Stasiabren

I have been talking to him at length and he said that while he loves me, he just won't be ready for us to live together for at least a couple more years. He's worried that living together will restrict his personal freedom, and prevent him from devoting the necessary time and attention to his job. He is willing to remain a steady boyfriend, but is not ready yet for a more serious commitment either. I understand that living together now would be hard on both of us, and I'm not 100% sure that's a good idea either. However, are his reasons understandable or are they symptomatic of larger issues in our relationship? I'm torn between telling him: "okay, it's been great" and thinking that I only want to be with him and that I would be willing to keep up our relationship as we have been as long as I know that 'someday' there will be a possibility of us being together. Am I pathetic?

We have always tried to make time to call each other at least once a week, but I found that it was me who was calling most of time. He doesn't always reply to all my emails either, preferring to answer my questions over the phone. I made a resolution this year to talk to him more often, because I was concerned that we had poor communication. I just saw him for New Years, and while he called me to see if I made it home alright, when I called two days later just to chat he joked that I was taking up all his time, distracting him from reading his book, etc. Now he does come home around 12am most nights because of his job, and I knew that he would be coming home early so I called... I didn't expect him to not appreciate talking to me, even jokingly. So after 3 years together I have now become a time consuming girlfriend, no doubt expensive as well in his mind. I don't think I'm that demanding of his time, we only see each other approx. once a month. Do you think he will change his mind-set? He doesn't seem like he wants a relationship now that he's got a career.

Thank you for replying. You're right, being 29 does come with a lot of pressure from friends and family to figure out where my relationship is going. My boyfriend is younger than I am, and even though he's very mature and intelligent, he doesn't haev the same incentives to become more involved in our relationship. I know he loves me, and he likes how we are both independent since it gives him plenty of space to focus on his new career... but I feel that if I don't bring up the future, our future, he'll avoid the subject completely because it doesn't seem to fit into his plans. Lately it feels like he's making our relationship less than it is. I've been visiting him at his place quite often, do you think it would be better if we met on more neutral ground? Do you think I'm giving him too much control over our lives? Thanks in advance, Stasiabren

I posted in this forum because I thought someone here might notice if what I'm about to tell you are signs of an impending break-up. My boyfriend and I have been in a long-distance relationship for 3 years now, and these past few months have taken a turn for the worst. All of a sudden I believe he's purposely trying to make me jealous. For instance, he jokes about how he would marry Paris Hilton for he money, tries to make me jealous of this maid in his building we have never met named Martha - how? well he wonders what she thinks of his place and what kind of person she thinks he is.. weird, but I just laugh. He also mentioned that a girl from his distant past, who he taught to skate, has emailed him and wants to get together - so he says. Oh, and he also mentioned, off-handedly that he would like to have a threesome with another girl. I laughed and said no way, and asked how he would like it if I wanted a threesome with another guy... he didn't like that too much. Now I understand that these things seem small, but over the 3 years we've been together he has never thrown anything in my face like this. I know I'm not a jealous person by nature, but he is making me feel insecure. Is it because he wants to scare me off and break-up with me? Obviously I'm not in the catagory of someone he wants to marry someday right? Is this the beginning of the end? I love him and this hurts a lot. Stasia

Blooded Rose, I understand completely how you feel. I posted a thread recently called "long way to nowhere," and I feel that our concerns are very similar. I have been in a LDR relationship for 3 years now, and we are both from different countries. It doesn't take a long flight to visit each other so we visit about once a month if we can. Recently I have found that my relationship was breaking-down much like yours was. Our communication has gone from great to fairly terrible. It started with a change in focus that I was not really a part of, and his desire to spend time with other friends not just me. In some ways I understand where he's coming from, but I think after a while couples do take each other for granted. I think he does love you still, and that's what makes it frustrating. No one wants to be neglected and taken for granted by someone they love. I was given some very good advice on this matter, they told me that I should "try [harder] to voice [my] concerns to him." It's true, and I think that's what we need to do more often. I find I have a hard time talking to him in person about "us" as a couple because I want the time we have together to go smoothly, and I don't want him to take what I say the wrong way. I have since written him emails that touch on my concerns for the relationship and they have been well received. He even brings up those topics in our conversations now. I think all we need to do is take away their comfort zone and put them slightly off balance for a short time to wake them up a bit and realize that they have a good thing going on that they don't want to lose. Stasiabren

I've been in a long-distance relationship with my boyfriend for the past 3 years. We live in different countries and we attended separate schools. I'm six years older than he is, but that has never been an issue. We love each other and we both enjoy spending time together, especially for vacations, the major holidays and family get-togethers. Recently however, I have begun to feel uneasy about our relationship, or rather vacation-ship. We are both graduated from university now, both of us are working, and yet we are both still living in different cities. Since he started his new job this summer, he has been very busy and working crazy hours... and I feel that he is almost completely focused on that right now. At the moment we talk about once a week and try to see each other once a month, but sometimes we only see each other every two months. We also email, but these days I'm not even guareenteed a response via email, he mostly answers my questions over the phone. He has also become increasingly "me" oriented, and hardly asks how and what I'm doing in my life these past few months, and I find sometimes he doesn't pay close attention to what I'm saying when I do mention things. I have been getting increasing upset, and a few weeks ago contemplated breaking up with him. Each time I see him though I remember how much I love him, he spends time and money on me... and tells me he loves me. Then I come back home into limbo. We don't fight at all, and we don't have issues with each other. I would tell him how I feel about his lack of attention to me but it sounds insecure and a small thing to bring up, and he is attentive in person. I have asked him to call me more often and asked why he has to stay so long at work in the past, but he becomes defensive and tells me that his job is important to him... and he doesn't want to take personal calls at work. He works from morning to midnight and sometimes on the weekends, and the time difference we become too tired for long conversations, except for once a week. I have no fear that he's cheating, he wouldn't do that. I have also brought up the idea of him moving to Canada or me moving to the States... but it almost seems an impossible bridge to cross. We don't talk about the future very much unfortunately. Perhaps I'm nervous to hear that we might not have one together. He never did like talking about what he plans were, even about work and school, almost like by voicing them it would make them fixed and unchangeable. From what you've heard do you think I'm chasing a dream? Is he just taking me for granted? I'm 29 years old and I find myself in a serious relationship with someone I love and it doesn't seem to be going anywhere. Could it just be that our relationship at hit a 'make-it-or-break-it" point and he's not sure wheather he wants to get any more involved with me? How much more time should I devote to a relationship like this? I can't help feeling unloved at times now... and I'm scared to push him further away by making demands.. demands that I'm not sure I would even be happy with if theywere fullfilled because I would think that he was just trying to appease me, prehaps in a short-term way. I want him to call me, love me and have me with him because it's something he wants too. Can I be doing something different myself? Thanks in advance to all those who can help me in some way.