5 Hour Conversation with the ex

[GoingForIt_77]

2 days after we broke up she had an abortion. She was pregnant with my baby. I just found this out tonight. I called her and she called me back and she was receptive.

 

We spoke for 5 hours on the phone tonight.

 

Not easy on either of us, but things were put out there.

 

As for this Sunday, she wanted to have her friend drive her and wait in the car. I told her if she can't see me (because it's too hard to do so), then I would just mail her her stuff. She said no. I told her I don't understand and she said, well, part of me wants to see you. Then I said okay, come on your own and I will walk you to the bus stop and we will go from there.

 

She is still very much in love with me. She said that she'll never get over me and she thinks of me night and day.

 

She says that her head can't let go of what I did to her, but her heart wants me back.

 

It was a LONG and difficult conversation. She let me call her babe and sweetie and I did.

 

She is hurting A LOT.

 

She says that it's great that I am changing and she sees it, but she says, why couldn't you have been like this when we were together? She also says that I can't take away her hurt, seeing I'm the one that caused it, but me having given her space HAS helped her to be able to talk to me now.

 

She is definitely not over me. Not even close.

 

The door for communication is open though. At first she said she doesn't know, but she really wants it to be, when I said maybe we shouldn't talk.

 

All in all, I was going to keep it short and light until she brought up the abortion issue and then, that snowballed into very serious and emotional issues.

 

I left it at she can call me, but if I don't hear from her before Sunday, I will call her to confirm plans. She asked me if I ate and was still very concerned about me (in a motherly way). It felt nice. I missed that. She's confused and is hurting. This girl can't be pressured right now, but it's not a lost cause either. Worth sticking around to see where it can go, while I continue to go for help.

[LetThemEatCake]

I hate to be the Debbie-downer here, and I am certainly not just trying to cast aspersions on your girls character, BUT

 

it is a very oft occurrence that young women will "confess" to having had an abortion or a miscarriage of a faux-pregnancy when they are either trying for attention of a lost love or to end a relationship.

 

I have never done it, but can name no less than 6 friends who did it when I was younger. I know that there is an epidemic of teenage girls "confessing" to being pregnant with their guys just to cement the relationship. ( I read it in Vogue or something).

 

Is there anyway to be sure that she did? Is she still bleeding, etc? If she just had it, it would be too soon for her to be lifting and moving her things...

 

If I am wrong, I will be happy to admit it. Just walk carefully when dealing with such an easily faked situation...

[majord23]

I understand what you're saying LTEC but in this case she has no motivation to do so. In the case of a 'dumpee', I can see how someone may use means (and unfortunately they are sometimes extreme ones) to ilicit attention/sympathy.

But as I said, in this particular situation I really can't see any reason for her to have made it up

[Bethany]

I understand what you're saying LTEC but in this case she has no motivation to do so. In the case of a 'dumpee', I can see how someone may use means (and unfortunately they are sometimes extreme ones) to ilicit attention/sympathy.

But as I said, in this particular situation I really can't see any reason for her to have made it up

 

I can't see any reason for her to have made it up either. I think she has had enough on her plate as it is.

 

GFI, we have crossed swords on another thread, but I have to say that I wouldn't wish what you are both going through on even my worst enemy and I am truly sorry to hear what has happened.

 

Whether you both rise from the ashes and grow from this experience, who knows. And I don't know if she told you her reason(s) for doing this but even I can see that this has changed everything and I wish you luck.

[GoingForIt_77]

Thanks for your kind words guys.

 

Well, yeah, it was a trying night. It was filled with emotions.

 

NO, we are not back together and no, she still has the conflict between her head and her heart. On one end, her heart loves me and has missed me more than I know (her exact words) and then her head is protecting her heart, because she's scared that if her heart gives in to what she's feeling, then it will risk getting hurt again.

 

She did tell me how much she has appreciated the fact that I have given her space. It means a lot to her and it's what allowed her to feel comfortable enough to take it to the phone and hence, talk for 5 hours with me.

 

She is still hurting A LOT. She has lost 20 pounds in less than 3 weeks. She cries a lot and feels empty and hurt. She doesn't sleep and she told me that she doesn't feel very strong.

 

She let me call her baby and sweetie last night. She was concerned about me, if I was eating and so forth and it's as if the feelings were still there and THEY ARE.

 

She tells me she sees a change and feels the change in me, but she still has that block.

 

As for Sunday (the day she is coming over to make the exchange). She was going to have her gf drive her and wait in the car originally and she still may, but I think part of her WANTS to see me, because, I gave her the option. I told her if it will hurt too much to see me, then I will mail you your stuff and she said no. She then said, if she comes alone, she can't stay long. I agreed.

 

It's a start in the right direction.

 

The way we left things off, is that I told her that I'd like to hear from her, but if I don't, then I will call her before (or on) Sunday.

 

We said goodnight.

 

This is where I am at.

[ImThatGirl]

She tells me she sees a change and feels the change in me, but she still has that block.

 

Please make sure you are taking this one day at a time. I am concerned that you still may be looking too much into this. You want to work things out so badly that everything she says or does can seem like it may happen. Just try to see a clear picture.

 

I am sorry for the pain you may be feeling regarding her getting an abortion.

[lady00]

An abortion is probably one of the most traumatic things a woman can experience even if she is fully sure she doesn't want the baby. Your ex has been through so much recently, the breakup plus the abortion on top of is a lot for one person to handle. I think you're right to be very cautious here and letting her make all the decisions about what level of contact she's comfortable with. If she is going to come back, it will take a lot of healing and a lot of time. But right now, the focus should be on both of you working on your emotional health and happiness separately. Good luck with the exchange. It's likely going to be emotional and difficult so try your best to prepare yourself for that.

[GoingForIt_77]

She was VERY open with me on Monday, hence the 5 hour conversation. The love is still there. That is undeniable. She was NOT cold. Still very warm and caring and emotional.

 

The conflict lies between her head and her heart. Her heart loves me. Her heart is also scared to get hurt by me again. Her head is protecting her heart, but on Monday night, her head not only saw, but FELT a change in the way I treated her and it allowed her to stay on the phone for 5 hours when only 2-3 weeks earlier, she didn't even want to hear my voice AT ALL. My having given her space was HUGE for her.

 

It's a progression as I see it. NO pressure. Being there for her every now and then, while asking nothing of her.

 

I'll be giving her a call tomorrow night (Thursday) to say hi. I'd be nice to talk a little more (lighter stuff) and then confirm plans for Sunday and hopefully she'll have decided to not bring her gf with her. That will show me that she is open to letting herself take a chance on getting to trust me as a person who won't hurt her. I won't keep her long on Sunday. I won't make it heavy. If she gets emotional, I will comfort her. I know she says that I can't take away her pain, seeing I'm the one who put it there, but all I want to be is be there for her, but baby steps are what is required. I know that.

[lady00]

It sounds like things are getting better between you two and its good that you're on speaking terms again. I forgot to say in my post...as much as it is traumatic for her to have had the abortion, I'm sure its traumatic for you to hear about it after the fact. I'm sorry you had to go through that. It sounds like you're going in the right direction but make sure you really do take baby steps. You're in a difficult situation because on the one hand she is more comfortable talking to you than before, but on the other hand she could easily be driven away again. So, it's a tough spot to be in for both of you but it seems like you've got the right attitude toward the upcoming meeting with her.

[GoingForIt_77]

Lady, I was thinking, well, I was thinking if after I call her tomorrow night and IF she answers, or if not, if she calls me back, well, if it goes relatively smoothly and IF she has decided to come alone on Sunday, THEN, I will go Friday night after work and make an appointment for her to go to a spa for the day in the city (mud bath and swedish massage).

 

It is my way of helping her take away a bit of the stress. Sure, it will be at least $150, but if she is comfortable enough to come on her own on Sunday, which will also show me that she is somewhat open, then I will give her the gift certificate and yes, no one has ever done this type of thing for her. Also, after having gone through an abortion and having lost 20+ pounds, it's exactly what her body deserves.

 

What do you think Lady and the rest of you guys too?

[keefy1972]

Don't do that GFI!!! Please. As well-intentioned as it is, it will be, unfortunately, perceived as being very pushy.

 

You need to treat yourself to a day at the spa or something else. Just do something for yourself as it will be more productive in the end.

 

You'll be doing more by just being empathetic. Trust me on this one.

[keefy1972]

I know where your intentions lie but she's only going to think negatively of something like that for right now. You need to continue to work your way back into her good graces first. Spending money on her is only going to make her think that you're trying to buy your way back in. Is this making any sense to you?

[lady00]

I agree with Keefy. I don't think it's the right time for a gift. I have been told and I believe that gift-giving when you want your ex back can actually push them away because they may see it as manipulative (I know, doesn't seem to make sense, but if you look at it from her perspective she might question your motives...she might assume you are doing more than just being a nice guy and she may fear that you expect something in return such as her giving you romantic attention even if you make it clear that that's not what you're doing, there's no telling what she'll think).

 

I think it's at the very least a risky gesture. It's not clear how she will react even if things go well on Sunday. She might decide she needs more space after the exchange in which case she will see a gift from you as an invasion of her space. Or she might just take it as you trying to get some kind of reaction other than her simply saying thank you and enjoying the gift. I think the situation is a bit too delicate right now for you to do anything other than simply make the exchange and just wait and see what happens. If she's going to come back, it's going to be up to her coming to you and you being receptive but not making any moves of your own (by "moves" I don't mean hitting on her, I mean any kind of actions at all that are initiated by you even if they are intented by you as purely friendly and not romantic).

[finewhine]

GFI: I was in your girlfriend's shoes. Several years ago, my boyfriend cheated on me and I dumped him. Three weeks later, I discovered I was pregnant. Of COURSE I called him. I only told four people about what had happened, and I needed him for support. He was living out of state at the time, but I called him and stayed on the phone with him for hours, crying and such.

 

He was very supportive during that time. However, as soon as I recovered from the trauma of the abortion (as justified/necessary/etc. as it was), I went right back to being glad that we were over.

 

OK, that sounds callous. You didn't cheat on your girlfriend with one of her best friends, right? In any case, I'm not suggesting that she'll treat you the same as I treated that cheater. What I AM saying is that the FURTHEST THING FROM YOUR EX'S MIND RIGHT NOW IS ROMANCE. Trust me, I've been there!

 

She's vulnerable! She's TOTALLY DEMOLISHED. She's trying to get through her days in a normal fashion after having undergone a procedure that's totally traumatic, not to mention totally unmentionable and reviled by a significant number of people in the U.S. You can't take time off from work for an abortion. Although you feel like crying, you can't start crying and tell people that you're crying because you had an abortion. You're in extreme physical pain; you're weak; you have problems walking. It's far from done once you walk out of the doctor's office.

 

I say, send her the spa thing if you want to, but know this will ONLY be received as a friendly gesture. She's a vulnerable wreck right now. I personally couldn't even THINK about sex or men for several months after the procedure, and I was 100% confident in my decision to have it.

 

BE HER FRIEND. If you love her, be her friend. She needs a friend!

[GoingForIt_77]

UPDATE:

 

Called the ex tonight. She actually answered. She was a lot more layed back then Monday. Sounded maybe a bit flat and indifferent, but friendly nonetheless.

 

We spoke for quite awhile (about an hour) and it went well for the most part.

 

I find myself trying really hard at times. The compliments are coming on a bit heavy and I DO feel she deserves them. I tell her how happy I am that she's happy now and that she's really strong and courageous and that I'm really proud of her.

 

She's coming alone on Sunday, but made a point to tell me that she's only staying like for 2 minutes. I then told her if she doesn't want to see me that I can mail her her stuff and she said that if she didn't want to see me, that she would ask me to mail her her stuff (meaning she DOES want to see me). I told her we'll play it by ear.

 

She was also surprisingly very open about what her plans are for this weekend. She told me she's going out tomorrow night and Saturday night. I told her that I'm glad that she is and I told her to have fun (showed NO signs of jealousy at all).

 

At the end of the conversation, I asked her when was the last time she had a professional massage? She told me never. I told her that this Sunday she is busy with me and then her parents for dinner, but next Sunday not to make plans, because she's going to a spa for the day. At first she said she can't accept it and I said, you can and you will, because you deserve it, after everything you've been through. She said okay and thanked me and we said goodnight.

 

PROGRESSION.

[majord23]

PROGRESSION.

 

Don't expect too much here GFI.

I get a feeling that you're still looking to 'resolve' this situation quickly - and could end up disappointed if it doesn't pan out that way.

 

Don't forget to work on *yourself* mate. Remember the feeling you had when your ex didn't reply to your email for a few days? You felt as though you 'deserved' more than that? You can use that experience to learn and grow GFI:

 

Your ex goes to the spa next week. Let's say that she thanks you very much...and then you don't hear from her for a few weeks. You need to imagine how that might feel, and how you would deal with it. You may feel as though you 'deserve' more considering how much it cost you etc.

 

I'm not saying that that is what will happen - but predict the worst and prepare for it.

 

This weekends worst case scenario: She turns up this Sunday, says Hi, stays for 2 minutes, exchanges goods and leaves.

 

Prepare for that - hope for more by all means....but prepare for the above. Anything else that happens is a bonus.

[lady00]

I second everything Majord23 said. Try to prepare yourself for the worst-case scenario. There's not much else you can do other than just try to mentally prepare yourself for that. Don't expect more. You might get more, such as a conversation with her but try not to expect it because you will only end up disapointed if you don't get it. Instead, try to make sure that you have reasonable expectations. It's tough to put yourself in that mindset but it's probably best because if things go better than the worst-case scenario then you'll be pleasantly surprised. If things go the way of the worst-case scenario, you won't be surprised at all.

 

Also, if things do go better, try not to expect too much even in that scenario because it's not impossible that she will lean on you for support until she feels better and then move on. Sad to say, but people do it. You're giving her support right now and she may be receptive but it doesn't necessarily mean anything more than she needs support right now. Only time will tell what will happen.

[GoingForIt_77]

Major and Lady,

 

I hear what your saying guys. I really do and NO, I'm not expecting much from this Sunday. I see it as a progression.

 

I see her allowing me to have more and more with her and I see that she has EVERY right to be apprehensive and every right to take her time and NOT give in.

 

Concerning her leaning on me for support now (which she really isn't doing at all yet) and then vanishing completely from my life, well, I just don't see that happening, because, there are feelings on her end and she left me for a reason. She sees from my actions since the breakup that I have been changing (for me) and she isn't AS scared (clearly), seeing she is now okay with talking on the phone, is OPEN with me as to her plans for this weekend, which involves her going out to bars both on Friday and Saturday and being open about everything else. She is honest and I have nothing but respect for her. I'll always know where I'm standing.

 

She's not here with open arms (not even close), but I do believe that IF she can see continued change and the ability for me to control my emotions on an ongoing basis and if her feelings are still there, she may begin to feel closer to me, but I won't make the mistake of crowding her too early on.

 

I know she may even meet a guy this weekend, seeing her best gf's bf's guy friends will all be going out with her tomorrow night and it's obvious that she's probably trying to set her up, which doesn't bother me. At least I have not control over it, as I don't over her facebook activity.

 

All I am concerning myself with, is how I conduct myself with her. So far she has been nothing but respectful and kind to me and understanding and is letting me have more and more of her (small increments), because I am demonstrating restraint (something I didn't have in the relationship for the most part), patience, confidence, respect for both her and I and I am remorseful and still a caring guy. All of these things MAY be endearing her to me and it may not. Either way, it APPEARS as though her pain is diminishing in time (her moving on and healing) and my attitude with her is helping as well.

 

As for Sunday and for the day at the spa, I know that we will be in contact after this Sunday. I am NOT afraid to make contact with her after Sunday and for the most part, it will probably I who will have to initiate for a bit, until she is comfortable enough to do it on her own again. I am not saying that I'll call every day. Maybe once or twice a week (at most) and I will give a little fulfillment and back off, all the while, I will continue to work on me and whatever comes from that, will come from that. Time and a bit of effort will go a long way imo. In fact, I (we) have come a long way already since the breakup.