Where is he when I need him?

[ladybird_68]

schueysgirl:

thank you for your reassuring words, they really brought tears to my eyes. Partly because the truth still hurts terribly but first and foremost because its been so good to get to hear from someone else that I've done the right thing.

 

It was important to me and more a need than a sign of strenghth to let my ex know and not leave any doubt about the way I feel for him and about us, regardless of his lack of interest, appreciation or understanding.

 

At least I know for sure that after all's been said, there was really nothing more I could have done.

 

never-too-late: I hope you are coping, I'm sending you strenghth to get through the days and to move on to the next emotional stage that hopefully will bring you closer to healing.

Good luck!

[never-too-late]

I am finding this really hard. It broke me into pieces because I finally sent him a message saying "good bye". It's the hardest thing for me because he kept telling me we could loose each other forever if we say good bye to each other and won't speak to each other. It's the hardest thing because I am not sure if it's the right decision. But I felt like I had to do this. I sent it to him 2 days ago. I said to him that I love him, I am missing him, I am imagining to be with him but he chose to leave, he chose to break us up and it's too hard for me this way. In order to move on and forget, I need to say good bye even thought it's the hardest thing. I told him that I thought our love was strong and noone could break it. I head tears in my eyes when I sent it. He replied and said that it was such a nice message but he needed to do it so he can find out what he really wants. He said he was sorry I am sad. I said to him "ok. good bye then and good luck with everything". Maybe deep inside I expected him to react but he did not, he is silent now, he let me go

 

I miss him so much, I see couples around me and I am breaking down each time. I feel like I was not good enough for him, like I created many problems in our relationship and that's why he left.

[never-too-late]

I don't know why he has told me that he would not want us to cut all contact as he is too afraid of loosing me but now that I said good bye to him, he is not reacting? Have I made the right decision? What if I closed the door and he is not going to ever talk to me again? It's so so hard I miss him terribly. Why is he silent?

[bullwinkle]

Hi never-too-late,

 

I too am going through the same thing. I've got the same worries but it seems us being in contact was not bringing her back any closer to me, and it was causing me a lot of pain to not hear what I wanted to her from her.

 

The only thought that's getting me through is that if we were meant to be together then we will find a way back to each other. At the moment 3 days seems like an eternity, and I desperately want her to ignore my wishes and get in touch, but I know that it wouldn't do any good. Not right now.

 

But I just keep thinking - if it was meant to be we'll find a way back to each other.

[ladybird_68]

never-too-late,

he has not forgotten about you, of that I'm sure.

 

Give him the time to realize what he has done, don't beat yourself up over and let him blame you for being the one that caused/ created problems in the relationship!

It makes me mad he's got the nerve to insinuate you're the guilty part when in fact you were the only one who tried to work things out and were only asking for his honesty - while he strung you along with bad excuses and was just looking for a way out.

You gave everything and he knows it ... even if his guilty conscience might not allow him to admit that (yet).

 

I just got to a point where I feel a lot of rage and anger towards my ex-LDR-bf and the way he treated me.

Whatever he thinks I might have done to hurt him in the past he seems convinced that two wrongs make a right, and watching me suffer for the whole last year under the worst possible circumstances (my dad died, my dog became very ill, I almost died of bloodpoisoning and some other minor crisis, and despite of all his promises he never showed up or just asked if I needed help, instead he ridiculed and felt annoyed by the state I was in) and then do everything to add to my suffering needs a sick mind and twisted feelings.

 

It hurts me to say he was enjoying to watch me suffer, and if I had not decided to cut the contact he would KNOWINGLY and willingly have been going on playing his mind games on me, endlessly.

It scares me to think that this actually shows his character, and the more I allow myself to listen to my own needs, the more I feel I would have deserved a lot better than this.

So do you.

But you need the distance in time and space to get there.

 

Yesterday, a text popped up on my mobile and it was from HIM.

After 15 (?) days of NC, just when I managed to get my thoughts off him for a while he was asking how I am, how work is going and that he was thinking of me all the time.

F*** him, I don't need that! Did I not tell him not to contact me if not in the serious intention of getting back and work things out!?! And I can't see that in his brief text.

 

After a couple of hours I texted him back: Thanks 4asking, Im doing fine, work is as usual + keeps me busy.

Im not sure I did the right thing by answering, he doesn't really deserve to know how I am but like you, I didn't want to close the door on him completely.

I still love him and care about him.

Why, I don't know.

 

But: I'm not sure anymore I would want him back, as a friend or a lover.

 

The least thing I would expect was for him to show and express deep regret and sincere remorse for what he did to me, acknowledge his part of the guilt and an honest will to work things out.

But I know that's never going to happen.

 

My desperate need is gone, I'm actually letting him go.

And it feels good. At least much much better than everything I went through for the last 12 months.

[never-too-late]

I am really hurting It's so hard.

 

Last week, he sent me a message after telling him good bye that he misses me. I wasn't sure whether to reply but after a while I sent him one back saying I miss him too. We then arranged that he will call me in the evening to talk. But the conversation escalated as he was telling me that he would like have a girl next to him and he doesn't want a long-distance relationship anymore. It hurt me to hear that and he then said that it does not mean he is looking for someone new but I understood it this way and I got upset and then he got upset and he wasn't very nice with me in the end so I put the phone down on him. He then emailed me asking me why have I stopped talking but I didn't reply so he then emailed me again telling me that he hates how I changed his words and he is so fed up how I always ignore him and he has to fight for me and it exhausts him. He said he won't chase after me anymore.

 

So 2 days later, I sent him a message to say that I was upset and hurt but he didn't reply. So I call him few times but no response so I knew he was upset. He then sent me a message saying he doesn't want to talk to me. I told him I was upset as he wasn't nice to me and I needed time to calm down. But he said he doesn't want to talk to me as it is useless anyway as I always change his words. So this morning I sent him an email telling him that I am feeling really sad and hurt that at first he was gutted as I wanted to cut all our contact in order to move on and now he is doing this. He said he is fed up with everything and for now he does not want to be with me. He said maybe one day if he moves closer, we might try again but now he doesn't want a relationship with me. I am so hurt, I feel like I am where I was 3 months ago when he broke up with me for the first time. The thing is he was telling me he misses me, he feels upset if I don't talk to him and now he doesn't seem to be bothered to let me go. It's so hard.

 

Thank you all for your support. I really appreciate. What can I do please?

[Dee2]

Hi Never Too Late

 

Girl you sound so unhappy and have done for a long time.

 

This might not be what you want to hear bit I think you have to cut this man out of your life FOR GOOD. No contact all the way, do not initiate it and ignore him if he contacts you. This situation will eventually affect your health, no man who loved you with all his heart would put you through such misery and you deserve so much better. He's playing with your head and your emotions.

 

It is a difficulat process to go through, I know, I've been there but you have to be a little selfish here and put your happiness first.

 

Love & Hugs

 

Dee

[never-too-late]

It's so hard!! He ignores me now... I asked him if our relationship is over for good, he is not replying He does not care about me anymore When he was telling me he feels gutted that I don't talk to him, I did reply but he isn't now..

[schueysgirl]

Hi honey. I am sorry you are hurting all over again. I think you should just take it that the relationship is over for good- as he is not replying and told you not to contact him. Dont give this man anymore of your precious time and effort...you've already wasted (sorry i dont mean to be harsh!) 3 months hanging on for him. Please please try and stay strong and dont contact him at all he doesnt deserve you and has just been stringing you along.

 

At least now he has said he doesnt want a relationship with you. Remember this and move on. Remember small steps each day distract yourself. You can do this but only if you forget about him compltely now. You dont want another 3 months like this again.... thinking of you, xxxx

[never-too-late]

I asked him if this is an end for good and if I should forget him. He said "yes for now". I cannot believe he threw me away after telling me it would kill him if he lost me for good and he would hate it if I met another guy. And now he doesn't have a problem to tell me that I should move on and forget. I am so sad

[Lady Bugg]

NTL..This is going to be harsh.....but the reality is..YOU are doing this to yourself.No one but you.This guy has given you a MILLION reasons to walk away, and you haven't. You hang on by the little string of hope he gives you that he MIGHT want to be with you one day. This has gone on for months....

I can no longer even blame this guy for stringing you along. At this point in time...you are no further along because YOU choose to remain in denial that it is over.

 

Sorry if this s too blunt or hurtful..it's not intended to be..I just think you need a reality check.

[never-too-late]

I have decided to take the most painful step: I have deleted my email accounts and changed email address and I have just called my mobile company and changed my mobile number. The only problem is now that he has my work address and my home telephone number. I will changed the telephone number but I am not sure what to do about my work address, I don't think I will be able to change that.

 

I cannot believe I am doing this, it's such an extreme reaction from me.. I have never changed my number before because of such thing but I feel that this is the only thing that can save me in the end. But I am just so scared he will find a way to find me and then to blame me for this and how could have I done this to him.

 

By the way, his birthday is coming up in the end of June, I know it's cruel but I guess I should not even wish him Happy Birthday.. I have never taken such exteme steps in my life but I really feel that it needs to be done, I just really worry that it will hurt him if he finds out.

[Lady Bugg]

NTL...I think these are extremely important steps for you right now.

They may be extreme...but nothing or no one is worth losing your self worth or self esteem over. I think in the long run doing this will empower you..I really do. Don't second guess your decision.You have done all you can do

to save this relationship. Right now you are simply self preserving.....

Hang in there....it'll get better.

[schueysgirl]

Its important you do these things. And its good you've taken it upon yourself to do them now. Not a lot you can do about your work address...but i doubt this will be a problem. I know what you mean about birthdays my ex's is end of june too, i dont know whether i should just text him happy birthday but i know really i shouldnt. I think i will figure it out the day before. But you really shouldnt send him happy birthday after this latest revelation. Would you really mean it right now if you said it anyway?!

[never-too-late]

I am just scared that he will find out that i have changed my number and my email address and he will blame me and tell me I am cruel and how could I do this to him.

 

2 years ago I blocked him and he created a new email address and was very angry that I could have done that to him.

 

I think what's the hardest thing that he was the one telling me that he would be really hurt and gutted if I found another guy and he was almost begging me not to close the door on us and not to forget him and to talk whenever we need. So i cannot understand how he can now suddenly turned round and tell me he doesn't want to talk to me and he is fed up. He was so rude to me on Thursday, told me to f... off and when I put the phone down he then blamed me for being so rude when I put the phone down on him and since then he said he realised that it's best if we don't talk about us and that my questions about us exhausts him.

[Lady Bugg]

Why do you CARE what he thinks?? This is NOT about HIM, it's about YOU.

You need to get it out of your head that you guys are going to end up together.This is what is holding you back.

 

If he is angry, who cares?? He asked for this. You didn't. I think YOU are the one who needs to get good and angry here. STOP placating him.Stop worrying what wil happen next. As long as you do you will NEVER move forward.

 

Just imagine the worst scenerio in six months....him telling you he has met another woman and no longer wants to talk to you. What then??? Do you want to wait around for that??? Think about it....

[never-too-late]

Do you think I am a bad person for deleting everything? I mean if I was in his shoes and he blocked me out of his life, it would definitely hurt me.

[lady00]

You're not a bad person. You are doing the right things to move on. The relationship was not working and you need to do whatever you can to get him out of your life so that you can heal.

[never-too-late]

It's the first day since my number is new, i deleted my old email address but i have to wait 30 days until it's deleted?? so he still has access for the next 30 days and i still need to check my address in case.. i have informed all of my friends but unfortunately noone of his friends i know.. it's so hard. but he still hss my work address. but somehow, i feel peaceful and not worried what is going to happen next because i don't need to look at my phone waiting for him message or call.. but i feel really sad and guilty.. i feel sad mostly because i have made a very fast and radical decision to close the door

[never-too-late]

I am having a bad today. I am missing him And also I am deeply disappointed as I have checked my old email address and he has not attempted to contact me since I have changed my tel. number and my email address. I thought he might try but he has not I am so sad, he did not care I guess in the end. What do you think?

[schueysgirl]

Hi mate, dont want to sound harsh but the whole point of NC is not checking to see if he has contacted...because this also gets your hopes up and then brings you down again. I know you say you have to check your old email address...but do you really have to? Is it for work or something? Is there anyway you can just forget about it and not check it as you have given everyone important your new address?

 

Its kind of like getting a new phone and new number and then keeping you old phone and old number and turning the old phone on once in a while tosee if hes contacted....in this sense it sounds silly, but thats just what your doing...and its not helping! You can do this you have taken so many positive steps you dont need to check if hes contacted you, you dont need him...

 

....I dont know if he cares or not...in my eyes by not contacting you he is doing you a favour and letting you move on, so i guess in this way he cares, but he obviously doesnt care about you in a way that makes him want to be with you in a relationship sense, in a way that he wants to love you. I know its harsh but think about it and stay strong, you need to begin moving on....youve made so many positive steps by changing your number and email address...dont ruin it now, xxx

[never-too-late]

Hello all,

 

how are you all? I haven't been here for a while. I came here to ask you for more help with the situation I am in. I feel so helpless.

 

So my ex-boyfriend broke up with me in March and when I tried to move on and not to have any contact with him, he was sending me messages saying he is gutted and that I am destroying any chances for us to be together in the future in case he moves close to my country. He was telling me how it's killing him and becasue I still have so much feelings, I felt so much guilt, I answered. We spoke together a few times, he was telling me that he doesn't want to loose me and that he doesn't understand why I would like no contact with him. he said that we are not enemy so why. I said to him that this is the only way I can get over the break up and to move on and to forget. He said he hates the way I deal with it.

 

I asked him what does he really want. He said he is torn, he says he sufferes as he isn't sure he is doing the right thing but at the same time he doesn't want to have a long-distance relationship anymore. He said he would appreciate if we could still be in contact. He said he is afraid that we stop all contact, we will forget each other compeltely and if he changes his mind later, he is worried that I will be happy with someone else.

 

So he made me feel so guilty for wanting no contact with him. We had a couple of more conversations. He also said that if I went out with someone else, I can forget him and he will delete me from his life. He said that it would kill him. I said I am not going out with anybody but it's not fair what he is doing as he is breaking up with me.

 

So about 2 weeks ago, I was really down about the whole situation, I was so confused and so lost as he has said all these things. I asked him to talk again, he called me. But the conversation didn't go very well as I expressed to him how confused I am about everything and that I would appreciate some clarity. He started to be angry and said to me that nothing has changed since March and that I don't want to respect his decision. I said to him that it's not true but I am confused after his messages and calls. He said that he is fed up how he always has to explain everything, he said he doesn't want to have a long-distance relationship anymore and that for now it's over between us. I was so upset and so hurt again. I told him that I find it really hard how when I was trying to move on, he came begging me not to contact contact with him and that he doesn't want to loose me and now he is like this. He said that he can see how am I not respecting his decision and that he doesn't want to spend each week trying to talk about the situation. He said he is fed up. I was so sad.

 

So I spoke to him last night again after a week of no conversation. And he was shouting at me, he said that he is so fed up and that I am the most annoying girl and that he is more and more disappointed with me. I told him that I would just appreciate some clarity so I can act accordingly. Also because he really confused me when he was saying he is not sure and he needs time to decide and so on. He said that nothing has changed and I don't want to respect his decision. I asked him if it means that it's over for good, he said for now it is, he said maybe he will come to my country later so we can try again. But he said that if I will harass him with these questions, it's over for good. I could not believe how he has hurt me again. I mean in March when I was really upset and hurt about the break up, he was gutted that I am not replying to him and he was asking me all these questions and now when I wanted to ask him for clarity, he is really mean and cold towards me?!

 

The worst thing is that he told me last night that he is so disappointed with me how I am dealing with the situation. I told him that if it's over for good, I thank him for the final answer and I said now I will at least try to move on and heal. He started to shout at me that first I put all the mess between us, he tells me that and now I want to disappear. He said he is so disappointed and he realised what kind of person I am. I feel so bad. I mean I was just trying to find out some answers, to know for sure but he has made me feel so bad if I cut all contact with him. He said he was always there for me, he never ignored me and I am so selfish and mean to stop all contact with him. I said that unfortunately that's the only way I can move on and respect his decision. He said that he is devastated. He then said if I asked for his job in my company as he said if he could come to my country, we could try. I said to him at first that if we are now over that I no longer need to ask for him. But he started to say how nasty I am. I just don't know what to do.

 

So anyway,in the end I told him that if it's the end for good and he doesn't care anymore for me, I really need to go and heal. He started to say how he gives up as he has never said that he doesn't care for me, he said on contrary he does and thathe said that he never said it's the end for good. He said if he comes to my country, we can try again. He said I always twist his words and he said I make him feel so bad. He said he has given up trying. Anyway, we said good bye.

 

I am in such a pain. He emaled me today telling me that he needs peace and time to move on so it's better if we don't contact each other for some time. He said he would be happy to hear from each other again later. But now he needs to feel better and he doesn't want to fight like this. He said that for now it's completely over and maybe if does come to my country, we can try again.

 

I am so devastated. He has made me feel such a bad girl, such a bad person, I just feel so hurt. And the fact that he has made it sound as if I harass him with questions, I just feel so bad. I dont know what to do.

 

Please help. I know I need to move on, but he has made it so much harder now as I feel so bad. Can you please tell me what do you think?

[savoie]

im sorry you are still allowing this relationship to consume you. this guy could be a complete jerk - but my feeling is that he is done, done, done but he doesn't want to hurt you. it is not unusual to have seconds thoughts about breaking up with someone. the fact that he still leaves the door open does not mean that is what he really wants.

 

you are hanging on to every little thread you possibly can. as a result, you are creating the need for him to reiterate what he has already told you time and time again. he doesn't want to do that anymore. who wants to break up with someone 1000 times?

 

you need to respect the fact that he has asked for NC. i know you hurt. most people have been on the receiving end of a split at least once in their lives. I know how it feels. i understand the endless frustration with LIFE happening to you. the feeling like you have no control. the reality is that YOU DO HAVE CONTROL. you just can't have what you want where he is concerned.

 

i don't think poorly of you or of your ex. the relationship has run its course. but if you continue to hang on to any shred of hope with a man who is not engaged in a relationship with you, then it is my opinion that you need to turn your focus and YOU and why you chase what you cannot have to the point of dispair. sad - very very sad.

[never-too-late]

I appreciate your reply but to be honest, the way I am feeling at the moment, fragile and so hurt, this kind of response that he is done and I need to respect his decision of NC is not helping me. I mean he was done 3 months ago and he was the one who was begging me not to cut the contact with him. I feel much worse after reading this reply. I feel even worse.

 

It sounds as if he is happy done with me and I should get it and I should not contact him and I should ask myself why do I still want him?? I mean I was trying to move on so badly in March when he broke it off at first.. all these text messages, phone calls and conversations were inititated by him..

 

I am feeling so low at the moment, I really thank you for any support. I am just wondering if I have been wrong as he has made it sound?! I feel like he broke up with me, he hurt me and in the end he hurt me more deeply by making it sound as if it's all my fault how I have handled the situation recently?

 

I just find it so confusing that at first he was so upset that i didn't want any contact and he was telling me how he doesn't want to loose me and now he is the one who told me that he doesn't want any contact for a while and it does not seem to bother him if he looses me.

 

It's so hard for me.

[catren]

NTL,, I'm not surprised that you're confused - he hasn't been clear with you on anything - has been giving totally mixed messages for months now.

 

However, you do need to move on because this j3rk does not deserve your love - he does not deserve you waiting any longer. Of course you're hurting - a lot, but that's because you opened yourself up to him again. Say goodbye, give yourself time to get over him and find someone who can actually commit to you without having to beg for it.

 

You do deserve better!!