Parents...

[thesoundbully39]

So, I'm a college student and my parents came to visit me this weekend and everything was great. They went home Sunday afternoon after we ate lunch. Later Sunday evening, my dad called me and told me that he had just walked in on my mom having an affair. It shocked me, I'm 18 years old and would have never suspected it.

 

I'm angry... I haven't talked to my mom yet. They're both a state away from me. I left a horrible message on the guy's cell phone, hung up, then just cried. At the same time as telling me about the affair, my dad also noted that my mom had been married to her high-school boyfriend before him. This was news to me.

 

I feel like I can't trust her... I don't know how long it's been going on.. I don't know if or when I will be able to talk to her. And, it hurts that she hasn't made any attempt to talk to me. She has always been a completely loving mom.

 

I love my dad to death, and I feel bad for him. My sister lives on the other side of the country and is really depressed. I talked to her just a little bit ago and my dad has packed his stuff and is moving down to live by her.

 

I feel soo alone. I don't know what to do, who to talk to, I've talked to my friends but it doesn't really help that much. I don't have a girlfriend so I can't talk go that direction.

 

I feel numb now... my eyes water up constantly and I can't stop thinking about my mom and how mad I am... but yet how much I need her... and how up this whole situation is.

 

My sister finally stopped crying... I haven't talked to my dad yet today. My sister said they are planning a divorce. I'm completely behind my dad, he doesn't deserve this. But yet, I have always defended my mom.

 

I feel so bad for him because he was making such an effort to be a good husband. When they were visiting me, he tried to hold her hand... and hug her. And she had to do this, and has been for awhile. They even just bought eachother new wedding rings.

 

I need some advice... please help me

 

I feel so alone

[chai714]

What a tough situation to be in.

 

First thing is realize that none of this is because anything you ever did. Don't ever think for a split second that you're in any way responsible for this.

 

Your mother is a grown adult, who made a poor choice. She still loves you but she acted in a selfish way and exercised poor judgement. Your mother is a human being like any other person who has cheated but it hurts more because of the emotional connection you have with her. I can understand how you can feel isolated, alone, and powerless. On top of this, you're probably angry with your mother since you feel she's responsible for splitting up your family.

 

If I were you, the first thing I would do is keep a journal of everything you feel. Keep in touch with your sister and father so that you can support each other. This isn't easy for them either. As for your mother, you could write her a letter expressing how you feel.

 

Unfortunately, your situation is a common one - especially the divorce part. Hang in there.

[Scout]

Hi, soundbully...what a terrible and sad situation for your family, for all of you. I know that right now you're in shock, you're angry, and you're scared of what's going to happen.

 

I wish I could tell you it's "ok" to take a side, but I can't quite go that far. It's definitely ok for you to be angry with your mom, and it's sad that she has made some choices that led to this, but there are things about your parents' marriage that you will never know. What I am saying here is that if you permanently cut off one or the other parent, you will be doing yourself and your family a disservice.

 

However, it's ok for you to need time to yourself to absorb this. At some point, your mother may be willing to answer some of your questions. For now, everything is happening at once, and no one can take any decisive actions or make any decisions.

 

Let yourself process these feelings, and just know that you have support here during this difficult time.

[Scout]

It might also help you to read some of the threads on eNotalone that deal with infidelity and marriage. If for no other reason but to see if you can pick up some recurring themes in these threads that might give you a little insight into how this could happen to your parents. Of course, everyone's situation is different, but there are definitely some common patterns that can lead to an affair.

[friscodj]

Welcome to ENA thesoundbully39, great to have you here.

 

I too am very sorry to hear of this. I echo word-for-word what chai and Scout have said.

 

I also want to add a perspective here. Your family was dealt this hand and there's nothing you can do to change it. There will be repercussions here and damage will be done but what you've got to do now is be strong. Not only does your family need some strength and stability, but you yourself do as well.

 

Stay focused on your classes man, stay focused on the basics, eating, sleeping, etc. Don't let this do more damage than it already has by hurting your education and/or career. Stay as focused and as sharp as you can on your classes and on your life. Certainly deal with this situation and be there for your family but take care of business as well. You may find comfort in having this as an escape from this situation, where you can bury yourself in your books.

 

Easier said than done I know. We'll be here for you my friend. You are not alone.

[arwen]

Hey soundbully,

 

I am so sorry for this difficult situation. To face one of your parents betrayal must be a slap in the face. One of my best friends went through this (her father had an affair of 10 years and only then it came out... )

 

I almost feel like crying when I read your message, you must hurt so badly having just witnessed your father doing his best to be a loving husband and then this... I am so sorry. No one deserves to be betrayed when they are in a marriage. And no child deserves to see that happen between his/her parents

 

Stay in touch with your sister and comfort her. Focus on your life and goals, and support your parents if they ask you for it and if you can give that support.

 

Arwen

[Relationship Coach]

SB,

I cannot imagine the pain in which you are feeling. I can only tell you how my children felt when my first wife did the same as your mother. The anger, hurt and disappointment were present for many months. She even tried to justify her actions to the kids but that just made it worse. Blaming me only made it worse for her. The most important thing right now is for you to focus on your schooling as hard as that may sound. You're father has to deal with this in his own way and knowing he has your support will help him.

 

As for your mother, I'm sure she is quite embarrassed over her actions and can't bare to imagine the pain in which she has inflicted on the entire family. When she is ready, she will come to you. We as humans and parents are not without fault but when someone's actions reflect something we could never imagine possible, we start to question everything. I have learned one thing as I have traveled down life's bumpy road, one person does not make the family. You, your father and your sister will grow even closer because of this.

 

RC

[thesoundbully39]

Thanks for the replies guys. I'm doing a lot better now. My parents tried to stick together and make it work.. but yesterday (about 3 weeks? later) she did it again. My dad is leaving her and they are working out a divorce..

 

It doesn't seem to bother me as much anymore, and I haven't talked to my mom yet since we found out that she didn't put a stop to it. My dad is moving to be with my sister and I guess I'll just make my way here on my own. It's going to be weird having my family in 3 separate states. If I go back to my hometown I know I will have to stay with friends, cause there's no way in hell I'm going to stay with my mom if she's with this other guy. I'd probably end up in jail.

 

But anyways... thanks

[thesoundbully39]

and to add to growing list of issues.. we found out she's bulimic... i think she needs to get some serious psychological help. RC, sounds like you had quite a similar situation and all is true about what you said.