Dealing With my wifes affair

[Ucipe]

I thought I would share whats just happened to me.

 

Me and my wife have been married for 9 years together for 20 with 3 kids.

 

I knew that things were not right for the last 10 months, people say you always know when these things happen and I believe that if I would have challenged this, it may have been fixed.

 

She had an affair with someone 15 years younger, on and off for a number of months.

 

So I love her and trying hard to fix this. But I believe and positively that this will work. I know all the gory details and have sorted these out with myself, some arguments and anger but I have dealt with them . Small flashbacks but slowly going away.

 

The only saving grace is that this affair was purely my wife getting attention and missing out on her younger years (after 3 kids, new jo, lost weight, going out with friends etc etc.). I understand this and why it happened.

 

The deceit is hard to deal with, but my wife is telling me everything and this we are sorting out together.

 

Days are not perfect, but they are getting better.

 

What keeps me going is by knowing how good me and my wife can be together and also the communication that was missing before is kept into place.

 

It takes each of you to be honest and calm, no fights no resentment. Plenty of communication and agree what you both really want at the end.

 

if you want each other, promise and move forward.

 

The one thing I learnt is that the reasons why this started are due to communication and taking each other for granted. Anybody who thinks somethings is going on challenge them regardless on how bad you may feel, communication is the key to preventing it in the first place.

 

I will keep this post updated if it help, this site as been a great help for me and many thanks.

[Skippy]

thank you for your post. Though it doesnt apply to me, the advice will enlighten many other that comes on this site.

I admire you for your strenght to pull though this. I have seen many relationship fall apart because of this situation and have also seen the pain and suffering caused b this.

Be strong and be safe. Best wishes in the future.

[lostinwilderness]

I am glad to hear that there is hope for repairing relationships damaged by an affair. Your courage to move past your hurt and address the issues in your relationship is inspiring. Someone posted recently that the choice to stay or go depends on each relationship and the people involved. It sounds like you made the right choice for you.

 

Thank you for sharing and best wishes to you and your wife.

[Jeff777]

I'm encouraged to hear that you hung in there.

I've thought of doing the same in the future - my wife ran off with my brother in April 2006 - and now is in jail in Florida and wants to start over.

 

The problem is - I just don't want to - and I'm not "in love" with her. We have (4) kids 4-15 and now I'm Mr. Mom - it's tough.

 

But I don't want to go back to hell - that's for sure.

Keep up the good work my friend. I believe the weld after the break can be stronger.

[yeawutever]

Wow you're sooo brave to work it out, keep up with the good work, I'm sure you'll get past this, it does takes time.

[Northalius]

I believe you hit the nail on the head: It's all about communication!

 

I just can't stress that enough. So many people lack communication in their relationships, and are afraid to share with their partner their true feelings about issues; then do things behind their partners' back. Then all the problems really start to happen.

 

Imagine your arms, legs and other body parts lacked communication with your brain?! Could you just imagine? The body (analogous of the body of marriage, or any relationship in general) will fall to the ground eventually. You need to work your body out with exercise! Eat the right foods, take your vitamins, etc. to stay healthy! And falling to the ground will not happen if you keep it up.

 

Like you said, they started happening when you took her for granted! When we do that, that's when we give up on the relationship; when we let the spark die out, and thus when the communication starts to whither down to nothing.

[Locke2121]

People make mistakes, and I think that they deserve at least one chance to fix them. It sounds to me like your wife is trying. Keep those lines of communication up and running. I've heard that is one of the biggest reasons people cheat, they feel they aren't getting enough information exchange between themselves and their SO.

[jimthzz]

I know I would not be. I would be so pissed off!

 

being understanding is ok, I guess. But I also think it is instrumental in your recovery to own and exfress some anger to her about what she did.

 

Being overly empathic to her 'reasons" for cheating may be giving her a pass.

[radioheader]

i am glad that you are doing well and working things out.....just be aware that emotions can come out of nowhere and that is okay...you just have to deal with them (her too!) and not bottle them up....i have been thru this too! and we have so far been able to salvage our marriage! good luck to you!

[Ucipe]

Thanks for your replies and encouragement. This is an update where we are:

 

Where we started:

 

1) My wife told me everything, all the truth and probably the bits I did not want to know at the time. But I knew everything. She answered every question and it hurt - badly.

2) We then sat down and understand what and why this had happened, again a lot of talking and a lot of hurt. But at least I and my wife both understand and agree why.

3) I confided in 2 people (1 who had been through it before) and my mum. The reassurance I had from these people was great and at the same time they (especially my mum) was very constructive towards me (not that she expected this to happen but more there was a risk this would happen due to x,y and z).

 

Summary

 

1) Once you understand the facts, the one thing that is clear is that my wife wasn’t looking for a person but a different situation; it just takes anther person to build the situation.

2) Even though my wife did the ‘dirty deed’, it was a shared set of circumstances that led up to this.

3) It was clear that even though I wanted to ask the questions and say my piece, that my wife has to do the same thing, thereforeeee limit the anger and plenty of listening both sides (walks help massively not facing each other, side by side, fresh air. Also a long drive helps too).

 

Next:

 

The anger is hard, knowing the details make me re-live them and thereforeeee I have to deal with them. Able to communicate and ask questions helps with the reassurance and trust, it hurts just has much of my wife to answer then it does for me to ask and listen.

 

The one thing is definitely clear, the emotion that me and my wife feel to each other, we haven’t said things in a way to each other for a long time.

 

It is very sad that our marriage had to go through this, just because of principals, points of views and lack of communication.

 

Things are getting better and there are more positives than negatives now. So fingers crossed

 

We are talking about relate. So will post in a couple of weeks.