Pregnant by a Married Man

[PregnantLesbian]

Let me start by saying that I am a realist, and I live in reality even though so many people choose to ignore that it even exsists. I spend more of my time thinking, rather than feeling. Also, I think about how I feel before I act upon it. I use my feelings as a guide to how others will react based on how I would feel in any given situation. Rather than using my feeling as a weapon against myself. This allows me to live my life alot more freely than most people know how.

 

All this to say, I have been Lesbian since High school, and I am now 27.

I met and allowed a married man to court and persue me. Please believe my dating a man, and being sexually attracted to him was very new and quite mysterious to me. I met him in another state, 60 miles from my home, only to find he was my neighbor. As well, we discovered on our first date that we are both, if I may "Free Spirits". We were finishing eachothers sentences. That has never happened to me as long as I've lived. He accepted the fact that I hadn't been with a man before, only women. I accepted that fact that he is married.

 

He explained to me that both of his parents had passed away, his mother, around the time that we had met. He also expressed to me his strong desire for a child and his wife's inability to give him one. He explained to me that his wife of one year, long before they were married (during college) had gotten pregnant by him and had an abortion. Once they started trying to conceive again, she wasn't getting pregnant. They both were examined by doctors and basically, his wife is unable to carry a child. Serves her right because she didn't tell him about the pregnancy until after she had the abortion. Needless to say, this set the tone, and took a toll on thier relationship. He's a good man and he married her anyway.

 

Now back to this wonderful man of his word. The day I met him was the day after his One Year Anniversey with his wife. She decided to take a trip to Barbados with her girls that weekend, instead of spending it with her man, and well, her husband and I have been happily ever after since then. We had sex in order to pro-create, and it just so happens that the baby's due date is the same day as their anniversery. Everything happens for a reason, and well his child's birth and birthdays there after, could possibly become the biggest conflict of his life.

 

Financially he has made it so I do not have to work and he is purchasing a home for his child and I. I have already gotten a new car, and I explained to him I did not want to go through this pregnancy without a ring.

 

I'm just about 3 months pregnant now, and so far he has been a man of his word. He expressed to me that he has no plans on leaving his wife, and no plans on telling her about his infidelity or our baby. I'm okay with this because I see him 3 to 4 times per week for hours at a time.

He's a mondern day polygamist.

 

My question is what can I do to protect myself and my unborn baby in this unconventional relationship. Any suggestions?

[doyathink]

What do you mean by 'protect'?

[PregnantLesbian]

Paternity lawsuits. Child custody battles, somethig beautiful, turning really ugly. His wife possibly finding out...all kinds of protection I need.

[doyathink]

I would bet at some point his wife WILL find out...

 

Are you putting his name on the childs birth certificate?

[starlight]

I have to ask.....

 

If he and his wife don't have any children, why doesn't he want to leave his marriage??? (especially considering you and he will have children). Sorry but it sounds as though he is stringing you along and obviously loves his wife more than you.

[CarnelianButterfly]

How can it be so beautiful if it is such a big secret? He cheated on his wife, that's not beautiful, that's down right sad. So she can't have kids, families adopt, they don't go to the neighbor and ask to borrow a womb.

[candy604]

maybe you should seek legal advice from a lawyer who knows more about this stuff than we do.

 

Do you love this man?

[Steph46]

How can it be so beautiful if it is such a big secret? He cheated on his wife, that's not beautiful, that's down right sad. So she can't have kids, families adopt, they don't go to the neighbor and ask to borrow a womb.

 

I agree with you. Also, what kind of man would do that? He can't be in love with his wife or else he wouldn't have cheated and he can't be in love with his mistress or else he would leave his wife to be with her. Sounds like he has too much money to spend and probably has more than these two women or soon will.

[Steph46]

Paternity lawsuits. Child custody battles, somethig beautiful, turning really ugly. His wife possibly finding out...all kinds of protection I need.

 

Well, I don't know him but how much can you trust someone who is with two women. A polygamist, at least tells the wives about the other women.

 

If ever he did want custody, although you have been/will be the primary care taker, I don't know how good it will look that he has provided everything for you- your house, your car and your financial needs, even so you do not work. If it turns ugly enough that he fights for custody, I'm sure you will be out of a house and his money so you better be stable on your own or you won't win.

 

Also, as far as protection against his wife finding out, what does that mean? You said serves his wife right for having an abortion without telling her husband, well what do you think would serve you right for getting pregnant from a married man?

 

BTW, how is his wife so horrible for not be honest with him about the abortion, yet he is so wonderful for not being honest about an affair and love child??

[shellshocked]

Let me start by saying that I am a realist, and I live in reality even though so many people choose to ignore that it even exsists.

 

He's a mondern day polygamist.

 

Hi PL,

 

I respect that you feel that you are a realist and live in reality.

And I'm sure that you do try to live your life this way....except for now.

 

I think you're letting your emotions and feelings cloud you from

seeing the facts here.

 

This guy wants to have his cake and eat it too.

He's cheated on his wife (not making a moral judgement) and he's

lying to her about something "over-the-top" HUGE. He's not just

hiding a clandestine affair...he's covering up making a whole new FAMILY

with someone else.

 

If he can lie to her about this, do you think that maybe he could be lying to you about things too?

Or do you think that he would never do that to you?

 

Also, you said that "He's a mondern day polygamist". In my definition

of polygamy, ALL the parties involved are aware of each other and

have a say in how things work. ALL the parties have a choice.

 

This guy is NOT a polygamist.

He sounds like a liar.

And a cheat.

 

I hope I didn't come accross as too harsh.

(Things like this just touch a nerve with me).

 

My suggestion to you is to seek legal advice immediately.

To protect you.

And you're unborn child.

[vandgsmom]

I appreciate that like any good mother you wish to ignore the glaring inadequacy of your own life and focus on the well being of the child,

BUT

I honestly think that at this point, the child would be best off in a situation where his mother was not dillusional.

 

 

You speak about "living in reality" when in fact you are spouting the same he-is-so-wonderful and his-wife-is-vile mess that all the "Other Women" seem to spout. All the blame is put on the other spouse. It is all her fault, she deserves her misery, she went on vacation so damn her for all eternity.

 

**What kind of person, much less what kind of a mother is it going to make you to let yourself believe all of this??

**Is this the sort of environment that you want your child raised in? To be taught from birth that the sanctity of marriage is nothing, just don't get caught? That mommy can be bought for a house a car and a diamond?

 

 

And don't think that this betrayer won't turn on you too as soon as he has his heir. If he has that kind of money, he can turn you into whatever kind of adultering lesbian (and I only say that because you wait, he will use those words) in the eyes of the conservative court that he wants to, and you will not only lose your baby, but your whole life.

 

 

PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE think this over and draw some lines while you still can.

It is in the best interest of your baby.

[Juliana]

Without bringing in my own morality, which is of no use to you, might I juxtapose the following:

 

"He is a man of his word." / "How can I protect myself?"

 

If he's a man of his word, why are you worried about protecting yourself?

 

Obviously you know he's not a man of his word, on some level. The fact that he is committing adultery on his wife of one year argues for the latter -- he gave her his word, as well.

 

"He expressed to me that he has no plans on leaving his wife, and no plans on telling her about his infidelity or our baby." / "He's a mondern day polygamist."

 

I understand your desire to view your relationship with him as having a similar standing to his marriage, but in fact, he is not a polygamist, and this is simply the same old arrangement that men have had with their mistresses since time out of mind. If this were a polygamous marriage, she would know about you, and your child, and would undertake to share in your responsibility for that child's welfare.

 

"Financially he has made it." / "so I do not have to work."

 

There is no actual connection between these two statements, beyond wishful thinking. His financial status has no bearing on your need to work; he supports you at the moment, but without any legal framework in place, there is nothing to prevent him from walking away if his wife so demands (as he is strangely reluctant to consider leaving her, inspite of the way you have described her as a barren, selfish harpy).

 

"He is purchasing a home for his child and I. I have already gotten a new car, and I explained to him I did not want to go through this pregnancy without a ring."

 

You are then in an unfortunate position. If he is not leaving his wife, I don't see what meaning the ring could have, unless he plans on committing bigamy, a crime which again would give you no legal standing at all. You would be much better off discussing all these issues with a lawyer to see what contracts could be drawn up guaranteeing you and your child financial support in the event that he leaves you no recourse but legal action.

[rocio]

I don't know what kind of reality you live in. It's certainly different from mine. But then, we each have our own "realities" that we live in, don't we?

 

I don't know what the best way to protect the child is. The best way to protect your parental rights is to get a job and support yourself financially. By allowing him to take care of you, you are giving him the power.

 

Secondly, I would recommend that you look into a conjugal relationship, and whether or not you can have yours legitimized as one. The reason is that, as things stand now, he may not have to pay child support. If you were married or in a common-law relationship (living together for some time), then he would have the obligation of paying child support. The third kind of relationship that may be considered is a conjugal relationship - one where you are committed to each other but unable to live together for reasons beyond your control. The problem is that a conjugal relationship should normally be monogamous and exclusive.

 

So, basically, from what I know (and I'm certainly no expert on family law), he could walk away at any point with no financial responsibilities.

[FreeYourMind]

I admire the way you think and the way you live. Moral and emotions sometimes get in the way of many beautiful things. Pragmatism is sometimes difficult to live by but it makes life easier for those who achieve it.

 

I live in Canada so I'm not sure if what's legal where I live is the same where you live.

 

First you need to decide if you want him to put his name on your child birth certificate. Here if a father don't declare himself as such when the child is born then his claim to have custody of the child is that much difficult.

 

Next you need to think about making everything legal. By that I mean legally signed papers that will take care of everything in case something turn bad. Hire a lawyer for that job. You need to know who will be the house owner (the one you live in) and what will happen if ever he decide to take away your child from you because he thinks you're not a fit mother. You need to protect yourself from the situation where he will take your baby away from you to raise it with his wife.

 

Trust is something you might not afford in this case because if you don't work because you're raising your child (right after the birth) and you're not the owner of your house he might push you out in the street and just take the child away from you. Be careful.

 

For the rest I wish you the best and congratulation for the baby

[Crazyaboutdogs]

They both were examined by doctors and basically, his wife is unable to carry a child. Serves her right because she didn't tell him about the pregnancy until after she had the abortion.

 

I am not so sure your should really be casting stones here. You are a self-proclaimed lesbian, sleeping with another woman's husband, not working and demanding all kinds of material goods for services rendered. He is dishonest, a cheater, a liar, putting his wife at risk for an STI, and probably you for that matter because he probably has this setup with other women as well. He is using you as you are using him. As for protecting your child...I would say give that child up for adoption and get yourself some counseling for your "free spirit" because this situation is not good for your child and will not instill moral and ethical values. I don't mean to flame, but I really think you need to work on yourself because no matter what you say outwardly, deep down there are some issues that you haven't addressed within yourself.

[BeStrongBeHappy]

wow, wow, wow! reality check... if this guy is married only a year, why is he cheating with someone else... and it sounds like he is LYING about so many things to just have an affair on the side, and treat both you and his wife with disrespect...

 

modern day polygamist? i think not, just a garden variety cheater, looking for sex on the side... i HOPE you find a good attorney, and get yourself child support, because this cozy situation will blow up in everyone's faces before long...

 

i don't think he's a good man, or he wouldn't be using you this way, or cheating on his wife...

[PregnantLesbian]

I agree that this womans husband is having his cake and eating it too. I also understand that his wife chooses everyday to allow herself to be lied to and cheated on. As a woman we have a thing called intuition, and as humans we carry around with us something known as pride.

 

His wife chooses to ignore the fact that his patterns have changed, and his attitude toward, and respect for her is indifferrent. I honestly feel he does not need to be honest with his wife because she does not require him to do so. Granted he would be a better man if he told her, but if his wife chooses to live her life ignoring the truth, obviously she has become accustomed, and is more comfortable doing so. She is simply displaced from reality, who is he to bring her out of her comfort zone, just to confront her with hurt and pain.

 

Can you understand what message this must send to her husband. That she doesn't care enough to even ask questions about his comings and goings. If she wants to hide the truth from herself, I can see how he has become comfortable doing the very same thing.

 

His and I's relationship, on the other hand, is based on honesty, truth, and trust. When he is not with me, I know where he is. Because I do not ignore, and I allow him to tell me the truth. He's with his wife, in a non-communicating, loveless marriage built on a foundation of deception and lies.

 

As all of you Judge and Bash me, let me just remind all of you that divorce does happen everyday. It's never pretty. But it does initiate somewhere, usually with an affair. Use your head, this man started the family that he's always wanted, with me. That's very signifigant.

[doyathink]

I have so much to say to you....but it's not appropriate for this forum.

I can say this tho...I hope he leaves her for you....ya know...since your so much smarter then her....you deserve him.

[CarnelianButterfly]

Why is she to blame for her husbands misdeeds. She could TRUST him and that trust makes her feel she does not need to question him. When you marry someone they vow to honor you, they vow to forsake all others. He took those vows when he married her and she believed him, however, he has broken his vows and her trust. Don't you blame her for his lack of integrity. She didn't sleep around, he did.

 

Why didn't he go with her on vacation? Did he have work that he lied about so he could stay home alone and sneak off with you? How do you know he's being honest with you? HOW? He's not got a record for being honest if he's a cheat.

[Juliana]

Have you ever met his wife? You have three paragraphs describing what you think she is thinking, so as to justify what is happening to her marriage.

 

In your original post, you said that he has said that he isn't going to tell his wife, and he isn't going to leave her, and you are okay with that.

 

Now this:

 

"let me just remind all of you that divorce does happen everyday. It's never pretty. But it does initiate somewhere, usually with an affair. Use your head, this man started the family that he's always wanted, with me. That's very signifigant."

 

You have some serious cognitive dissonance going on here. Bluntly put, your thinking doesn't make sense. You really want him to leave her and marry you. You feel enormously threatened by his wife. But the affair is so important to you, you cannot confront those emotions directly. So you have shut your eyes to all that, and spun a fantasy in which you do not want those thing and are happy and content with your "polygamous" relationship.

 

You are hurting yourself because you are too afraid to confront him and risk losing the relationship.

[doyathink]

In your second post you refer to him as 'her husband'...why? Lets give him a name so we dont have to do that anymore...how about....schmuck!

 

So you think schmuck's wife should just naturally not trust him?

You seem like you hate her...and for what? Being married to schmuck? Why are you so against her? She is the only innocent party here...yet your picking her apart!

[PregnantLesbian]

You have some serious cognitive dissonance going on here. Bluntly put, your thinking doesn't make sense. You really want him to leave her and marry you. You feel enormously threatened by his wife. But the affair is so important to you, you cannot confront those emotions directly. So you have shut your eyes to all that, and spun a fantasy in which you do not want those thing and are happy and content with your "polygamous" relationship.

 

You are hurting yourself because you are too afraid to confront him and risk losing the relationship.

 

 

I like your thinking, as you are the only person whom stimulated a response from me.

 

Honestly I was speaking of future tense in reguards to him divorcing his wife and it doesn't nessisarily have to be him leaving her for me. Given the current state of thier relationship, I kinda figure that's where it's headed.

 

As it stands now, I live my exsistance in a lesbian relationship with another woman, and I am not carrying on a sexual relationship with this man. Like I said in my first post, "we had sex in order to Pro- Create". He simply is the father of my unborn child.

 

I don't think I could have chosen a more sutiable circumstance for me to have a child. He is unable to have children with his wife. In return for me having his child, he will finance my life. My childs father will come around when his availability allows him to do so, as far as I'm concerned this is a business agreement. I don't see anything wrong with him paying the mortgage on a house in my name, as long as I take care of his child properly. He would do the same for his wife.

 

Notice I said " Modern Day Polygamist" not just "Polygamist". In todays conservative culture, I think his covert actions to cover up our relationship is realistic. It's no differnet then him hiring a host to carry his child for him and his wife. Some things are none of other people's business. The only difference is that I get a hand in rasing my child any way I choose, and he get's to know he has a child that is his, that he made the "natural" way.

 

Now what type of fertility techniques he chooses to go through now with his wife is between him and her. Or he could choose to do nothing at all.

 

This is all about freedom of choice and carrying on both of our legacy's. I'm not sure if I would have ever had a baby If I had never met him. I never even considered it before he came into my life.

[doyathink]

I explained to him I did not want to go through this pregnancy without a ring.

 

 

I'm okay with this because I see him 3 to 4 times per week for hours at a time.

 

His and I's relationship, on the other hand, is based on honesty, truth, and trust.

 

When he is not with me, I know where he is.

 

He's with his wife, in a non-communicating, loveless marriage built on a foundation of deception and lies.

 

As it stands now, I live my exsistance in a lesbian relationship with another woman, and I am not carrying on a sexual relationship with this man.

 

we had sex in order to Pro- Create". He simply is the father of my unborn child.

 

as far as I'm concerned this is a business agreement

 

This is all about freedom of choice and carrying on both of our legacy's

I think your more confused then we are. First your calling it a 'relationship' then your calling it a 'business agreement'.

 

If your in a 'lesbian' relationship...then why do you want a ring? Why does it matter 'where he's at' when not with you? Why do you want to see him 3-4 times a week if your in a different relationship, the child isn't even born and this is only a business agreement?

 

IF this is only about 'freedom of choice and carrying on your legacy' why 'that's why I'm worried. Because he married her anyway. And now because of it, our relationship has to start on the very same basis.'...and what his marriage is based on?

[candy604]

maybe she loves two people and she's confused at the moment on what she wants.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

Reading this thread I have the theme for the "Twilight Zone" playing in my head! This is just too off the wall! That child is going to end up with a very backwards notion of right and wrong. Poor child, an innocent in all of this craziness, duplicity and coldness.