Want my own place again...

[scarew]

I don't want to break up. Obviously there are alot of ties keeping me to my partner (5 months pregnant, plus I kinda love the guy). I think alot of our problems would be solved if I would just move out and get my own place for a while.

 

All he does when I'm at home is * * * * * about stupid little things (like the typical "woman" nagging), when I give him so much. The guy is being a total deadbeat right now, he hasn't worked in over a month. I'm standing by him and getting us by on my measly income. Racking up my credit cards even more for him. Everyone in his life is giving him a hard time about it (I wonder why?) so I am trying to be patient here. But when I give him everything I have, body, mind, and soul, and he just poo's all over it, what options am I left with?

 

What do you guys think about me getting my own place? I could get by minimally, but I would have to work as soon as the baby is born, which is something I was not planning on doing.

[rocio]

I think you need to do what's best for you. You've been having a tough pregnancy so far. You deserve to be happier. If you will be happier living on your own, then you need to do that. If it's only going to create more stress (financial stress can really wear a person down, as I'm sure you know), then find other ways of dealing with the relationship problems. I really, really want you to be happy.

[JimmerJammer]

Well I can see in this situation that not much is helping this guy. I mean what can you do when the person refuses to change their situation? If someone believes they're ugly, how much good does saying "no no no you're not you're not. Don't say that." going to do? Because saying it alone isn't enough because of it was they probably wouldn't THINK that. Its his THINKING that is the problem not the fact you do too much and he doesn't notice it.

 

You sound like a very supportive gf and to be pregnant and want to be on your own shows a LOT of strength. You love this man(as you said) and this MUST be hurting you to see him like this and to seemingly reject you in this manner. His problem seems to be what many other men go through and that is typically a lost sense of identity.

 

This sort of problem is more difficult to fix than a simple "GET YOUR ACT TOGETHER!" can do. He needs to discover things himself and although he gets angry and upset, it more likely stems from frustration than from anything you're doing or not doing.

 

I'd consider your situation carefully as you do not want to put an unborn child into a situation of neglect no matter how much you want things to be good for this child, sometimes life doesn't leave room for it. If you feel this can be done I would consider it and would address this with your boyfriend. Sometimes all we can do is hope they come to the realization on their own and unfortunately if it is about him feeling a lost sense of identity, its a shame there's not more male influences able to help him out of it (ever notice how guys who have this problem usually have friends who have this problem? Who can he go to at this point. Get the idea now???).

 

So with this awareness I'm not sure what you feel you can do to help as well that it may be off base. I feel that I was a similar way in the past and I ended up hurting my ex (not physically but more like it made her feel helpless/useless).

 

Hope this helps. Let me know.

[scarew]

Thanks guys,

 

I know what will happen when I bring it up (he is coming home soon to talk). He won't consider me strong and doing what is best for our child. He considers it weak. Like I'm giving up easily and just walking away from the problem. Rather than what, exerting every last ounce of energy I have into making sure I dont leave the milk out??????? When I am obviously already exhausted from going to school full time and working during this pregnancy that is rendering me extremely ill?

 

We have come to this point in our relationship before. At the time I didn't think we could fix it. We have come a long way, but there are still lingering feelings or bitterness. He doesn't respect me at all. Not only not treating me respectfully (well not all the time) but he actually thinks of me as a person and doesnt respect my priorities and values. No one will ever be good enough for this man.

 

I really think that its all I can do. I hate moving, and I know I will be completely alone. I hate putting our relationship in jepordy because of the bitterness that he will have from me moving out, but I dont know what else to do.

 

I won't be completely alone. My family will be there for me to help with the baby while I work this summer. I can't really work until then though, no one will higher someone this pregnant, I will only have a couple more months where I can actually work. It will be rough, but I know I will have enough to get by.

 

It would really help if I wasn't already in debt from supporting him for so long. Man there are so many things going on here that are text book WRONG but for some reason we always think, "No he's different, its not as bad as it sounds."

[fnlyfrei]

I say, do it. Get your own place. I lived with someone for 10 months...and was being completely used the entire time. I wanted to get my own place but for some silly reason I ignored my gut feeling...probably to spare his feelings....and ended up completely miserable. Your baby deserves a happy mommy...not to live in a home where there is a bunch of stress and arguments. And do not let ANYONE in that happy bubble once you do get your own space unless they have earned that right. Now that I am on my own...that is what I am doing. Life is too short to waste being unhappy when you have some amount of control in the situation. You sound like you have your head on straight. Good luck to you and your child. : )

[rocio]

If you move out, how might this affect:

 

1) his ability to sue for custody, and

2) his legal responsibilities to pay child support?

 

Once the baby comes he will have to get a job to pay child support. But if you're living with him, the courts won't interfere. (In other words, he can sit on the couch all day while you go out and pay the bills.) On the other hand, if you haven't had a common-law relationship, at least according to Canadian laws, then he has no legal responsibility to ever pay child support. Might be a good idea to talk to a lawyer about this stuff before you make your decision.

[HealingHandsWarmHeart]

I dont think that anyone should stay in an unhappy situation because of finacial reasons... there is always a way ... and you seem to have the will.

 

what i dont understand is if you are already supporting the both you ...without his help financially ..then how much harder will it be when you get your own place?

 

On the flip side..he's only been out of work a month.... is he able to collect unemployment? is he actively seeking employment? how was he before he lost his job? He could be feeling moody because he is not working..which is why he's being a bit of a complainer.

 

Relationships aren't easy ...and people seem to want to bail at the first sign of problems... this may just be a bump in the road..this may be a sign of things to come in the future.. you never know.

 

Try sitting down and talking to him about the relationship, how is he feeling about being out of work, how he feels about you supporting him, how he feels about the baby ..etc...

 

Communicate with him....if he seems that he isnt responsive..then maybe consider getting your own place.

 

good luck to you!! =)

[RayKay]

If you are having to extend credit cards to "get by" because he is not helping out; that is not only putting you at severe risk financially, it is not really "getting by" as that will catch up with you later, most definitely.

 

I am not sure what to tell you, as certainly it not as easy as up and leaving when you have a baby on the way; I am assuming this was not exactly planned since you "kinda love him", and so you do have a tougher situation. It also all depends on his reasons for not working right now (is he looking for something?); sometimes people lse work and it takes a bit to get back out there and find something.....you have to determine when they are taking advantage of you versus trying hard to find something.

 

I can't tell you what to do, other than don't put yourself in a bad financial situation and at risk if he is not willing to start helping out.

[scarew]

He isn't really looking for a job. This afternoon one kind of fell into place for him, but he has been passively looking for one. Not really following up on anything even though EVERYWHERE is hiring right now. He has to call this place back and he should be working next week.

 

I think I am going to wait until our counselling appointment to bring it up again. We talked about it and he seems to think I am blowing everything out of porportion because I dont treat him perfectly either. He's right, but it doesnt help us in this financial stuff right now.

 

Amber, I am aware of the legal implications. We are common law, but if he started getting technical I would just take half of his house. Like I said, I am not really considering breaking up with him, but just getting some space for a while. Maybe I can get some good rates on some off season hotels?

 

Thanks guys