Betrayed by my 7 year lover - Please Help!

[Cyprian]

Thanks for the insight.

 

Just to be sure - if she calls, I do NOT answer, right? I am just at the start of SuperDave's incredible thread on NC, but I have a lot to read.

 

If she calls a few times and I do not answer, after a month or so should I start to answer her calls and try to keep it light and friendly? "Hey how are ya, im fine, etc."?

 

Thanks guys.

[friscodj]

She is dead to you my friend...and talking to the dead will only scare the crap out of you...

 

There is nothing that she can possibly say that speaks louder than what she has already told her in her actions...

[Locke2121]

Forget her dude....you have to worry about getting on with your own life.

[Cyprian]

Just humor me then: pretend for a minute that I do this NC thing, and either I grow as a person and never speak with her again, or I grow as a person and she realizes her 'mistake' (that which you say is not a mistake but simply a character flaw - so let's call it a character flaw which she recognizes and corrects, or matures and outgrows)...

 

If after a long time and some relationships with other women I learn to forgive her, and she does want me back (and corrected her character flaw - I know you think this is near impossible, but please just pretend for a minute then), how do I maximize my chances of making her go crazy over me again?

[Locke2121]

You don't. If its meant to happen it will, but right now all you are doing is hurting yourself by indulging in "what if" fantasies. Cut off contact and get on with your life. I'm not saying this won't hurt, it will. But day by day you will make your own way in the world and you'll do it without her. Stop playing the mind games (almost impossible, I know) and move on.

[pacopaco]

Hi,

 

I posted earlier in the thread, and have been following. Cyp, I went through all this last year. My ex cheated on me in Feb. we stayed in contact periodically all year long. If your ex calls, do not answer. I made the biggest mistake in staying in contact with her. It brought me pain on top of pain. We'd meet, talk a little, have sex, maybe go out to dinner and then end up in the same sad confused state. To be honest, it's only been a month of total NC, and it hurts now, a year later.

I felt like you. "She lost her way, she didn't mean this." But the truth was that she got what she wanted (whatever that is,) and it wasn't me. I knew her for ten years, seven of which we were together for. Don't contact her, don't let her contact you. It hurts. it really does. it hurts me now, and i think "how much would I have healed, if I hadn't spoken to that woman all year?" I may have been able to speak to her now. Who knows. As it is, though, I am angry. I feel that she was calling me for her own reasons that have nothing to do with loving me, or caring. Be it her guilt, shame, whatever, it had nothing to do with me, even the sex had nothing to do with me. Don't put yourself there. Heal. Heal well, and expect nothing from a person with the lowest potential.

[cantexplain]

Some good news from my more objective point of view out here - over the past few days I do feel that you are moving forward accepting this end to a bad relationship. Your heart is very broken and will be for a while, but I see some of your rational side eeking through now. This rational side is gonna come forward more and more often and with greater conviction - it must to protect your heart and your soul. It also moves slowly as your heart holds your mind back, protecting your heart's capacity to love and to forgive. Betrayal and humiliation are very hard on people who have the true capacity to committed love. If your rational mind pulled you and your heart out of this all at once - what you are feeling would not be real love. You'd be more like her. And you are not.

 

Its a slow process. Don't rush it. Cry.

 

"Just humor me then: pretend for a minute that I do this NC thing, and either I grow as a person and never speak with her again, or I grow as a person and she realizes her 'mistake' ...

 

when she comes back to you cyprian you will have changed ... unless you contact her and let her keep stringing you along as she has been, You will being kept by her in these dark woods she's made for your relationship.

 

You have been seriously violated but think that she is the one that can heal you?:

 

The messed up thing is that I need to speak with HER about my problems. She knows me more than anyone else. She understands me, and I only want to hear what SHE has to say about it.

 

Ah, not so messed up, understandable in my opinion. Let's break it down. You want to speak to the old her about your problems. The new her is not worried about your problems. The new her is about sporting off to Europe to be with some other guy who is probably some fantasy that will only lead to further attempts, on her part, to find whatever she is looking for which is something inside herself which in the end may only be something which she has lost, and maybe never will find again. Its for her to determine and decide what is best for her.

 

If you do No Contact I bet it very likely you'll hear from her between guys. Yup. You heard me: you will likely hear from her when she's itching with one and moving on to the next.

 

So in time I hope you will change and wish not to be subject to this. In time you will change and begin to recognize the kind of character flaws she is exhibiting and RUN 180 degrees in the other direction.

 

You only want to hear her listen to you and be the old her and who really cared about you like she did before she changed.

 

Tonight when I was driving I heard a song from my childhood by the band The Eagles. I never really culled over the lyrics of this song as an adult to try to grasp the meaning of this song. Meaning, afterall, is often as much in our interpretation of something as it is in the intention of something.

 

Your interpretation is that your old girlfriend made a mistake, is hurting, and will change back.

 

Her intention was to be free and be this new her. That is still her intention.

 

Anyway, the song is probably called "Witchy Woman". When I was a kid I interpreted it to be a song about a witch with an ugly nose in a black dress stirring a pot of poison with her bevy of goblins in the woods - like what we as kids think of the basic witch. When I heard the song this evening I interpreted it to be a song about a type of woman guys like you and I and many of the others of us following your threads have learned to stay far away from.

 

What you wrote sounds so scary - I mean I know people change - but you've seen it happen in hyperspeed.

 

It was so scary when you wrote:

 

 

Before she went to Europe she never drank alcohol. She dressed a certain way. She acted a certain way (part of her actions were being sincere, honest, respectful, not selfish, etc.) . . . Now she drinks, now she dresses like an S__T, now she is dishonest, disrespectful, and selfish.

 

I wouldn't be so alarmed by an occasional drink. All of the other stuff, however is soooo spooky. When you look at her you see the old her all dressed up this way you describe. Trust me, this person now - when she looks in the mirror she only sees herself.

[Cyprian]

Once again I thank you for your time and thoughtful responses. Both of the last posts were very helpful. I am sorry you went through this, all of you on this forum. I feel a sort of mass-empathy for you all. Paco, I think you are on the right track, and hopefully with your help and the help of all the others here I will continue on the correct track as well.

 

Cantexplain thank you so much again. I don't know what will happen over the next few days, weeks, months, years, but as long as people like you continue to help people like me out of the darkness, I think I will be fine.

 

Thank you again.

 

One last question, by the way. If I am receiving so much help from all of you, why can't my Ex (weird calling her that) receive help from others who have the answer for her? Surely someone does hold her answers. I know, I know, "Stop thinking about her Cyprian! She is doing what she wants to!"...I love her though, always...

 

On a side note, I am going to listen to Witchy Woman, just for kicks. I love the Eagles, and all classic rock for that matter.

 

Update: She’s a restless spirit on an endless flight, Wooo hooo witchy woman, see how high she flies....

[cantexplain]

She is a rolling stone now! She doesn't want others' help.

 

As I help you I help me.

 

"Getting by with a little help from my friends"

[dgtx]

My gf and I of 2 1/2 years broke up 3 weeks ago. We talked every day for those 2 1/2 years. I have not initiated NC yet, so I don't want to be hypocritical and advise you to not talk with her. Please try to observe your mental state and energy level if she calls and you answer. I have not decided what to do yet. I miss her. She calls every few days to ask me to do something for her (pick her up at the airport, run errands.) Yet we are supposedly broken-up. I'm very close to telling her not to call me anymore. We each have 1 child from previous relationships/marriages. My kid doesn't want to play with her kid anymore. I've told her this and she keeps pushing me to get my kid to play with her kid. It seems to me that she wants to keep contact for her selfish purposes only. After I told her a week ago what my kid wanted, she hung up on me. Since than she has called me 4 times just to ask me to do something for her! (I've acquiesced, maybe because I feel sorry for her.) My advice to you is don't be afraid to feel the uncertainty of not talking with her. Really feel it. Then try to focus on other things. Think about what in your life (besides her) gives you pleasure. I know that that will be difficult to imagine.

[Cyprian]

Thanks dgtx. Hopefully you decide what to do soon. I miss HER so much it is unbearable.

 

I learned some things from a friend that made me SO angry. I am back to the stages of day 1 I think except that I am more angry than sad now.

 

I am pretty sure that I will never talk to her again in my life and that is very sad for me. I know some of you who are reading this will be happy about that fact...please don't be...for me.

 

I know most people say that she wants to be my friend now for her own selfish reasons, because it will ease her conscience. I think the truth is that she cares about me, and knows I love her the same way she used to love me, but now she doesn't love me like that any more. She feels bad that I am hurt and she wants ME to be able to talk with her if I want to. She actually said something like that to me the other day during our last and final conversation, something like "Call me if you feel the need, if you ever want to talk to someone, etc."

 

I truly think she has totally gotten over me, and since she has a boyfriend already, she won't really be giving me much thought. DAMN I don't even feel like typing right now I am so angry and sad...thats lazy of me...

[Cyprian]

I was actually almost content with my emotions last night. I know they are just chemicals in my brain...why can't I control them?

[TrynToGetBy]

Cyp - I know you're hurting right now and I know that it feels like it will never end but everything is going to be ok. You have everything you need to deal with this inside you. Here are some threads that really helped me when I was feeling like you're feeling now... I hope they help.

 

 

 

 

[Locke2121]

Don't give up! I know your hurting, but giving up now will only make it worse. No matter what you do or say, she isn't coming back. Please don't drag it out, your only hurting yourself.

[Cyprian]

I feel like the last time we spoke, I didn't end it properly.

 

Out of curiosity, what would be the ideal words to say during the final conversation before NC?

[Locke2121]

If you write it, you will agonize over whether or not to send it. You know that. As for intriguing her and making her think of you, why should you? SHE was the one that screwed everything up! She wasn't thinking of the two of you when she hurt you, so why should she get the chance now.

 

Forget her! As hard as that is, forget her. Get on with your life. Your in the worse stage right now. You have to go hour by hour, just to make it through the day. But as time passes, you'll think of her less and less. Just hang in there! Whatever you do, don't contact her, her friends, family....fourth-grade teacher! Nobody and nothing that will remind you of her.

[Cyprian]

REASON FOR EDITING: Took a few beers for me to realize that I cannot type correctly if I am sober.

 

What the HELL? This deserves a new post:

 

 

[dgtx]

may be for you not to tell her about NC. Just don't contact her. It is painful, but you can't tell what another person is thinking. She may or may not have let go of you. That's not the most important thing. You are the most important person in your life. As for me, I'm trying to give up my ex-gf, releasing her when I start thinking about her. We were friends for 7 months before we became intimate. It makes it both easier and harder to do NC.

[cantexplain]

Its hard to let a lover go. Its harder to let a friend go. Its really hard to let one go who is both.

 

In this case at least cyprian has a friend who changed into someone who is not a friend and a lover who betrayed and lied to him. So mostly he is letting go of his idea that this person is someone she is not.

 

cyprian, there is no reason to contact her to tell her that you are not contacting her. Sounds like a reason to talk to someone. She does not deserve these thoughts.

 

If she were to call, I'd say "listen here's the deal: you lied to, cheated on, betrayed and humiliated me. Even if you are sorry, right now I just cannot stomach the idea of talking to you, sharing with you, or trusting you in any way. We played significant roles in one another's lives for a time. I am heading down another path now and you are not welcome to come. Perhaps someday many years from now we can be supportive and caring friends again. But today don't mistake me for a fool who is willing to invest my time and emotions in this relationship and your wanderlust. I wish you the best of luck in life. Please leave mine alone.

[Cyprian]

I understand cantexplain, the only problem is that is NOT how i feel! The way I feel...I don't know...listen to Crosby Stills Nash & Young sing Suite: Judy Blue Eyes, or Helplessly Hoping...

 

I want to talk to her so badly...I really don't know if I will be able to get through this. We were together every single day for seven years...never once did we get sick of each other...only when we were finally separated through time and space did she wander away.

 

No matter what I am doing, no matter how intensely I am concentrating on something to keep my mind away from her, my mind still see's her face and hears her voice.

[Cyprian]

Carry On is another applicable song by CSNY...funny that I feel so alone, but so many songs describe feelings that I have, or will have soon...and so many people on this forum and no doubt all around the world have gone through similar experiences...

 

One morning I woke up and I knew You were really gone.

A new day, a new way, I knew I should see it along.

Go your way, I'll go mine and Carry on.

The sky is clearing and the night Has gone out.

The sun, he come, the world is all full of light.

Rejoice, rejoice, we have no choice but To carry on.

The fortunes of fables are able To sing the song.

Now witness the quickness with which We get along.

To sing the blues you've got to live the tunes and Carry on.

Carry on, Love is coming, Love is coming to us all.

 

Where are you going now my love? Where will you be tomorrow?

Will you bring me happiness? Will you bring me sorrow?

Oh, the questions of a thousand dreams:

What you do and what you see.

Lover can you talk to me?

Girl when I was on my own, Chasing you down,

What was it made you run? Trying your best just to get around.

The questions of a thousand dreams:

What you do and what you see.

Lover can you talk to me?

[cantexplain]

I understand cantexplain, the only problem is that is NOT how i feel! The way I feel...I don't know...listen to Crosby Stills Nash & Young sing Suite: Judy Blue Eyes, or Helplessly Hoping...

 

Yeah my friend and you will struggle with these feelings for a while. Remember what I told you about your mind and your heart in this tug of war which protects your ability to feel love and trust to have faith and to be real.

 

Hey I'm loving it that people your age are listening to the music of my youth.

 

Suite Judy Blue Eyes I believe is about a romance between Judy Collins and Stephen Stills. (He's talented, but a jerk.) They're still both alive and well and I am sure he is still a jerk.

 

Now Helplessly Hoping is where you are right now. And will be for awhile. This is a process and we are here trying to help you recognize that this is a process WE ALL GO THROUGH. It is helpful to recognize the stages, get through them, and move on to the next. Take your time right now. It is way early. Cry.

 

If it helps, let's break down the title of that song, Helplessly Hoping.

 

Hope Last night I attended a group discussion led by a Rabbi. He was trying to help us Christians and Jews distinguish between the Judaic and Christian notions of who goes to Heaven. He used the concept of hope to describe the feeling people have in order to endure life's hardships - especially those among us who are dealt a deck of cards which is short. The way he described it is that ancient peoples saw their friends and family die and their material bodies literally waste back into dust. He translated from Hebrew that we are made of materials (dust) and the breath of life (souls) is breathed into us. When these ancient peoples die, they return to their people. That was their hope. The material goes away, but the soul returns to its people.

 

Help To relieve need, sickness, pain, or distress.

 

Helpless Deprived of strength or power; powerless; incapacitated.

 

So you are feeling powerless about the loss of a person, your old girlfriend, in whom your previous expectations of your life had been centered.

 

(YOU) Helplessly hoping

Her harlequin (buffoon) hovers nearby

Awaiting a word (love)

Gasping at glimpses (grasping at the hope)

Of gentle true spirit (yours is true, hers is not)

He runs, wishing he could fly (fear, like in my flying dreams sometimes)

Only to trip at the sound of good-bye. (BANG! Was that my head or heart?)

 

Wordlessly watching (No Contact)

He waits by the window (I did this when my dad left the family)

And wonders

At the empty place inside (she in you which has died)

Heartlessly helping himself to her bad dreams (being a buffoon again)

He worries

Did he hear a good-bye? Or even hello? (She was stringing you like a yo-yo until No Contact)

They are one person (never really were)

They are two alone (no you are not alone we all have been there)

They are three together (oh how poetic)

They are for each other (you want a dishonest, betraying, partner?)

 

Stand by the stairway (ahh now here we go)

You'll see something (your brain sees this something)

Certain to tell you confusion has its cost (your broken heart)

Love isn't lying (no it isn't you feel real love and are capable of it again with someone else)

It's loose in a lady who lingers (that someone else is out there!)

Saying she is lost (wondering where you are)

And choking .... on hello ........

 

They are one person

They are two alone

They are three together

They are for each other

[Cyprian]

Of gentle true spirit (yours is true, hers is not)

Did he hear a good-bye? Or even hello? (She was stringing you like a yo-yo until No Contact)

 

I know HER...I know her better than she knows herself. Point being: she couldn't string a fly like a yo-yo...she is too sweet. She doesn't have alterior motives, she doesn't conive or plot, thats just the point. She let her emotions and desires take hold of her, and simply flew by the seat of her pants. I wish I could explain why she cheated on me and why she concealed it from me, and why she didn't dump me afterwards, or beforehand, but it is impossible unless you are either ME or HER to truly understand. We were one person. I am in real bad shape here. I am so alone. What the hell is going to happen?

 

I am sorry that I am fighting you cantexplain. I really appreciate your help and I bet you are getting quite annoyed with me. Sorry. I just literally will NEVER get over her...She needed to do this for herself, she hasn't done ANYTHING for herself before, NOT ONE THING. She just couldn't bear to tell me it was time.

 

All I want is someone to tell me that she will probably come back to me. She herself told me that she doesn't see how we won't be together. Some day after I go through the stages, I promise I will still want her back, and hopefully if she wants me, I can forgive her. Only then will I be truly happy. I will never find someone who was my match...she was the one.

 

I just want someone to say "Don't worry, she loves you, she is just finally getting her rocks off and she will soon get tired of it...if you still love her then, you two will be together..." Then all I need is to learn how to have fun while she has fun, while I wait for her.

[Cyprian]

Why can't I call her now? What is the worst that could happen? You all say that I shouldn't want to be with someone who could betray, lie, and conceal like this. thereforeeee the second reason for NC (maybe getting the ex to realize they DO want to be with you) is moot. For me, I KNOW I will not heal from this. I will be exactly like Secretdarkness was for 12 years. So thereforeeee the First reason for NC is moot as well.

 

You might say don't call her because then she would feel better about herself. SO WHAT! I want her to feel good. I don't want her to feel pain!

 

I need to speak with her.

[cantexplain]

Hey dude I am not annoyed at all and here I am saying things about your ex-girlfriend, the love of your life, which are fightin' words.

 

Here is a thread which may be useful for you to weigh the issues surrounding breaking No Contact.