Broken Up With & Back Together - But Jaded

[TristanM1]

Hey there,

 

After a lot of quarreling with my girlfriend (21 yrs old), mostly over trust and confidence issues, she decided to break up with me in mid-November so that she could find herself and develop the confidence and successes she needed (needs) to get over her inherent issues. I understood this decision at the time, even though it broke my heart beyond words. I can't describe the pain I went through for the next month and a half, but by New Year's I was feeling better, productive again.

 

Well a week before Christmas, she came to me and told me that she still does need to find herself, but wanted me along for the ride. Though I was thrilled, I told her "not yet" because I didn't feel enough time had passed for her to feel secure about this decision. So I wanted to wait. Come New Year's though I felt that she was serious about her decision, so when she approached me again about it, I took her back. I'm a "young" 31, BTW and we've been together a year (minus the off-period). I know, I know...the age gap has proven to be a problem. It is what it is at this point however, but feel free to comment on that in a constructive way.

 

Since we've gotten back however, she and I have both noticed that I'm just not the same. I struggle to feel the same amount of passion and love that I felt for her before, and those "little things" that I used to do before and the wonderful things I used to tell her no longer come out of me, and when they do...they seem & feel forced. In the meantime, she has been VERY loving with me, even though we have argued a few times about some stuff. However, I feel absolutely smothered by her and the fact that she wants to be with me all of the time, which wasn't a problem before the breakup. We had a discussion about this yesterday which got heated and she asked me if I needed her "...to back off"? To this, I paused and said "yes". Since then we have not spoke other than a quick text last night.

 

So I'm writing wondering why I feel this way, and what to do about it. Internally right now I do feel jaded, scared that history will repeat itself. But more concerning, I simply don't feel the same way I did anymore...and I loved/love her dearly. I don't know why this is. I am seriously considering ending it, but don't know if I should. My gut tells me that it is time to move on, but I can't help but wonder if it's just clouded by my fear and feelings of being smothered.

 

Your thoughts are greatly appreciated,

T

[Boughs]

Mmm, very interesting. I can remember when I did a similar thing with my ex. Reprisal, but the feelings were... off. Its like I couldn't put a finger on it. Cloudy thoughts... and just couldn't think straight about the whole situation. I remember that as time passed I ended up retrieving more hard facts from her... and being able to put definitions and meanings to things we were doing... thus helped clear the cloud. But that time until I "learned" enough... was rather difficult. Kind of a monotonous time period... but after that it picked up again... but towards the end, I guess I had the thoughts creeping in again... "did I fight for the right girl?" "was it worth my time?"

 

Thats why we broke up. So I think if you really want this girl, you should relax and work at it.

[DN]

You fear that she may do it again and she fears that you may dump her because of that fear.

 

If you were convinced that she would not do it again - would that make you feel better about the whole situation?

 

If so - you should talk to her and both of you should clarify how you feel about each other.

[TristanM1]

You fear that she may do it again and she fears that you may dump her because of that fear.

 

If you were convinced that she would not do it again - would that make you feel better about the whole situation?

 

If so - you should talk to her and both of you should clarify how you feel about each other.

 

Would I feel better if I were convinced? Only partly, because I feel something else different stirring in me -- that I don't feel the same love I felt before. I have told her that I'm terrified of history repeating itself, but why don't I have the same feelings of love I did before?

 

I considering telling her that I need more time apart, perhaps another couple of weeks, to gain some measure as to what she means to me again.

[JoeWho]

I know how you are feeling, once you break up and that trust is gone it is tough to get back. What you 2 must do is work hard to rebuild that trust so you dont think she is going to leave again and she doesnt think you are going to leave because of that . It is a vicious cycle that you guys have to break for the relationship to survive.

[Belle]

Tristan,

 

It sounds like you may never get back those feelings. She may have obliterated your trust and it feels like you don't look at her the same way. You're just going to have to ride it out and see how you feel down the ride. It could change. At least your'e giving it a shot.

 

Some of my friends never understood how I couldn't give the love of my life a second chance. He let me go. Although he didn't break up with me, he was responsible for our breakup. When he came back around realizing what he had lost, I had lost teh feelings. I had told him we'd probably never find what we had with anyone else. I loved him more than I loved anyone. And I love him still for everything positive and good that he brought to my life. But I guess I lost respect for him that he could take for granted what we had and realized that we weren't so joined together as I thought. It still plays in the mind that if someone could let you go so easily the first time, what's to stop them from doing it again?

 

Give it a shot and trust your gut. You'll figure it out when teh time is right.

[TristanM1]

Thanks guys for the insight. She and I spoke last night, and I told her that perhaps it was too soon for us to get back together, that I'm clearly still either deeply hurt or somehow not feeling the same things I felt before. She was understanding and told me she'd leave me alone, but questioned whether or not I really ever did love her if I'm asking myself these questions now. So we're apart again, and I don't know if we'll make it. I feel like such a tool for taking her back and making her feel what I felt by splitting up again...even though I didn't mean to.

[BeStrongBeHappy]

it is normal for relationships that aren't working to sputter out with a couple of breakups and reunions before the emotions fizzle out entirely and you wake up one day and realize that it is really is over...

 

it usually a downhill trajectory, with a couple of bounces before you hit bottom... so what you are describing sounds like one of many ways to break up, when it is the right thing to do if you have those feelings...

 

don't feel stupid for taking her back. maybe it was a good thing, where you got to really resolve your feelings and recognize that it is over, so easier to heal now.

 

btw, her saying that you not loving her now must mean you never loved her is a very 'young' thing to say... shows the difference in your ages coming out. you can really love someone, but still be wise enough to realize that it just won't go the distance because of the differences between you. younger people tend to see things as black and white, and go through quite a few more bounces on the downhill trajectory... you are right, older people are more jaded, or maybe a better word is more realistic or more experience, and recognize when something just isn't the right thing sooner because they have been there before.