Betrayed by my 7 year lover - Please Help!

[Cyprian]

My ex and I had been together for seven years. I still love her. We met in High School and after a while we fell in love.

 

To make a long story short: She studied abroad and met someone. She cheated on me with this guy for 6 months and didn't plan on telling me. When she got back she simply said that she needed some space and wanted some independence.

 

It was devestating to learn that my lover and best friend cheated on me and then concealed it from me. I still love her because I know who she is deep down inside, but she doesn't even want me back, at least not right now...I guess I am wondering if there is any chance. I am also wondering if she is going to be OK. It seems like she totally lost it - she is living a fantasy...The point is that I know who she is deep down inside, and she just lost her way. I picture her lost in a dark wood, and I want to try to help her out, whether or not she will love me again if and when she ever comes back to her senses.

[Locke2121]

"My ex and I had been together for seven years. I still love her. We met in High School and after a while we fell in love."

 

So your the only man she's been with her entire adult life?

[Cyprian]

Not anymore. She cheated on me. Anyway, we always discussed that as we grow older if we still are together we might want to explore our options and make a mature decision. But she didn't tell me she she thought it was time to do so. She didn't tell me anything except she loved me.

 

Joined today and this is your first post Locke?

[cantexplain]

"My ex and I had been together for seven years. I still love her. We met in High School and after a while we fell in love."

 

So your the only man she's been with her entire adult life?

 

sounds like probably until someday after the crying at the airport.

[pacopaco]

 

The point is that I know who she is deep down inside, and she just lost her way. I picture her lost in a dark wood, and I want to try to help her out, whether or not she will love me again if and when she ever comes back to her senses.

Hi. I was with a girl 7 years and she cheated on me too. what you posted above, I can so understand from you, but you'll probably find that she wasn't lost. I know it hurts to read, but it may be true. She wasn't lost, and she meant to do what she did.

[Cyprian]

Lost with respect to me and my love for her, ok you may be right. But i am talking about lost with respect to moving out of the country for someone she just met...

[cantexplain]

Great, well-written post. You seem very smart, too.

 

This sounds sooo much like my first love. You probably have a connection with one another that will never go away.

 

My point in this post is that she is a cheater and also omits truths. My concern is for you, not her.

 

It was devestating to learn that my lover and best friend cheated on me and then concealed it from me. I still love her because I know who she is deep down inside, but she doesn't even want me back, at least not right now...I guess I am wondering if there is any chance. I am also wondering if she is going to be OK. It seems like she totally lost it - she is living a fantasy...The point is that I know who she is deep down inside, and she just lost her way. I picture her lost in a dark wood, and I want to try to help her out, whether or not she will love me again if and when she ever comes back to her senses.

 

In my high school sweetheart case, however, after college and all she wanted to settle down and I just didn't feel ready - part of me wondered about other people, if I could do better or some stupid idiotic idea (she was great and we shared many of the same values we practically grew-up together). But we never cheated on eachother. And we were apart for many months. I remember the night we broke-up and I was so hurt that I was doing this to her, the love of my life!

 

Yours cheated on you, I'm sorry, and may do this again if you don't send her to the curb. She may learn from this but I would not bank on it if I were you.

 

I know you care for her but I say let's worry about you, not her.

 

She cheated on you . She betrayed you. She omits (note present tense) truth from you. She loves another guy and still hangs with you kissing and cuddling. Oh my - get out. Get out!! You are not the kind of person this is good for. Save yourself any more pain and cut it off and don't plan on contacting her until you realise you can't be in a devoted relationship with this type of person.

 

If you cut it off before she does (which my guess will eventually happen if for no other reason than the relationship is damaged) then it sure won't be as DOUBLY hurtful to be cheated on, dragged through this, and then dumped.

 

Yes, she screwed up your relationship. And she is changed. She is changed, ya hear? You can't change her by supporting her while she is behaving this way.

 

BE HAPPY (a silly thing to say right now I know) that you know these things about her and did not marry her, have kids, and find out about this and probably other things later.

 

Holding on to the idea that she is going to "change back" is less painful than accepting the loss - accepting that she is changed. But that is the reality I feel you should seriously consider.

 

She is living her life and abusing you at the same time. Parading other deep connections (emotional or physical) in front of you is something, though with some degree of honesty and openness, is really both infidelity and abuse in my book. I mean no harm but I want you to consider that you are the one living the fantasy.

 

I want the best for you and this is not the best for you.

[Cyprian]

Thanks cantexplain. I know you are probably right, but at this stage all I care about is holding her in my arms and making sure she doesn't hurt herself. I try to tell myself she has changed, she is a horrible person and not the same person I love...I keep trying to say this to myself but I still love her the same. Its almost like I don't forgive her for what she did, but I love her too much to care.

 

I have not contacted her, and do not plan on contacting her. The first few days I called and we both cried and I asked her, "What are you doing??" and she replied, "I don't know!".

 

Since I havent talked to her.

 

If you cut it off before she does (which my guess will eventually happen if for no other reason than the relationship is damaged) then it sure won't be as DOUBLY hurtful to be cheated on, dragged through this, and then dumped.

 

I basically cut it off when we spoke last. Either way she has plans on LEAVING the country to be with some guy.

[cantexplain]

I know how you feel. I have manytimes laboured for months over how I can change someone back to the way they were- or the way I thought they were.

 

Set her free!

 

Her dad knows this change is not what he wanted in his baby girl, either. He wants her to change back, too.

 

Neither of you can change her.

 

Let her go and don't take her back until she has "dried-out" from all this confusion over love or lust or whatever all this is for her.

 

Maybe she just wants you to put your foot down. So what would this mean at this stage? It means saying OH NO, this is not for me - get away from me now!!

 

You should do this with her, I say, so you can be stronger in your next relationship about commanding the respect you deserve.

 

For all we know, the last time she cried at the airport she did so because she knew deep down she was going to "experiment" on you. She knew it may be over. And she ended it, ya' hear? Now she is having her cake and eating others, too.

 

I can't wait for you to get mad.

 

Hey, dude, I can tell you got a lot of really good stuff going on. With some distance from this, some balancing, you will find a great woman just when that same great woman finds you. None of that is happening like that for you now. My guess is this is a blip you will become bigger and better and have a great life ahead. And please don't think that anything you did caused this. If your love life was lacking a spark then this is something that, if it happens to you again, you will recognize and then talk about. If it means anything to you the love life with my highschool sweetheart lost its spark when I started to think there may be someone out there better for me. And then I added that fact to my list of reasons that I was interested in other people. I believe that your love life lost its spark because her heart was drifting then. Was yours? I mean did you have thoughts of being with other people and not marrying her? I did not read that. So it is her, not you. Be glad for that, and that you know what you do about her.

 

Your next partner will be lucky for who you are - but also you now know now HORRIBLE this kind of stuff is.

 

So tell me - what does her mom have to say about this. Does her dad talk about that?

[Cyprian]

"If you truly love someone, set them free. If they come back to you, it was meant to be. Otherwise, you will find someone that will heal your heart from all the others that have torn it apart."

 

I repeat this when I really miss her. Sometimes it helps.

 

Usually when I wake up in the morning its the worst time. I wake up after having dreams where everything is perfect, we are together and nothing has changed...I don't understand how my brain can trick myself into believing that nothing happened but my dreams are really convincing. Then I wake up and realize it was just a dream. I realize what she has done and feel a horrible pain in my stomach.

 

I have only been in "no contact" for 2 days and I feel maybe that I should just realize what you are saying - that we cannot be a couple ever again, that I shouldnt want to be, and she will be gone from my life in a few months. Maybe I should just realize that I need to talk to her as a friend, and not a lover. I can't stand the idea of not seeing her again...maybe I should call her and tell her I forgive her and I will let her go, but I need to see her one last time.

 

Then again maybe she will come back to me...maybe after we both have experiences with other people, we will both realize that it was meant to be after all...maybe I will learn to forgive her and she will prove to me I can trust her again...

[Cyprian]

For all we know, the last time she cried at the airport she did so because she knew deep down she was going to "experiment" on you. She knew it may be over. And she ended it, ya' hear? Now she is having her cake and eating others, too.

 

I thought the same thing myself. Instantly I knew that was wrong, she was crying because she loves me and was going to miss me. She was crying for the same reasons I am crying now.

 

I know she is crying right now accross the country. Only problem is that I also know she is not crying over missing me, but crying over hurting me, hurting someone who she cares about deeply as a friend.

[cantexplain]

I thought the same thing myself. Instantly I knew that was wrong, she was crying because she loves me and was going to miss me. She was crying for the same reasons I am crying now.

 

I know she is crying right now accross the country. Only problem is that I also know she is not crying over missing me, but crying over hurting me, hurting someone who she cares about deeply as a friend.

 

Yes you are right, I believe. And I trust your judgement about the crying a the airport.

 

When I left my high school sweetheart and hadn't slept with anyone, even kissed or anything outside our relationship - I cried and made a horrible scene. And my crying wasn't only about her feelings. Deep down I knew I may be making a huge mistake. But the not knowing the other end of "what if there may be someone else out there" kept me walking right out her open door. I was not suitable for a committed relationship at the time. I am glad I ended it before something worse happened. This is the only reason I can look back and think it is okay to have ended that relationship. I saved her from even greater disappointment, perhaps. And it appears I need all the other lousy situations which followed to learn the things I have. She was "too good" for me. I needed to learn that through relationships with people more unskilled at having honest, giving, committed relationships..

 

I still worry that in her case she has been dishonest and has cheated on you. I think this is not something you should want to hold on to. She may love you so much she doesn't want you to hold on to it, either.

[Cyprian]

Thanks again for the response.

 

I think I need to know now if No Contact is appropriate for my situation. I know you think that I should let her go, that she lied to me and I deserve better. But the truth is that I would take her back still, maybe I am weak, but I really would forgive her if she came to me and said she wants me and only me forever.

 

Is this impossible though? I cannot live with knowing that there was never any chance for love again, and I not only lost her as a lover but I also lost my best friend. I need to talk to her, I love her and I want to see her and speak with her again, but I don't want to ruin my chances in the future with her by calling her and breaking no contact.

 

So - Should I continue No Contact? Or should I break no contact so I can tell her I can set her free, forgive her of her mistakes, and be the friend that she really wants. We would both be so happy if we could just talk again...but I love her enough to wait this out!

 

My mind is running in circles, I'm going to try to go to sleep.

 

Anyone who reads all this garbage:

 

Is No Contacts the best option for me? Or should I just forgive, forget, and take back my best friend into my life while sacrificing my lover?

[cantexplain]

Okay I am no expert in the No Contact thing. It is very hard, almost impossible for me. But I do believe it is wise.

 

Plus I and the rest of us here all just strangers on the Internet and no doubt capable of understanding new things and in different ways.

 

Your reasons for No Contact both seem reasonable to me.

 

My take tonight is let her call you once again. You don't call her. Tell her she'll always be important to you. Tell her to have a great life and to let you go - at least leave you alone while there are other guys. Tell her someday you may be able to hang-out or talk as friends, but you cannot do these things right now until you get some distance from this experience of loving someone who cheats on you and is dishonest with you. Don't get all mushy. She knows that part of you. Be strong and confident and sure of what you want out of life.

 

Someday you'll get over this. In time the good days will outnumber the bad. But there will alway be questions and memories and deep feelings of love. In time feelings of betrayal, mistrust, being disrespected will be added to your current feelings of love and forgiveness.

 

If by the grace of God that she has only this one affair (she doesn't repeat her cheating ways) and experiences the pain of losing and/or hurting you - she MUST KNOW NOW that you cannot accept, condone, or be a a part of something like this under any circumstances. You've been patient and understanding more than enough. Tell her this and tell her it is over - all over -everything until you can handle being just friends. Tell her you want to be her friend, that you love her, she has been a major and wonderful part of her life ... but she lied to you and cheated on you and you need a lot of space to get some distance from her treating you this way. You are going on with your life. You two have talked enough about all of this. Otherwise she'll take you (or someone else even) for granted again.

 

After you have decompress (you'll know this when you start thinking about the possibilities of other partners for you) then you should start to date. This will also help you to get over her. I would bet cold hard cash someone even better for you will come along and you two will fly off together.

 

Your 7 year partner here has been a bad friend by being dishonest. Through infidelity and dishonesty has shown you a great measure of disrespect as her committed lover.

 

Before I go I want to say yes it is necessary for you to forgive for your own sake. This should be easy - I mean you didn't do this, she did, right? Plus, you truly love her. She's your childhood friend and has made many contributions to your life. If you don't forgive your heart will be all murky with bitterness and resentment and you will carry a chip of resentment into other people's lives, including your own. It would be very difficult for me to trust this person. Trusting her again might be something you will have the opportunity to decide, someday. I would not want you to forget this experience. I want you to be smart and aware and perceptive of the ways you deserve to be treated.

 

Best to you - this is painful situation I know. Go ahead and feel it all, I say. But please move on. I mean someday (not now I know it is at best only an intellectual, rational thing) but really move on in your heart and develop friendships with respect for yourself and the other. One of these people you will look at say, hmmmm. And then toss in just a bit of passion for this new woman.

 

But you can't see yourself with any other person now. You are still attached to this person who has disrespected you by cheating and lying.

 

One more thing that may help. People tend to want the things they think they can't have. It is possible that a component of your current attachment has to do with your awareness she is flying off to see some other guy. You can't have her. When you turn the tables and say you can't even be active friends right now until you get some distance from her dishonesty and cheating, she will know she doesn't have you, anymore. But this won't work with words on the phone. It will only work due to your actions (or lack thereof in this case) and enough time for her to get it that you really mean it and can be perfectly fine without her.

 

Don't tell her about other dates or such. That's not her business now. And your other dates won't appreciate that such conversations are going on with your ex.

 

Take care. Be strong. Be kind to her and be firm.

[Cyprian]

So what happens if she never calls me, and I never see her again? She just flies off to Europe and never returns? Maybe some day in a year or a few years she calls me and maybe at that point I won't really care (that will never happen, by the way) but the point is that I CANNOT LIVE KNOWING THIS!

[Locke2121]

Yep, my first post was in your thread, it spoke to me. Let her go dude. As horrible and blunt as that is to say, just let her go. She has been with you for years. She is trying to find her way in a world where you she realizes you aren't the center of her life anymore. People do crazy and stupid things when this type of epiphany strikes. Please don't hold it against her. It could have very well been the other way around and you could be leaving.

 

I wouldn't contact her. Just let her go, and if its meant to be, she'll come back, just like you said in an earlier post. Also, ease off talking to her parents. In the end, they are nothing more than a convinent way of finding out what she is up to. Tell them you need some time to yourself, a couple of months should do it.

 

For now, get on with your life. Its not going to involve her, and thats dang hard to come to grips with! But you can do it. Go out with just the guys, get a drink if you want. Find a nice resturant and treat yourself. And for goodness sake, find a few female friends. Not to date, not right away, but just to have some female influence in your life.

 

With time, you may find that you have a deep-seated wish to explore a bit too. Maybe you'll find something missing in your life that you didn't even realize was gone.

 

Blessings dude, I hope you come through this ok.

[friscodj]

but once you get to know her like I did she opened up like a beautiful flower.

 

She sure sounds like a Venus Fly Trap to me...

 

The crux of this situation is that your emotions are clouding sensible thought. What would you say to a stranger who posted this?

 

Let me ask you this, you love her, right? Would you ever do this to someone you loved under any circumstance? I didn't think so...so why the double standard then? Because your emotions have overthrown your rational thought mechanism...a very normal outcome given a scenario like this...

 

You're worried about this other guy turning out to be scum but she herself has shown you that she is "scum" herself. Where exactly is the "mistake" here that she made? I see an ongoing trend of mistakes 10 miles long. Everytime she cheated on you with him, everytime she lied to you either through words and/or actions, told you everything was OK, the list goes on and on. Where do you draw the line between an "honest mistake" and an indication of a lack of character...a character that will not change and that is necessary to weather the storms inherent in a marriage?

 

Again, your emotions are overwhelming you right now. You don't care about anything else in the world as long as you can have her and what you had and your idea of her as a beautiful flower back. That is a very normal knee jerk reaction to this "sudden" (from your perspective) change. But this change is not sudden for her and every second of every day that she has been making this "change" has been another entry in the series of "mistakes" here...

 

So what exactly do you think will happen if you chase after her? Is she going to completely and suddenly change her mind and feelings, and then permanently change her character. Then you two will happily ever after? Yeah right...roll the credits buddy...

 

This situation is very hard, no doubt, and I am very sorry this happening to you. I urge you to listen to the rational part of your brain that has clear perspective on this. Then wish her the best because Karma is a...

 

Never speak to this woman again. She is simply no good no matter what her wrapping and superficial qualities suggest...

 

We'll be here for you my friend. Again, I am very sorry to hear of this situation.

[Cyprian]

an indication of a lack of character...a character that will not change and that is necessary to weather the storms inherent in a marriage?

 

Thanks frisco. Can people change though? Can character flaws be fixed? Everyone has some problems, no one is perfect. She was almost perfect in every respect except for being a bit shy, but after a year or so, her shyness disappeared...until the time when she needed to tell me that she wanted to take a break from our relationship. She was a coward and didn't tell me, and then persued her desires for another man, cheated on me, and concealed it from me.

 

I think after I get over missing her, loving her, and wanting to be with her, my reason might come back to me and I might realize that she wasn't worth my time. The problem is, I would rather meet with this woman in a few years after she matures, gains courage, and respect.

 

So No Contact forever is the plan? If she calls I shouldn't answer? She goes to Europe, I never see her again? This is too sad to be reality...

[friscodj]

Hey C-

 

Can people change? In my experience, small changes happen over a period of time, the length dependent on the depth and permanency of the change. These changes also do not happen on their own. I think some stimulus like trauma or a concerted effort at identification of an issue through therapy or self-introspection and dedicated conscious work to change is needed. I've seen this happen when people find religion, for example. The thing is, usually when this change is made, other changes also take place as well.

 

Do I personally think this woman will change her cowardly and cheating ways like this? I think it will take a lot of stimulus and a lot of time...

 

My friend, she did you wrong in a very big way. This is not your fault. If you were not meeting her perceived needs in the relationship, she had every opportunity to tell you such and end things before pursuing another relationship. What she did was not decent and there is simply no excuse for it.

 

You are correct sir, no one is perfect. I think the issue becomes finding a good fit between your respective imperfections. And perhaps what one perceives to be an imperfection another perceives to be a very attractive positive trait.

 

So can you live with this behavior? Is this behavior, is this imperfection OK? Is it OK for someone to treat you like this? Do you think she is truly sorry, feels the associated pain, and desires change? I sure don't see it...which makes this situation even more disturbing...

 

And I have to tell you I am not being as sympathetic as you would like in a situation like this. I really do feel for you and I am very sad to hear of this situation. I can't even imagine what you are feeling right now. But this disconnection is good because I have a completely outside perspective here, unbiased by your very normal feelings to hold on. I think in a tough crisis-type situation like this, you need to hear the truth, you need tough advice for a tough situation.

 

Her imperfection is not her shyness my friend. Do shy people do things like this? Was she shy every time she cheated on you? And as you said, she was not shy when she took the initiative to ask for a break in the relationship. So what is she then? "Selectively shy"? Come on...

 

She is not shy but she is another word that begins with an "S" and ends with a "T". You are far better off without her in your life my friend...

 

Forget her. She is no good. Will she ever change? And after this complete and permanent change, will she then develop a true and permanent love for you and desire to be with you no matter what...even distance and the temptations of another man? What about when you guys have children, a mortgage, car payments together? Why wouldn't this happen again? It happened once...

 

Her departure is a gift for you. I feel worse for her and for this new guy because they are sitting right in the cross-hairs of Karma...

[Cyprian]

I know you are probably right, but I love her just the same. I guess it is possible to love someone who does not have the capacity to love anyone except themself. I guess I have to learn to love her but not be with her.

 

I think some stimulus like trauma or a concerted effort at identification of an issue through therapy or self-introspection and dedicated conscious work to change is needed. I've seen this happen when people find religion, for example. The thing is, usually when this change is made, other changes also take place as well.

 

This is more applicable than you know. I think she had a stimulus that caused her to change from the woman I knew. Before she went to Europe she never drank alcohol. She dressed a certain way. She acted a certain way (part of her actions were being sincere, honest, respectful, not selfish, etc.)

 

She was put into an apartment with other girls. By the looks of the pictures I have seen, they influenced her GREATLY. Now she drinks, now she dresses like an S__T, now she is dishonest, disrespectful, and selfish. I am not taking the blame away from her - she volitionally did what she did, but I hope, sooner than later, she will be influenced in the opposite way. I guess all I have now is my hope, my love, and my knowledge that I have to let her go forever.

 

Thanks.

[friscodj]

Hey C-

 

Once again, let me say how sorry I am to hear you are in this situation. I know you are discovering new definitions of devastation on deep levels. I wish this wasn't happening...

 

But it is happening and you seem to be seeing some clarity here. I hope such clarity sticks around and helps you find a favorable path through the grief here.

 

My feeling is she probably lived a somewhat sheltered, privileged, maybe a favored life, one where she felt she had to act a certain way and uphold certain values, maybe in some senses forced to do so. It is normal and actually encouraged in my opinion for people to do some "exploring" during their developmental and formative years, adolescence, teens and early 20's in college for example. It's OK to make some mistakes during this period and they will happen...

 

The point here is this is not a mistake she made. This has been going on for a long time and I don't see signs of her remorse here. If she did, she would not feel right about what she is doing and not go through with it...but she is...

 

I feel her situation with her roommates and situation released some demons inside of her that were wanting to get out for sometime. Again, there is no excuse for doing this to someone. It is not your fault you never saw this side of her or never predicted such actions...

 

I suggest you forgive her in your heart and keep your memories and love for her there as well, to yourself...because she does not deserve someone like you and the level and depth of love you provided to her. Quite simply, she is not for you...

 

I also suggest you start a journal in the "Journal" section of this site. Chronicle the journey through grief here. I think that will help you tremendously.

 

And lastly, I firmly believe Karma will do its thing here for all parties involved. It absolutely amazes me how true this has been in my experiences from both sides...

[friscodj]

Hey C-

 

Something else just came to mind, a different perspective perhaps.

 

This situation is exactly like dealing with a death, two deaths actually: the death of the image and idea of the person you knew and with whom you shared love and the death of your plans and ideas for such plans for the future with her.

 

There's going to be associated grief to deal with here. That is not only OK and normal but it is necessary. Your body needs to cleanse itself of this situation, much like being sick. You need to lay in an emotional bed shivering with a fever and feeling like death. You need to go through this and don't confuse this process with the perception that you belong with this woman, that she is right for you or change will take place and she will completely change and return to love you healthily forever.

 

Also, situations like this can really mess you up on deep levels, deeper than those ENA can help you with. If you have access to speak to a therapist and feel the urge to do so, do it...

[Cyprian]

This situation is exactly like dealing with a death, two deaths actually: the death of the image and idea of the person you knew and with whom you shared love and the death of your plans and ideas for such plans for the future with her.

 

Yeah I think you are right. In fact, the last and final time I spoke with her, I told her "You are dead to me." I didn't really mean it, I thought I would really just call her back in 10 minutes. At that point I was more clouded than I am now - and I am still pretty clouded.

 

This brings me to another question: I said a whole lot of things to her just after I found out about this. I begged, cried, analyzed, reasoned, etc. I said so many things, even things like "I forgive you no matter what I say in the future you know I love you and I forgive you even if I take it back." etc. I guess since I am going to try to never speak with her again, it doesn't really matter.

 

By the way, what do I do if she calls? Should I just not answer? This would be really hard for me...she's leaving the country and I will possibly never see her again...

[Cyprian]

I can't take this. I have so many problems in my life now, and this problem just put me over the edge. The messed up thing is that I need to speak with HER about my problems. She knows me more than anyone else. She understands me, and I only want to hear what SHE has to say about it.

 

She is doing EXACTLY what I want to do! She is moving to Europe, going to get a job, and lead the life that she wants to lead! I can't believe she left me here all alone! I wish so much that she and I went to Europe together, worked together, lived together, MY GOD I HATE MY LIFE!

[TrynToGetBy]

I can't take this. I have so many problems in my life now, and this problem just put me over the edge. The messed up thing is that I need to speak with HER about my problems. She knows me more than anyone else. She understands me, and I only want to hear what SHE has to say about it.

 

Hey Cyp -

 

I read your post and wanted to reply because 3 months ago I was feeling exactly how you're feeling now. You replied to my post so I assume you know my situation. People would tell me, "you won't feel like this forever" or "things will get better" but I didn't believe them. I thought how could things get better, I just lost the love of my life the woman I was going to marry, but I was wrong. The truth is everyday you do feel a little better. I want to tell you something else... you don't need her. Let me say that again because it's so true YOU DON'T NEED HER. You have everything you need to deal with this situation and grad school inside of you. It might be a long road but you need to start down it, and when you come out the other end you'll be a stronger person than you ever thought possible. It won't always be easy, you'll have good days and bad, but the farther away from this you get the more good days you'll have. My advice on what you should do now is have a very honest conversation with her where you tell her everything you need to say tell her how you feel and what you want. If she can't give you what you want you need to remove yourself from the situation. I'd suggest at least a month of NC to let you both heal. After that I still wouldn't contact her, but if she contacts you and you feel strong enough and rational enought to deal with it you can respond, but for now tell her how you feel and walk away.

 

She is doing EXACTLY what I want to do! She is moving to Europe, going to get a job, and lead the life that she wants to lead! I can't believe she left me here all alone! I wish so much that she and I went to Europe together, worked together, lived together, MY GOD I HATE MY LIFE!

 

Cyp - This is going to be hard to hear, but you need to stop feeling sorry for yourself. It's not going to get you anywhere and I'm sure this isn't the man you want to be. You, and you alone are in controll of your life. You need to follow your bliss. If grad school isn't for you, then maybe you should reconsider that decision, or maybe you just feel that way because you're so down on yourself at the moment. Don't make any rash decisions right now. Try to do things that make you happy. Focus on you! Right now all you should be worried about is yourself. I'm going to leave to with a quote by Viktor Frankl a holocaust survivor who wrote an incredibly inspirational book called MAN'S SEARCH FOR MEANING.

 

"... Everything can be taken from a man but one thing; the last of the human freedoms - to choose one's attitude in any given set of circumstances, to choose one's own way."