Oops!! Found out the ex is engaged!!

[hockeyboy]

Hey there, how was your weekend? What did you do to keep yourself busy?

 

I think you need to just be patient finding the right woman for you. However, you sound like me a bit, and I know all to well that being patient is often very difficult. But I must ask, how many times have you met a woman in your life when you were actively seeking one? How many times did you meet a girlfriend when you were'nt necessarily looking?

[Orlander]

I think I felt my heart was ready when I met my ex. I actively was looking, but not being desperate or anxious about it. My ex was the first woman I just went up to and started to talk to in months. I knew she was single as she was reading a book about finding love (LOL) and she was alone.

 

My heart isnt free right now, but I know now that if I were to meet someone who I really connected with, I know I would be ready to pursue the relationship. I just havent met her yet.

 

I'm doing the whole online dating thing pretty exclusively right now. It's going well...meeting plenty of new people. Actually, I have a lunch date with someone I will be meeting for the first time in about 30 minutes. So, it helps. I just havent met anyone that I see wanting to be with long term.

 

I'm sure all that will change with time. Just...are there any cute women out there with minimal baggage who aren't afraid of falling in love and being in a committed, loving, nurturing, giving relationship?

 

Orlander

[longhaircats]

II'm sure all that will change with time. Just...are there any cute women out there with minimal baggage who aren't afraid of falling in love and being in a committed, loving, nurturing, giving relationship?

 

I am looking for the male version of what you described above!! Where are they??

[Orlander]

I am looking for the male version of what you described above!! Where are they??

They are out there, I swear!

 

In the past year I passed up on some potentially great women because my heart just wasnt over my ex. Now, it kinda makes me sick that I wasted so much of my time pining for her. i wish her well though.

 

Every day my heart gets a little stronger and more over her and I know that it is just a matter of time before it's free enough to give to someone else.

 

Mornings are still incredibly painful and I still have to occupy my time. At least I know that I will never again put myself through the hell I went through this past year and a half. I also understand now that this woman hurt me more than anyone ever had in the past and definitely more than I ever, ever believed she was capable. She used my greatest fear against me and it has taken a lot to forgive her. I wish her well though.

 

At least I am finally getting over her. I just need to find the faith that I will love again and find someone much more worthy of my love and affection.

 

 

Orlander

[fifregister]

i'm sorry to hear that you received the difficult news Orlander. i am amazed at your progress though. you're right, it's not meant to be and you have to let go.

 

just keep on posting in here. we're here for you.

[Orlander]

It's been a long time, fif. I hope you are doing well, my friend.

 

Today was worse and much better.

 

Guys, sometimes pain has NOTHING to do with lost love or the fact that it no longer exists in your life. Sometimes your pain has EVERYTHING to do with something within you that needs attention...that needs to be enhanced, fixed, understood, accepted or changed.

 

Each of us has the power within to turn our lives around and become happier, stronger and obtain everything in life we desire most.

 

How do I know? Because those of us who sink to the lowest levels of pain and anguish, loneliness and regret are just as capable of reaching the highest places we desire...that of happiness, contentment, passion and gratefulness. Consider yourselves lucky to feel such pain right now, for it is those who are incapable of intense emotion whom are truly to pity.

 

Happiness is truly a journey and not a destination. [end soapbox]

 

I wish you all well, my friends.

 

 

Orlander

[Biffy]

Wow, what an awesome way of putting it Orlander - it really does ring of truth to me.

 

All this suffering we've gone through will ultimately be worth it... eroding away layers of a rock to reveal a precious stone.

[Orlander]

...and polishing that rock into a hard diamond, Zombian.

 

Friends, it doesn't get any better than this. It's impossible to improve upon or fix any problem while you are in a state of weakness, pain, regret or depression. We have to find the strengh within ourselves to approach our situations and problems from a higher place.

 

When the relationship I had before my current ex was over, I held on for 3 months hoping to get her back. It wasnt until I found out she was in love with someone else that I saw no hope in a reconcilation. I fell apart. I was devestated and suffered for months and months before finding light and being able to somewhat offer my heart to another woman again. That was well over a year later.

 

This time I wasted almost an entire year just hanging on to the love I had, not really expecting it to come back, but taking absolutely NO steps in moving on or getting over my grief. It wasn't until I was kicked in the teeth by learning the truth about my ex and her fiance that I began to understand.

 

I wanted to stop living. I didnt see a future for myself where I could be happy. I had no hope and no faith that things would get better. My friends, that wasn't even 2 weeks ago. Since then something has changed.

 

What has changed?

 

What's changed is that now I see that I have the strength to get over this and be happy without her or anyone else in my life.

 

What's changed is I have the faith in myself that I will get whatever it is that I truly want.

 

I realize, finally, that it is my defeatist, negative, pessimistic thought patterns and lack of faith in myself that have led me to where I was.

 

I realized that my depression, sadness, anger, remorse, regret and pain had absolutely nothing to do with my ex leaving me or anything she did.

 

I'll say that again.

 

What I was feeling and where I was in life had absolutely NOTHING to do with my ex or her actions!!

 

I realize that this is about something MUCH more important than my ex or what she did. This was about me and the patterns of self abuse and negativity that has persisted through much of my life.

 

Two weeks ago I called my father in desperation because I didnt know how to go on. I didn't think I could continue. He asked me to try to pull myself together and just get through this. I promised him that I would try. And that changed everything. At that point I promised myself that I would try and it was the turning point in my struggle.

 

I was able to change my feelings from hopelessness, pain, sadness, anxiety, regret and depression to feelings of faith, strength, hope and purpose. That changed, elevated mood lasted for a few hours. Then, i was able to do it again the next day, changing my mood to one of a more positive, constructive nature.

 

So, I have been doing this for the past two weeks. Everytime I sense myself slip or my thoughts become negative, I literally pull myself aside, make sure no one is around and talk myself into changing my mood.

 

The process has gotten easier and easier.

 

I focus on staying positive.

I focus on not worrying about the past, present or future.

I focus on the fact that happiness is a journey and not a destination

I focus on controlling my fears.

I focus on seeing this time in my life as a challenge.

I focus on just having faith.

I focus on the fact that I have everything within me that I need.

 

I remind myself that solving any problem can never be accomplished from a place of weakness, but from a position of strength.

 

I focus on being patient with myself and I focus on keeping the faith that when i am ready I will choose to find a new love. I don't hope for it anymore...I know it will come.

 

Being positive, loving, kind, compassionate, hopeful and faithful draws to us that which we truly want, desire and deserve.

 

And if I can feel this way, I promise you so can you!!

 

 

Orlander

[HDD]

WOW Orlander! that was very encouraging! Thank you

I'm really happy for you

[longhaircats]

Hey Orlander,

 

How are you feeling today?

 

I can see your strength in your post and how much you have changed!

 

I am too going through the similar situation as yours, and I've been severly depressed in the past 2 weeks. I called my mom, and she said "You don't always have to be strong. Don't try too hard. It is okay to be weak or give up on what you have started. Just come back home." This made me realized that how much I've been hard on myself and how happy I am to have such a wonderful family. You do have a great father!!

 

I spent 2 hours yesterday in a book store, trying to find how to get through my depression, and came up with the same answer as yours. It was ME who has been beating me up. It was my negative thougts that brought me down. My ex is now out of my life and it was me who keep hurting myself. I know exactly what I went through and yes I made mistakes but I am only a human. I am still worthy and lovable. I have decided to be my "best friend", who understand me the most and love myself despite the flaw.

 

We are the best friend of ours and if we love ourselves, we will get through this!!

[numbhead]

nicely put longhaircats,,,,

 

the problem with me is tht ive never been any gd at making friends!!

 

weve got to stop thinking about the past,,,ive spend all wk end dwelling over it all.... its just mde me feel worse... the hardest thing is to stop being negative .. thats what ive fornd anyway

[Orlander]

Today was a good day.

 

Well, it started off with a dream about my ex which woke me up in tears, but tonight is full of strength and acceptance and understanding that strength lies within each of us to create our own happiness.

 

Friday night I went to a speed dating event. Not because I was hoping to meet someone, but because the idea of going scared the complete crap out of me. Ever been to one? It takes guts to show up, alone, all dolled up, with the intent of looking, acting and smelling your best.

 

 

"Where are you from?"

"Is this your first time at one of these?"

"So, where do you see yourself in 5 years?"

 

 

Yeah, just think about asking those questions 20 times to 20 different women in a row, over 5 minute stretches without a break. I was SOOOO scared before I got there, but as I walked through the door all my fear vanished. I became the confident, attractive, humorous, intelligent, smiling man I knew that was inside me.

 

I had a great time! I laughed. The women laughed and yeah, I got numbers. I got emails, but none of that mattered. What mattered was I did something I was completely afraid to do and I did it very well.

 

How is this any different than the countless numbers of us who are trying to heal from our broken relationships. So many of us suffer, dwell, linger in pain, regret, and sadness while the memories of our lost loves haunt our lives.

 

Moving on is not unlike driving to that speed dating event. All the while you are going there you are resistant, hesitate and afraid. Many of us just keep traveling to that place of healing without actually getting there, because its just too damned difficult to take that step into that place we are going.

 

Why is this?? It's fear about the uncertain. It's fear about moving on. It's fear about letting go. It's just fear.

 

That's all it is...fear!

 

We can and will go on to find a new, better love. The key to that is to let go of the relationship we had and have faith and confidence that we will find new love. Imagine if you had that faith, that strength.

 

I ask you all to envision yourselves traveling to that place called "healing" and imagine what it would feel like to walk through the door and instantly feel better. Just maybe you will see your new love standing accross the room, looking at you as you walked in.

 

Go up to him or her and ask

 

 

"So, how long have you been here?"

 

 

 

Orlander

[Orlander]

So, it's been over a month since I found out that my ex got engaged. I'm definitely doing a LOT better, but am not near close to being healed. I think I finally see pretty well now why things happened the way they did, but I understand that it doesnt matter.

 

What matters is I move on completely. It's been a long time, but I finally feel I am on the right track. It's always hard when someone you dearly love decides there's no future in the relationship. I really really want to be at a place where I can just wish her well in life and not think about her all the time or experience strong emotions. Like I said, I am not there yet. One day I will look on her as I do my other exes.

 

So, what's scary now is I have all these dates and it's tough figuring out what I want. With my ex, I met her and we connected. I knew I wanted to date her, probably not long term, but I did want to date her. I'm hoping to have that feeling with someone else again. It's scary though.

 

I have this suspicion that I will be engaged by the end of the year. Just a feeling. I know I am ready to find someone to be with long term, but I'm not ready yet to fall in love.

 

 

Orlander

[hockeyboy]

how did your date go on hallmark day?

[Zaphod]

Orlander - you have your martial arts to make you strong. Same here. The martial arts don't let you down .

 

Yeah they always give you the guff about not wanting to find someone else too soon, then they find someone almost immediately - heard it before myself a few times.

 

You're a free man! Is the only way to think of it. All her bad points this guy is now lumbered with (and she must have a few).

Meanwhile you can look forward to something better. I know it sounds hard now but speak to us in six months - I bet you'll feel the same.

 

My ex from about 4 years ago is now married, and I feel sorry for the bloke - I wonder whether she's shown HIM how materialistic and naggy she can be? HAHAHAHA

 

My ex from two weeks ago - well I expect her to soon be with someone - as is usual. Even though she says she's "not into a relationship" kind of atm - we all know that's guff don't we.

 

Meanwhile - I have lots of pretty women to admire - and so do you. So get on with it.

[Zaphod]

BTW - I do Shotokan Karate out of interest.

[Orlander]

Hockey, the date on Vday went well..other than me forgetting my wallet, losing a filing after taking a bite of some bread and having awful service. The rest of the evening went very well. My date bought my dog a valentine's day present (bag of gourmet puppy treats).

 

Zaphod, thanks for the encouragement. It's been a year and a half since my ex and I split and I was a sucker for one year and 5 months of that time. 6 months trying to win her back and a year trying to convince myself I never wanted to love again and just living in the past. What a difference a month can make. I have too many dates to keep track of right now and am meeting a new woman tonight.

 

I teach Taekwondo, Aikido and Jujitsu. I have a student who has a brown belt in Shotokan. He's a mean little cuss with that training. LOL. Definitely more intense than TKD.

 

I'm telling you though, the hardest thing to defend yourself against is a woman deciding to leave you and then going to someone else. Not enough training for that. Id rather have my ribs broken, nose busted, knee shattered and get knocked out than have to go through that year and a half again. Thank God I understand and have experience now that I will NEVER have to subject myself to such torture again.

 

 

Orlander

[Zaphod]

losing a filing after taking a bite of some bread

 

LMFAO! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

 

I teach Taekwondo, Aikido and Jujitsu. I have a student who has a brown belt in Shotokan. He's a mean little cuss with that training. LOL. Definitely more intense than TKD.

Although some aspects of Shotokan training like semi locking the limbs for stuff does take it's toll - I have been doing it 15 years, and it doesn't come without it's price - dodgy shoulder, bad knees, bad back LOL. Funny little art it is - extremely misunderstood too.

 

I'm telling you though, the hardest thing to defend yourself against is a woman deciding to leave you and then going to someone else. Not enough training for that. Id rather have my ribs broken, nose busted, knee shattered and get knocked out than have to go through that year and a half again. Thank God I understand and have experience now that I will NEVER have to subject myself to such torture again.

 

 

Orlander

 

You can use some aspects of your training though I've found - logical thinking, keeping a cool head under pressure.

 

I must admit though - when I split with my g/f two weeks ago having said that I was in a complete out of control nosedive - but I think I have tried to use my "cool head under pressure" to only make that last two weeks and not 6 months or something.

 

You know what I'm saying

 

I have a feeling things are gonna be fine and dandy for you

[Orlander]

It's now been 6 weeks since I found out that my ex had gotten engaged. There has been a lot of emotion. There has been a lot of heartache. There has also been a lot of healing and the emergence of a strength I didn't know I had.

 

I've gotten a lot stronger and have managed to make it through this incredibly tough time in my life. I've had a lot of dates in the past 6 weeks and have even been dating one woman now for a month. In a lot of ways it is like the relationship I had with my ex but I see no future with this woman nor have I been able to open up or develop any feelings for her.

 

I have glimpses from time to time of happiness, of feeling good again. Sometimes I can imagine what it would be like to really laugh with someone I really like again...to open up and really be me.

 

Last night I was lying in bed with the woman I have been seeing watching a movie. She began scratching my back and I instinctively began rubbing her feet...that is until a feeling of heartached overcame me. My ex and I would do this for hours it seemed, just sit and touch each other and I would rub her feet. I stopped rubbing my date's feet and didnt touch her again the rest of the night.

 

I guess that means I'm not ready yet but I think it also means this woman isnt who I want.

 

Lately, I have had overwhelming feelings of not being able to find someone I will be able to love. Just a month and a half ago (and indeed all of last year) my fears where centered around feeling I would never be able to let go of my ex nor would I ever even have the opportunities to date at all. My confidence was that shaken. Things have definitely progressed and I feel that there has been genuine and positive change and healing in this past 6 weeks.

 

The numerous dates I have had recently have all been less than desirable. I think back to how seemingly easy it was when I met my ex and how well we instantly hit it off, how we had an instant connection, had everything seemingly in common and how after our first date I never looked back. I'm not really comparing the women I go out with my ex that much anymore, but I am left with sadness after every bad date, missed connection or obvious incompatibility.

 

Dating prospects have slowed recently and I am left with more time to reflect and think now that Im not talking to 3 or 4 women each night. Dating is tiring work. Sometimes, I approach dating with gusto and enthusiam and sometimes I hate it more than anything else.

 

I am really really fighting the negative thought that I will never find anyone again. Now that I no longer compare women to my ex I no longer have a clear definition of what I am looking for in a woman. I see all the mistakes I made with my ex and realize while I did love my ex very much I did not desire her or a relationship with her like the connection I yearn for with a woman now. Finding someone to fall in love with seems like the most impossible thing in the world.

 

Realistically I understand that I need more time to heal and I need to learn to have more patience, to keep working on myself and what other things are important in my life and to keep staying positive. I definitely have come a long way though in these last 6 weeks, but I see I have a ways to go still to get back to that place where I was at when I met my ex. I need to open my heart more.

 

Thanks for listening. I'll keep you all posted.

 

 

Orlander

[icarus27]

Orlander,

 

This may sound trite man, but you always have something meaningful to say.

 

I'm happy to hear of your progress, but relate to how laying one's heart open to someone new can be the hurdle one didn't expect. How hard it can be when some residue of the hurt is still there.

 

I'm sure if what seemed impossible months ago is happening now, for real, what seems difficult now will also come to pass soon enough.

[Orlander]

It's been 2 months now since I found out my ex had gotten engaged. A lot of change has come about in me. I've learned a lot about myself.

 

I can sleep well again. I don't have nightmares anymore. I can date other women now without it feeling uncomfortable. Most importantly I can imagine feeling love towards someone new. Albeit fleetingly, I even have occasions I can feel what it would be like to experience love and passion towards someone new. I truly feel open to the possibility of new love.

 

What remains is regret, doubt and anger...

 

I regret that I did not love my ex more, that I did not show her what I am capable of.

I have serious doubt that I will ever find someone to love again and I constantly fight the thoughts that joy and passion will elude me forever.

I am angry at my ex still, angry at the world and angry at myself.

 

The other day my friend and I were talking and I told him I was a little angry that my ex was in what appeared to be the relationship of her dreams. She is with someone who can sing to her, because she always thought that was passionate and romantic (I cant sing very well at all) and she was with someone who shared the same passions and beliefs in God and Jesus. He seemed to have a huge stable of friends with which to share as she nor I had many. Indeed, all my self-described deficiencies he possessed in ample supply. In my imagination at least, this guy must be fantastic and perfect. My friend smiled and said "It's never as bad as you think it is."

 

He was right. The imagined person I have created in my mind is probably ten times better a man than he probably is, than probably anyone is. My lonliness and anger have clouded my mind and are keeping me from seeing all the things that made my ex fall in love with me and that I have no idea what she has gotten herself into. In truth, I need to think back on all the things that I did offer her, all those qualities and quirks that make me who I am:

 

My humor. At any time could make her laugh so hard she would start crying.

My chivarly. I opened every door for her and always walked on the side of traffic. She asked me once why I did that and my reply was "In case I see a car coming it would hit me and hopefully not you."

My words. Though I only wrote her poetry and love letters after our breakup I know in my heart that her fiance has not the ounce of poetic passion that I can put to paper.

My life. I would have sacrificed everything for her, including my life. To me that was a big deal since I have no one that could say the same to me.

 

I truly can imagine such passion, love and romance. It vexes me why I was unable and unwilling to allow those to grow. In many respects we were only friends. She always wanted more and I always resisted, until it was too late.

 

It's not the breakup or the countless months afterwards or even the learning of her engagment that haunt me the most now. It's the words she spoke to me when she broke up with me; "Something's missing". Something was missing and it cost me love. It cost me over 5 years of my life and it cost me my desire, hope and will.

 

We want what we cant have. I fought all of last year the desire to get her back.

 

I fight now to let go of the regret, the anger to have hope and continue to heal and to see myself with someone new.

 

I have made a promise to myself to not make the same mistakes again. I will fall in love again.

 

 

Orlander

[lovesickkk]

Orlander,

 

You sound like me, only 9 years older. I totally feel everything you just wrote, except I never wrote my exes poem, although I know I am superior in intelligence to her now husband. I also told her the same things you did, about walking on the side of traffic.

 

My ex got pregnant from her new man, which led them to get married. And I always had the same feelings of regret that you did. I wish I had shown her more when I had the chance. I honestly don't think you ever really get over it, you kind of just grow numb to it. For so long I've had so many thoughts, but reading your last post is as close to putting those words in writing as I will ever be able to see.

[Orlander]

I honestly don't think you ever really get over it,

Nonsense. I have no doubt that I will get over my ex. I felt this same way before about the ex before my ex and I got over her when I met my now ex.

 

My problem is not feeling I can truly get over my ex until I meet someone else I fancy...though I believe that might be part of the healing process...when we are able to love another we are finally able to let go.

 

 

Orlander

[donwondellanooch]

My ex got married to the rebound within a year of dumping me and had a baby a few months later, so I know what you are going through. I was with her for over 4 years, so it really did suck. The guy she left me for was 8 years older than her and a mexican fast food worker with fake gold teeth (hahaha). I couldnt help but look up her my space and see the pictures either...and damn did she gain weight....ewww. Her kid is almost 2 years old now, and she is only 23....I can't believe I wanted to spend the rest of my life with her.....damn...

[Tezza]

Wow, Orlander you have been through the same thing that I went through with my former bf or almost 8 years.

 

In January my ex told me that he loved me and wanted to marry me, but at the same time started a relationship with another girl online. When I found out about it we broke up, afterwards he met up with her and in less than 4 weeks they got engaged.

 

I didn't know the seriousness of the relationship as he claimed that she was just a "friend" (he lied) and I met up with him 2 days before and had sex with him (I know, bad), he was still upset over our break up and he cried to me about it and yet he got engaged to her 2 days later.

 

I was in so much shock and disbelief, but this did help me to start thinking that I really could not go back to him at that point, and I was stupid enough to beg him to come back to me.

 

I have not contacted him for 2 weeks now, and I don't even think that I can even look at him anymore because he slept with me when he was with her. I just feel like a total fool, I was with him for so long and yet I got no commitment from him and he knows this girl for less than 2 months and they are engaged...