Little Problem -- I Don't Trust Anyone

[TheSmilingTurnip]

I just figured something out about myself today. I don't trust anyone. I can't think of a single person that I trust implicitly, outside of one person. That's it. Before I was cheated on, I trusted people way more. Not just in romantic relationships, but in every relationship.

 

Is this what insecurity is? Now I find myself giving no one a chance to be honest. I'm always looking for lies and reading between the lines.

 

Has anyone else been through this and how do you get around/over it?

[HellFrost666]

I trust very few people. And the people I trust had to earn it. It's not really a bad thing. Just don't use it as a reason to be a jerk to everyone.

[hosswhispra]

Go with your instincts as they usually have substance and validity. But also know that while smartly guarding your heart, there are good people in this world.

[J6hn]

You don't have to trust straight away.

 

What you need is someone who is very open about most aspects in their life and wont hide things from you. If you don't find someone already like that, find someone who truly appeals to you and build a relationship on communication and truth between the two of you. Be honest and they should be in return.

 

Things in the past really do dictate how we treat things in the future, but that doesn't mean it has to be forever. Look for the good in people, it usually outweighs the negative aspects which you really shouldn't focus on.

 

Next time you feel like you're missing something, ask.

Next time you feel like someone might be doing something against you, focus on the good in them.

[Crackerjakk]

I don't trust anyone either. There are certain things that I will not tell anyone. Eventually, most people will screw you over if they have the chance and the motivation. I think it's good to not be trusting of others.

[Dako]

I don't trust anyone who gives me reason to doubt them, but we all trust people to some degree, or we'd cease functioning.

 

You enter a crowded freeway trusting that the majority won't hit you. Sure a bonehead will cut you off, but not everyone will. You eat in a restaurant assuming there's a minor risk of botulin in the salad bar.

You get tires installed and trust them to seat the valve stems correctly.

 

When my wife left, I didn't trust anyone, but after a while, I tired of being paranoid. It's exhausting.

[caro33]

I think that trust does come back, but maybe never 100%. And to be honest, maybe 100% trust is dangerous anyway. Even if people don't mean ill, they make mistakes sometimes, they act selfishly sometimes. Sometimes the way someone meets their needs goes against our needs and they choose to not see it, or they just don't see things our way.

 

There are people who are worthy of your trust, just as you can be worthy of theirs. I guess the "trick" if there is one, is to act worthy of trust, evaluate people carefully, and not take too many risks with people before they have had a chance to show that they respect your needs and can be trusted. And then there's luck

 

I had my trust crushed completely, but managed to get back on the horse and I have found someone brimful with integrity. I'll never be like I was before, but hey, I'm doing fine and my attitude has actually improved in other ways. Being betrayed and having to depend on yourself also teaches you that you can handle things - it builds resilience.

 

I'm sorry, but that statement you made Crackerjakk just seems bitter and close-minded to me. I doubt people give that much of a damn as to specifically seek to screw any one of us over to the degree you imply. Anyway, some people do have character and integrity - you just have to know how to identify them and to make yourself open (enough) to them. And perhaps not get unlucky over time, as Dako and I seem to have been. People change, lives change, but you kind of have to risk it to reap any benefits from social interaction.

[renaissancewoman101]

I've been burned too many times in my life by people who were supposed to be there for me (my mother comes to mind readily) to really trust people. Most times I go into things having the mindset that someone is going to hurt me sooner or later and when that happens, it isnt as hurtful to me as if I just went into something just blindly trusting someone.

 

For example, my somewhat best friend. We've known each other for almost 14 years. He's done MANY things over the years to hurt my trust in him, with the exception that he's never completely left me. I've come to the point that when I do things with him and ask him to do something for me, I just dont expect that he will come through. If he does, I'm happy. If he doesn't, I kinda expected that.

[caro33]

But guys would you take anyone else seriously if they made a general rule to apply to all society based on one, two or a handful of examples? We all have had bad luck of some sort at some point, and some more than others. But it's not really something that can be turned into a general rule, unless the real issue lies with you. Sorry to sound harsh, but if someone is consistently let down by others over a long period of time I wonder if the problem is more in their expectations of themselves and others, and their choice of people to trust.

 

Anyway, I agree that trusting is difficult, but I struggle to see the personal benefit that comes from entering each interaction or relationship expecting the worst. As far as I can tell, the worst is then given carte blanche to just come in and wreck the place.

[TheSmilingTurnip]

Thank you all. I never wanted to be one of those people whose bad breakup makes them bitter or isolated because they now can't trust anyone.

 

What it feels like is an inability to relax and just go with the flow on things. Like I find a nice friend, and we have this great friendship, and I keep thinking about the day she's going to do something to break my trust or something.

 

Or the nice guy that I met. I constantly am looking for him to lie. It's like a reflex; I am trying to relax though. I just want to let go and go with the flow.

[caro33]

I think that if you keep trying it will reduce over time. It certainly did for me. Like I said, maybe you'll never quite trust as you did before, but maybe that's just an expected side effect of living life.

 

Good luck, if you've met a nice guy try and be gentle on yourself, and on him too. My guy seems to cope with my occasional paranoia quite well, and his calm demeanour and constant honesty and reliability have made me far more relaxed.

[Kalika]

If you have faith in your strength and your ability to get by, trusting becomes less of an issue. Sure, there will be people in your life that will hurt, manipulate, or deceive you. Not trusting others isn't just about them; it's about your inability to trust yourself to make good judgments when it comes to people. Try to have faith in yourself and your instincts, and your ability to overcome that which is inevitable..

[TheSmilingTurnip]

If you have faith in your strength and your ability to get by, trusting becomes less of an issue. Sure, there will be people in your life that will hurt, manipulate, or deceive you. Not trusting others isn't just about them; it's about your inability to trust yourself to make good judgments when it comes to people. Try to have faith in yourself and your instincts, and your ability to overcome that which is inevitable..

 

this really makes a lot of sense. I truly don't trust myself to pick well; the last one I picked was a hot, steaming mess and I ignored a lot of red flags, which came back to bite me in the rear end later on.

[Kalika]

Phreckle

 

Boy, do I understand how you feel.. Honestly, I do.. All my boyfriends have cheated, except for one, and he was a pathological liar. For a long time after the pathological liar (whom I thought was normal!!) I didn't date any more because I realized, I can't handle it. The constant barrage of losers.

 

I don't trust myself to choose wisely either, and it does make it harder to trust others as a result. I don't have tons of self confidence or anything.. But what I have realized is that as I've gotten older, I've also become less eager to throw my heart into it. I know that if I get cheated on again, I'll kick his dumb butt to the curb and I'll be okay. I know that if I'm being manipulated, abused, or lied to, it wont last long! In short, I'm starting to trust myself to make the good decisions I need to make even if bad things (or bad people) happen to me.

 

Anyways, I hope this helps somewhat.. Be kind to yourself, as you would be to a frustrated friend who was having difficulty trusting others. We all make mistakes but we learn from them.

[TheSmilingTurnip]

I guess that one thing I'm kind of missing is the ability to throw my heart into it and not worry; I'm just not that free anymore. I'm not willing to throw my heart into anything; I can't even imagine doing that! lol. People used to automatically have my trust, now they don't. And, yeah, if someone turns out to be a loser, I'll kick them to the curb more easily.

[Kalika]

I guess that one thing I'm kind of missing is the ability to throw my heart into it and not worry; I'm just not that free anymore. I'm not willing to throw my heart into anything; I can't even imagine doing that! lol. People used to automatically have my trust, now they don't. And, yeah, if someone turns out to be a loser, I'll kick them to the curb more easily.

 

Yeah!! I totally totally hear that. I haven't been in love in years, mostly because now I look at the guy, nitpick everything about him that I don't like, and then decide he's not for me. Honestly, this usually doesn't turn out bad.. It keeps me away from guys I know are not right for me .. but sometimes I wish I could be one of those people that dates someone for a month and is "completely, ridiculously in love".. but alas, that's not my nature..

 

I don't think there's anything wrong with being more "practical" about giving your heart to someone.. I mean, rushing into things does not usually work out well for 99% of the population. I'm sure that one day though, you will find someone .. a really, truly kind person that treats others well.. that you can open up to, and not be afraid..

 

Anyhoo, I think we're twins!

[TheSmilingTurnip]

Yep, I think you might be right! I'm dating this new guy and I like him a little more each day. I noticed he has trust issues too...so he's also cautious but he's less cautious than me. Anyway, this new guy is not a serial cheater, that I know of. We'll see.

[Kalika]

Yep, I think you might be right! I'm dating this new guy and I like him a little more each day. I noticed he has trust issues too...so he's also cautious but he's less cautious than me. Anyway, this new guy is not a serial cheater, that I know of. We'll see.

 

I too am dating a guy who has trust issues (even more proof that we're twins... lol). I'm glad you are liking him more and more. I hope he's worthy of you girl. You have a good head on your shoulders, and I think we'll both be okay in the long run

[confused_lady]

I am exactly the same. I cant trust anyone. I am always trying to find lies and stuff..... and my relationship is damaged by my lack of trust. I just cant ... I am trying to improve though... but I cant...

[TrustNoMore]

If you are always looking for something that is 'wrong' with someone then you will no doubt find it.

 

That alone can destroy the best of relationships. You will end up being very critical of the other person and drive them away.

 

However on the other side of things trust can only be built up over time and with communication. Anyone who goes too fast or says too much too soon cannot be trusted. They dont know who they are, what they want, or have any respect for you.

 

It stinks being cheated on. I have been also. Even when you think you have a trusting person it can happen. The more you know about someone before you get seriously involved with them the better of a chance you will have to be with a trusting person.

 

But its always a risk unfortunately and one that I dont think I can take anymore myself. It would take quite an amazing individual for me to be able to trust again on any meaningful level.

[TheSmilingTurnip]

Your post is sooo timely, you have no idea. I have become aware, through this relationship that I am beginning, that I am having a hard time trusting and I'm discovering exactly why and how it concretely manifests itself. I'm noticing a lot of things actually.

 

I think I probably screwed this one up - accused him of lying when he plainly was not. Oh the idiocy. Ultimately, it's probably for the best. I was starting to repeat some other old patterns too. Like making a guy my higher power. Wrong-o.

 

So I am becoming aware of a bunch of different things and I'm so excited about that, because that means I can change. I don't know about taking the risk again later. We'll see.

[steelsabre]

I am the same as you, my first real love cheated on me... and its had a rippling effect all thrtough my life...

 

Its effected my trust with everyone, i dont know how to deal with it either.

[TheSmilingTurnip]

What I have decided to do, at least on a dating relationship front, is just make a decision that I am going to trust. Whenever I have thoughts or suspicions in my mind that don't seem logical, I try to get them out of my head.