Real-life example of why NC is so important

[TonyMar75]

Hello, all. I feel compelled to share this with everyone to show just how important NC is.

 

My ex dumped me a month ago. I thought I had done a decent job of NC—actually, Low Contact because we work together. But on Monday I broke down and asked her to have lunch with me so I could check in, tell her my feelings hadn’t changed and try to gauge how she was feeling. We had been sharing some looks in the office that had given me hope that she still had feelings for me and might want to try again. That hope was dashed during Monday’s lunch conversation. Her feelings hadn’t changed.

 

I told her I understood, that I learned a lot from my mistakes (I was selfish in the relationship, which is why she broke up with me) and that I will always love her.

 

I then sent her an email apologizing again for approaching her about it at work and a few lines summarizing how much I loved her and wanted to show her I could change. I told myself that was my last attempt, and felt confident that was the case.

 

But it was too much.

 

She finally wrote back this morning. It was like knife to the heart.

 

Please, to all of you in my situation who hope for a second chance, take this as a shining example of how NC is a MUST. I KNOW it is hard. Obviously it was for me, because I screwed up. I thought I was doing well, and that approaching her once more wasn’t overdoing it, and that maybe it wasn’t too soon. But I overdid it.

 

You don’t realize that’s the case until later.

 

No matter how in love you are, move on. Force yourself. It will be one of the most difficult things you can do, but you won’t be in the situation I am now. I already regret things I did in the relationship that made her feelings for me change. Now I have to live with this, too. I’ve pushed her farther away—JUST LIKE ALL THE WISE PEOPLE HERE SAID WOULD HAPPEN IF YOU DON’T MOVE ON AND DON’T DO NC.

 

Be strong, everyone. You really can do it. Let this motivate you.

 

Tony

 

Here’s what she wrote:

 

“I need to take care of myself. And because I need to take care of myself, I need to say something to you.

 

I do not want to talk about this anymore, especially at work, period. Every time we do talk about it I get upset, and quite frankly, I don’t feel like it does either one of us any good.

 

My feelings haven’t changed. I think it’s best for us to continue the way we have for the past month — professional communication only.

 

If you really do care about me, please respect that request.”

[Shaker]

Oh, Tony.

 

There is a silver lining: At least she's being clear and firm with you, and you don't have to deal with mixed signals any longer.

[Pisces_Princess]

Hi Tony,

 

So sorry to read this...

 

It was probably too soon to approach her, but you followed your heart and in the end you got an answer. It may have not been what you want but I agree with Shaker that there are no mixed messages anymore and you can heal now.

 

xxx

[TonyMar75]

Thanks, you two. You're exactly right, and it's what's giving me strength.

 

It is just so incredible we're at this point after the 9 months we shared together. Life is so damn unpredictable.

[Pisces_Princess]

The uncertainty of life is the only thing we can know for certain xxx

 

How are you feeling? x

[TonyMar75]

Still heartbroken. In pain. But motivated to move on.

 

Something someone wrote on here recently is helping me so much. I’m paraphrasing, but it was something like, “Any time and energy spent on your ex is stealing from yourself.”

 

I refuse to do that.

 

The uncertainty of life is the only thing we can know for certain xxx

 

How are you feeling? x

[majord23]

Hey Tony,

I'm sorry to hear about this mate. Don't beat yourself up for breaking NC - it's better to have done it than not done it and prolonged your healing by wondering.

 

Years ago, a great friend of mine told me something after I had done something similar to what you did.

She said to me: "Sometimes when life slams a door in your face, you've got to knock on it one more time just to see if it will open again."

 

Consider that your knock.

 

Chin up pal.

[TonyMar75]

Thanks, Major. So well said, and I guess in the end I'd rather have it this way then keep wondering and having my hopes up, only to delay that crushing moment when I realized it was false hope.

 

Now, the REAL healing begins...

 

Hey Tony,

I'm sorry to hear about this mate. Don't beat yourself up for breaking NC - it's better to have done it than not done it and prolonged your healing by wondering.

 

Years ago, a great friend of mine told me something after I had done something similar to what you did.

She said to me: "Sometimes when life slams a door in your face, you've got to knock on it one more time just to see if it will open again."

 

Consider that your knock.

 

Chin up pal.

[coooolsome]

Breakups are one of the worst ways in learning to become a man. It sucks but you will become 100x stronger. I was in the same position 1.5 years ago. I was pathetic, a sorry excuse for a man, but it toughened me up and it has prepared me for the world.

 

Life is hard and the sooner we learn to deal with it, the better off we are.

 

Its funny that I see my breakup as the best thing that has ever happened to me now.

 

Learn from your mistakes and never repeat them again.

[peachyteach]

Hi Tony,

 

I'm so sorry about what you're going through. I'm going through something similar. After a four year relationship and 6 months of marriage my husband wanted to separate. We've been separated since Monday. I still love him and wanted to work things out. I was willing to sit down and talk about the problems and work on the changes that needed to be made but he was unwilling although he says he still loves me.

 

I'm glad I read your post because I too feel a desire to call/email him...I can't help it because I still love him and we are still on friendly terms...it's just so confusing. But I would listen to the wisdom of others and as hard as it is to let go of someone you love you MUST do it for yourself. No good can come from holding on to someone that does not return your love.

 

As many have already said now is the time to focus on you and to do what you need to start the healing process. There will be tough times but I know we will get through it. And thanks for your post...I needed to read that.

 

Take care of yourself!

 

Sending a hug your way!

 

Maia

[Pisces_Princess]

peachyteach,

 

I just read your post. How terribly sad.

 

I was left 'out of the blue' by the man I was living with for exactly a year. It hurts and it is hard and I know how you feel.

 

Try to take good care of yourself, keep talking and posting here it will help.

 

xxx

[TonyMar75]

I'm sorry to hear it, Maia. The urge is so strong. You think, "After what we shared, how can she be angry at me for sharing my feelings?" But this has been a reminder of how dynamics can so quickly and drastically change between two people, and how our own wellbeing hinges on recognizing that and acting accordingly.

 

It's really hard, but we have to try to look it at as something other than a tragedy. Like Coolsome said--this is what makes us stronger people.

 

By the way, Coolsome, thanks for that! I needed to hear it.

[peachyteach]

Thanks Pisces and Tony for your support. It must be so hard to maintain NC when you work with that person. Have faith in your strength and when all logic flies out the window in the face of emotions you know that you can always come here for support. This forum still boggles my mind...I'm simply amazed at the strength and support you can feel from "strangers" (no insult intended...you know what I mean!)

 

Coolsome...thanks as well...learn from our mistakes...it's that simple.

[littlebylittle]

Great Timing,

 

My ex (bizarre - I actually typed other half first time around - ouch) is moving back home in a few weeks and I'm getting more and more tempted to have one last shot at saying how I feel.

 

I think your post may well have given me the kick in the b*lls I needed to wake up and accept that whilst my feelings haven't changed hers have.

 

VERY VERY USEFUL post.

 

I'll confess I'm still sure that come the week she leaves I'll not be able to resist saying something - I'll just have to refer back to your post I think. Even if I resist before she goes I've got a feeling I'll send something in a few months time - then again I'm hoping to have moved on a bit more by then.

 

Anyhow - Thanks for sharing Tony - it really is appreciated - some of us still need to here the damage we can do to ourselves.

[TonyMar75]

I’m so glad it helped, Little. Helping others helps me. It gives me resolve.

 

It’s so hard not to act when you think the person might want to get back together and is waiting for you to make the first move. But after my experience and reading those of others here on ENA, I truly believe that in nearly all cases, if the dumper really does want it, they will come to you and say so. I wish I could have believed that, or tried harder to, anyway. I wish I could have assumed that she felt the way she did, without forcing her to tell me to back off.

 

SuperDave and others here said that will happen, but we always think our case will be different.

[SuperDave71]

We warned ya! JUST KIDDING!!!

 

 

ha ha

 

 

Great post Tony...now you will NEVER make that same mistake again.

 

 

 

 

-SuperDave71

[bubbles07]

I also think its that thing where "if you chase them, they keep running, but once you stop chasing them, they stop running and start chasing you." (not in all cases though )

[TonyMar75]

We warned ya! JUST KIDDING!!!

 

 

ha ha

 

 

Great post Tony...now you will NEVER make that same mistake again.

 

 

 

 

-SuperDave71

 

Ha ha is right! Thanks for the laugh, Dave. I need all the laughs I can get at this point.

 

But you're right. I caved to the irrationality of a broken heart.

 

The irony of life: I was the one being warned. I didn't heed it. Now I'm warning others!

 

To quote Dave: Think with you head, dumpees, not your heart!

[ahhh2jz]

tony sorry to hear about this bro; im stickying this for myself if that moment of weakness comes... i wish you the best!

[Belle]

Tony,

 

I don't think you made a mistake in this case. It sounds like you wanted to try to make up for something you did that may have pushed her away. You're only going to get resolution by communicating to her that you understand where you went wrong and leave it in her hands. Unfortunately, it's probably too soon for her to even be open to it. Now you know she's not interested so you have a sense of closure. You wouldn't have had you not discussed it. Now you can move on.

[TonyMar75]

Tony,

 

I don't think you made a mistake in this case. It sounds like you wanted to try to make up for something you did that may have pushed her away. You're only going to get resolution by communicating to her that you understand where you went wrong and leave it in her hands. Unfortunately, it's probably too soon for her to even be open to it. Now you know she's not interested so you have a sense of closure. You wouldn't have had you not discussed it. Now you can move on.

 

Wow, Belle: TRULY insightful and dead-on. I started this thread today in the heat of the emotion that came after her e-mail. I was shocked she could be so cold in response to my attempts to reconnect, and to show her that my attempt to stay together right after the breakup wasn't just from a desperate desire to avoid being alone, but because I truly love her and want it to work. But after that, I did not beg and plead every day for a month. I left her alone. In her email today, she made it sound like I was pestering the hell out of her, and in such a cold way. That really hurts.

 

I'm realizing now how she deals with grief: she builds walls. She's sad it didn't work out, and now she's cutting me off to deal with it. And so you're right: it's too soon for her to even think about really being open about it. Perhaps she never will.

 

But in the end, you and others are right: while I know now I should have stuck with NC, there is no doubt now on her part about how I feel, and I can rest easier and move on.

 

I do have one question for everyone out there, and perhaps by asking this it shows how far I still have to go to be over this because it reeks of the desperate dumpee trying to overanaylze everything (I think someone here called it mental masturbation), but here goes:

 

I gave her a diamond pendant for Christmas. She still wears it every day to work (we work together). It's tortuous to see it hanging around her lovely neck every day, but it's there.

 

Any thoughts, especially women out there?

 

A note: she gave me a guitar for Christmas, and while it's a somewhat painful reminder, I still play it every day.

 

Thanks again, everyone, for being here for me.

[Pisces_Princess]

Hi Tony,

 

I think I said this in a PM to you. My ex bought be a beautiful pendant on my birthday the first year we were together and I wore it all the time but I don't think I will ever wear it again, it makes me feel too sad...but as the dumpee I feel that I am probably more sensitive to the little things than the dumper would be.

 

Perhaps she just doesn't see a correlation between wearing your gift and her feelings?

[TonyMar75]

Hi Tony,

 

I think I said this in a PM to you. My ex bought be a beautiful pendant on my birthday the first year we were together and I wore it all the time but I don't think I will ever wear it again, it makes me feel too sad...but as the dumpee I feel that I am probably more sensitive to the little things than the dumper would be.

 

Perhaps she just doesn't see a correlation between wearing your gift and her feelings?

 

Hey, Pisces. Thanks for the input. I think it’s just that she loves jewelry, but it’s just a weird contradiction that she can wear it yet be so cold and distant to me.

 

I must admit that it would probably be MORE painful if she never wore it, though. At least this way I feel the level of animosity on her part is not so high that the thought of wearing it disgusts her.

 

I know it’s not healthy to even be wondering about it. I have to assume you’re right: that she can separate the pendant from what has happened between us, just like I’m able to play the guitar she gave me. I need to put it out of my mind.

 

Still, I’d be up for other input from other people, because I'm still a little pathetic like that. I'm working on it!

 

Thanks again.