honeyspur Posted March 10, 2008 Share Posted March 10, 2008 lexion (and everyone else)- the 30 days serves a number of purposes - but truly getting over someone will take about the same amount of time the relationship lasted. This doesn't mean you'll be a wreck for five years. It may take five years to forgive her - but things will feel better after a month. The first and most important result of the 30 day challenge is it breaks habit. To some degree your urges are a habit that is now being rattled by physical withdrawl. Touch, sound, smell - all these release chemicals in our brain that make us feel good. When the ex leaves, the mind and body panics because there is no outside force making that pleasure happen - meaning you must take over and find other ways to feel good. It is why I am stressing so much on getting out there and experiencing new things. The same action will release those chemicals. Taking up a new hobby - going out to a party - hanging out with friends all produce this reaction. Second - part of the obsessive nature was in your relationship. The ex needs to see you can give them that space. The ex may feel safe again - comfortable again - making any conversation you have go smoother. The intenseness you displayed in the relationship may have been an issue. Third, by breaking the manic habit, you WILL have a better time of talking to them. They may decide to still stay broken up - but will probably be able to hear you better and be calmer themselves. Fourth - the ex needs time to miss you. Maybe not miss the relationship - but qualities that you have they weren't able to appreciate because you were in conflict. I think everyone's break up is different of course, but some people need a break to really see this. I say "make all the calls you want" because once the 30 days is up - you are free and out of this program. It will be up to you to take what you've learned and use it correctly. You'll have some self - discipline under your belt. Some people fully understand the benefit of NC at the 30 day mark and decide to keep going. Others realize how one-sided they were being and are able to have a conversation that is more fair and less selfish. Some couples reconcile. Some get clarity because the ex can truly give them closure - since they technically went through the challenge too. The list goes on and on. For me, I reconciled two years later - you just never know what the future holds. Link to comment
honeyspur Posted March 10, 2008 Share Posted March 10, 2008 Demonic cookie : Wow - what an interesting story. It almost sounds like your ex needs this NC more than you do (even though you do need it too) - he has a compulsive nature and needs to break that habit, like I mentioned above. I'm especially excited for you! I get good energy and comprehension skills from you and think you will have a somewhat easy time. Your challenge I think will be to not answer him - we will help you do that. messenger - I feel the same way about you. It's a blessing to have such willing participants who post great advice for others. Makes the healing process accelerate and that's what we all want - to get through this quickly!! Sam - what a turn around!!!! You are almost like a different person!!! Imagine how different you will be at the end of 30 days!!!! *bouncy bounces with delight* I knew I could depend on you guys to start my week off great - thank you Link to comment
SamT Posted March 10, 2008 Share Posted March 10, 2008 Haha hope it was a Helpful post. The thing i find hard, other than giving in, is focusing the energy that i had for her, and putting it onto myself. Its like the energy is fluid and i cant control it in my hands. But the moments when i can hold it feels great! Also, ive realised with the love i have for her..i can now share it amongst others, therby helping everyone else out. I know i have to find my own Self Love also, but it feels great to give some to others. hope your day goes well! Link to comment
Addicus Posted March 10, 2008 Share Posted March 10, 2008 Honeyspur...I love your definition about the 30 day NC.....For me it has allowed a good seperation........For those that do not know my story...my ex wanted to do the friend thing a week after ending the relationship. We tried to hang out but she was very flirty and I decided that I needed space and time to heal and let go of the raw emotions. The 30 days was not really that hard. For me it is teh reconnecting that I am finding more difficult. Lots of fear...some might say that means that I am not ready....maybe..but I think that he fear will be there even if I reconnect now or two years from now. After reconnecting I still have many options....one is to go back to NC and just keep moving forward. My ex also left the door open to me...she said that I can contact when I choose to do so. SO, I guess I am pretty lucky that the door is open...where that door goes I have no idea but unless I step through it I will never know! Link to comment
SamT Posted March 10, 2008 Share Posted March 10, 2008 Addicus! where have you beeen? Good to hear from you.. glad you managed the 30 days.. Im still on my 4th day..again lol... Where do i go from here? I guess i could try another 4 days. Inch by inch i might get there. Link to comment
honeyspur Posted March 10, 2008 Share Posted March 10, 2008 Sam - I see a huge benefit for you in setting small goals. It is the reassurance you need to set the next one. Tack on a day to each set of days. A little math here - but set your goal for 5 days now. This will put you at day 9. See where I'm going with this? You have succeeded - that is all you should focus on..... Link to comment
SamT Posted March 10, 2008 Share Posted March 10, 2008 Ah yeah thats a good idea! thanks again! Link to comment
Irish Jax Posted March 10, 2008 Share Posted March 10, 2008 Day 22!! Feeling ok today. I slowly feel myself letting go everyday. I still think of him alot, but the thoughts center around missing him a little and coming to the realization that he wasnt everything i thought that he was. Day 22!!! Link to comment
SamT Posted March 10, 2008 Share Posted March 10, 2008 I keep getting the urge to tell her "hey im making progress, isnt that great!" lol... wat am i thinking Link to comment
GetMeBack Posted March 10, 2008 Share Posted March 10, 2008 Ok so I am well into day 23 NC for me.. I keep getting this thoughts on when, where or how to contact after this 30 day challenge is over. This undecidedness is making me think I should do absolutely nothing at all. So I have decided to unblock him from msn a week today..but because I have drove myself crazy deciding when or if to contact. I have decided to do NOTHING at all..but to carry on moving on with my life.. LOVING SOMEONE THAT IS RIGHT FOR ME SHOULDNT BE THIS HARD WORK. SO I WILL LEAVE HIM TO IT... I guess he will talk to me on msn at some point but I think the days are gone where I would run after this man. It really isnt worth it.. I feel like a weight has lifted off my shoulders coming to this conclusion but I know its the right thing to do.. So after these 30 days are up...I will be signing up for another 30 days....which will probably be broken if he initiates contact. However, NC will not be broken by me under no circumstances.... Link to comment
SamT Posted March 10, 2008 Share Posted March 10, 2008 Ah good for you What did Addicus say? - 'Silence is the greatest power phrase of all.' When you don't have anything to say, choose silence When you want to punctuate a point, choose silence When you can't be heard over the noise, choose silence When everything has been said, choose silence "Some words create agitation. Some words result in questions. Some words cause confusion. True Power phrases result in silence." Link to comment
Volkslad Posted March 10, 2008 Share Posted March 10, 2008 Sign me up for the challenge! I am on day 6 of NC. My story is here: Actually saw her at work for the first time today since telling her I needed space and started NC...and was surprised at how little it effected me. First of all she was in my part of the office, and she has NO real reason to ever be there, and the second she saw me she took a step back from the person she was talking to..to put her back closer to the wall, and turned herself sideways. As a person with a pretty good understanding of body language, it means she is a little intimidated by me..and she was probably wishing she hadn't strayed over hoping to see me..because she did..and it hurt! May not be true, but who cares? NC and a little imagination can be empowering! Doesn't mean I haven't thought of her every second since then..but no real longing for her, or a desire to talk to her though. Small victories. Link to comment
honeyspur Posted March 10, 2008 Share Posted March 10, 2008 This is fantastic. There is something to be said for making a clear and conscious decision that is made with the heart as well as the intellect. It resonates in our body like a vibration and carries us onward until it is challenged. I agree with you my dear. This man has wasted a good woman by being foolish and needs to LEARN by not having access to her. Although I would not unblock him, you must do what you feel is best. Consider that being able to see him is actually contact despite the "no conversation" part. It will become a trigger that could break you if you don't have an intention to stick with it. Everyone, 30 days is NOT a long time, I don't care what anyone says. It is the tiniest fraction of our lives. Do the math - a month flys by around Christmas time, during summer holiday - it only lasts when we obsess and wallow...... Link to comment
Mock Chop Posted March 10, 2008 Share Posted March 10, 2008 I don't know if it's the miserable weather, hormones or what, but I'm really missing him badly today. I feel yucky and just want to talk to him. I've written him about 5 emails which are now in my draft folder. I can't settle to anything and I have so much to do! Oh well, tomorrow is another day and all that. Link to comment
honeyspur Posted March 10, 2008 Share Posted March 10, 2008 Hey Mock - if you don't mind telling us - what is it you need to do? Chores? Bills? What's getting put off? Link to comment
Coffee80 Posted March 10, 2008 Share Posted March 10, 2008 wow i never saw this thread.do i have to start from today or can i count days that i been going NC? the most ironic thing is tht i have stopped counting the NC days.. can is still take part? Link to comment
Mock Chop Posted March 10, 2008 Share Posted March 10, 2008 Hey Mock - if you don't mind telling us - what is it you need to do? Chores? Bills? What's getting put off? Housework mainly. It was looking doubtful whether my new foster dog would arrive tomorrow because we've been having some storms here, but now it looks like it might go ahead as planned. I don't know if he's the type of dog to try and eat eveyrthing that might be lying around, so I need to do a mass pickup! I'm just missing my ex very badly right now. It's a year ago that I moved into this house, to start a new future with him (not living together). The terrible weather doesn't help. And neither did the phone call from my father - hearing from my 'family' right now brings me down horribly - long story. Link to comment
honeyspur Posted March 10, 2008 Share Posted March 10, 2008 Yes Coffee- but consider reading back on this thread for a bit to see what kinds of circumstances you fit in with. Glad to have you here and hope you can get through these 30 days without stumbling. What day count are you up to already? Link to comment
honeyspur Posted March 10, 2008 Share Posted March 10, 2008 Wow Mock - if you don't mind my nosiness - please send me a pm about your phone call. I understand if it is private, of course or you just don't have the energy. Excited about your dog!!! I, too, avoid housework like the plague - it is one of my biggest battles with myself. You are my A list girl though and I have faith in you moving through today without difficulty. Link to comment
SamT Posted March 10, 2008 Share Posted March 10, 2008 Hmm, trying to hold on to my strength.. i have o much work to do also, but i keep getting distracted. I feel as though im on the verge of crying all day long.. is this normal? Its like anything could tip me over the edge at anytime. Even watching the tv, and hearing things. Im trying to keep to my plan of rereading my advice.. its just hard sometimes eh Link to comment
honeyspur Posted March 10, 2008 Share Posted March 10, 2008 Yes, very normal Sam. I wonder if perhaps accomplishing a goal, having to be strict with yourself, stirs something up in you? You made it 4 days and are about to embark on another 5 - but are not enjoying the feeling of success? Hang in there Sam - I have heard some of the most amazing things come out of you these last two days - there is only more to come I feel. Link to comment
Mock Chop Posted March 10, 2008 Share Posted March 10, 2008 The new dog has to catch the ferry over to the UK from Ireland. He's on his way to the ferry now I've come so far over the past few weeks, but sometimes I stop and pause and realise that I still have so far to go. I'm bursting to tell the ex so many things - things I've learned, discovered - all those 'aha' moments. I want to sit him down and tell him how amazing and, at the same time, terrifying it is to shake yourself free from the shackles of your past. I want to explain that I did what I could with what I was given - no, it wasn't good enough, but I recognise that. The fear that's been with me all my life is subsiding, because now I know why I was so scared, now I know what that 'something' that I always knew was missing was. Maybe it is too late. Maybe he just came into my life to allow me to see all this stuff. I don't know. All I know is that I love him dearly. Link to comment
SamT Posted March 10, 2008 Share Posted March 10, 2008 Hmm, stirs something like what? All other success ive had in my life has made me feel great but... maybe i dont feel as though its a success? Because i still have the reccuring feelings? I guess its a Small Victory? Thanks for the compliments your a real help in this. Link to comment
honeyspur Posted March 10, 2008 Share Posted March 10, 2008 Maybe it is too late. Maybe he just came into my life to allow me to see all this stuff. I don't know. All I know is that I love him dearly. This is so important - wow - I will try to type this as fast as I can - but it's going to be hard to capture it all. Sometimes in life, people come into our lives for what we think is a certain purpose, but ends up being another one. What Mock has enlightened us with is that revelation. You might think your ex was there to love you - but really they were here to just teach you and let you go to have a healthier relationship. Those having been abused by the ex, this goes for you as well. We learn from someone NOT providing, from NOT being cared for - we realize this is not what we deserved and learn from it. It helps us identify that in the future and muster up bravery to not settle. Pay close attention to Mock's post above - she is definitely on to something and you can get there too. Thank you Mock!!!! And hope your doggie has a safe trip Link to comment
honeyspur Posted March 10, 2008 Share Posted March 10, 2008 Sam - perhaps stirs up pain because choosing to accept success moves you further away from thoughts of her and hopes to reconcile? Just a thought - but if we truly believe in separation and no contact- what ends up happening? We move on! FOR REAL. Maybe we fear the day we don't think about them at all - trying to see ahead and defining it instead of just waiting until we get there and figuring it out then...... Link to comment
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