21 years of marriage 1st affair

[Mindablo]

My husband and I have been married since I was 18...21 yrs now and I never suspected him of cheating on me until I answered his cell phone one night when he fell asleep and it kept ringing( I never touch his phone and he doesnt touch mine)..After I answered the woman said " sorry wrong number but when I started looking thru incoming calls,missed calls,outgoing calls I saw the number was all over..I then listened to his messages and there were 5 from her.

I then called her back using his phone and she said before i had a chance to speak" Where are you I have been waiting"( He fell asleep by accident as his shoes were on) I started going thru all of his cell phone records and it was going on for 4 months! He claims they were just friends...She claimed the same thing..I dont know her..he never told me about her...

We have children ( the youngest is 13) and although I decided to stay and I try to forgive him it is really hard...Shortly after that another woman was calling but he changed his number..I lost all trust in him..I am so hurt as I have never done anything to hurt him and have always been so loyal and taken good care of him...I still love him and am attracted to him but everytime he walks out the door I suspect the worst...After 21 yrs of feeling "safe" I now dont...I bring it up to him alot and he says "nothing happened get over it" but I am still heartbroken..any advice would be appreciated.

[annie24]

welcome to enotalone. I am sorry these circumstances brought you here. It is upsetting that your husband doesn't want to talk about it. Clearly, something was happening, but what, I don't know..... what is his explanation of the relationship they had? Will he attend marital counseling with you? I wouldn't "get over it" myself without a good reason and a committment on his part to not do this again.

[FortunateOne]

It sound as if you want it to work out, so have you tried couples therapy? And if so, what are the core issues you need to want to fix in your relationship? Then again, can you ever trust? If not, what to do next?

[MrSparky]

Hey Mindablo,

 

There must be a million and one questions and thoughts going through your mind about this - and most people's reactions would, of course, be to confront him - but it sounds as though you already have to death. If he hasn't given you some confidence in him through these discussions, then you either need to demand some from him, or consider the bigger picture. Yes, you may love him - of course - but do you want to be double guessing everything he does for the next 21 years? And if he had cheated, how do you know it's the first?

 

I wish I could reassure you and give you comforting words, but you deserve to have your husband give you an explanation that you genuinely, in your heart, believe - and give you something to build the rest of your lives upon. Couples counselling is a good idea, but many people chose to sort it out in their own private space too. Perhaps he is the kind of man who keeps his emotions closer to him and cannot express what, really, has happened? It would seem strange that he clearly knew this woman but had 'neglected' to tell you about her - I think you already have your mind made up about what could have happened. But I hope for your sake that he does give you something worth the breath it's said with, and something that will bring a conclusion to this horrible episode in your life.

[BeStrongBeHappy]

i am so sorry, it must be terrible after all this time to discover this about him... infidelity is always a huge and devastating shock, but especially when it blindsides you in a long term marriage... if this is just a recent problem, you might be able to address it and get over it as a couple, and i hope he hasn't been leading a double life all along, and is not the person he appears to be...

 

my first suggestion is to get yourself tested for STDs... i know that is hard to even think about now, but you have children that you need to protect and raise, and he could have infected you with something nasty that needs to be get treated now before it really affects your health.

 

then you need to deal with this, get marriage counseling, and recognize that if he knows right up front you will tolerate his cheating and never leave him, that he may see you as a doormat to keep cheating on... so you can tell him you want to fight to save your marriage, but don't let him believe that he can do anything he wants, and you will never leave...

 

you need to address these problems directly for other reasons... if he continues cheating, and with enough women, he may get to the point where he finds one he wants to leave you for... it is far better to nip this in the bud now and see if you can save your marriage before it gets to that point...

 

best of luck, he may very well want to stay in the marriage, but is having a mid life crisis... but you can't just ignore it, and your marriage will be stronger if he is willing to stop this and recognize he might have lost someone improtant to him through foolish behavior...

[Northalius]

"Nothing happened, get over it." ?

 

Ha! That's no way to treat your wife after she finds good reason to suspect the husband of cheating (either emotionally or physically, both are a big deal in a marriage). That comment alone I'd say something did happen! If nothing did, he'd try a lot harder to convince you (lovingly, since he's supposed to actually love you...) that nothing did happen.

 

And, if they were 'just friends', he'd have introduced you to her, not hide her from you.

 

I say you get a private detective to check up on him; this is definitely reason enough to.

 

Your trust has been lost in him, and understandably so. This isn't going to be easy for you if you decide to stay with him. Do not let this go, because if you do, you'll give him more chances to further take advantage of you. Do not let him walk all over you like this.

 

I'd say try counseling, but sorry, if he doesn't admit to what he has obviously done behind your back, then counseling is useless; he'll just act through the whole process, make you believe he's innocent, and he'll go back to doing what he has done before.

 

By the way, save any evidence of him cheating on you, also. Just for future reference in court, if needed.

[Hope75]

Hi There and Welcome.

 

I too am sorry that this is what brought you here.

 

I'm curious, how do you expect to be able to feel secure about your relationship with him if he hasn't admitted to having an affair, and doesn't seem to be telling you the truth?

 

It would seem to me that the first step in working through the betrayel and trust issues would be for him to tell you the truth and go from there.

[Mindablo]

Thank you all so much for all of this wonderful advice...I have gotten tested for STDs ( one of the first things I did) I am fine.I feel in my heart that he did have an affair..I have no doubt he loves me but after all of these years together and having such a solid foundation it hurts so much to think of him being with someone else.He is the love of my life and always has been..I have turned into someone I dont know..I am downright mean to me and have said some pretty terrible things out of my anger..He will not go to counseling because he says nothing happened..After initially speaking to the "other" woman I tried calling her again but she changed her number..I want to know why...What did he say to her..How did they meet..Answers he wont give me.

He would never leave me I know that already nor would he ever leave his kids..When I did speak to the other woman she told me she knew he was married,And that nothing happened...But looking back I shouldnt of been so damn trusting but I never felt I had a reason not to be..

[MrSparky]

You clearly need to get to the bottom of this. Knowing in all probability that he cheated, but never having it confirmed or having him admit it and take some responsibility, you'll never find any closure in this. It sounds to the rest of us - as youv'e portrayed - that it's likely that either a full affair happened, or was so close to happening that it may as well have.

 

It could be that 21 years of happy marriage has made him complacent - and, almost certainly unconsciously, you are the 'doormat' wife that if he says "nothing happened - now you will leave it" you will. This bothers you a lot, he should know that and any loving husband should do absolutely everything in their powers to put your mind at rest. I think you'd probably be happier if he just openly admitted to a full affair and you could then start to move on; a cowardly "nothing happened" when clearly something (not necessarily sex/an affair, but something) happened will leave you stuck her perhaps for ever whilst he is free to do whatever he feels.

 

Don't forget he could have wanted an affair, but decided against it having realised the concequences could be too scary to imagine - he may be terrified of you leaving him and the thought of picking up again after a marriage of 21 years and kids and all the pieces it would break in to. That's not to say you should comfort him with "whatever happened I won't leave you" - even if it's true - but you should hold that in your mind that he's sticking to his guns because he doesn't know what else to do. Explain to him you'd rather know the truth than be told another lie to cover up the truth, and then you can both move on *as a couple*. OTOH, he could be telling the truth about nothing having happened - but he still owes you one heck of an explanation, and don't rest until you've got it, you deserve that if nothing else.

[Mindablo]

You are 100% correct... I do need closure..He tells me "after 21 yrs together do you think I would do anything to lose you or the kids" But whenever I ask him head on questions like.." Why didnt you tell me you had a new friend' Or why did you talk to her several times a day' He tells me " I dont talk to her anymore and you are the only woman I love' Because he will not talk about it at all makes it so hard for me...I know it was more than talking...I work in a job that requires me to be available via phone up to about 10pm at night..So men call me ( business related) and I talk right in front of my husband.. He made a remark about it being Ok for me to have male friends but not ok for him to have female friends..But the difference is...These are not my friends..the male friends I do have all know my husband and most are friends with him also...Sexually my husband and I have always had a terrific relationship..I have done my best to keep the sparks flying..Such as calling him close to his lunch break and telling him I need him immediately etc...I have no doubt he loves me he has always taken good care of his family and is a wonderful father but I need to know why he was sneaking around even if nothing sexually did happen although I feel it did. I am just going thru the motions right now trying to get back to normal but I am heartbroken and he really doesnt "get it" that I need to answers..

[radioheader]

okay...i just wrote this in another thread...go get not "just friends" by shirley glass and read it cover to cover...they are not "just friends"...this book is great...go get it from the library...good luck!...p.s.i've been in your shoes!

[RayKay]

Hey sweetie;

 

If he will not go to counselling WITH you; I recommend you go for yourself WITHOUT him. It would be extremely beneficial to you to sort through all these mixed feelings and uncertainties.

 

I am sorry, but his behaviour definitely indicates there is far more to it than he will admit too, and his reversal of responsibility to you, by insinuating it is horrible of you to even think he would do that, has guilt written all over it. Do not let him make you feel wrong for feeling this way; your gut is telling you something that is more likely than not, right.

 

I think until he is honest about what went on, healing from this will be difficult; but I think you need to at least get some objective advice and counselling to help you heal your own wounds right now.