Am I taking the long way to nowhere?

[Stasiabren]

I've been in a long-distance relationship with my boyfriend for the past 3 years. We live in different countries and we attended separate schools. I'm six years older than he is, but that has never been an issue. We love each other and we both enjoy spending time together, especially for vacations, the major holidays and family get-togethers.

Recently however, I have begun to feel uneasy about our relationship, or rather vacation-ship. We are both graduated from university now, both of us are working, and yet we are both still living in different cities. Since he started his new job this summer, he has been very busy and working crazy hours... and I feel that he is almost completely focused on that right now. At the moment we talk about once a week and try to see each other once a month, but sometimes we only see each other every two months. We

also email, but these days I'm not even guareenteed a response via email, he mostly answers my questions over the phone. He has also become increasingly "me" oriented, and hardly asks how and what I'm doing in my life these past few months, and I find sometimes he doesn't pay close attention to what I'm saying when I do mention things.

I have been getting increasing upset, and a few weeks ago contemplated breaking up with him. Each time I see him though I remember how much I love him, he spends time and money on me... and tells me he loves me. Then I come back home into limbo.

We don't fight at all, and we don't have issues with each other. I would tell him how I feel about his lack of attention to me but it sounds insecure and a small thing to bring up, and he is attentive in person.

I have asked him to call me more often and asked why he has to stay so long at work in the past, but he becomes defensive and tells me that his job is important to him... and he doesn't want to take personal calls at work. He works from morning to midnight and sometimes on the weekends, and the time difference we become too tired for long conversations, except for once a week. I have no fear that he's cheating, he wouldn't do that.

I have also brought up the idea of him moving to Canada or me moving to the States... but it almost seems an impossible bridge to cross. We don't talk about the future very much unfortunately. Perhaps I'm nervous to hear that we might not have one together. He never did like talking about what he plans were, even about work and school, almost like by voicing them it would make them fixed and unchangeable.

 

From what you've heard do you think I'm chasing a dream? Is he just taking me for granted? I'm 29 years old and I find myself in a serious relationship with someone I love and it doesn't seem to

be going anywhere. Could it just be that our relationship at hit a 'make-it-or-break-it" point and he's not sure wheather he wants to get any more involved with me? How much more time should I devote to a relationship like this? I can't help feeling unloved at times now... and I'm scared to push him further away by making demands.. demands that I'm not sure I would even be happy with if theywere fullfilled because I would think that he was just trying to appease me, prehaps in a short-term way. I want him to call me, love me and have me with him because it's something he wants too.

Can I be doing something different myself?

 

Thanks in advance to all those who can help me in some way.

[Daligal83]

Hey Stasiabren, welcome to ENA!

 

I'm sorry that you're going through a rough time in your relationship. It can't be easy, especially being so far apart.

 

I think your boyfriend is being unfair in neglecting your relationship. It can become easy to do when your partner is not actually with you and your job takes up so much time. I think that you should try to voice your concerns to him, because otherwise how will he know that you're not happy? I know that you want him to do it all on his own so you know that it's what he wants, but I think that even if you tell him what you want he'll only do it if he truly wants to. Yea he might do it at first and then go back to his old patterns, but then you'll know that at least you tried and maybe you need to move on.

 

I always say to try to work through your problems, and then if you can't be happy with the way things are, you know you're just not right for each other.

 

Don't expect him to totally change. You'll still probabably have to deal with interacting with him less than you did before he got this job, but he can still do more than he is. I have to say if my boyfriend did that (I'm in a LDR too), I would not be happy. Good luck!

[never-too-late]

Hello Stasiabren,

 

I feel like it's me who is worrying here. I have exactly but really exactly the same problem as you. I have a long-distance relationship, we have been together for 3 years, 2 years long-distance. We met at the university and we both work now. My boyfriend is 2 years younger than me and I will be 29 this year.

 

I also tried to talk to him about our relationship and where he sees us and if we should move closer to each other and he also gets all scared about this topic. It's as if he avoids talking about it. He says he is not ready and he is 26. As I understood your boyfriend is 23? To be honest with you, try to understand him that he is very young. My boyfriend and my dad explained to me that a career for a man is the top priority of his life. Try to support him and be proud of him. I know it's very hard at the moment for you but my boyfriend was exactly the same. We argued a lot because of him being so focused on his job but when I gave him his space and time to focus, he went back to normal. Unfortunately, you might need to become more independent and leave him the time and space to focus on his job and building his career. If he is avoiding the topic of the future, it simply means he might not be ready to discuss it.

 

The thing is I understand you as a woman that it is not easy for us in our age. We are both nearly 30 years old and we are worried that we might be waiting for something that might not even happen. So I completely understand you why do you need to know. I have tried the same as you and my boyfriend gets upset if I try to discuss it with him. However, we are still together and his actions do show me that he does care and he wants to be with me. I guess it is up to me and up to you to decide how long should we wait. I have a very good friend of mine, who is a male, and he keeps telling me the more I push, the longer it will take him. He says that talking to him about the future puts a lot of pressure on him. He says that maybe I should back off this year, focus on my own career, myself, give him space and let him initiate and see what happens. I love my boyfriend, I am not interested in anybody else and I am loyal to him. However, I have learned to be stronger and I decided to give myself a year to see if anything changes. I think men hate being pressured and pushed. My boyfriend even told me once that I should know that he will go away from pressure. I am trying to recognise and appreciate the good things what he does for me and try to enjoy now.

 

Unfortunately we cannot control our future and we cannot control our boyfriends. So let him be, let him focus on his career, let him initiate your next meeting and maybe give yourself some time. And then you can ask him, maybe write him a letter and explain how you feel. But for now, I would not do anything and just be there for him and love him and support him.

 

The only thing we can do is to accept the reality. Your boyfriend is young. Surely you don't want to end up pushing him. He is the man so let him lead you. And if you really think you cannot handle waiting for him, maybe you need to be strong and decide to leave him. It will be painful but if you really think this relationship is going nowhere, it could be better for you. Leave it breathe for a bit and give it some time and see what happens.

[Stasiabren]

Thank you for replying. You're right, being 29 does come with a lot of pressure from friends and family to figure out where my relationship is going. My boyfriend is younger than I am, and even though he's very mature and intelligent, he doesn't haev the same incentives to become more involved in our relationship. I know he loves me, and he likes how we are both independent since it gives him plenty of space to focus on his new career... but I feel that if I don't bring up the future, our future, he'll avoid the subject completely because it doesn't seem to fit into his plans. Lately it feels like he's making our relationship less than it is.

 

I've been visiting him at his place quite often, do you think it would be better if we met on more neutral ground? Do you think I'm giving him too much control over our lives?

 

Thanks in advance,

Stasiabren

[Joneysnai]

Hi! I read your post and I thought to myself, wow that sort of mirrors me and my boyfriend. My boyfriend is 23 and I am 30. We've been together for almost 2 years now. However he lives in Sweden and I live in California.

 

I know you have been with him for a very long time and I'm surprised that you guys haven't discussed where this relationship will go after being with each other for 3 years. My boyfriend and I are already making future plans but I understand everyone is different!

 

You say that he found a job and is working insane hours. You email him at times but you say it never gaurantees you a response. I'm not sure what he is doing for a living but I am sure he is able to carry his phone. How about text messaging eachother? Have you guys thought about that yet?

 

I don't think you are chasing a dream otherwise you wouldn't have been in this LD for as long as you have. The thing that does concern me is you not being able to get him to talk about issues that are serious to you. If a guy is really serious about a relationship and the woman he is with, he will not hesitate to work out issues.

 

My boyfriend was really busy with his work last year and there were times where he traveled to different countries and I didn't get to talk to him as much but he has always been great in noticing the times when I'm not happy.

 

It doesn't seem like your boyfriend sees this as an issue for you. You should really talk to him when you get a chance and explain to him what this is doing to you and the relationship. If he still tells you he is busy and wants to focus on his career then that is a red flag. There is nothing wrong with putting work before your relationship but there is definitely something going on if he isn't paying enough attention!

[Stasiabren]

I have been talking to him at length and he said that while he loves me, he just won't be ready for us to live together for at least a couple more years. He's worried that living together will restrict his personal freedom, and prevent him from devoting the necessary time and attention to his job. He is willing to remain a steady boyfriend, but is not ready yet for a more serious commitment either.

 

I understand that living together now would be hard on both of us, and I'm not 100% sure that's a good idea either. However, are his reasons understandable or are they symptomatic of larger issues in our relationship? I'm torn between telling him: "okay, it's been great" and thinking that I only want to be with him and that I would be willing to keep up our relationship as we have been as long as I know that 'someday' there will be a possibility of us being together.

 

Am I pathetic?

[Daligal83]

There's a difference between not wanting to live together right now, and not seeing it in the future at all. Has he expressed to you that it's something he wants in the future? Is it possible to move to his city, but still have your own place? That could be better for your relationship, to practice being a couple without the long distance. It can be a huge transition because your patterns no longer apply.

 

Basically, even though he is not ready to make more of a commitment now, I think you need to find out if he plans on it in the near future. Otherwise, what are you guys doing together?