Parsley Posted January 23, 2007 Share Posted January 23, 2007 All I can think about is whether or not I should wish my ex a Happy Birthday. It's today. We've been apart a little under a month, and haven't spoken in just over 3 weeks. Part of me thinks I should...I had a big thing about birthdays when we were together so I don't want to just disregard everything I said to him, and I guess if we're going to make a go of being friends I should extend a hand at some point, right? I really don't want him to think I'm trying to win him back or anything because I don't. I know that it is better this way, but that doesn't mean I can;t be friendly to him. Yet anything I could say to him would probably have a reminder of 'better times' and I know if it was the other way round I would probably read into something like that and panic. Agh. What do I do?! If I did send him something, it would probably be along the lines of "Hey, just wanted to say Happy Birthday, now you're quarter of a century old you definitely need some werther's originals and a flat cap. Hope it's not as bad as you make them out to be. Have a good day!" What do you think? Please help - this isn't one of those situations where I know what I want to do and I won't actually take the advice, I honestly do not have a clue what I should do. Link to comment
HB2 Posted January 23, 2007 Share Posted January 23, 2007 I wouldn't send anything, but if you feel you must just say "happy birthday" Link to comment
Mythical_Suicide Posted January 23, 2007 Share Posted January 23, 2007 I wouldnt send anything after all it could open up a few sores doing so and not end the way you want it to. As far as wanting to be friends I think you should really give it more than a month to start that process. Link to comment
BellaDonna Posted January 23, 2007 Share Posted January 23, 2007 I don't think you should send anything. If you are posting about it, it means that you fear opening a can of worms. So if that is the case, taking no action is probably best. BellaDonna Link to comment
Orlander Posted January 23, 2007 Share Posted January 23, 2007 another vote here for not sending anything. Orlander Link to comment
fadedocean Posted January 23, 2007 Share Posted January 23, 2007 hey there, me and my ex have been broke up about as long as you and yours, it was my birthday last week, and i didnt get a txt from her at all, it really annoyed me and kind of ruined my day. i dont really know, maybe keeping it shorter would be better, something like "happy birthday, hope you have a good day" can i ask, who was it that ended the relationship and how was it taken? have you been NC? Link to comment
Parsley Posted January 23, 2007 Author Share Posted January 23, 2007 He ended the relationship, though if he hadn't I would have soon enough. That doesn't mean I wasn't completely devastated. He ended it because he didn't love me anymore - I would have ended it because I couldn't take him hurting me anymore. As far as how it was taken...I guess from what little contact we had I took it fairly well...as in..the reaction he saw from me would suggest I took it well. I didn't ask for another chance or see if there was anything we could do. I just said...ok. Two days after he ended it (by email) I sent him an email asking for a few answers - he answered 1 question, ignored the others completely, yet said he'd answer anything I asked him. I pointed out that he hadn't even answered the things I'd already asked, and he never replied. Since then complete NC. No emails, texts, phone calls. Nada. Link to comment
majord23 Posted January 23, 2007 Share Posted January 23, 2007 I've posted this story a few times, and will do so again: Short version: A friend of mine had her heart shattered by a guy who entered an arranged marriage within weeks of the relationship ending - she was aware that this was going to happen all along. Fast forward to about 6 months ago - he got in touch with her. He was still married but wanted to commence an affair with my friend. Against my advice, she did. But fortunately she 'saw the light' and dumped him a few months later. Anyway, the married ex chased and chased to the point where my friend was getting really angry at him for not respecting her wishes etc etc. Eventually he stopped calling and texting. Another couple of months go by and it's her birthday - at the end of the night at her party, she says to me with a sad look on her face: "I can't believe he didn't contact me for my birthday". Yep - the guy that shattered her heart but then becamse a right royal pain in the ....she actually missed him *because* he didn't text. The irony is that I can almost guarantee that if he *had* contacted her she would have been angry at him for not letting her go. I also have little doubt that if he wasn't married and was still 'available' that she would have contacted him a few days later. Sometimes silence sends a more powerful message than any words ever could. Link to comment
Mythical_Suicide Posted January 23, 2007 Share Posted January 23, 2007 Yeah after that I definitely would say NO contact whatsoever not even wishing him a happy birthday. Link to comment
BellaDonna Posted January 23, 2007 Share Posted January 23, 2007 If he didn't go out of his way to answer your questions, then I don't think you should go out of your way to wish him a happy birthday. I think it will be easier for you if you maintain No Contact. BellaDonna Link to comment
HB2 Posted January 23, 2007 Share Posted January 23, 2007 what would YOU gain by texting him anything? Link to comment
lonely_me Posted January 23, 2007 Share Posted January 23, 2007 I would go with not wishing him a happy birthday yet. One month is not very long and at all and it could just make it more painful for you both. Link to comment
Parsley Posted January 23, 2007 Author Share Posted January 23, 2007 That's what I keep asking myself! I guess I'm just scared of losing his friendship. Even though the last month or so of the relationship he was a right...*ahem* before we got together we got on SO well and I just miss our conversations about dancing in a fishbowl and ninjas and nuns. It makes it difficult to accept that we may not be able to be friends because I'm very good friends with another ex, one I was with for 2 and a half years, 6 times as long as this guy. Link to comment
chocolady Posted January 23, 2007 Share Posted January 23, 2007 ? I really don't want him to think I'm trying to win him back or anything because I don't. Then don't send it. Link to comment
Juliana Posted January 23, 2007 Share Posted January 23, 2007 He fell out of love with you; you know you would have broken up with him, but he doesn't know that. You were the last person to initiate contact; he hasn't responded. Actions speak louder than words; they shout. You know your intentions are good, but before you can do anything with your good intentions, you are going to have to demonstrate that he's "safe." You're not going to chase him, or stalk him, or demand to talk to him. He doesn't know that yet, and might be afraid of it. There's no predicting what someone may be thinking if they have chosen not to speak to you. And personally, of all the reasons to contact someone, birthdays and holidays always struck me as the lamest. If you were still friends, it would be natural to call him up and say Happy Birthday -- but you're not. So he will interpret this, possibly, as you using his birthday as an excuse to get in touch again. I can hear the phone slamming down now. So...my vote is also no...let some time go by. Let him realize that you're moving on. Better complete silence, than him imagining that you are stalking him. Link to comment
HB2 Posted January 23, 2007 Share Posted January 23, 2007 nobody says you can't be friends with him ever, just not right now. last year I dated a girl for about 3 months. I liked her quite a bit and when it ended I kept saying I didn't want to loose her as a friend. She wasn't having it though. About 2 weeks ago I ran into her in the city. We chatted for a few minutes, she said we should go out sometime and gave me a hug. I realized that at that point I could have tried to be friends with her as she appeared open to it, but I also realized that I don't want to be friends with her. Often times we tell ourselves we want to be friends, just to keep the person close to try to win them over in time. Most of the time, that is a bad idea. 1 Link to comment
Mythical_Suicide Posted January 23, 2007 Share Posted January 23, 2007 If you want a friendship with this guy in the future you need to avoid all kind of contact right now, its still been a very short period of time that yall have been broken up so give it time. MY ex and I dated for a year, broke up and we didnt speak or anything for almost a year after that but now we're best of friends again and its back to the way it was before we started dating without all the pain of wanting to be back with him sicne we've both have moved on and are in relationships. As they say, Time heals everything. Dont rush it 1 Link to comment
i2oadi2unnei2 Posted January 23, 2007 Share Posted January 23, 2007 Another vote for NO, don't send anything, that includes texts, snail mails and presents. Your feelings are still too raw. You still need time to heal. It's great you still want to be friends, want to stay in touch, keep communicatiing, but it will hinder your healing process. Give yourself more time to heal, then when you have no desire other than a simple friendship, then by all means, start your friendship... Link to comment
itsallgrand Posted January 23, 2007 Share Posted January 23, 2007 If you were to send it, all he would 'hear' is something like this: "Ah, so even when I dump her she still is going to be here for me, remember my birthday and do girlfriend things." then he may make a judgement based upon what type of person he is, but most likely the judgement will not be good. He might conclude you are 'stalkerish' and don't get it. He might think you are a sadsack. He might conclude you are desperate to be around him because he is such a 'one in a million guy' He might conclude he can take the uphand and treat you like a doormat. Don't rationalize! Sending that note would be for yourself, not him, and it will not do you any good. Let him see what a birthday without you - his choice - is like. It's your only chance at every having a respecting friendship with him in the future. Link to comment
cantexplain Posted January 23, 2007 Share Posted January 23, 2007 Let me see what ya'll think of these thoughts: I am not clear here who broke up with whom and if you want to get back together. I see that you don't want him to think you want to get back together. If he broke up with you and you do want to get back together, then wishing him a happy birthday this soon after a break-up might push him away further. Its very understandable that your heart feels the need to wish him well - but don't do it, I'd say. At the very least you may be setting yourself up for more rejection along the same near term as your recent break-up. If he broke up with you, it was mutual, or you broke it off with him - and you don't want to get back together romantically - but really need him to be an ongoing friend, I wouldn't wish him a happy birthday this soon because if he is your friend he will understand how you may be feeling this soon after a break-up. A birthday wish right now could be confusing to him. Save this for next year's birthday. It is too soon. If the break-up was mutual or it was you who orchestrated the break-up and you do want to get back together, I'd go ahead and start evaluating the risk in this, begin to work to reverse your relational impasse, perhaps through this birthday wish. But it will take more than this birthday wish to get him back, probably. The wish is a start. Link to comment
Parsley Posted January 23, 2007 Author Share Posted January 23, 2007 He broke up with me. I don't want to get back together with him. I do want to be friends...eventually. I'm pretty sure I'm not going to send him anything...I only have to hold out for another half hour before there's no point. Link to comment
Wandering_Sword Posted January 24, 2007 Share Posted January 24, 2007 I concur, don't send anything. Link to comment
Recommended Posts
Create an account or sign in to comment
You need to be a member in order to leave a comment
Create an account
Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!
Register a new accountSign in
Already have an account? Sign in here.
Sign In Now