Friend Zone Quote

[CharLit]

* sigh *

 

I find the phrase *being friendzoned* in and of itself misleading. It implies a conscious action on the part of the friendzoner, and it has an extremely negative connotation as evidenced by the hostility displayed in this thread. All of us, male and female, are perfectly entitled to enjoy someone's company but not be attracted to them or not be interested in a relationship with them. This is not a malicious act, it's just the way things are. Most of the time, it's nothing the other person did or didn't do, there just wasn't the right click.

 

The job interview analogy: what I look for in a romantic partner is everything I look for in a friend, plus the mysterious 'ingredient X'. If you have all the qualifications for being a friend but not ingredient X, a friend is what you'll be, there's nothing duplicitous or unfair about it. I've had crushes on guys where they didn't want to be more than friends with me, too. In what universe are either they or I to blame for that?

 

Most of the time - and of course there are exceptions - if you only have friendly feelings towards someone, you'll assume they feel the same way about you if they aren't obvious about their attraction. People don't generally deliberately string along someone whom they consider a friend. I'm not interested in my guy friends "in that way", and I assume they're not interested in me either, no more than i would expect any of my girl friends to be romantically interested in me. I'm not saying it's an impossibility that any of my friends would ever be interested in being more than friends (or vice versa) but my basic assumption is that that's not the case. We're friends, we enjoy spending time together, that's all there is to it.

 

I'm not trying to keep anyone's hopes up by treating them as friends. I talk to some of my guy friends about my feelings, just like I talk to my girl friends about my feelings. It's how I interact with the friends I am comfortable enough with. I am not using anyone, male or female, as an "emotional tampon" as another poster so charmingly puts it on these boards from time to time. When you're close friends, you share these things.

 

I do have to admit to having rejected guys with the "I'm not looking for a relationship right now" excuse. I was sixteen though, i was trying to let them down gently, i thought it would be mean to say I just didn't fancy them. We have to learn these things as we mature.

 

It's a sidetrack, but I'm curious: all those men on here who are convinced that women are emotional, irrational, devious, golddigging b*tches... how's your lovelife?

[CharLit]

Interesting! On the Beeb today:

 

link removed

 

"High-flying men are not as attractive to women looking for love as those with an average job, scientists say."

[deejay74]

i didn't read through all of the posts on here but i wanted to say that the movie "just friends" accurately depicts what happens when someone is "friendzoned".

 

i think both men and women have gone through it at one point or another in their lives. it's a frustrating place to be in but i think if you're constantly in that "zone", then you need to take a look at why you're always looked at as a friend by your object of desire.

 

it kept on happening to me and i made it a point to stop it.

[Altruist]

Interesting! On the Beeb today:

 

link removed

 

"High-flying men are not as attractive to women looking for love as those with an average job, scientists say."

 

Those surveys hardly ever ring true. ATTRACTION IS ILLOGICAL and trying to use logic to try and figure out why men get friendzoned doesn't work at all. You just have to look at how many multi-degreed men fail where even a man who's never been through a classroom door succeeds tremendously.

[CharLit]

Did you read the article tronix? The women were only shown pictures of the men and told what their jobs were, so no, it might not say that much about what would happen if they actually met the men in real life in a bar. However, I would also try to steer clear of someone who I thought would forever be more involved with his job than with me or the family we might have.

 

I didn't intend it to explain *the friendzone* (read my previous post, i think the whole friendzoning thing is a load of bollocks), it was a response to a couple of people here who have rather insultingly been insisting that women only go for the men with high-paying, high-power jobs.

[CarnelianButterfly]

i think both men and women have gone through it at one point or another in their lives. it's a frustrating place to be in but i think if you're constantly in that "zone", then you need to take a look at why you're always looked at as a friend by your object of desire.

 

it kept on happening to me and i made it a point to stop it.

 

You, unlike most men, look to yourself for explanation. You take responsibility for how your life turns out.

 

A lot of guys in this thread don't. They would rather blame the women then look at themselves. They would rather it be some fault of the female mind or inner workings. They refuse to admit THEY are the ones that need to do some inner searching. For all the insults thrown at women in this thread and all the bashing why do men still chase them if they hate them so much? If the female mind and her ideals are so contrary to you, STOP DATING WOMEN, go find yourself a nice logical gay man and leave the women alone.

[Altruist]

Did you read the article tronix? The women were only shown pictures of the men and told what their jobs were, so no, it might not say that much about what would happen if they actually met the men in real life in a bar. However, I would also try to steer clear of someone who I thought would forever be more involved with his job than with me or the family we might have.

 

I didn't intend it to explain *the friendzone* (read my previous post, i think the whole friendzoning thing is a load of bollocks), it was a response to a couple of people here who have rather insultingly been insisting that women only go for the men with high-paying, high-power jobs.

 

I must confess I had not read the article . The gist of my post was to bring out the fact that scientific research is often tangential to reallity as far as the topic of attraction and relationships is concerned. If you took offense, mea culpa but it was not my intention. Concerning the article, I think it is statistically insignificant for various reaasons, least of which is the small sample space.

[Luke Skywalker]

The problem with the friendzoned guy is he comes off as needy and clingy. Who wants that?

 

A sugar mom?

[Luke Skywalker]

* sigh *

 

I find the phrase *being friendzoned* in and of itself misleading. It implies a conscious action on the part of the friendzoner, and it has an extremely negative connotation as evidenced by the hostility displayed in this thread. All of us, male and female, are perfectly entitled to enjoy someone's company but not be attracted to them or not be interested in a relationship with them. This is not a malicious act, it's just the way things are. Most of the time, it's nothing the other person did or didn't do, there just wasn't the right click.

 

True, but if someone sees that someone is being 'led' to believe that there is 'something', when there is not, then there should be honest communication.

 

Instead of viewing a woman as a challenge by being elusive, then one should continue prospecting and meeting new people rather than clinging to any particular woman under a false sense of security that you have found something. In fact, people should always prospect unless they are absolutely sure they are in a relationship.

 

The job interview analogy: what I look for in a romantic partner is everything I look for in a friend, plus the mysterious 'ingredient X'. If you have all the qualifications for being a friend but not ingredient X, a friend is what you'll be, there's nothing duplicitous or unfair about it. I've had crushes on guys where they didn't want to be more than friends with me, too. In what universe are either they or I to blame for that?

 

But they were upfront that they didn't want to be more than friends?

 

I'm not trying to keep anyone's hopes up by treating them as friends.

 

Of course, just be sure nobody is interested in your more than friends, although I hightly doubt it that an interested guy would just want to settle for friendship unless there was some potential down the road.

 

I talk to some of my guy friends about my feelings, just like I talk to my girl friends about my feelings. It's how I interact with the friends I am comfortable enough with. I am not using anyone, male or female, as an "emotional tampon" as another poster so charmingly puts it on these boards from time to time. When you're close friends, you share these things.

 

I'm confused. I wrote some of the harsh things on this thread basically on the same girl I meet last year and took every interaction with her a bit too personally for my own good. We've been in mutual no-contact since the end of November last year, but her memory haunts me when I listen to these songs:

 

- Have a heart - by Bonnie reitt (sp?)

- Live to Tell - by Madonna

- How many? " - by Lube

- What's love got to do with it?' - by Tina Turner

 

She also wanted to go into songs and wrote a musical blues song that basically triggered me off when I read into the lyrics. The funny thing is I enjoy listening to blues music - particularly by female singers.

 

The tragedy is I sent her a music clip and encouraged her into making music, but I didn't think she'd write lyrics that she slept with another guy while I thought I was dating her or there was a potential for a relationship.

 

Anyway, it's coming around Valentine's day now, and I'm already seeing someone else for the time being, I honestly wish I'd forget about her rather than ressurecting her memory all the times by my responses in threads like this.

 

This is the secret of my hostility on this thread about the friendzone, I still haven't fully gotten over this girl to have expressed my feelings for her on this thread behind conceptual masks.

[CarnelianButterfly]

The tragedy is I sent her a music clip and encouraged her into making music, but I didn't think she'd write lyrics that she slept with another guy while I thought I was dating her or there was a potential for a relationship.

 

Anyway, it's coming around Valentine's day now, and I'm already seeing someone else for the time being, I honestly wish I'd forget about her rather than ressurecting her memory all the times by my responses in threads like this.

 

This is the secret of my hostility on this thread about the friendzone, I still haven't fully gotten over this girl to have expressed my feelings for her on this thread behind conceptual masks.

 

Are you really seeing this new girl as in dating or have you just gone out a couple times. You need to make it clear that you want to be bf/gf and you have communicate that you consider that you are dating and serious. If they don't see the relationship as more than a few dates then you have no rights to be upset if they go out with other people.

[Luke Skywalker]

Are you really seeing this new girl as in dating or have you just gone out a couple times. You need to make it clear that you want to be bf/gf and you have communicate that you consider that you are dating and serious. If they don't see the relationship as more than a few dates then you have no rights to be upset if they go out with other people.

 

 

Alright, I'll remember to do that. This is going at a healthy pace (every other week). I've already kissed her on the first date. I assumed that would send a message accross that I'm serious (or why would I kiss her and she did not brush off the kiss).

 

The other girl (obsessed about before that I was upset about and sometimes still am - not the new one) was very choppy before we even meet (i.e. I felt insecure and kept taking interactions too personal) and I'm honestly surprised we meet three times as it was stormy, even if it was the space of six months, but she seemed to have 'got to me' in some way. I guess some people just rub off weird on others. Well, this character is one of those types of people.

[Firehawk13]

I can tell you exactly how I feel about every man I know, I don't think it's of interest to go thru the whole list but the guys that will never make it past friend...

• Guy 1
  
• I like his mind and he's fun to be around most of the time; however he is immature and has no sense of when things have been taken too far. He is an adult, but has the functionality of a teenage boy.

[*]Guy 2:

• Sweet, different, lots of common interests, he is however small minded and has made comments that I found to be very much in conflict with things I hold important.

[*]Guy 3:

• Charming, sweet, easy conversations about every thing, but he drinks WAY too much.

[*]Guy 4:

• Likes different activities I like, flirty, above avg intelligence, but he has no creativity, I'm an artist.

 

I love this!! You just support the foundation of irrationality! You pick out the flaws in these men, perhaps let them be your friends, but if they expressed interest in you, you'd reject them. Why? Well, you said it yourself. Because they have personal flaws.

 

So apparently nothing short of perfection will satisfy you. I hate people that are so critical of others.

 

I think a big difference between males and females is giving chances.

 

Most men are willing to give a woman a chance, and overlook flaws. So a woman drinks too much? Perhaps he sees this as a challenge, or more realistically: thinks of it as something that could be solved in a relationship.

 

A woman, on the other hand, would typically reject a man immediately using the crutch that if he can't deal with his drinking problem, he's not worth giving the time of day.

 

I think, on the whole, that men are just generally more accepting and willing to try and make things work with women, whereas women are much more keen on making judgments on how a relationship would proceed before considering giving a guy a chance.

 

That's the big question for me, at any rate. Why are women so much more judgmental? For every one woman you here complaining about the guy that "just didn't show any interest, and only wanted me as a friend," you hear one hundred guys complaining about the girl that said she "valued my friendship, but didn't want a relationship."

 

Personally, I wouldn't be friends with any girl that I didn't respect as a person, and respecting someone as a person is all it should take to at least give them a chance in a relationship. But I guess it's all an opinion.

 

It just baffles me. Where is the connection? There's this big anti-sexist revolt from people like CarnelianButterfly. You act like the stereotypes of women are all myths and that guys that "would rather blame the women then look at themselves" are the heart of the issue.

 

I'll agree, many men do tend to become bitter towards women because they refuse to admit that the problem lies with them. But simply looking at the overwhelmingly common behavior of women raises questions.

 

The common defense I see is that a guy needs to have something "special" about him. There just needs to be "chemistry." Where did this bull spawn from? I guarantee that any woman could justify refusing to date a man if asked. The real issue is, as Maddox so well put it, that women aren't "honest enough to tell you the truth without hours of pointless fluff to pacify [their] guilt."

 

It's simply a fact that women are more prone to reject men for personal faults, whereas men are just plain more accepting. If it really was "chemistry" that was the make-or-break-all, why do you so rarely see men pulling this crutch out of their ***** when rejecting a woman?

[Dating Coach]

You're right, that is very amusing. Nice play on the truth of the male girlfriends.

[Superfreak]

I'm curious, I agree with alot of what you've been saying in this thread and think that alot of the guys that are in the "friendzone" would do well to take a look at your posts.

 

But do you think that part of the reason that you've "friendzoned" the guys above was that since they didn't ask you out on a date early on, you got to know their flaws as a friend so in essense you "dated them" without "dating them" and found them unsuitable. I'm just curious if you think that if one of them had asked you out earlier on, before you knew about their flaws if you'd have been more likely to have gone on a date with them. Was it more along the lines of "Even from the start I wasn't attracted to them so I doubt I'd have ever agreed to date them". Or was it "they had a fair chance with me from the start, but now that I know them they've gotten less attractive" ?

 

Any woman can reply with what she thinks by the way, not just Carnelian Butterfly

[CaptainPlanet]

I generally think that the following is generally the worst line of logic in the history of logic, but I will use it anyway.

 

Friendzoned ? lifes not fair cry more in my opinion.

 

I think there is nothing wrong with being friends with a girl. The only problem is if she 'keeps' you as a friend.

 

I listen to my male friends * * * * * and moan about their failed relationships. If it happened every month I'd tell him to shut up. Same should apply for a female friend.

[CaptainPlanet]

Women who keep male friends. To her pets: focus on your career and being her friend, don't give into her every wish and keep her around be her friend.

 

Then find your own wife and a good career. When she is 33 and comes to these boards or similar wondering why all men are bastards you can throw rocks and laugh at her. Because she will probably be refilling your 'soda'.

 

Just something I've noticed, women who 'keep' male friends tend to be very hopeless, stupid and insecure.

 

That is entirely different to having a female friend - a secure decent person with whom you happen to have a lot in common with, but for reasons beyond you control there is no attraction.

[Clarity]

Women can't articulate what they actually want, this is one of the ongoing problems in these situations. Never trust a woman to tell you accurately what she wants, because, despite her best intentions, her subconscious has a different idea of it altogether.

 

I'll add another friend-zone quote to the mix, if you hear this, you're in it: "You're SO sweet!"

[just M.E.]

There is a little something called chemistry, attraction and you can't fake it.

 

And you are right about the Friend Zone, even when we know it is happening and feel guilty about it, the guy friend keeps it alive, why?

 

But I works both ways, I had it happen to me on the other end, and allow it because I actually get a lot out of being the female Friend.

[Gratsy]

WRONG. I had a very close male friend who hung out iwith me all the time that I only viewed as a friend. Then, I viewed him as more. He didn't.

[Gratsy]

Yep, and he acted like he wanted to date, then acted like I was only a friend. Then I acted like he didn't exist and moved on to other guys.

 

I like your posts here...they make a lot of sense. Do you mind if I pm you with a situation that you could give me some advice on?