I feel as if he has said me or the dogs

[mlchildr]

My boyfriend and i have been together for 6 years almost 7. He always had dogs growing up that were treated as part of the family. I also had dogs growing up that were treated the same way but they were small dogs. He has two huge boxers. He got one about 4 years ago who totally rules the house, sleeps in the bed . We had issues then b/c it is like another person in the bed. It seems like 3 people in a queen size bed. I could never sleep b/c there was no room and the dog would get up during the night and wake everyone up jumping up and down. It got to the point where i would just sleep in the guest bedroom. I wanted a small dog so I had decided to get a jack russell terrier. Before I know it my boyfriend comes home with another boxer...full grown male who is so hyper. So now add him to the bed and there is definetly no room for me. Also the dogs have torn the house up. The carpets are muddy and filthy from where they run inside and outside. They chew everything up including the kitchen floor. They run into the walls causing hole and scrathes. This house is only two years old and complety torn up now b/c of these dogs and he sees nothing wrong with it. I don't even stay there anymore. I had to dog sit this week and his house is even in worse shape. I said something to him and he told me to pack my {Mod Edit} and leave..he's coming home tonight. I don't know what to do. I can't live like that. I can't even sleep in the bed with him...so i stay at my place all the time. I asked him so when we decided to buy a house together will you let the dogs tear it up. He told me that i will never come before his dogs so i see where i stand. Any advice.

[lunatic]

Looks like you are in a bind. I would say that it is time you sold the house(if you both bought it) and move on. Personally, he has left you no choice as he told you to pack your crap and leave. That to me is your answer hun.

 

You deserve better and I am sure you will find a real man in the future. Leave this little boy alone and move on with your life.

[BellaDonna]

His behavior toward you is very rude.

 

He told me that i will never come before his dogs so i see where i stand

 

If someone said that to be I would be gone. Does he have a history of saying insensitive things over your 6 year relationship?

 

Honestly, I would never get rid of a pet upon the request of a guy- I too love my pets- however he should at least try to make a compromise. The way you describe the dogs' behavior, it sounds like they have a lot of pent up energy. Boxers require a lot of activity. Is he taking good care of them? Is he making sure that they get enough exercise and mental stimulation, or are they just possessions of his that he likes to have for status? Running around outside in the same yard is not enough- they need a change of scenery and to be walked.

 

I notice a lot of people like to own big dogs to be "tough", but they rarely care for them right. I feel bad for the dogs in the situation. I can assure you his dogs are not happy otherwise they would not be tearing the house apart like they are. It's a sign of stress. They need exercise and structure- potentially obedience school.

 

He should have not gotten that other dog without discussing it with you first since you own the house together. It sounded like he could barely care for the first one he had.

 

He needs to be given an ultimatum.

 

BellaDonna

[lunatic]

He needs to be given an ultimatum.

 

BellaDonna

 

Bella again I have to disagree with you. He already gave her his intentions when he told her she would never come between him and his dogs. To me I would have been packed up and outta there right then and there!

 

I believe he has given her the ultimatum already when he told her to pack her stuff and leave.

 

To me he is done with her already when she stopped sleeping in the bed with him.

[SkylinesTurnstiles]

He is rude and doesnt deseve you.

 

Sometimes you just cant tell someone to choose but yeah but anyway leave him!!!!

[Momene]

Good thing my wife, daughter and I are ALL dog-mad. If we catch our dog being destructive, we punish him, pure and simple. People with lots of dogs often have messy houses. Ours isn't perfect but it's not too bad.

 

I would suggest keeping a part of the house, such as bedrooms that are a dog-free zone.

[SkylinesTurnstiles]

Hey just wundering say if you two were kinda 'in the right moment' would the dogs be there or would they be kept out of the room

[BellaDonna]

To me I would have been packed up and outta there right then and there!

 

 

Me too.

 

However seeing that this relationship is 6 years, the original poster may not leave so fast. That's why I wanted to offer another perspective. I see every situation as having 2 solutions:

 

1.) Leave immediately

 

2.)Insist on some serious changes, and if they don't happen, leave

 

I myself would choose #1 because I have little patience and a very low tolerance for disrespect. (The Italian in me) -Being told a dog is more important than you is a pretty serious offense in my book.

 

However #1 is not always the option that the original poster is open to, and sometimes it's not realistic.

 

mlchildr, I'd be interested in hearing if he has a history of making horrible comments like that to you, and also what you think you are going to do in the situation. Are there any other conflicts in the relationship? My hunch is that he must say rude things often if he has said something that rude to you about the dogs.

 

BellaDonna

[mlchildr]

Just some replys to the post...thanks for the advice. The dogs are kept in cages all the time...That is the problem. Since I don't stay there anymore they are in a cage from about 5 in the morning to atleast 6 or 7 at night. Then just let outside when he gets home and back in. Since i have been dog sitting this week they have actually gotten walked and played with. I agree their should be a dog free zone especially the bedroom. That would be a life saver but I don't think that will happen.

[lunatic]

However seeing that this relationship is 6 years, the original poster may not leave so fast.

 

Very true Bella. I agree there might be some hesitation on her part because of the time together. Although I would be furious if I was told the dogs were more important than me (the Italian in me too) as I would have left then and there. I don't care how long I have been with that person either. To me that was the ultimate disrespect stating the animals were more important.

 

Bella asked some good questions here and I too am curious about the answers.

[SkylinesTurnstiles]

The dogs are kept in cages all the time...That is the problem. Since I don't stay there anymore they are in a cage from about 5 in the morning to atleast 6 or 7 at night.

 

No.That is so wrong!They should be kept outside in a big space no confined in a tiny space.

If your going to cage them then dont even have them at your house, give them away to where they can be free

[mlchildr]

He has said some rude things in the past. Lately all we do is argue. A lot of the arguing is about the dogs and the condition of the house. I feel disrespected that he would choose dogs to sleep in the bed with him rather than me..just doesn't make me feel to wanted. I felt disrespected when he bought home another boxer when we had agreed that i was going to get a small dog. I ended up not getting a dog b/c it would just be too much. Growing up he always had dogs.....his parents have 4 big dogs now and their house is the same way. I alwyas had small dogs growing up but the house was an span. We also fight about other things also. He has a tendency of screwing me over. He has always said that no woman will come between him and his dogs. I guess that is my answer. I just wanted som other peoples opinions. I love dogs but when it comes to sleeping with my boyfriend in the bed or dogs i would choose him...he can't understand that. He also says that it is too hard to not let them sleep in the bed b/c that is where they always sleep. That was one concern of mine when he got the other boxer...i said please do not allow him in the bed...i see how long that lasted.

[BellaDonna]

He has a tendency of screwing me over.

 

May I ask, what makes you stay in this relationship?

[annie24]

He told me that i will never come before his dogs so i see where i stand

 

I agree, I would have left too after this comment! I do agree with bella, one last conversation. either he compromises, or you are out of there.

 

You should never share your bed with a dog. For your own health, and also, dogs who share their bed with their owners then see themselves as equal to their owners, which they are not! That is partially why they are so disobetient and unruly. Dogs are pack animals and because they are sleeping in the bed, they are not recognizing you and your boyfriend as the "leaders of the pack." A dog needs to learn that his place is on the floor, at the foot of the bed.

 

So, the unruly behavior, plus the house being torn up, these animals are neglected, this doesn't sound like a good situation at all. I would insist that the house be fixed, the animals be properly taken care of, at least 2-3 long walks per day, and they stay out of the bedroom. if these changes do not happen, leave. He has already told you he values the dogs more than you.

 

good luck

[mlchildr]

Not much anymore. I do love him but he disrespects me all the time. His mom sent me an email about the way he treats me. I don't know why he acts this to me. We broke up for a year about 2 years ago. I saw him with other women and he treated them like queens. I guess that should be an eye opening. He makes no sense. He bought an engagement ring for me but i told him i wouldn't accept unitl things changes. Seems as if things have gotten worse. I guess i have to realize he is never going to change. I guess i was hoping being together so long he would want to.

[BellaDonna]

The other thing that concerns me, if marriage and children are one of your goals.... would he let the dogs run the house with a baby there too? What will happen if you are up at night trying to care for a newborn- would the dogs be allowed to take over the bedreoom then too?

 

His dogs are being treated very cruel with the constant prolonged caging. This situation is not good for anyone involved, including the poor dogs.

 

Dogs need exercise and structure-in fact they do better wiht structure. They would be happier creatures if they had some boundaries. The caging is surely psychologically and physically damaging to them too.

 

What are your plans, if any, for a future with this man?

 

BellaDonna

[Hope75]

It sounds as though this is how he grew up and this is normal to him. Personally, we have a big dog (Lab) and two cats, but I clean daily after them and exercise the dog and so our house is clean and the dog is well mannered. And we have rules, no dog on the furniture- she's just too big and too hairy! She has her own bed, and we all sleep better that way.

 

It's no wonder the poor dogs are ripping up the house, Boxers need alot of exercise and his are cooped up for 12 hours a day in a cage. I wonder if he considered a dog walker or doggie day-care, plus some obedience training if they would be more well behaved, and he would have less trouble with them.

 

It isn't as though you told him he has to get rid of the dogs in order to be together, but to establish some ground rules so that the dogs know their role in the house (and are exercised and trained) and so you can have 'couple' time as well.

 

But regardless, his comments to you were pretty thoughtless. I dont' see an ultimatum helping the situation, since he pretty much told you that these dogs come before you do (even though he isn't treating them right either...)

 

Maybe in this case your best bet is to move on.

[Momene]

Whilst this isn't fair, the fact that you've stayed with him has condoned his behaviour and he sees you as a doormat who can be walked over, because he knows he can get away with it.

 

Trying to redraw boundaries after years of a relationship isn't quite impossible but is very very hard. I've had some partial success but it's taken a lot of huffing and puffing.

 

I see your side and sympathise with you but, as you've condoned his behaviour for many years, he sees no reason to change.

[kellbell]

Hey there,

 

I remember you from the end of 2005. I went back and read your previous threads and things have not been good at all, not even in April 2005 when you both got back together. The issue with these dogs have been going on for 2 years! With no change, no compromise...nothing. If things have not improved in 2 years, what makes you think things will improve now?

 

I agree, these dogs are being treated very poorly. It is apparent his dogs mean more to him than you and could care less how this is affecting you and your relationship. Plus. it makes me wonder, is this how he is going to raise his future kids? Keeping them in their rooms for hours at a time, letting them tear up the house with no consequences, not minding their manners? A person can get a pretty good idea of how a he/she would be as parent based on how he/she treats his/her pets, IMO.

 

I really want to stress that just because you have been with this man for 6 almost 7 years DOES NOT mean you HAVE to go on with this relationship. Stop wasting your time and his time. You deserve to be with a man whom will put you the relationship top priority. This man is a dud, has been throughout the duration of your relationship and deep down, I believe you realize this.

 

Hang in there and try not to be a stranger.

[mlchildr]

Thanks for the replys....When we were apart is when he got the first dog. Then we got back together and that dog was like his baby. He was really strict with her. She would chew alot of stuff. I lost like 8 pairs of shoes. Potty training her was a task....needless to say the carpets got well used with that. I have always had my own place b/c i bought a house when we were apart. So I usually stay with him during the week but since most of the time I sleep in the spare bedroom i just quit staying there. To me it's pointless. Then we always argue b/c i sleep in the other room but i need a good nights sleep to get up and work allday. We both work and are extremly busy...I work as an tax accountant and he works for the federal gov. We both work long hours and i have always said that dogs are going to get negelected. When he got the second one i couldn't believe it...he didn't even consult with me. Things definetly will have to change or no more relationship.

[Hope75]

Have you talked to him about taking the dogs to obedience school? Or bringing them to day care, or hiring a walker to come and exercise them?

 

I think most of their poor behaviour is due to lack of exercise and lack of training. Boxers are known for their high energy levels, and someone who is out of the house for 12 hours a day should not have these dogs unless he has some alternative arrangements for them when he is at work. That is just cruel otherwise.

 

I'm not sure what you think is going to change if you have been having this battle with him for 2 years and nothing has changed. Do you?

[BellaDonna]

I think the dogs need obedience school, that will help with their behavior. Though honestly, his behavior is what really concerns me. I see the dogs as innocent in this, They are just acting like the type of animal they are under the given supressing circumstances. But his comment and behavior toward you was pursposefully hurtful. The dogs can be helped, but can he?

 

BellaDonna

[Siriana]

Well I think that is really bad how he chooses to react toward you.

 

Think twice before commiting to him in a way of buying new house together, also think twice about commiting to him at all.

He already gave you an ultimatum. He said that the dogs come first after being 6 years together!

I disagree with how you should talk once again.

I think you have no choice here except:

- go with the flow and accept current situation or

- brake up with him

 

It is nothing bad having a dog and you know that, but it's really a bad thing not learning an animal how to behave.

If he can't train a dog good knows how he'll be with kids.

Also imagine having kids in such a house! Not a kind friendly place. imagine the mess when a kid starts his first steps!

Alos if he can't compromise now, what he'll do when bigger issues come.

 

To me it looks like he is not ready to make effort to train the dogs, he's neglecting the dogs (they need a walk, not a cage), not interested in keeping the place in order, not interesting in safety of other people (dogs are completely untrained), basically he's not interested in being mature.

[mlchildr]

Update..so I just talked to him. He told me that snice I think the house is filfthy and that I said something about his dogs he is done. He said no one is going to tell him how to live his life and take care of his dogs. Apparently he see's no problem. He gets offended b/c i say stuff about his dogs and house and it hurts his feelings. Sad thing his friend a few months ago said horrible things to my face about me that really hurt my feelings and he did nothing about it. Didn't say anything to his friend or anything but if i say something about the dogs he's done with me. Dosen't make sense. One would think that a boyfriend would get mad when on of his friends says hurtful stuff to his girlfriend..apparently not. I know waht i need to do and plan on getting my stuff after work.

[Iceman26]

You will be better off without this guy.

 

Seriously, letting his filthy dogs into bed and tearing up the house is inexcusable. The fact that he will not take any steps to take care of his dogs properly and ignoring your distress is a good sign that this is not a good, caring guy.