How different is it from real life?

[finalcloud13]

Is online dating nothing like the real thing, since it lacks the physical touch? If a couple did not work out over the web, do you think it's more than possible that they could work out in real life?

[musicguy]

It all depends on the people involved. Some people can hit it off right away in person, some don't. It's just like meeting friends at school, college or at work, there are some people you click with and some you don't click with.

[annie24]

I think people should move the relationship offline as soon as possible. I have met some guys on online dating sites and made sure to meet them in person for coffee ASAP. That's because your really don't know a person until you meet them. There are plenty of people who say they are something online, when they really aren't. men pretending to be women, women pretending to be men. older people pretending to be teens, etc..... some people are married, hiding big secrets.... I don't think you should get deeply involved with someone until you have met them in real life!

 

that said, I think online is a great way to meet new prospective dates.

[shes2smart]

I think people should move the relationship offline as soon as possible.

 

I completely agree with this.

 

When you're dealing with someone online, you are only seeing what they choose to show you. That may or may not have anything to with the reality of who they are.

 

The other trap I've seen a lot of (I'd even go so far as to say MOST) people fall into is what I call "filling in the blanks" with their online interest. Since you get such limited info about someone online, there are a lot of "blanks." I think most folks make the unconscious mistake of filling in those blanks with stuff they would like the other person to be. This makes a very intoxicating mixture and can bring up some very strong emotions before you ever meet someone.

 

Heck, they'll even viciously argue to the death with someone like me who merely suggests their "perfect" online sweetie might not be everything s/he appears to be....they've gotten themselves so intoxicated on that personal brew they've created in their head. Nevermind the fact that I've got a ton of first-hand experience in this that dates back to PRE-INTERNET when I used to met potential dates through newspaper personal ads that involved a period of snail-mailed letters before phone calls and meetings. I've sipped that very intoxicating brew of my own creation more than a time or two, and had to deal with the resulting hangover, if you catch my drift.

 

I met my husband online. One of the things that signaled to me that he was 'for real' was the fact that he asked to meet me f2f AND set up a time and place to do so after chatting with me only 5 or 6 times -- long enough for him to know he wanted to know more about me. There was no long, drawn-out online interaction interspersed with just enough phone calls to fool me into thinking it was all 100% real.

 

IMO, you don't get real until you've seen them in person and interacted with them over time.

[chocolady]

I think people should move the relationship offline as soon as possible. I have met some guys on online dating sites and made sure to meet them in person for coffee ASAP. That's because your really don't know a person until you meet them. There are plenty of people who say they are something online, when they really aren't. men pretending to be women, women pretending to be men. older people pretending to be teens, etc..... some people are married, hiding big secrets.... I don't think you should get deeply involved with someone until you have met them in real life!

 

that said, I think online is a great way to meet new prospective dates.

 

 

Annie, seeing as you have done the online dating thing and I am new to all this I would just like to ask you...

 

If two people talk, for say 2 months, maybe longer, wouldn't it be easier to meet them in person? I mean, wouldn't you be more able to 'walk' right into a date/possible relationship and get on better with someone have talked daily to and probably have cammed several times, talked on the phone to regulary, rather than a stranger you have only exchanges emails with?

 

I just wondered what your experience of this was. Thanks.

[annie24]

Annie, seeing as you have done the online dating thing and I am new to all this I would just like to ask you...

 

If two people talk, for say 2 months, maybe longer, wouldn't it be easier to meet them in person? I mean, wouldn't you be more able to 'walk' right into a date/possible relationship and get on better with someone have talked daily to and probably have cammed several times, talked on the phone to regulary, rather than a stranger you have only exchanges emails with?

 

I just wondered what your experience of this was. Thanks.

 

I think you fall into the trap, like she2smart said, of "filling in the blanks." You may start imagining what that person is like, before you have even met them. that is dangerous, especially when you meet in person, there is no way they are like what you imagined in your head, and you will be disappointed.

 

In my opinion, there is no need to exchange more than 4-6 e-mails before going on a date. When a man has read my profile, he knows what I look like, my hobbies, favorite foods, some blurbs about my life, what I do for a living, where I am from. And after a few e-mails, he knows what i did the previous weekend, a bit about my lifestyle, and where I am going on vacation this year. That is actually quite a lot of information! I think it's more than enough information for him to know whether he wants to meet me or not.

 

I don't see any reason to talk for 2 months. what if you meet in person and he is 5 inches shorter and 5 years older than his profile says? you will have wasted a lot of time, when you could have known this information within 2 weeks.

[chocolady]

Thanks Annie, actually it was me stalling, not him. I was worried that it would be awkward but after reading what you wrote I guess I should meet him ASAP.

 

Thanks again,

Choco.

[annie24]

well, I would meet him in person, broad daylight. meet at starbuck's for a coffee. if things go well, you can go for a walk or get lunch, but under NO CIRCUMSTANCES do you get in a car with him or tell him where you live and work.

 

If you are new to online dating, read, "The Rules for Online Dating." It is a good book, has a lot of good tips about being safe while online dating and how to weed out time wasters.

 

also, get your drink yourself, some people slip stuff into their dates' drinks.

[chocolady]

Thanks will do. But he is 4 and a half hours away so it's going to be more like a dinner and him in an hotel for the night. It could be why I'm stalling. Guess I just need to swallow my fears and take the plunge.

 

And thanks Annie, I will by that book, I think I need it.

[annie24]

oh, ok.... long distance, yeah, I would talk longer with someone. I think that is a bit different than meeting someone who lives in your town. However, I would let him come to visit me first before I visit him. or at the very least, meet halfway for lunch. you can suss out right away if he is really interested in pursuing a relationship with you, or if he just wants a fun date for one night.

[Hope75]

I agree with all the points that Annie and S2S made.

 

I also met my bf online 4+ years ago and we talked about 4 times online before we moved to phone calls, and within 10 days or so we had arranged a date. If you are farther apart, more time is better- but make it phone calls rather than just the computer. They are a little bit more personal and revealing of the person's true character.

 

When my bf and I first met in person after talking online, we picked a place in between our homes (we lived about an hour apart) and I told my parents and friends where I was going. I took my own car, brought my cell phone, and had 2 beers with dinner and that was it. Even though I was 27, my dad still waited up and I called him when I got home to tell him I was safe. How cute is that?

 

Most of the time you meet a person who is sincerely a nice person looking for a relationship, but you cannot be too careful at first- and keeping your eyes open and being careful pays off.

 

My guy ended up being a great guy and we are still together.

[Batya33]

Is online dating nothing like the real thing, since it lacks the physical touch? If a couple did not work out over the web, do you think it's more than possible that they could work out in real life?

 

To me there is no such thing as online dating where you don't meet in person. On line dating is where you go on a dating site, find someone you would be interested in meeting, get in touch asap by email, and meet asap (within a week or two). The only on line component is that you made your first contact over the internet rather than in person.

 

As far as people who do not meet in person that isn't dating - that's e-mail penpals or maybe cyber s_x and is largely based on the fantasy of the image you have of that person through typing and talking only.

[Batya33]

Annie, seeing as you have done the online dating thing and I am new to all this I would just like to ask you...

 

If two people talk, for say 2 months, maybe longer, wouldn't it be easier to meet them in person? I mean, wouldn't you be more able to 'walk' right into a date/possible relationship and get on better with someone have talked daily to and probably have cammed several times, talked on the phone to regulary, rather than a stranger you have only exchanges emails with?

 

I just wondered what your experience of this was. Thanks.

 

I know this was to Annie but having met over 100 men in person through on line dating I thought I would respond. It is not easier at all - it is far more difficult because you have built up this image of the person and it is more than likely you feel "attached" and have expectations that it will last longer than a 45 minute coffee date. If you meet right away, it is a typical blind date, you know just enough to know that you are probably safe to meet in a public place and you are not yet attached so that if you do not click in person, no big deal.

 

I have - very rarely! - emailed more than a few times or had several looongg phone calls before meeting in person and except for one time the in person meeting was nothing like the phone or email - sometimes it was the lack of eye contact, the weird body language or energy/vibe, a very misleading photo (i.e. hid the side of his face that was totally paralyzed and scarred or he was 6 inches shorter than he said, or 10 years older, 50 pounds heavier, etc) , or just no in person conversation that flowed the way it did by phone.

 

With all the expectations that come from typing and talking - most of them unrealistic and based on an online persona - you will find it hard to give the person a fair chance because you will forget that typing and talking is mostly irrelevant as to whether you will be compatible in person for a romantic relationship - you will expect to feel comfortable - but if you are meeting a stranger you will go in with the correct clean slate.

[Joneysnai]

Is online dating nothing like the real thing, since it lacks the physical touch? If a couple did not work out over the web, do you think it's more than possible that they could work out in real life?

 

for me online dating can be a little tricky. sure it depends on the people involved but (and this is just my opinion) speaking from experience, it hasn't worked for me.

 

you can meet someone online, see their picture and get an instant attraction towards eachother but that doesn't mean the chemistry is there when you meet in person.

 

i can clearly remember meeting someone online and chatting with him night and day, really hitting it off. after about two months he decided to come see me so we met up and his personality really was a turn off. he was nothing like he portrayed himself to be online.

 

i think most of the time, people who are involved in someone online, unless u go on webcam everyday, talk on skype numerous times and so forth, the probability of meeting this person and them being exactly how u pictured them to be will be different. the reason why i bring up webcam is if you are talking to eachother and viewing webcam u get to see how they act, their gestures, their personality comes out in a way. rather then just chatting and reading words through a screen there is a little more to it.

 

anyway to answer your first question, online dating to me is can only go so far without the physical touch. sooner or later u will yearn for this. having strictly an online relationship will not fulfill this.

 

as for your second question, i guess i can't take my current relationship and use it as an example because we have met and we have spent a lot of time together even though he is in sweden and i'm in california. when we are with eachother we are so in love, we do everything together and we don't argue or fight at all.. however when we are not and he is back home in sweden we seem to bicker about everything, most of it is petty stuff but we just bicker. in a way when he is back at home we have an online relationship, because our only means of communication is webcam, skype and msn. i think for us it is different because we have met and its probably the not being with eachother that is stressful.

 

i think if a couple met online and never met in real life before but argue alot over the net they will not work out in real life. they will end after they get a chance to meet hehehe due to the arguments.

[Batya33]

I have met men who did not respect personal space - who leaned all the way forward in a small table leaving me with little room and I met men who slouched when they walked or sprawled back in their chair with a bored look. No way to tell that on web cam. I do video conferencing at work and it is very different to interact with my co-workers when we see each other in person. You also cannot tell what their body language is like with others - the waiter, the person who holds the door for them, etc.

 

If i had time to web cam I would rather spend that time meeting in person.

[RayKay]

I would say it's not like the real thing; but not because of the lack of touch as much as it is about the lack of "reality". Even if you are whom you really are online, you cannot portray ALL the subtleties and quirks that are you.

 

Online, if you are upset, you can just take some time away from the chat and think about it, and not show it. If stress is getting to you; you can put on a happy front online. In real life, when you disagree you have to do it in person, and solve it in person. If you are stressed out, that can affect the way you deal with one another. There are also issues of body language, smell (yes, sometimes people just don't smell right and you can't get close!), the way they laugh, the way they respond to situations. These are all things that can be "faked" online, but not in real life.

 

Like others mentioned, I always met people where there was mutual interest SOON, like within 1-2 weeks (I only chose to chat with those within a suitable distance) to see if we had something great IN person. There are cases where no matter how well we clicked online we did NOT in person; and then there are cases where online it was like more of a feeling for us both that we might have a fun night and become good friends but nothing more; then we met and were surprised to have found in each other something much more amazing (that was the case for my boyfriend and I by the way).