What on Earth makes a relationship survive?

[PhilliesFan001]

It's just rambling on my part, I was thinking about it today.

 

I mean really, what makes one relationship work over another? Is there some kind of magical formula that allows two people to stay together for 60 years, and another two to break up after 6 days?

 

I've heard every trick in the book from the older generation for making relationships last. Don't have sex until you're married, wait a while before you have kids. Live together first. No, don't live together first. Wait, you should have premarital sex so you know what you're getting. They keep changing their minds.

 

It's confusing. Couples that have sex before marriage get divorced. Couples who wait until they're married get divorced. Couples who have kids straight away break up, and so do couples who wait years. People who dated for 2 months beforehand end up staying together for 55 years, while couples who date for 5 years end up staying married for less than 1.

 

You do one thing, it's no guarantee of success. You do the exact opposite, it's the same deal. You do what feels right to you, it doesn't work. You listen to the advice of others, it screws you over.

 

Is it just me, or does it seem like relationships are a total crapshoot?

[JoeWho]

If anyone had the answer to this question, they surely would be able to make more money than Bill Gates!!!

[sidehop]

I think the bottom line, it comes down to that couple.

 

How much they are willing to work hard everyday to keep that relationship alive and passionate like the first day they met. Relationship whether it's long-term or marriage takes A LOT of work. People are happy and giddy when they first meet because they know by heart you two are inseparable.

 

And from what I've seen, read and heard, relationships fall apart, both long-term and marriage because people lose respect, patience, trust and ultimately love overwhelmed by their everyday life. When you first start dating you're only focusing about your new mate, how to impress them and make him/her happy. That's great and all but people have this idea that once they are in a solid relationship, they think everything will be just fine & stop doing what they did to make their mate happy. Basically take things for granted.

 

I think it takes SO much to make any relationship work. And it takes two which makes it very hard. Otherwise you'll just need to figure out the other person like a robot and feed them what they want!

 

It's a full-time job is all I can say. Whether you like the job or not. Or else, it just doesn't work.

 

I don't think of it as an obligation but the hardest part for me is to come up with something creative and let her know how much she means to me. And sometimes it just takes only a little, even a small comment to make her smile. Love is great but it doesn't grow on its own.

[Jetta]

It's called Commitment. They commit to making their marriage work, or just plain refuse to divorce under any circumstances.

 

The ones who make it work do things like: decide to woo their partner throughout their life; send flowers/jewlery, date their partner regularly. \\ Things to keep their partner feeling special. That was my parents.

 

My mom's parents just stuck it out in a bad relationship (infidelity, abuse, alcoholism). Maybe it was the stigma of divorce that kept them married. The did break up once and date others but reunited and stayed married until death having 5 more children that includes my mom. That's the example my mom uses for me. Saying I should have stuck it out rather than divorce. I think she's right on the 2nd marriage, I should have choose to stay.

 

Oh yeah that's the other thing. It's all a choice. You choose to work through the issues or choose not to. The problem is choosing not to just gives you more to work through with the next person usually.

 

I will add: Marry for love, not for any other reason. Because you can reflect on those loving feelings when the going gets tough and there will be tough times in every relationship.

[DN]

As far as making a marriage last I would say one thing that really helps is to remember your wedding vows and try your hardest to live up to them.

[Dako]

I think both people have to believe in the value of the relationship,

and really care about the other person, even during hard times.

 

Like I have a clue...

Pffft.

[friscodj]

I think in general relationship are about balance, balance between intimacy, closeness, space, giving and receiving support, making sacrifices, laughing and crying, etc.

 

The problem is when something is unbalanced either to huge degree and/or for a large amount of time. This is relative to what you can handle, i.e., your comfort level and "breaking point" with such things.

 

I think it is important to identify and operate within each other's definitions and limits of zones of needs being met and fulfillment. It takes sustained perception of this, focus, and mutual work to do this. Sometimes, we push ours outside of our natural boundaries or personalities in the name of compromising ourselves thinking this will make the relationship work. In those cases, the two of you are not a good fit, and nothing you can do will make it right. People fake it, kid themselves, and can do this for a while but in time either an end to the relationship comes or the imbalance is manifested in other ways, e.g., cheating, abuse, suppressed misery, etc.

[melrich]

I think balance is a very important point. So is commitment. So is mutual respect. So is realising that good relationships take work. So is romance.

 

But you can do or try all of that and it is still no guarrantee. Some people just don't work together and that may not be immediately obvious. That may take 3 months/a year/5 years etc to figure out.

[isidore]

Lots and lots of luck can't hurt. I often think that you can pour your whole heart into a relationship, focus on making them happy, don't take them for granted, communicate your own feelings regularly, and it can still end easily.

 

Maybe luck and chance factors into the continuation of a relationship to a higher degree than many people would be comfortabe admitting. That being said, trying your utmost, and giving your whole heart is still important. That way, if you still end up kicked in the groin by Fortune you can at least have the small reassurance that you gave it your staunchest effort.

[talo]

I mean really, what makes one relationship work over another?

 

Effective communication and listening, and an open heart and mind.

 

Really, what matters? Is it not respect, tolerance, appreciation, and the like... How many of us have this when we go into our first relationship... or even our last....

[TrustNoMore]

Two people who came to the realization on their own, though alot of pain and disappointment, that the grass in not greener anywhere else and they need to work on what they have to make it the best it can be.

 

Not just the relationship but themselves also. Finding others like that who are mature and honest and trustworthy is not an easy thing.