Where is he when I need him?

[marooon11]

OMG i just read through this entire thread this past hour... wow.

 

NTL -- maintain NC. IF you EVER want to be with him again, in a healthy way, you have to let him miss you. And you have to allow him to see you as an independent and secure person.

 

With no contact, you gain self-respect and self-love. You have to love yourself MORE first. Forget about what he is thinking. None of us are mind-readers and it is not helpful. LOVE YOURSELF FIRST!!!!

[never-too-late]

I am feeling a bit low today. I miss him and I am worried he has forgotten me already. I worry that cutting off all contact with him will destroy everything between us. I worry that no communication with him will make us drift apart and I will regret it as I will loose him for good? Has anyone had any chances later on with someone they had no contact with? I really don't know if I made the right decision? What if I should have kept in contact with him?

 

Please help.

[bubblyblonde11]

Absense makes the heart grow fonder!

[never-too-late]

He has just sent me a message telling me that it is too hard for him not to be able to talk to me and if we could find some compromise? I was very surprised, I thought I would not hear from him. He then immediately sent me another one, I didn't even have a chance to absorb the first one that it's really hard for him and if I have moved on completely? He then tried to call twice and now he sent me a message telling me he is too sad and we cannot go on like this and he asked me to say something as he is really desparate. He now sent another one telling me that I am breaking everything as I am rejecting him already now and how is going to be able to contact me later to come back to me again. He says he still needs to talk to me to feel better. He is begging me to answer.. I don't know what to do? It's a bit too much for me too fast.. I need time to think but he is sending me all these messages? I feel bad now Please help.

[alatas]

He says he still needs to talk to me to feel better. Please help.

 

OMG.

 

This is the height of selfishness!!!

 

He broke up with you - so you don't owe him anything. The last person who he should contact to make himself feel better - and ideally he would be able to do this for himself! - is his ex-gf!

 

Please be strong and don't reply. You are going round in circles with him. This same situation has been going on for months. What would make you happier in the long run? Going through some pain now while you block him and avoid contact (and yes, at the moment he is trying to guilt you into staying in touch with him because he wants you as a safe fall-back option), or stay in this painful limbo for years?

 

I did what you have to do - I blocked someone's email and deleted his phone number. And boy, he did NOT like it. I had (still have) feelings for him and he has a gf. He had feelings for me for years (which I had no idea of - and only found out about when I told him last year that I liked him) but they faded away when he started seeing his gf a year ago. He still wants us to be friends and I told him I can't. He called me selfish and thinks I should be able to be friends, despite liking him as more than that and despite him not seeing me as more than a friend now. I told him I can't. He told me something was wrong in my head. So I blocked him. Too painful to be just light entertainment for him when I want more He and your ex seem to have the same me-me-me attitude, and to hell with how it feels for the other person.

 

So block him, do whatever it takes to stop contact with him. He can't have his cake and eat it too. And I think it is incredibly selfish to break up with someone and expect them to still be there for them and wait around in case they change their mind in the future!!

 

Please hun, do it it for yourself. You'll be glad you did when you think back to the situation in 10 years!

[catren]

Oh NTL, it upsets me to see you STILL in this place. Last Feb / March we were in very similar situations and provided support to one another - 6/7 months ago!!! Like you, I found it too difficult to cut contact - scared to death that I would lose him forever - hoping against hope that he would wake up one day and realize how much he needed me in his life.

 

For me, it started in Jan / 07. I was determined that this pain would not consume me past the first half of 2007. I would not spend more than 6 months in limbo over someone who was too confused to know what to do. So, as of July 01 - I ended it all - deciding that I would not put up with that cr@p any longer. I had done much grieving by then and it was suddenly somewhat easier once I took control back of my life. It's now been 2 months of NC and I've moved on - even done some dating.

 

It still hurts a lot sometimes. I still want to pick up that phone and call him. But, I now understand the consequences to me. The difference in my situation is that he respects my need for NC - although I know he would have liked to stay in contact. Time does heal all wounds but only if you let it.

 

Please, please, take control back here. It's not about what he wants anymore - it needs to be what YOU want for your life and I think we all know you deserve a heck of a lot better than this.

[savoie]

well you asked so i will give my honest opinion. i think the fact that this relationship is not working yet one or both of you continues to contact the other is purely selfish and totally disrespectful. i fail to see any love or concern for the other.

 

if he wanted a relationship - you would be in one. if either of you cared about the best interest of the other you would give each other space instead of selfishly using the other to satisfy some void within.

 

i am sorry. i just feel that you are using each other as an excuse to stay where you are. and where exactly are you? it doesn't sound like a loving, caring, honest or supportive relationship to me. and if it isn't - then what is the point with all of this drama?

[JadedStar]

I echo savoie's sentiments here.

 

Pure selfishness on his part. And yes, you are both using each other to fill a void instead of moving on to find meaningful relationships....it is not going to happen for the two of you, and you both are bound to know it, yet you keep playing this game of cat and mouse.

 

He sure works a good mind game on you NTL. This is so obviously a ploy to get what he wants (friendship with NO commitment) that I can't believe I am reading this. How can he ever get back wtih you if you break contact? JESUS. He has had since JANUARY and didn't want you back.

 

Please please please STOP letting this guy play with your heart and mind like this. At this point you are allowing it if you respond. This has gone on far too long.

[New Day]

Way back in May, I said this guy was a Commitmentphobe with Narcissistic tendencies also.

I also noticed this exact same scenario starting to plat out wit someone else I posted to, o this site.....

. who is STILL in the early stages of this very same mess...that you have gone thru since january, with your guy.

 

Read up on Commitmentphobia and Narcissism...please........no wonder you are so confused.

And you will be even MORE confused if you stay with this guy any further!!

LOSE HIM FAST!!!

 

Notice how yuor post are saying the very same thing ....same words..that you said months and months ago?

Same old same old same old...confusion from him...cause he is one confused guy.

lLet him go....and watch your own confusion that he has caused you ....leave you too.....when you let this mixed up guy go.

Cause this guy will NEVERR EVER change.

Mark my word.

 

RUN from him today....you will be glad you did...and will have your peace of mind back.

 

READ books on Commitmetphobia and Narcissism.

Your relationship will leap out of the pages of the books.

[never-too-late]

I tried to say good bye to him by sending him an email about a month ago after I went to meet him. I know you will all say why did I go to meet him. It was purely because I honestly believed that if we meet face to face, talk about everything at least we can move on in peace and we did have a conversation about it and he did say that he was too afraid of loosing me and he did not want to face a situation when he would have to regret that he broke up with me. So he was trying to convince me to stay in contact but after meeting him, he said we should move on FOR NOW and we will see in future. However, I found it too hard to spend weekend with him where we behaved like a couple and then he told me we should move on as he doesn't want a long-distance and he doesn't have any other solution. He said he really cares for me and he will always be there no matter what. But it was too hard so I sent him an email, in which I said good bye. He emailed me back, very nice email telling me that he is too scraed that he will loose me and he might come back but it will be too late and up until now he was sure that I was here so he didn't have to worry.

 

He said that he is too scared that I will meet someone else and I will forget about him. He said that he can imagine himself in the future with me so he said not to forget him.

 

And then I was strong to move on but 4 days later, he called me telling me he found it too hard and he was calling a lot to make me answer and we talked and he said again the same. But since then I have been weak to walk away. As he was telling me that I am breaking everything for good.

 

Anyway, about a week ago, I was getting really weak needing to talk to him but he was telling me that I need to stick to our decision and we need to both stickt to saying good bye. I was so surprised he said that. I mean he was so scared and suddenly he said that. But the problem is now I feel too weak and I have been trying to talk to him to get some clarity but now he isn't being nice with me. He is telling me he is too stressed with work and I always want to talk to him about our situation and he doesn't want to spend his evenings on the phone. But 2 days ago he called me by loving name, which he used to call me by when we were together. I just feel so lost and so confused.

 

And tonight:

I am so hurt. I really don't know what to do. I asked him 2 days ago if we can talk and he did not text me the same night but the next day, he said he was sorry but he was too tired to talk. I asked him yesterday if we can talk and he said he was stressed again and he was too tired and he does not want to spend his time on the phone after his long day at work. I said to him that I feel like he doesn't care and he said I really upset him with this. He said he has had a very stressful week at work and I don't support him at all. But he told me so many times, he cares about me and he will be there for me but he isn't I believed him when I answered my phone after I tried to cut all communication that he will care for me but he does not. It's so painful. He was the one telling me that he is too scared to loose me if I walk away but now he behaves as if he does not care at all. I am in such a pain. Anyway, this afternoon I told him that I am hurting about this and if we can talk. He called me but he was so called and he basically told me that he is tired and stressed and he is going out and he doesn't want to spend his evening on the phone. I told him that I find it hard and that he was the one begging me not to walk away and now he acts as if I don't exist. I don't know what to do. He did not even call me back or text me to reassure me that he didn't mean to finish the conversation so fast

 

Please help. I am feeling so weak.

[savoie]

hi there - i know that you are hurting - but you are allowing this to happen because you are letting him dictate the direction of your life.

 

i know that you love him- but 10 months later of this misery - why do you want a relationship with him when you are clearly consistantly not content? instead of asking questions as to why he is doing this - ask yourself why you are willing to stay in a situation that brings you zero satisfaction.......??????????????????????????????????????????????????????????? in reality THAT is the real question here.

 

i don't mean to sound above you - but there is a life lesson here for you. you are making the choices - not him - he has shown you what he can give you which isn' t much. do you want to live with possibilities - or get on with your life with something that is substantive?

 

yeah - it is hard to ignore the calls, im, emails, etc. from someone you love. but at the end of the day - what is it? is it a relationship? no!

[bubblyblonde11]

Hey hun, you need to get this guy out of your life, I know that is very tough and certainly not easy - however he is dictacting everything at the moment and I get the feeling that he is keeping you around as a buffer.

 

You are not weak hunny you know you can do this, you did so well before, you started getting your life back on track, went into NC. YOU CAN DO IT AGAIN.

 

Take care

 

xxxxxxx

[never-too-late]

Thank you for your support. I still have not heard from him since the last conversation we had on Friday when he was very unpleasant to me. Doesn't he feel guilty towards me? I mean the conversation has not ended in a nice way. Basically he sounded frustruated and did not behave as if he would care a lot what I had to say. He said that he is fed up of me asking him questions about our situation.

 

But I really did believe all of his emails, text messages and calls when he was telling me that he really cares, and he doesn't want to loose me and he is too scared to loose me. He doesn't behave like this now. Why?

 

I haven't contacted him and I feel like I will not hear from him again. I feel like for the last 6 months, I was so hurt about the break up, I was in such a pain, I was suffering and hurting and he was stopping me from moving on, he was even blaming me for not wanting to save anything. He was blaming me for breaking everything if I walk away and meet someone else. But now he is quiet, he doesn't call me back, he doesn't worry about me.

 

I just don't understand it. He was telling me he doesn't want to close any door and now he seemes to be the one who closed the door. I am trying to be strong about it and I don't contact him and I am trying my best to move on, to stand up without hoping for anything anymore. I just find it hard as I normally believe in what he says.

 

I feel so sad and hurt about this.

[db]

get up, look up, don't give up.

[savoie]

I am not sure why he does what he does. It could be a number of things. But given the course of the past 10 months - or more realistically - the past 2 years of your relationship, he has not been a consistent, committed partner. Maybe, you could argue, that you haven't either. At the end of the day your relationship has been both draining and harmful to you both.

 

I have said it before but you allow this man to carry too much responsibility for your happiness and/or discontent. There is ALOT of emotional manipulation going on between you. Doesn't matter which came first - the chicken or the egg - the reality is that you both are playing on each others emotions. As a result he reacts to your sadness and you react to his anger. You keep going in circles.

 

There is nothing light and breezy between the two of you. Where is the fun? Why is everything so dramatic? Is it a reflection of one or both your personalities? Whatever it is - it doesn't work. And I suspect that too much has gone on between you for either of you to do anything differently.

 

I hope that you will consider seeking counseling. Your self esteem is low. You seem unable to make health choices for yourself. Repeatedly asking why questions about human behavior will keep you where you are. The only answer you can really obtain is why you choose to stay in this place repeatedly making yourself to be a victim. The only person forcing you to stay where you are is you! His words are only words....there are no actions behind them. Yet you put way too much stock with what he says about a "possible" future instead of focusing on if this is satifying to you right now.

 

Some people only feel alive when their lives are in crisis mode. I honestly cannot relate to that way of thinking but I hope that if you fall in to this catagory that you come to realize that it is very toxic to your emotional and physical health.

 

edited to add: one thing i have notice with disfunctional relationships is that often times the two individuals in that destructive relationship are seeking to correct some unresolved conflict from their past. they are attracted to the very same behavior that left them feeling inadequate by another in their past. instead of mending THAT relationship or emotionally letting it go - they attempt to resolve it with another. is it possible that you went through a prolonged period of time where you felt unloved uncared for?

[never-too-late]

I came here as I need a word of encouragement. I still have not heard from him since Friday, since the day he has been so unpleasant to me. He has not called me back, no word from him. Do you think he has met someone else? because why would he otherwise be so cold with me? I am really sad today. I feel like I will never hear from him again, he has met a nice girl and forgot all about me. He made me talk to him for 6 months, begging me not to walk away and now he doesn't need me anymore.

[bubblyblonde11]

He is just being mean IMO. I think he was probably playing mind games with you, keeping you around while he figured things out for himself, very selfish of him.

 

hun you need to focus on you, and your healing now, easier said than done I know but you managed to pick yourself up before so you know it is possible to feel better. Try to get back to doing those things for yourself again that we spoke about before.

 

Get busy, even if it is cleaning (I remember you saying that before I think) just keep you and your mind as occupied as you can.

 

Leave him be and look after number one (YOU)

 

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

[never-too-late]

I am trying to do that but I feel so used in the end Everything that he was begging me not to do like cutting all contact, walking away, closing door, forgetting him he has just done himself!

[bubblyblonde11]

He is selfish, you are a loving and caring person who didn't want to give up on him.

 

Being used is a horrible feeling, I felt/feel like that about my ex but you can get past it babe.

 

He is the bad person, NOT YOU. Remember that hun.

 

xxx

[savoie]

first of all - it has been less than a week since you have heard from a man that says you have nothing more than friendship. do you give your friends grief for not calling you after an ugly conversation?

 

secondly - you know what he has given you in the past 10 months. do you honestly think he is suddenly going to change? that is pretty unrealistic.

 

i am playing the devils advocate. i don't think it is reasonable for either of you to expect anything from the other given the fact that you do not have a relationship. i don't agree with his actions whatsoever. but neither do i agree with yours. you are not a victim.

 

you are living a self fulfilling prophecy right now. the longer you hang on to a relationship that no longer exists the more likely it is that you will experience all that you fear. what will it take for you to let go? do you realize the potential emotional damage that you are doing to yourself if you continue to watch your situation slowly, painfully spiral downward? he has already demonstrated that he is incapable of respecting what you feel is in your best interest. forget what he says. FORGET IT! listen and watch his actions.

 

i have a question for you. do you what you want with it. post your response here for further feedback or keep your response to yourself. Describe your idea of a healthy relationship FOR YOU. How are problems solved? How are decisions made? What kind of support do you need when times are hard? What kind of communication do you need from your partner? How do you prefer that person handle pressure? What brings you discontent with a relationship? What brings you contentment?

 

Next describe what you have experienced from your exbf in the past 10 months with respect to the questions.

 

It will take alot of honesty on your part. I see ALOT of denial on your part. He is definitely playing on your emotions but the writing is on the wall - you just don't want to accept it. Relationships rarely end with a definitive answer or reason - outside of death. Most people leave a relationship because it just isn't working. the reasons vary. sometimes its incompatibility - but more often it is because one or both are not ready or willing to do the work that it requires. even if you are compatible - it wont work without committment.

 

imo - the two of you are not compatible and there is no committment. you can't do the work for two and he is unwilling to do what you need and want. words are nothing at this point. Stop placing any value of a relationship with him on anything he says. let it go. you don't have any control over him nor will you ever.

 

i forgot to add - i agree with bubbly. you don't want to give up on him. but you seriously need to talk to your friends, family, a counselor about the extent to which you have taken this. i understand your wanting to give him a second chance - most deserve that. BUT YOU HAVE GIVEN HIM 100 WHEN HE HAS DONE ZERO TO EARN YOUR TRUST.

[FreedomRing]

Savoie--to be completely honest, I have kept up with this thread and never posted, but you have attempted and made NUMEROUS excellent points in which NTL either totally disregards or backs up with responses dripping with denial. So I beg the question, what is/will talking to friends do to help shed light on the situation. I presume based on her reactions here, that it's probablly the same responses, even if she does have friends giving their perspectives...she doesn't want to see the writing on the wall, and this is all falling on deaf ears and blind eyes(apparently).

 

She is not receptive, and like you mentioned before, there is something seriously deep rooted going on with the BOTH of them, for continuing to keep up this circular relationship(if thats even the term for this at this point).

 

Keep posting though, cause your advice is dead on...each one of the posts...frankly I've past frustration and exasperation a long time ago, just from reading the thread..so more power to you! Hopefully she'll "get" it sooner rather then later...

[savoie]

i deleted my prior post because i really don't have anymore to add and i don't think that it was useful to the average reader here. ntl i sincerely hope that you get the support that you need.

[never-too-late]

I am still feeling pretty bad. I am having a really hard time. I keep checking my phone and my emails but he does not call me or write to me. I am so hurt by this. I know that it was my idea to say good bye, not to have contact, to move on and contact each other only when we feel we want to be together again and he is now not contacting me, I assure respecting my decision. But I cannot help feeling hurt by our last conversation. I guess it is my fault as it was me who wanted to cut all contact with him and now he is following it.

 

But I am just so worried that he is now going to forget all about me and he has met someone else and he has moved on and now he thinks that he doesn't need me anymore.

 

I think what is the hardest thing is that he emailed me a month ago when I was saying good bye that he is so scared to loose me, he is too scared that he is making a mistake, he was very sad to say good bye, he was begging me not to forget him and he was even telling me that he needs to find himself and he can see himself with me in the future. But when I called him last week he did not have time, he sounded bothered when I called him, he told me he didn't want to spend his time on the phone and he basically finished the conversation in a fast way without giving me the chance to talk to him. and since then he has not called. That's why I don't understand. He basically walked away and did not call me back when a month ago, he was sending me such an email. I just cannot understand.

[savoie]

ntl - you are entitled to feel confused. but the questions you ask HE may not know the answer to. we can only speculate.

 

people are strange. relationships are hard. the amount of energy you devote to this man could be spent on someone who REALLLY appreciates and is inspired by you. you sound caring and sensitive. there are soooo many lonely people out there both young and old who could really use a smiling face and genuine concern to lift their spirits. go to a retirement community or volunteer at a local children's hospital. you will brighten someones day and perhaps you will see how another can brighten yours. that is the gift of love!

[JadedStar]

I agree 100%. Savoie has displayed enormous patience and great responses. But it never seems to be very well rec'd by the OP.

 

I cannot even imagine chasing someone after this length of time. NTL i really hope you find something to distract you soon as you seem caught in a tunnel of despair and lonliness. This man is poison to you, i wish you could see that.

 

NTL ask yourself "what if he DOES find someone else and moves on?" is that really the WORST thing that can happen here? I think that would be a blessing in disguise. A glorious, magnificent blessing. One of you need to move on because until ONE of you make that move you will stay locked in this mess.