confused about which direction to take..

[RWL68]

.let me start off by saying that I love my girlfriend more than anything, i even bought her a ring a few months ago in the hopes of asking her to marry me. (she's been married twice and has two children).HOWEVER, in the last few weeks i have been bombarded with very disturbing (at least to me) information about her past (herpes,cheating,drug use and promiscuity). Should i ignore the past and accept her for who she is now or should i cut and run?

[ghost69]

well, 'love' can overtake true emotion. you need to look at what you are really looking for. if this past was to happen again, would you want to deal with it? a persons past is their past. yeah, they made mistakes and maybe learned from them. if i found this out about some chick, i'd say see ya. there are other great chicks out there that have no kids and are just looking to take care of a good man with a straight past. if your 'love' for this woman is real and is really love, no quotes on this word, the past shouldn't matter to you. no matter what people say, they don't see what happens behind closed doors. you may never have a bad times with this woman. but i would definitely think about the marriage thing if you have a bunch of questions on your head; which it sounds like you do by your writing.

.......................................................................................................................................................................................

[RooferGirl23]

Wow..and I thought I had a colorful history! Well, there are two types of women I think, one who can be happy with just sleeping with one guy (i.e., perfect for marrige-type) and the other is the type who gets a "high" off of many different partners, reguardles of the sex of the person. My father (of all people) is very much into swinging and swapping, and even she-males. his crazy lifestyle has cost him 3 wives and counting. People that have done anlot of crazy thins (ESPECIALLY one night stands) can never honestly say, "oh, i can stop doing that". no. they like it too much or they would not do it. Look at your girl, been married twice allready. That alone schould be a red flag. She schould never tell you about their penis sizes, that is just plain cruel. I was told once that older women like there sex even more as they age. (im only 25 so i dont know just how true that is)

If i was you, my main worry would be, "will she get bored of me and our sex life beacuse its not all wild and crazy?"

I personally would not marry this woman. I have seen my whole life, that wild sex lives destroy marriages, children, and the happy home life. The choice is yous, think to yourself, 'just how much can i endure?'

[RooferGirl23]

well, like i had ended my last reply, just how much can you endure? and Im sorry, but you have to kinda like what you do in order to like for example, eat another woman out when you are a woman (YUCK as far as im concerned ha ha) And if my guy asked me to do something I did not want to, I told him NO. simple as that. if they got upset, ask someone else I would say.

 

As for the family molestation, I Have been molested by several members myself, and it did NOT lead to a wild life style. I liked being with alot of different guys, what she said was just giving a reason to herself making it "ok" in her mind.

 

we have minds that allow free choice. no one event makes us do others, we do things because we WANT to. sure she may like your sex life now, but what about 10 years from now? one time my guy and i got into a huge fight over sex, and to hurt me he told me that him and his ex wife of 13 years would do it at least 4 times a week. learning that was horrible, and i STILL cant get it outta my head. (since our sex life isnt that often) and now i fear that im getting compaired to her all the time. I cant get it outta my head no matter how hard I try.

 

So, you, as I, know about the past and it hurts. You have to look into YOUR heart, and see if you can get beyond that. tell her to not give you reasons why, just dont do it again. and I can understand about how she may not want to tell you which family member. with me, it was my moms boyfriend. and i kept it a secret for years. when i finally DID come out with it, I was hurt even more because my mom did not even leave the guy until 7 years afetr she found out. so i was hurt even more.

 

I was with alot of people because It made me feel beautiful and wanted. make her feel that way, and she wont dive into temptation. Now Im in a 5 year long relationship, with a guy who works a million hours and never tells me im beautiful. so temptation is so easy to dive into. pay her alot of attention, it may be all she was lacking all those years.

[Jayar]

Sounds to me like she likes drama, including whatever reaction you undoubtedly have to her past (even if you think it's subtle, she is feeding off of it). Nothing but problems. In fact, I'd be surprised if most of what she says is even true. Either way, she isn't marriage material, at least I wouldn't think. Best of luck!

 

Try dating someone SANE, without any colourful past or excessive thirst for drama, and you'll see how nice it can be.

[ghost69]

this whole thing would be a huge problem with me. i would say that she could never be trusted. all this sex stuff that says her husband made her do or asked to do and she did it is garbage. if she cared about herself she wouldn't have done anything. if she has any guts at all she would tell her dad or brother or someone about who touched her in the shower. she is making up excuses for bad things. i wonder how messed up her kids already are and don't know. her family is messed up it sounds too. i would stay out completely and get away from this woman. if you don't want to be hurt, chances are you will. a woman that says she doesn't want to be 'like that' and tells you that your sex is good enough sounds like a lie. this is just based on her past. it's a bad past. i wonder if she told her second husband the same crap. banging a really young guy in a relative's basement. really classy. doesn't sound like her husband made her do that. this is going to be in your head forever. once something like this is burned in your head, it is hard to heal the scar and forget.

........................................................................................................................................................................................

[Rabican]

[quote=RWL68;1442795(the one the other day being the eighth) and she just avoided sex during that time....and she begged me not to be angry or dump her....and that i probably didn't have it because we hadn't had sex in a few days before her flare up because she was on her period......

 

i have no idea what i should do....on the one hand the choice to dump her seems simple, but i am so in love with who she is...(she's a great mom to her kids..she's very loving and caring towards me)...not what she's done in the past.....i am a wreck right now and desperately wanted to see what some impartial people had to say...maybe there's even someone out there who has been through a similar situation...thanks for reading my long winded ramble...

 

The whole herpes thing would have me walking out the door. She is putting your health at risk, and you had every right to know about that. I dont know a whole lot about herpes, but I would be VERY mad if she made the choice to not tell me about it when theres the possibility that you COULD get it from her. She should at least tell you, and then allow to make the call for yourself if you are ok with it or not. Makes me wonder what else she isnt, or wouldnt tell you.

Furthermore, the past is the past... but I tend to think, that its also a pattern of behavior to some extent.... and thats a lot of behavior/ baggage shes trailing around in her past. That would have me concerned. IF you get into a fight with her, is she going to run out and have a one nighter with some 20 year old?

 

If it were me, I would honestly slam the brake pedal on any thoughts of marriage. Maybe stay with her.... but I wouldnt be making it legal thats for sure... at least not yet. How long have you been together?

[ghost69]

most single moms are great to their kids. not all. that is good that she is, but you shouldn't love her for caring for her kids. you need a woman that you can fully trust before you get married. advice: get a pre-nup.

.....................................................................................................................................................................................

[catcion]

The only thing that concerns me is that she waited so long to tell you about the herpes, because she has that in the here and now, and she withheld the info as who she is now. I can understand why she wouldn't tell you initially - if she wasn't having an outbreak you weren't going to get it, and most people we date don't work out, so she probably doesn't want to be broadcasting the info unless it really matters. Not that she should have kept mum, but I can understand her not wanting everyone to find out. But a year with you before telling? I guess once you don't tell, it becomes harder and harder to. I bet she figured that she wasn't risking your health because she wasn't having outbreaks; some people only have a few and then never do again, so it might have seemed like something of a non-issue for a long time.

 

But she should have told you. You have every right to be upset. But how upset do you want to be?

 

Now on to the rest. It's your problem, and you should go talk to someone about your deep-seated insecurities. Everyone has a past, including you, and even if you dump this woman I bet you've had this problem before and will again. Haven't you ever dated younger women? Better looking women? Women who were more exciting in bed? Should every woman you date worry about those past girls, and how they measure up? Haven't you ever been treated like crap by someone, but stuck around anyway because love is a strange thing? Are you the same guy you were at 22, or have you matured and changed? Have you ever slept with someone just to give yourself a boost? Be honest with yourself about what you have done. Even if you've never had a three-way (have you?) i bet you've had some fun she wouldn't want to hear about. Her mistake was in telling you. Seems like you want total honesty, but you reserve the right to punish people for having a past. It's like you want to find an excuse to distance yourself.

 

Why are you insecure about younger guys? Guys with larger penises? Haven't you heard that guys who've been around a bit longer have picked up more skills? And most women will tell you that average size is just fine - it's skill level they care about.

 

As for people slamming her for going along with her husband, or not telling who molested her - they are way off base and sadly ignorant. There's a ton of research into the victim's mind, and she is totally typical. It isn't garbage. She could probably use some deep counseling for all she's been through. It isn't your right to know who did what to her, especially since you've already proved that you'll hold it against her. You mention she's been raped as though that were something to fault her for. No wonder she is mad with you when you bring this stuff up.

 

But she should have told you about the herpes.

[ghost69]

i hope this isn't because you are scared of not finding someone else and moving on. that is a usual reason why people are caught up in relationships like this.

........................................................................................................................................................................................

[catcion]

I think you've already made up your mind, and are hoping to see her bashed in this forum to make you feel better about your decision. After all, nobody here is unbiased - we wouldn't be here if we didn't have some axe to grind.

 

If you can't let this stuff go, definitely don't marry her. If you love her, you'll do her and yourself that favor. Don't marry someone you are constantly going to badger about a past they can't change. Don't make yourself crazy over that past. Particularly if a kid is involved!

 

Constantly bringing up her past and questioning her about it IS punishing her. It lets her know every time you do it that you don't approve, that you think less of her, and don't trust her.

 

What could she possibly do, ever, to put you at ease? Nothing. She can't fix your insecurities - only you can do that, and only with a lot of work.

 

Sounds like you are much more upset by things having to do with the other guys than with the herpes itself, which makes me think that your concern is more that she will cheat on or abandon you than anything else. Do you have a major abandonment issue that you could address with counseling? Sometimes when there is something concrete and obvious, it is easier to "fix."

 

If you think this is a relationship you want to save, ask her to go to couples counseling, too. But work on yourself, or you'll dismiss what the therapist says just as you dismiss what i said about most women not being size queens. (Google that issue, since you don't believe me. Ask Dan Savage or something. I'm not making it up.) When your insecurities are deep rooted, you twist what people say to prove what you want, no matter how correct the other person is.

[lostinwilderness]

It sounds like your girlfriend has some serious sexual issues. I am no therapist, but I do not think that the described level of activity is 'normal'. Her activity sounds like a sexual addiction that was likely fueled by her abuse as a child and the influence of her husband. I do not believe that she can just change all of that attitude to just be ok with one person for the rest of their life on a dime. I think that if you were to stay with her you will very likely be faced with some type of 'acting out' in the future. If she does not make a serious effort to look at the root causes of her behaviours and to attempt to deal with them I would think it is almost a certainty.

 

The herpes thing is a different issue for me. It is a big trust issue. She hid something that can threaten your health and all future relationships. I understand that she would be hesitant to reveal that type of information, but you should not have to unwittingly pay the price for her past. A responsible partner MUST reveal something like that. I would definitely get yourself tested. My understanding is that herpes can be passed even when it is not active. Also with her history there is a high likelyhood of exposure to many other STDs that do not all show active symptoms.

 

I am not trying to judge her or scare you away from her. However, I really think that this is more than just someone that was a little friendly when they were younger. You should be fully aware of that risk before proceeding or moving forward. The fact that she will not even discuss it with you (although she will recount her conquests) just seems to highlight that there is something more beneath the surface here.

 

Good Luck!

[lostinwilderness]

Catcion,

 

I think that a person's past can say a lot about the type of person that they are and about what they will be in the future. I do think that a person can change and that they can 'rise above' their past. However, I think that RWL's GF has a past that would disturb most men (it certainly would me). It sounds like she had a different set of moral and sexual standards than RWL is comfortable with. Personally I believe that her actions are a sign of unresolved mental trauma on her part.

 

In any case she may be a totally different person today. However, she does not seem to show (from the little we can get here) that she has gone through a fundamental change. She still seems to treat these past actions as almost trophies. I think that RWL has a vaild reason to want to explore with her, what is really going on and how he can know that she has addressed whatever caused her to act that way in the past. If she cannot or will not discuss this with him I think he would be reckless to not assume that she is still caring that bagage and that it will likely affect their relationship (in more ways than STDs).

[Rabican]

I think between the herpes thing, and when you said she cheated on her ex with the big penis guy... that would tell me all I needed to know about her level of trustworthiness.

 

The herpes thing is HUGE to me. Its one thing if she didnt know she had it. You couldnt really blame her for that. however she knowingly, and willingly allowed you to put your health at risk by being with her and she did not tell you. That just blows my mind. I would need some duct tape to keep my head from exploding if I were you.

 

I would probably stay with her (if) you love her, and try to work through these issues. But I would definitely hold off on any wedding plans for the next couple of years until you KNOW what to do. Obviously right now you have too many doubts to proceed with any sort of marriage. Maybe another year or two will tell you what to do.

[Rabican]

The fact that she will not even discuss it with you (although she will recount her conquests) just seems to highlight that there is something more beneath the surface here.

 

Good Luck!

 

That is a very very good point.