catcion

I think you've already made up your mind, and are hoping to see her bashed in this forum to make you feel better about your decision. After all, nobody here is unbiased - we wouldn't be here if we didn't have some axe to grind. If you can't let this stuff go, definitely don't marry her. If you love her, you'll do her and yourself that favor. Don't marry someone you are constantly going to badger about a past they can't change. Don't make yourself crazy over that past. Particularly if a kid is involved! Constantly bringing up her past and questioning her about it IS punishing her. It lets her know every time you do it that you don't approve, that you think less of her, and don't trust her. What could she possibly do, ever, to put you at ease? Nothing. She can't fix your insecurities - only you can do that, and only with a lot of work. Sounds like you are much more upset by things having to do with the other guys than with the herpes itself, which makes me think that your concern is more that she will cheat on or abandon you than anything else. Do you have a major abandonment issue that you could address with counseling? Sometimes when there is something concrete and obvious, it is easier to "fix." If you think this is a relationship you want to save, ask her to go to couples counseling, too. But work on yourself, or you'll dismiss what the therapist says just as you dismiss what i said about most women not being size queens. (Google that issue, since you don't believe me. Ask Dan Savage or something. I'm not making it up.) When your insecurities are deep rooted, you twist what people say to prove what you want, no matter how correct the other person is.

The only thing that concerns me is that she waited so long to tell you about the herpes, because she has that in the here and now, and she withheld the info as who she is now. I can understand why she wouldn't tell you initially - if she wasn't having an outbreak you weren't going to get it, and most people we date don't work out, so she probably doesn't want to be broadcasting the info unless it really matters. Not that she should have kept mum, but I can understand her not wanting everyone to find out. But a year with you before telling? I guess once you don't tell, it becomes harder and harder to. I bet she figured that she wasn't risking your health because she wasn't having outbreaks; some people only have a few and then never do again, so it might have seemed like something of a non-issue for a long time. But she should have told you. You have every right to be upset. But how upset do you want to be? Now on to the rest. It's your problem, and you should go talk to someone about your deep-seated insecurities. Everyone has a past, including you, and even if you dump this woman I bet you've had this problem before and will again. Haven't you ever dated younger women? Better looking women? Women who were more exciting in bed? Should every woman you date worry about those past girls, and how they measure up? Haven't you ever been treated like crap by someone, but stuck around anyway because love is a strange thing? Are you the same guy you were at 22, or have you matured and changed? Have you ever slept with someone just to give yourself a boost? Be honest with yourself about what you have done. Even if you've never had a three-way (have you?) i bet you've had some fun she wouldn't want to hear about. Her mistake was in telling you. Seems like you want total honesty, but you reserve the right to punish people for having a past. It's like you want to find an excuse to distance yourself. Why are you insecure about younger guys? Guys with larger penises? Haven't you heard that guys who've been around a bit longer have picked up more skills? And most women will tell you that average size is just fine - it's skill level they care about. As for people slamming her for going along with her husband, or not telling who molested her - they are way off base and sadly ignorant. There's a ton of research into the victim's mind, and she is totally typical. It isn't garbage. She could probably use some deep counseling for all she's been through. It isn't your right to know who did what to her, especially since you've already proved that you'll hold it against her. You mention she's been raped as though that were something to fault her for. No wonder she is mad with you when you bring this stuff up. But she should have told you about the herpes.