I'm in a little pickle

[Princess Blue]

My ex dumped at the beginning of december and I set myself a goal of 60 days nc so that I could heal properly. My 60 days will be up in a week and everyones been saying how strong I am to have stuck with it. So far he has text me about 10 times general how are you texts but i've ignored them and he hasn't sent more than 1 text at a time with a gap of about 2 weeks.

 

Last night he text me asking how i was. He sent me 3 texts after that saying he's just letting me know that he's quit smoking and is biking 20kms a day and feeling good (he dumped me because he needed to move towns to get away from his bad crowd and get clean off drugs he got addicted to). He said it would be nice to know how i am? i didn't text back and next i got a text saying he knows i'm awake coz he can feel it but the only thing he doesn't know right now is why he gets no reply. Again i ignored (it was so hard to) the last text he sent me was to tell me that he hasn't been with another girl or even looked twice, he's sorry he lied and hurt me so bad and could i plz text him back to let him know i'm ok, and he wants us to be friends.

 

Ironically yesterday i had reached a point where i had accepted the situation, made feeling letter of forgiveness (it helps so much btw its in the book mars and venus: starting over. very recommended) and could finally look back and not feel angry or too sad, but happy at the experience we had together.

 

I told myself he couldn't be in my life unless he apologised..i guess he has now.

 

This morning i got a voicemail left on my phone by a man asking him to ring a number and quote a reference. I'm wondering if i should break my last week of nc until my goal of 60 days to pass this message on. I'm not the type of girl who couldn't pass this on as i think its from the job he applied for when we were together....

 

Any suggestions? Should i pass it on, and not talk about anything else or answer his reply text? I'm not ready to be friends yet but i'd love him in my life in the future maybe 6 months or a year from now..

 

thanks for reading

[Parsley]

I would definitely pass on the message, just in an email or something, so that you keep it concise, and don't run the risk of him answering the phone and having to endure a conversation you don't want to have. If you feel like you don't want him back in your life yet, then don't force it. You could say something to that effect : I'm just not ready to have you in my life yet. Please respect that.

[kermit]

Why not pass on the message and tell him the truth, that you're not ready to see him again? What is the benefit of leaving him wondering? tell him thanks, but no thanks right now. Then he'll stop calling, and if he doesn't you can ignore him.

[AwdreeHpburn]

for sure pass it on with a note that you're doing well but are trying to heal.

 

If trying to get clean was his real motivation, whilst it may be hard for you to deal with, he may have done the right thing.

 

I'm not saying you should forgive him or get back in touch but at least support him as far as letting him know you're ok - don't ya think??

[Princess Blue]

I think the best idea would be to pass on the message the only reason i haven't already is that i set myself a goal of 60 days nc and its about that in 5 days....

 

I guess i've been ignoring him because isn't that what nc is about? Not answering them?

 

I suppose it was justifiable ignoring him when he dumped me over text and had lied about being on drugs but then i think well now he's apologised and he does seem to have made himself a better life in another town which i'm happy for him for.

 

This is our 3rd breakup. The first time i did the usual begging, the 2nd time i did nc for a month and when i started talking again he starting winning me over with his charm. This time its different, he's in another town so i'm not in danger of getting back with him: this time is permanent.

 

I guess i'm being selfish in thinking, he dumped me over text why should i give him the satisfaction of being in his life this year at all...i suppose i've acted as though i've fallen off the face of the earth and i feel like this might make him realise how much he took me for granted now that i'm no longer there for him

 

phew sorry guess that was a vent!

thanks for your replies, i think i'll wait for a few hours and send the details to him in a text

[Locke2121]

I know he left you.....but you said he did it to clean up his life? I don't mean to play devil's advocate, but can you hold that against him? Was it a totally selfish thing, where he just made the decision and ran, or was it a long buildup? You couldn't go with him or what. I'd really like to know.

 

I know your hurt, and by keeping away from him your becoming strong enough to stand up to any future events, but I would still like to know if you supported a decision he made or if he just split.

[Princess Blue]

Awdree, yes i think that getting clean was his real motivation and i'm so proud of him for taking that initiative to move towns and get help from his sister who has gotting clean off the very same drug and has stayed off it.

 

I kinda feel guilty because when he told me he had gotten down the wrong path and got addicted i said i was proud of him for wanting to get clean and that i would support him...and i havent been by ignoring him have i?

 

Locke, he basically text me and then rung me saying that he's sorry but his life has to change and he's ending the relationship and moving to tauranga which is a town 1.5 hours away. I couldn't have gone if i wanted because i go to university here. Also i had told him in the past that if he lied again that was it, his chance with me was ruined. I suppose in admitting he lied he realised he'd messed up and had to leave..

 

I know that he still loves me, and i love him, but as he said in our last phone call when we broke up we just aren't right together right now. He said he still loves me, and doesn't want any other girl, but his life had to change he had to move towns to get a job, get clean and start fresh (and it sounds like he's doing well). He also said he needed to grow up because i was more mature than he was and while he wanted marriage and kids by 21 i wanted to get my degree and travel. He also said maybe in a few years we'll be on the same page again and who knows what might happen.

 

He was my best friend, he knows me better than anyone and i miss his friendship greatly

[Princess Blue]

Thank you everyone your posts have given me a new perspective...

 

I feel incredibly selfish now, he did leave for a good reason and repeatedly told me it was nothing i did but 1 bad decision to try p at a party got him addicted and he needed to get his life back on track and i couldn't be with him while that happened because he didn't want to drag me down with him...

 

wow i've been mean...i told him i'd support him and i haven't.

 

I was just so hurt and everyone seemed to saying nc is the way to go...

[Locke2121]

oops, cross-posted..ok, my questions are answered. Dumped you by TEXT?! Thats just freakin' wrong. He could have at least had the cojones to tell you in person.

[Princess Blue]

Yeah see that was my reason for ignoring his texts...he was a coward and dumped me over text (without a reason), then a call 5 minutes later informing me he had an addiction and was currently driving towards his new home town..

 

Although we broke up for a good reason, it really hurt he couldn't do it in person because he hates confrontation and felt i'd change his mind if he saw me in person...and thats why i've told myself he wont be in my life unless he apologises..

 

Still we went out for 3.5 years and he's my first everything and I shouldn't ignore him when he's telling me about how his life is getting on track..

 

oh im so confused

[DN]

I don't think you should feel selfish. It's natural to feel as you do.

 

But I would pass on the message and do it in a friendly way.

[majord23]

Is there any chance that the message was left by one of his friends?

 

...or maybe it's me being cynical.

[Princess Blue]

majord, haha no it was definitely a bored sounding older man asking for him to call a particular number between the business hours of blah blah and to quote a certain number...

 

Yes i will definitely pass the message on...

So is the opinion that i pass it on friendly and leave it at that? If he replies asking how i'm doing would it be rude not to answer? I think i'll just say i'm doing well and ask him if he could pay me the money back he owes because i'll need it for university fees

[Lady Bugg]

Hi princess.....

 

It sounds as if your ex is trying to crack the door of communication...bit by bit. I think he should be commended for getting his life back on track...although yes his way of going about it was not exactly the best.

 

I don't think you're selfish either...but if your goal is to eventually get back together with him then I think SOME communication needs to happen. This does not mean you have to allow him back in right away.....and definetely make him work for the right to be in your life again....with his actions..NOT his words. Saying you're sorry is great...but SHOWING it..means more.

 

My advice would be to reply to SOME of his messages.....but keep them short and cordial. No need to spill everything.....and just see where it goes.

 

Now if you have no desire to get back together..then be very short and businesslike. No personal info shared.....and yes....ask for your money back. Otherwise NC.

[Princess Blue]

Lady bug thanks for your reply, at this stage i know that since i'm 18 and he was my first bf i should use this opportunity to see what its like dating other people, and i would want to before/if anything was to happen between me and my ex in the future.

 

I say this because he has been with another person in the past but then came back to me but i don't know any different from him (although i only ever wanted to marry him).

 

I want us to be friends at some point, but i also hope that in a few years when we've both grown up some more there would be an opportunity to try again but by no means am i counting on that happening...

 

I've read on some other peoples posts that if there was any hope of getting together again in the future that its best to live separate lives in the mean time then initiate contact. Is it possible to be friends now and date around (although i have no desire to date anyone at the moment) and have any chance of being together say 3 years from now?

 

Right now i feel ok with how things are because i know its for the best. However the thought of him with another girl does make my stomach feel yuck...but at the same time i know he would need that experience dating other people like i need it. Then that text last night with him saying he hasn't been with anyone or even looked twice made me feel really happy.

 

The first time we broke up i was 16 and he slept with another girl, the 2nd time he tried to get me back after a week realising his mistake and made a point of telling me he hadn't been with any other girl.

 

Is he trying to make me feel better? Reassuring me the break up was for him to get his life on track and not for another girl?

Do i make any sense??

 

I sent a text to him with the details..i rung the number myself first and it was from a financial place about overdue accounts and i'm left wondering why they rung MY cell phone...eek i hope i'll get my money back that he owes

[Parsley]

Princess - I just wanted to say I'm amazed at how well you've stuck it out...with your ex texting you a lot and not replying. My ex just text me tonight...I thought I was going to have a heart attack, but caved and replied. I hadn't had to deal with that before...and wow. You must be as strong as steel not to respond! I really commend you.

[Princess Blue]

Parsley - Thanks! its not been easy for me i can tell you that, and its always happened when i've least expected it so i can understand how you felt you would have a heart attack!

 

I set myself a goal of 60 days and its been one huge rollercoaster of emotions..i've come close to breaking nc many times but i just distract myself on here until the urge passes...

 

I've broken my nc today but i don't feel bad because it was necessary to pass on this important message. When i do get a text from him i text my friend straight away instead and she talks me out of replying to him saying things like 'he's just seeing if you'll reply so let him wonder'.

 

Or as another suggestion, turn your phone off and do something else distracting for the next few hours until your hearts calmed down and you can think if its rationally worth it

[BeStrongBeHappy]

is there any chance he is giving your phone number out as his when he borrows money so they won't dun him when he doesn't pay it back? or any chance he has your other private identification numbers and is using them to get credit with?

 

addicts can develop some beastly habits and tricks to get money and use other people to feed their habits... so if you gave him any private identification info, checking account numbers, etc., please be careful with that and change the numbers. the fact that a creditor is calling YOUR number is not a good sign...

 

also, you assume he is trying to get back with you for personal reasons... maybe he will charm you to try to borrow more money?

 

and one more cyncical thought.. i have know a few people who have skipped town quickly because they had drug problems and owed a shady character a LOT of money and were afraid so left town for a while... are you really sure he was in rehab, or just an excuse to cover for his absense...

 

anyway, he has cheated on you before etc., has a drug habit, money problems... not the best person for romance, and maybe not trustworthy at all...

 

if it were me, my contact with him would be to tell him you want your money back NOW, and see how he behaves... also ask him why he is giving out YOUR number as his own to places that lend money...

 

if he does pay you (not just TALK about paying you), and has a steady job, and is obviously clean and no drugs, then you *might* consider seeing him. but otherwise he sounds like he is not the best of prospects, even as a friend.

[Princess Blue]

Thanks for your honest reply

 

I was wondering why they rung my phone but the message left was "this message is for ______ can he please ring...." I was thinking it might be because he had lost his phone at one point when we were together and was always with me so gave my number.

 

I passed the message on to him and the next day asked for my money back but no reply so honestly I feel like he's not texting me to make a point about me not texting him...i was willing to open my door a little and perhaps try starting communication slowly again but this has made me think it might need a bit longer nc..

 

As for the cheating in the past, well that was 2 years ago where he hooked up with a girl at a party and apparently nothing happened more until he went out with her for the 2 months we were broken up, and i forgave him for that and moved on.

 

The money he owes me for sure WASN'T used on drugs as it was me giving him the money to buy a new push bike to start his exercise on (which he's using everyday now apparently) and a new phone and i was there when he bought it...

 

As for moving towns quickly, i think thats because he originally comes from that town and his (alcoholic) mum (who he doesn't talk to) and his younger sister (who was addicted to the same drug at 1 point but is now clean) lives there, and he moved away from them at age 11 to live in my town with his dad (who's now moved to australia) and he was living with his 2 older brothers here temporarily.

 

He was in a rut, he quit his apprenticeship and couldn't find another job, his brothers were constantly on his back and he had to get away from his drug dealer friend who introduced him to the drug and was supplying to him....i'm not sure if he owed money and left quickly but i honestly believe he did it because his sister has been addicted to the same drug and me and her are the only people he's told and she's helping him.

Also his brother got addicted to the same drug and got over it by moving from the town my ex lives in now, to my town.

 

Its such a disfunctional family....it makes my head spin!

 

The fact that he hasn't replied to my text confuses me...do you think i should text again to get a definate answer on getting my money back and to ask why the person rung MY phone number??

 

Thanks to anyone who's given their thoughts on this, it really helps