience, the middle ground often yields more results, or at least more insight, than going to the extreme does. You don't have to debase yourself by pleading for a return, and you don't have to inflict pain on yourself by immediately going into NC with no understanding and no closure.

 

We're talking about the end of a two-year relationship here. If I was you, and if someone "randomly" broke up with me after two years, I would need to talk - and listen - to them. Not necessarily to get back together, although I might hope for that eventually. What I would need to understand is the feelings they were experiencing that led up to this. Even if I didn't necessarily agree with or immediately understand those feelings, it would be a good first step.

[MasterT]

Actually that was something we did before I initiated the NC. I gathered very little valuable information from her.

[Ellie2006]

Hi there,

Welcome to ENA!

Those random run-ins are tough BUT please do try to disregard them as best as you can. Hard as it may be, do try to resist the urge to analyze the chance meetings, the occasional texts/emails/phone calls/IMs you may receive because this take away your focus from YOU and YOUR healing.

 

NC is tough but it does help.

 

Hang in there!

And please know we're here to support you and help you power through NC.

 

Take care!

[Caterina]

It sounds like you are doing the right thing> What were the religious differences if you don't mind my asking?

[Scout]

Actually that was something we did before I initiated the NC. I gathered very little valuable information from her.

 

I totally understand, but remember, emotions are raw and upset right after a break up, so it's hard to get the information you need right then. All I'm saying is that maybe in a few weeks or even a month or so, both of you might have calmed down enough to talk in a more non-confrontational manner about things.

 

Either way, I do wish you luck and sympathize with what you're going through. You will definitely find support and empathy here.

 

Quick question, did the issue of your religious differences come up shortly before your break up in some way? Or had it ever come up before, no matter how seemingly insignificant at the time?

[Ellie2006]

I totally understand, but remember, emotions are raw and upset right after a break up, so it's hard to get the information you need right then. All I'm saying is that maybe in a few weeks or even a month or so, both of you might have calmed down enough to talk in a more non-confrontational manner about things.

 

I agree.

So do all that you can to heal right now and perhaps you can readdress the issue together when you've both gained some perspective on the situation.

 

Good luck!

[isidore]

The most amazing thing about what you wrote was that you were able to continue your reading and lunch without acknowledging her. I don't think I could've been that strong, In fact I know I couldn't have. You're off to a good start.

[MasterT]

Religious differences. She's atheist and I'm Catholic. She knew I was Catholic from the get go. The sudden issue with religion happened as we broke up. She never addressed or seemed to care before.

 

Thanks isidore. I'm trying.

 

Unfortunately we go to the same college and use the same facilities, so NC is even more a challenge. I've managed to run into her twice today. The first time she started talking to me, so I said "hi" and then continued to ignore her and return to reading. She walked away. As I left and went back to my dorm I saw her sitting down on a bench on the way. It was too late to turn away without making things obvious, so I kept going. She waved, I just ignored her and kept going.

 

The fortunate part is her schedule is predictable, so I can time things so that I can minimize contact with her.

[Wandering_Sword]

The first time she started talking to me, so I said "hi" and then continued to ignore her and return to reading. She walked away. As I left and went back to my dorm I saw her sitting down on a bench on the way. It was too late to turn away without making things obvious, so I kept going. She waved, I just ignored her and kept going.

 

 

I think if she does stuff like that (waving or saying hello) its better that you do the bare minimum i.e. wave back or say hello with a smile and continue along your way. Strict NC especially in close vicinity like that is not really possible, plus it makes you look less angry with the whole situation if you do the bare minimums.

[MasterT]

The difficulty I see in even doing the bare minimum is that then she'll try to engage in conversation, something that I do not want to start. Not during the NC.

[TijuanaJones]

Religious differences. She's atheist and I'm Catholic. She knew I was Catholic from the get go. The sudden issue with religion happened as we broke up. She never addressed or seemed to care before.

 

Sounds like what my ex did to me... she wanted to break up with me to be with this other guy she dreamt about in high school, and she didn't have a good enough reason, so she invented some stupid excuse to do it and not feel guilty... the main reason was that I didnt let her smoke in my car or put her feet on the dashboard (its a brand new car!).

Also she said that I was to ambitious because I want to buy a house... Im 28 for God's sake! Im SUPPOSED to have a house someday!

 

pffft!, So don't worry, what that tells me is that you are a nice guy with no major flaws, so she had to make one up for her sake... you should feel good about yourself...

[MasterT]

Sounds like what my ex did to me... she wanted to break up with me to be with this other guy she dreamt about in high school, and she didn't have a good enough reason, so she invented some stupid excuse to do it and not feel guilty... the main reason was that I didnt let her smoke in my car or put her feet on the dashboard (its a brand new car!).

Also she said that I was to ambitious because I want to buy a house... Im 28 for God's sake! Im SUPPOSED to have a house someday!

 

pffft!, So don't worry, what that tells me is that you are a nice guy with no major flaws, so she had to make one up for her sake... you should feel good about yourself...

 

Too ambitious? Is that even possible? I would think being ambitious would be a good thing, especially since you were planning a future, a house. Thanks for the complement. I feel very good about myself as of current actually. The ironic thing is that this break up has boosted my confidence to a level it's never been at before. Sure it's still early for me to be saying that, but it's true. I feel more secure of myself, more confident, and far more attractive.

 

This isn't saying I don't miss what I had with her of course, just that I've been doing a lot of self-improvement

 

EDIT: Yep that last statement was definitely not what I meant to say. Now it is.

[TijuanaJones]

Too ambitious? Is that even possible? I would think being ambitious would be a good thing, especially since you were planning a future, a house. Thanks for the complement. I feel very good about myself as of current actually. The ironic thing is that this break up has boosted my confidence to a level it's never been at before. Sure it's still early for me to be saying that, but it's true. I feel more secure of myself, more confident, and far more attractive.

 

This isn't saying I don't miss what I had with her of course, just that I've been doing a lot of self-improvement

 

EDIT: Yep that last statement was definitely not what I meant to say. Now it is.

 

Im glad you are feeling good!

I know it sounds crazy, but I feel more confident too now that I have gone through a rough patch. I know I deserve better and CAN find someone better... In fact, since my breakup, there are several nice girls that are struggling to get my attention and to go out with me! They realized I am a good catch... even though I was heart-broken I never talked about my ex in a bad way.

 

So, yeah, lets be grateful to them, they set us free...

 

A couple of weeks ago I took a taxi cab and I was feeling like a turd. The taxi driver took a look at me and asked me: "Are you heartbroken or something?" I replied: "yeah haha" he then said: "Well, you gained a lot" I was like: "Uhhh?" he said: "yeah, you lost a girl, but you gained another one, or several, probably even better than the one you lost"

 

That made a lot of sense to me, you see: Life gives you the opportunity to lose, but then gives you unlimited opportunities to try again and win big...

 

I hope this helps... take care!

[MasterT]

Today I'm not really feeling too good. Saw her profile on facebook, and although there was nothing in there that would indicate she's moved on, it still made me feel bad.

 

As a result, I downloaded a plugin for my browser that will block any sites of my choosing, that one being the one I chose for it to block.

 

My confidence is still there, but I feel sad again. Sometimes I just want the feelings to stop. I thought I was stronger than this. Looks like I need more and more time.