he dropped off the face of the earth

[btbt]

Hello people. I could really use your advice on this baffling situation.

 

I've been dating a guy for the last few months. It's been light, but we did click. He seemed very eager and interested, calling me all the time, trying to see me whenever he could etc. We both travel a lot for our jobs, but when he was away he would always stay in touch, not to mention that he would always call the minute he got off the plane.

 

Part II: He goes away for several weeks to an exotic, farflung place. Tells me that he will not likely be able to call/e-mail (somewhat understandable given the nature of the place, but hey, even the Third World has e-mail). Anyway, he acts apologetic and sorry that he is leaving for so long, and then asks me to go with him to an event a few days after he gets back. He mentions it several times just before he leaves. I don't say yes, I don't say no, but all signs would indicate that I would hear from him when he got back, right?

 

Well, you guessed it, he's back now and there's no contact.

 

Some other useful info: as charming and interesting he is, on every date he talks about his ex-girlfriend. They have been broken up nearly two years, but he is clearly still torn up about it. Also, the day after he gets back, he takes his profile down from an online dating site. He's also doesn't say who he is travelling with on this long trip, which I take note of because when he talks about his travels he usually goes into great detail about who he was with, how he knows them etc.

 

What gives? I don't want to call him -- the message is really clear and I can accept the fact that this has run its course -- but I kind of want to say what's up?

 

Thanks for your advice!

[Honey_30]

i guess if you want to know whats up? then your going to have to call him.

personally providing you know he is home and safe (that nothing bad has happened) that he couldnt contact you , then i wouldnt bother..what a selfish {mod edit} for just dissappearing like that.

 

id forget him and move on. he wil probably look you up when whatever or whoever leaves his life there.. then you can tel him to do one .

[annie24]

hi - ulk, I am sorry about this situation! that sucks....

 

ok, my money is on him meeting up with his ex gf in that exotic locale. Hence, why he can't email or call you, he wants to give her the impression that he is 100% single. I bet they met up, she decided to give him a second chance, so he decided to take it. unfortunately, he's too chicken poop to tell you that himself. what a winner

 

maybe him talking about his exgf on every date might have foreshadowed things to come.....

 

(((HUGS))) forget about him fast!

[BeStrongBeHappy]

Ah yes, the incredible vanishing Houdini breakup! a very cowardly approach, but does happens...

 

it could be as simple as he decided he didn't wanted all the emotional fallout from a break up, the explanations, calling back and forth, crying, anger, etc. that usually goes along with it, so decided he'd just float off and hope you forgot about him...

 

or he could have met someone else, and been so selfish that he didn't even bother to break up with you to let you know what was going on...

 

or he could have had another girlfriend/wife hidden in the woodwork all along somewhere else out of town, and just wanted a fling with you (yep, he's a scoundrel)...

 

guys who make this kind of exit are usually very self centered, and only think about their own feelings... he's made a decision about the relationship, so why should he bother to clue you in on it if what he wants to do is move on? so he just hits the road...

 

something that also frequently happens with guys who disappear like this is that one day, they pop up again, and pretend like nothing happened, like 'hey, how are you, what's going on with you?'.... just like they stepped out for a couple minutes to go to the store, but they've been gone a couple months... then most likely he'll have some outrageous excuse for his disappearance, an elaborate lie he'll hope you'll buy...

 

i had a friend who dated what she thought was an exciting guy from another country... and he took a powder right after running up bar tabs on HER credit card, and totally disappeared for a while (probably hoping she would forget about the $600 bill)... she was frantic, worried that something awful had happened to him, then one day he just showed up again and told her a story that he secretly working undercover as an agent from Interpol (no i am not kidding!) and had been on a special mission so he couldn't communicate with her during that time or tell her where he had been or what he'd been doing when he disappeared...

 

... and his 'cover' job was a mechanic at a car dealership, but he was really an Interpol spy who sometimes had to disappear on secret missions! GET OUTTA HERE!! anyway, she was still smitten (and stupid) so she believed him and gave him another spin while the rest of us screamed at her that she was an idiot. then he started running up her credit card tab again, buying himself clothes, jewelry etc., while promising to pay her back, but never did... so she finally caught on that a spy might actually have his own credit card and expense account and more money than this guy did... LOL!!!

 

so i'm sorry that this guy is a coward and has disappeared, but do you even want to spend any time mourning some jerk who would dump you and not even have the decency to call you? (and watch out, he may come back around with an intringing story... but red alert, loser and LIAR!!!)

 

best of luck, you deserve someone better.

[agualibre777]

That's super painful. I have to be honest. Knowing me, I'd call him up and talk to him just so I can tell him off about how wrong he was to do what he did. That it was really selfish and just plain wrong. And I'd probably add in the word loser. And hang up the phone.

 

Would it make me feel better? Probably not.

 

Probably the best thing for me to do is to move through the pain of knowing I've been played, let my ego heal, go take a vacation myself. And save his phone number as "never answer" cause eventually this loser type WILL call to beg me back whenever things don't pan out with whoever it is he went on this trip with. and never call him, never answer his phone call and move on.

 

But would I do the best thing I should do? I don't know. I honestly don't know.

[btbt]

Update: So the guy DOES call a few hours ago. Leaves a sheepish message about having an unexpected house guest as soon as he gets back. Says he still want to see me for this event (tonight) that he asked me to weeks ago.

 

So here's the facts:

Can't find the time to contact me the entire time he is away.

Doesn't call me for a few days after he returned, but then calls me the day of the event that he had asked me to.

 

So do I go? I actually rather not. Call me {mod edit}, but I think it's rude to call someone on the day of the date to make plans for the date (being busy with a house guest is a lame excuse). My girlfriend says just go, enjoy the event, make him fess up about the situation and move on.

 

What do you all think?

 

btw - BeStrongBeHappy, that was a hilarious story about your friend, but I guess not so hilarious when it was happening to her. I know love has made me blind before!

[annie24]

bestrongbehappy, very good post! And yeah, your friend probably was too blinded by love to THINK about the situation. yeah, a spy probably WOULD have enough of his own money not to run up another woman's credit card.... hmmm.....

 

you know what..... I really wouldn't go, and I would tell him why. he just "dropped off" the face of the earth without telling you, you were so befuddled, you came onto an online forum and posted about it. this isn't a good sign. And yeah, how long would it have taken to make a QUICK phone call or e-mail while he was "away" or "with the houseguest?" um, like, 2 minutes!

 

i have seen the situation many times, with myself and with friends. if someone likes you, they will call you or contact you somehow while they are on vacation. even if it is just for 2 minutes to say hi.

 

A friend of mine was dating a guy who made 6 figures a year. he went on a european vacation with some buddies of his. however, he told my friend (his gf of 1 year) that he wouldn't call her because it was "too expensive" to call from europe. Ok, this coming from a man who makes 6 figures a year, and it taking a european vacation, and has a house in a fancy neighborhood......... and can't make a phone call that costs a couple of euros (the price of one drink!) to say hi? needless to say, the relationship eventually ended. he told her he wasn't in love with her.

 

My view on things is this: why would you treat the person you are dating worse than a client or co-worker? if he had a meeting with a client, he would contact them a few days in advance, to remind them of the meeting. he wouldn't want to risk the client not hearing from him for 2 weeks and then taking his business elsewhere. so why treat a gf like that?

 

blah. DTMFA (dump the MF already)

[afonselaca]

This guy left you hanging and hopes you'll come through for him when he needs someone on his arm. I think you are better than that.

[Siriana]

When a guy speaks about ex all the time he needs to be your ex.

I wouldn't meet him either. Neeeext!!!!

[btbt]

Thanks all, that's what my gut tells me. But let me be sure I'm not being too hard on him, as my friend is telling me.

 

- Before this trip he was very attentive and eager

- But yes, it's annoying that he didn't contact it me at all while he was away (and it was seriously away, not a like a short jaunt to Paris or something)

- He calls me the day of the date (today), which he asked me to before he left on the trip.

- This is only the 2nd day he has been back, so calling me now would not have been such a big deal if it weren't for the "day of the date" thing.

 

I know I'm being neurotic and my gut says lose this guy, but my friend tells me I should give him a chance to explain himself. What do you think?

[annie24]

i think listen to your gut. I think your friend needs higher standards for herself. I've been to very remote locations of the world, and I would have gone out of my way to make a quick phone call or e-mail. usually, somewhere in the village, there is a phone or an internet. even if you have to go to someone's house and pay them $10 to use their phone.

 

yeah, calling the day of? after not hearing from him for so long? and he is still into his ex? I reckon you can do better....

[btbt]

Thanks, annie24. I just told him I couldn't make it and I feel great (after all, my self-respect is worth more than a $75 ticket)! Thanks all for your advice and support.

[Kalika]

I agree that you should have done what you did. That's not to say that he won't be able to make up for it... He might be able to, but the ball is in his court and he owes you big time. Or maybe I'm just plain wrong and you should tell him to go to hell completely ... Yeah I'm not good at this

[Siriana]

Thanks, annie24. I just told him I couldn't make it and I feel great (after all, my self-respect is worth more than a $75 ticket)! Thanks all for your advice and support.

 

I would do the same!

[btbt]

Hi all,

An update on the situation:

So I felt great after cancelling on this fellow, feeling like I took control of the situation and insisted on not settling for less. But as the week progresses, I'm feeling crummier and crummier. Part of me just feels bad for leaving him hanging -- he acted badly by not calling until the day of the event, but I don't like the feeling that I responded by acting badly too (he hurt me, so I hurt him). I know, I know, he's the one who was inconsiderate so I shouldn't criticize myself for being inconsiderate, but that's how I feel now.

 

I was hoping that he would call after the dust settled (he actually said he would when I talked to him to cancel the date), but there's been no phone call so far.

 

What should I do? I thought of calling and apologizing, but then get peeved because he should be apologizing. I guess the bottom line is that I want to talk to him again just to tie up the loose ends. Even though he did a crappy thing this time around, he's a decent guy otherwise. I don't think he saw this coming.

 

btw -- I do like him but realize that he's not fulfilling my needs, so I'm ready to do the painful work of letting someone you like go. So I don't want to call him for fear of getting sucked back in, and yet...

 

But maybe he's just so mad that he already written me off. Guys, if you have been in a similar situation, what would you be thinking after all this? Thanks!

[annie24]

btw -- I do like him but realize that he's not fulfilling my needs, so I'm ready to do the painful work of letting someone you like go. So I don't want to call him for fear of getting sucked back in, and yet...

 

you know, too often, women like a man for what they think he is, for what he may become, not for how he is actually treating them. Instead of thinking about the guy in your fantasy, why not think about how he's actually been treating you, and decide if you would like to stay in such a situation.

[rosie76]

I'm completely against the grain of advice here - and generally a softy - but I actually do think you're being too hard on the guy. I've been away to places where it really is virtually impossible to call from, and where there is no email. For example, if there's a foreign language problem and you've not got a mobile allowing calls from that country (which costs a mint!), you really can be stuck. Depending on the location, and the fact that he warned you beforehand that he couldn't call you, why jump to the conclusion he's there with his ex? Sounds a bit too Hollywood to me.

 

And yes, not calling as soon as he got back, if that was his usual, is irritating. But it's only been a day or two and this is following months of good treatment. If you feel you should have had more notice for this date - which he did ask you about earlier - then turn down the date blaming being busy but do see him later and hear his side of the story. I'd give the benefit of the doubt until I had heard what was up.

 

Things possibly different if I thought him a boyfriend and we'd planned to meet up immediately when he got back, but otherwise I think there's still a lot of room here for him to not be a jerk, so just see what he's got to say anout the trip. If he doesn't tell you much and doesn't expand on this houseguest, maybe he's being dodgy. But, seriously, I've been back from trips to foreign places and been really excited about seeing someone and not called for a few days just because I was jetlagged or not really 'here' yet. There may yet be an innocent explanation and if you thought the guy was a winner before this, why not see what it might be?

 

I wonder if you are expecting him to disappoint you? I've been in situations where I was expecting to get hurt and was so determined not to be caught unawares that I thought up problems before they really started to exist.

[btbt]

Thanks, rosie. I'm just trying not to be a doormat here...

So he's totally MIA, probably stewing, or probably just writing the whole thing off; I mean, we only had four dates before he left. Should I call him?

[annie24]

what does your gut instinct tell you to do?

[rosie76]

Hi again - I posted last night before realizing you'd already not gone on the date, so sorry for out of date comments! Also, from you saying you'd dated for a few months and that he always called the minute the plane landed, I reckoned on more of a relationship than four dates. Both these things temper my advice - though not probably what I would do. I'd still be curious. But if you feel he's really not been cool about things, then listen to your gut and be done with him. And if you do get in touch - don't apologize and don't expect him to, just see where things stand.

 

Good luck