He lost our money

[Deborah7]

Hi guys. I have been with my b/friend for nearly 3 years and i knew that he was a gambler but i stupidly thought that he had packed it in. Until today. I saw his car parked outside the bookies and walked in and there he was. He has lied to me for weeks and other people told me he was going in but i refused to believe them thinking he was being honest. He lost £300 today, that was our bill money and i am furious because i cant replace it. I have given him numerous chances but today i threw him out and his stuff and all i got from him was sorry. He keeps texting me asking if he can come back but i feel so hurt and angry and im tired of giving him chances and listening to his lies. I cant stop crying because i love him so much and i want to help him but i think he has to get proffessional help but he wont. How do i be strong enough to decide what to do???

[Scout]

Sorry to hear about this. If it's any comfort, you throwing him out might be the catalyst for him to get the help he needs. If it's isn't, then he may have to hit even more rock bottom before he does.

 

In other words, I seriously doubt there is anything you can do to help him, other than encourage him to seek help, and try to figure out what need inside of him this gambling addiction feeds.

 

If you take him back, I worry that your own life may spiral out of control.

[Deborah7]

Thanx Scout but i already feel as im losing control, i thought he loved me enough to stay away from the bookies but obviously not. I feel as if im losing it and i have wasted so much time already.

[Siriana]

i want to help him but i think he has to get proffessional help but he wont.

 

Yes, you are right. The fact is he has to help himself - and theraphy is the only way.

I never knew anyone who was a gambler, but I think it's an addiction, like alcoholism (spell?).

It woan't dissappear just like that.

Saying sorry over and over again for gamling is nothing.

Since you really don't want to brake up with him (sending him out of the house was a great move - that was good and brave) you can use ultimatum.

Say how you're willing to try dating again from scratch (and really mean it - from scratch and dating and not living together soon) only if he chooses to get help. Not once, or twice - but regular help on a week bases till the end of his life.

Accept nothing but clearr yes. No but,...no maybe...., only clear yes.

 

2 possible outcomes:

1. he will try to manipulate into being together without him searching for help

2. he will choose to work on it.

 

If you don't get the answer you deserve it's time to leave.

 

 

Had to add this when I red your second post. If you feel you invested way too much time already (you really did) than feel free to brake up with him. Thats not you being mean person, it's you taking care of yourself.

 

 

If you ask me what I would do: RUN

[Hope75]

Hi There,

 

I"m sorry that you are going through this.

 

Gambling is a very powerful addiction and it is very hard to get past and to stop- and it only happens if the gambler really wants to stop and enters a problem in order to do so.

 

Your guy has been doing this and lying to you about it and now he's lost your bill money... doesn't sound like he's ready to stop.

 

I think you did the right thing in throwing him out... you can't be left to wonder each month if your bill money is there when the bills show up- that is no way to live.

 

I would tell him that if he wants to get help you will be supportive of that, but that he's not coming back in the house. You have too much at stake and your credit and reputation can be destroyed if you keep letting him take advantage of you.

[rocio]

Please don't blame yourself for this. Gambling is an addiction, and addictions are illnesses that cause people to behave out of character. It doesn't mean he doesn't love you. He can overcome this, but the change does have to come from within. Tell him that if he doesn't accept professional help, you won't have him in your life. You won't hear from him until he's ready. He will overcome this, and he will appreciate your strength in the end.

[BellaDonna]

Hi there.

 

My opinion is, if he really wants to get back with you and make things right, then he will seek professional help. If you are at all considering getting back with him, professional help should be a condition he must fulfill. To take him back easily, or without consequence just enables his behavior. He needs to seek help for his own good and for the good of the relationship.

 

BellaDonna

[Kalika]

He already told you what you need to know hun .. He's not willing to get professional help. In the meantime, he's destroying your future by bringing you down with him.

 

Love isn't enough to cure what ails him.. He needs to buck up and get help and unless and until he does that, he has no right to be forgiven by you.

 

Keep in mind, if you take him back, you're essentially enabling him. You're telling him, It's okay for you to keep doing what you've been doing.

[Deborah7]

It is getting harder to have N.C, i have switched off my mobile and put it upstairs out of the way. He came back earlier for some more of his stuff and i wanted to hug him and tell him that i love him but i didn't and i cant stop crying because i know i will miss him so much, he was such a big part of my life xxx

[rocio]

Did you make it clear that he's welcome back in your life once he's gotten help?

[Deborah7]

Yes i did but i dont think he will get help

[HarleyHunny]

Why dont YOU call gamblers Anon? They can refer you to a support group for you. You can't help someone who won't or can't help themself. For what it's worth, you did the right thing. NC is gonna be tough but it's the best thing for you both. Don't continue to be his enabler. Everytime you do that you're telling him it's OK to keep screwing up.

 

Best of luck to you both.

[Deborah7]

He's never going to seek proffessional help, i know that for sure and i feel as if he does not love me enough to try

[HarleyHunny]

You still need a support system of some kind - for yourself. Whether he gets help or not......I feel certain GA has help for loved ones of those with the addiction. Just like AA, has Al Anon....You need this so you can understand it's not about how much he loves you, it's about him having an illness.....do some research if nothing else. Understanding his addiction is important..It really has nothing to do with you....look at it this way, if he had a terminal illness and was going to die, loving you enough is not going to stop that....Addictions are cunning and baffling. I know. I'm a recovering alcoholic....

 

 

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[Kalika]

I agree with Harley.. Addiction has nothing to do with love. If it did, you wouldn't see a bunch of mothers running around doing crystal meth and heroin and whatnot.. They love their kids but the addiction is so powerful that it overruns that love, and I honestly think the parent child bond is the strongest there is!

 

OK, I'm done with that spiel.. What I'm trying to say is, it doesn't mean he doesn't love you. He is probably feeling depressed, anxious, and alone. All he knows is gambling. Unless he gets help, nothing will change, and don't fool yourself into thinking he can change. Even if he does go into therapy, it will take a long time for these changes to come about.

 

He has to go willingly. You cannot force him to go, nor should you. But what you can do for YOURSELF is find a support group for family members and friends of gamblers (or addicts in general..) They might be able to give you some answers.